Saturday, April 30, 2011

Day 29; One Month Down!

Day 29; Operation Deployment
Day 7; Baby Ryder.

what a month it has been, but i have survived it.
my husband has been gone for one month.
and i have gotten through the first week of mommyhood on my own.
not one of these things have been easy, by far.
but it has made us stronger, i am so thankful for that.
i don't get to hear from him as often as i'd like to.
but he emails me when he can and he;s SUPER sweet, he still makes my heart melt. 
i know that i can now tell him anything and everything, i feel so close to him. all past issues and heart aches and doubts are just POOF, gone now.
it's a great feeling.

Baby Ryder is doing well.
he is back up to his birth weight, he's a huge mommys boy and LOVES to snuggle. he wakes up on a 1am, 5am, 9am, feeding schedule, so i get some sleep at night.
he skyped with daddy and now ever since, he smiles in his sleep.
he's wide awake and alert all the time and his eyes are beginning to lighten to a light blue color, and his hair is fading slowly into blonde.he grows and changes every single day. 
it's been a tough week, getting to know his quirks, getting onto somewhat of a routine, dealing with all emotional aspects.
but, we're handling it the best that we can, just of course, wishing daddy was here to share in the joy!

I am doing good as well.
my glue is starting to come off my incision.
i have a little bit more energy and can get through the day wtihout pain medication, most days.
i have lost 20 baby pounds, and have about 15 to go until i am back to pre pregnancy weight.
i can fit back into my old jeans, which is a good feeling. :)
sadly, Ryder seems rather interested in my breast milk now, and i believe i am already beginning to lose it.
he latched well in the beginning but then stopped. it became a huge mess of him and me. 
and though it breaks my heart because i actually wanted to TRY, i think i'm just going to switch to bottle feeding from now on, avoid stress of myself and himself as well.
i am very much enjoying mommyhood.
i have learned A LOT of patience with my son, and have lost all patience with other people.
i have grown up, and realized a lot.
all because of a perfect little 7 pound, 7 ounce package.
he really does mean everything to me.

babe, stay safe out there.
i know things are starting to get crazy.
and the lack of communication frustrates us both.
but always remember that we're under the same sky.
and we're never that far away from one another.

look down at your chest.
and a little to the left.
that's where i'll always be. <3

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Day 26; Emotional Day

Day 26, Operation Deployment.
Day 5; Baby Ryder.
today was a rather emotional day in many ways. 
i woke up early and when Ryder fell back to sleep i took a long shower. the groginess and soreness in my entire body still hasnt worn off.
i hear a weird noise and realize it's my phone ringing and i get to it a tad too late.
i just stared at my phone, ignoring the puddle i was making on the floor, begging him to call back. 
and a few minutes later he did.
i was so thankful to hear from him, even though it's only been a few days. 
i hadn't talked to him since Easter morning and that's when we were still in the hospital.
we talked for half an hour.
he commented on my new "mommy boobies" and wanted a picture, lmao.
only my husband.
just hearing his voice and us talking about Ryder was hard. i had dealt with it fine just on my own but throwing Ry into the mix broke my heart a little bit more.

later when i finally got online, i saw the pictures he had emailed me about last week on Ryders due date. he had flown a flag in his Honor, even though we had no idea when exactly he would be here.
these pictures, are beautiful. i completely lost it when i saw them.
it touched my heart in so many ways, that he would do something like that for our son.
and just the way the picture was taken, him looking up at the flag, past the flag into the sky, the same one all three of us were under, was breath taking.
and the next one was where he was holding the honored flag for Ryder.
and his absolutely beautiful smile.

i had a cranky baby most of the day and i couldn't figure out what was wrong. i knew i had to stay calm and patient, and maybe nothing WAS wrong, he just felt like crying. but being a new mom i felt like i was messing up.
he'd fall asleep for a few minutes then wake up. i was getting frustrated because i actually WANT to breastfeed and not once today did he manage to latch on for more than a few seconds.
i'm already feeling crappy about my body, i just want to heal already and move on with my life. i hate taking the pain medicine they gave me because i can't stay awake.
so, i dealt with a crying baby all day.

but as soon as we get the skype call from Daddy, he stops.
Michael finally got to see his son for the first time. 
that in itself was super emotional.
i haven't seen him really since he left, minus a few minutes two days after.
he looks sooo good, so grown up, so... changed.
my mom says that's because he's a Daddy now, and it's because i was holding his son halfway around the world. 
it was true, i fell in love with him all over again.
seeing the two of them, and Mike just sitting there smiling, saying how tiny he was, but how chunky his cheeks were.
and Ryder sitting in my lap just wide eyed and staring at his daddy, hearing his voice, he remembered.
we talked for only a little bit, he had to get back to work, but promised to try again soon.
i broke down, absolutely lost it.
the pain in my heart was so incredibly great. not just for myself, but for my husband and my son.
i took a picture, the first one, and the only way we can do it, as a little family, for the next 7 months.

so, I'm going to snuggle him and hold him tight.
and wish we may and wish we might.
wish that Daddy stays safe tonight. <3

Michael Patrick, you're my entire world. i love you more than anything.
Michael Ryder, Daddy will tell you he loves you more, but it isn't true. regardless, Mommy and Daddy both love you!!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Day 26; I Mish You.

