Monday, June 27, 2011

Day 87; Remind Me.

Day 87; Operation Deployment.
i have decided to continue to update my countdown to the best of my ability without having proper internet until it's fixed.
i don't even care if people read it or not, i'm the one that really needs it, so who cares?
everyday, i see Mike in Ryder, more and more. they have never met, but they are connected in a way i never had imagined. i told Ry yesterday that Daddy would email us, and he wasn't able to, due to rivercity. So Ryder, refused to sleep. we were seriously up three hours past bedtime, his eyes all red, rubbing them, him almost falling asleep then his eyes popping wide open. i honestly believe he was waiting for his Daddy to email us. i always read them to him. he finally fell asleep, but as soon as he heard his Daddys voice on the phone this morning, he instantly woke up and stared at the phone. i put the phone to his ear and Mike was just talkin to him, and he lays there, and smiles. he knows his Daddy, there ain't a doubt about that. it just absolutely melts my heart. our little boy is absolutely amazing. but for now, he's a mommys boy! lately i have been breaking my rule and snuggling him to sleep because things have been difficult. he seems to be afraid that i will leave. he always wraps his tiny little fingers around my shirt, and he looks into my eyes until he falls asleep. it's just the sweetest little thing. he's usually always a happy baby, and i couldn't be more blessed to have such a wonderful son. :)
little mister monkey loves you babe! he can't wait to meet hims Dada!

Michael made me realize a whole lot in a half hour phone call this morning. i emailed him last night, just spilling my heart out. i told him that i wasn't handling life so well and i told him about what happened a few weeks ago about the truck. he read it, and emailed me right back telling me that it was going to be okay and he was getting offline right then and there to go and call me. a few minutes later, my phone ran. he had run from building to building to get to me faster, he asked if i was okay. i was fully prepared for him to be disappointed in me, to yell at me, something. but, he didn't. he said the only thing that mattered was the two of us, and nothing else. he would deal with it all when he was back, and after things settled down. it was just a truck. after some more talking he told me, he never intentionally hurt me. and even through our rough patches, he always picks the pieces back up. and that nothing will ever be the same once he's back in California.
and honestly, i whole heartedly believe that.
my husband is finally starting to get it. he has his head on straight and it took a Deployment to turn everything around. fucked up times and all, we're still pushing through it.
and it WAS confirmed today on when baby number two will be attempted, it's so weird talking about another baby, making our family bigger. because Mike was so unsure he ever wanted anymore, and now he can't wait. I'm making him wait. aha.
today he showed me just how much he cared about us. he opened up to me and said things i never through he would even think. the other day on the phone, he said everythin that had been running through my head. i had even wrote him an email and sent it to him, then went on his account and deleted all traces of it. but yet, he still talked about almost everything i had written, and he never even read it. that's how i know, all this, in the end. will all fall into place.
because in all reality, we only have each other now.

now, on a POSITIVE note, since bitches think I'm too negative.
[Caution; Bitch Mode On.]
i dealt with a nigger and a kid today, telling me i was too negative, and going on and on about shit they don't know about.
[side note; Mike and I's best male friend is black. there is no race issue, but fucking black ignorant people, yeah, NIGGER.]
first of all, I'm really sick of people thinking they know anything about my life.
second of all, negative?! I'm sitting here, my life falling to pieces around me, and yet, still stay positive every damn day.
yeah these two moronic "women" don't mean anything to me at all so i didn't let it bug me. seeing as they have no lives and message me, after i block them, from their husbands accounts.
but just an FYI, i wanna say something.

first, my life sucks.
but it has nothing to do with my husband being gone, or being a solo mom.
it deals with the Paterson luck i was born with. if you're a Paterson [with one t.] you'd get it.
yet, life keeps spinning, either in control, or out of.
and honestly, i'm doing juuust fine with it all.

yes, i wanted my son. yes, Michael and i were trying to get a baby. however, he was conceived before we ever found out about this Deployment. you sitting here telling me you're smarter than me because you knew better than to get pregnant before your husband left, is stupid. we were pregnant on the road trip down to this duty station. telling me to "stay positive" for my son? i'm pretty sure, I'm a damn good mom, all on my own. you, can never say that. you're kids, who don't have kids. telling me your mama cried to herself in the shower every night because she was a single mom who struggled, what does that have to do with me? I'm sorry her baby daddy didn't stick around, or she got knocked up by random men, i don't know the story, and i don't really care. good for your mama.
BTW, I'm NOT a single mother. i will never call myself that, because it's a lie.
I'm a Solo Mommy, until my husband returns.

you say i down my husband and he's a hero, defending his country for his wife to sit and talk shit. uh. kid. ask my husband, he doesn't do crap out there. he fixes trucks inside the wire, works out at the gym and does MCMAP. he will be the first to tell you that I'm the hero here. you tell me i complain about him being gone, when him being gone doesn't bother me at all. but yet you complain and tell me your husbands been shot at. congratulations. 

and last.
you both are fucking idiots.
that don't know a hard day if it bit you in the ass.
you sit and play with your stupid little dogs, that my Shepard could eat for a snack, and shop with your husbands money.
you don't know what it's like to be in my shoes, so shut your damn mouth.
you're immature little bitches who need a reality check. i feel sorry for you. you're wishing me luck on getting through.
it's you that seems to be having issues.

regardless, one day people will learn. until then i am doing some serious cleaning out of people in my life!

but for now I'm going to go lay my son down, take a shower, and write a letter to my dearest best friend in Afghanistan.
See You Soon Lover Butt!


  1. First of all I love reading your blog! and you should be allowed to post whatever you want on your facebook, Blog, ETC. with out getting harrassed about it! It's funny how your husband leaves and they want another baby, my husband told me he wanted another one after being gone a week, Looks like will be prego at the same time! Hope things start getting more positive for you! and you son is adorable!
    and were almost to that half way point! =) they will be back before we know it!

  2. THANK YOU! in all honesty, don't like what i say, don't bother reading my crap. i have a life, i don't need to be sitting around dealing with ignorant people.
    and yes Alyssa, we HAVE to add more adorable babies into this world, i can't wait! we have dealt with this Deployment SO incredible well, i'm so proud of us! things are getting better and better everyday and I'm realizing a lot. i may not be positive always, but i'm far from negative. regardless of shitty days, i love my beautiful self, my darling baby son, and my gorgeous husband. those things will never falter.