Day 26; Operation Deployment.
Day 4; Baby Ryder.

Clearly, i don't get on here as often. taking care of a newborn and remember to eat, sleep, and shower, is a little difficult. but i embrace the task at hand, i really am superwoman and i don't know how i recovered so fast.
i suppose i just didnt have a choice. Adapt and Overcome, OORAH!

there really isn't use in attempting to be strong anymore.
so much changed the moment that i had Ryder, and i miss my husband now more than ever.
someday, i just need my best friend right by my side.
EVERYTHING reminds me of him.
and I'm so tired of wanting to call him up, text him, or run in the other room and tell him what cute thing Ryder did.
or when things would get difficult, i'd like a set of pass him off to, but i HATE asking others for help, it isn't the same, they aren't my husband. and though i appreciate it more than they know, sometimes people just make it harder.
i hate emailing him updates because i know it breaks his heart to read them, but i know it would hurt too, not to get them at all. so i am torn between the two.
i hate that i no longer remember hi touch or scent, though it's only been a month. i can't close my eyes and picture his hand on my face anymore. i can't stand though, that he haunts my dreams. some of the dreams are the ones i had during pregnancy with the hormone changing and they are NOT good dreams to have on Deployment.
but even the good ones, hurt the most.
this isn't fair, him missing everything. we need him here more than that stupid place needs him there, where he isn't even doing anymore but longer hours and less showers. he's away from us for no damn reason.
please, come home.

i was perfectly fine until Ryder and i got home from the hospital.
that's when it all finally hit me.
 that something will be missing for the next 7 months.
the car radio isn't my friend anymore.
our bed and shower don't feel the same.
everywhere i look i see him there, only he's now a blur.
so much has changed.

i don't care about the little fights we use to have.
i don't give a fuck about his friends or his family. i don't even care that he still talks to them.
none of that even matters anymore. i want my husband home. i just want to be held, and taken care of. 
telling myself every single night before i go to bed that "i can do this" has worn off. 
i can't do this anymore, but i HAVE to, and that, i will.

Michael Patrick, please come home soon.
i'm losin it here without you.

[on a better note.]
Doctor gave Ryder and i a check up today and we are both perfectly healthy. they're still wondering how i managed to pull off the superwoman routine, after how much blood i lost and how I'm recovering AND taking care of a newborn by myself.
i got his birth certificate stuff good to go, and will finish doing all the paperwork stuff next week.
for once in my life, i just went home, i didn't want to overdo myself. yeah, that never happens.
i bought my first nursing bra and nipple cream and i still amaze myself that i enjoy breast feeding as much as i do, though i will also be formula feeding when it's more convenient.
[don't preach on my choices, you'll be deleted.]
Ryders doing well and handling life outside like a pro.
and i am absolutely loving mommyhood.
i just wish he would stay this tiny and cute and smelly good FOREVER!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Day 24; Introducing Michael Ryder.

Day 24; operation Deployment.

Since Daddy was able to get the play by play from Auntie Amber during the birth of our son, i will share the story.
but still know, he will always be first. =]

On April 21st, i started having contractions on and off throughout the day. before going to Ambers, i lost my mucus plug. thtw as around 1645.
On April 22nd at 0130, after leaving Ambers house about an hour earlier, i lay in bed to red when i felt something warm between my legs. knowing something wasn't right, i went to the bathroom and was greeted by a clear fluid just kind of, falling out. thinking it was done, i was honestly going to go to sleep until morning.
but then more and more kept coming.
so i packed my bags and called Amber and went and got her and Brydan and drove to Naval.
yes, I'm that stubborn that i demanded to drive.
the contractions got worse, but i was admitted into Labor and Delivery room 4.
i ended up getting the epidural at 4 CM, i just could NOT handle it.
At 8am, i was dilated to a 6. i was progessing well, the contractions were so stong i still felt them through the epidural, just not as bad,
at 4 PM, i was still at a full 6 cm. i had stopped dilating so we dressed in scrubs and it was off the C Section.
Amber in Scrubs and all, i lay there, just waiting.
but the pain medication didn't kick in.
i felt them slice into me.
i can't remember if i screamed or what but the next thing i know, I'm woken up 2 hours after my son was born.
i remember nothing. 
i asked if it was a boy about three times. and what color hair he had. thats all i cared about.
i was all hazy until i was wheeled back into my room and i hear the most precious cry in the entire world.
and i see Amber walking towards me in her scrubs, and hands me
my son.
Michael Ryder Nelson was born at 1713 on the 22nd of April, 2011, at the Robert E. Bush Naval Hospital in Twentynine Palms, California.
He weighed 7 pounds and 7 ounces, and was 20.1 inches long.
he is the first born of Kimberly Susannah and Michael Patrick Nelson.

 Everything about the past 4 days has made myself, my marriage, the bonding with my son, and my family, stronger than i ever could have imagined. 
all because of this perfect, ten fingers, ten toes, package.
this entire experienceof bringing my son into the world terrified me.
 i was so scared to not have Mike there, but i was so thankful that he was able to talk to me through facebook chat the entire way through it. we were a team, even from opposite sides of the world.
that alone made us stronger.
Amber and Travis stopped being my friends this weekend, and became my family.
things i would never want my husband to see, Amber saw
she held my hand and talked me through the epidural, she made me laugh when i was stuck in bed. she wore her daddy band and dressed in scrubs, just to hold my hand, hug and kiss my forehead goodbye.
she was the first person to hold my newborn son, she texted my mom pictures and called to tell her i was doing fine.
she gave my husband the play by play on what was happening and when.
she had Ryder waiting for me when i was wheeled back into the room.
she stayed with me, and never left my side. 
she made sure i was drinking plenty of water, and she fed and changed Ryder when i still couldn't get out of bed.
All the while, Travis was there for her and i both emotionally, and made sure my dogs were fed.
he even talked to my mom when we were working on getting released because my phone was dying and i was packing up all my things.
he was waiting at home for us, to help introduce Indy and Holly to Ryder for the first time.
and then came over later that night when they had gotten out, to help find them.
they tell me i could have done this without them, it was just nice to have support.
but honestly, without them these last 3 weeks, i don't think i could have. 
my family is so incredibly blessed for all the things they have done for us, and we only met them a few months ago. 
they are my best of friends, and i hope that Ryder and Brydan will grow up close, seeing as they are making us move to Minnesota! lol
it brings both my mom and i to tears when we talk about them now, my angels in disguise. i can not thank them enough, just for everything. i don't even think they have a clue on how much my heart melts when i think about the Tilseths. that's one name i will never forget, and i will forever know, that we are truely blessed.

having Ryder has been, the most important thing that i have ever done in my lifetime.
he is the sweetest, most loving baby i have ever met.
and it amazes me that Michael and i, created this extraordinary little baby, just the two of us.
he means the world to both of us. even if his Daddy is in another country right now, i know he'd do anything just to be with us.
i would go through it all over again if i would have to.
it's just the three of us against the world now!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Day Twenty; haunted radio.

Day Nineteen; Operation Deployment.
ah, i miss my husband, like, uber bad tonight.
it's taken me about 3 weeks to get to this point, and honestly, I'm surprised.
and the thing that broke me?
fucking RAP music.
fuck. my. life.

i chose this picture as the picture today because it's one of the first ones Mike and i took together.
i remember this night clearly.
i went to his house to stay the night before my Evansville drive.
he was sick but that didn't matter. 
i mean this kid was knocked up on cold medicine and was so out of it but we stayed up late making love and snuggling anyway.
it was a friday.
and i was nekked in this picture. but i took it anyway.
we hadn't known each other long but look at the way he looked at me then.

i have decided that i can't really listen to ANYTHING without thinking of Mike.
my skinny scrawny little white boy listens to rap. rap, i hate rap!
but yet i find myself in tears. going back to a time, a place, where he was singing completely off key, more than likely not even singing the right lyrics.
Eminem, Jeezy, Lil Wayne. Kanye.
i guess it's because he keeps telling me he listens to our songs over in Afghanistan.
i wonder if he feels his heart rip into pieces just like i currently am
"Not Afraid" Eminem. our road trip to California. I woke up in Iowa to him screaming this song at the top of his lungs to stay awake. bobbin his head. <3
today was a bad day for the two of us. and realizing how close Ryder was to being here, and we've never been this far apart, when all we really need is to be together. it's really getting to him and i can't be there to do anything to help him through this.
while also, handling myself feeling the exact same way, but trying to hold it all together for my family.
and all we need right now is to be in our bed, just laying there, listening to these songs i have ALWAYS hated together.
i never imagined doing this all without him, my best friend, my shoulder. 
i know he had to go. i will never think it's fair, but i understand it isn't his fault.
i'd do anything. tonight, i just need you.
i fucking miss you, Michael Patrick.

there's so many songs now added to the "no no" playlist.
NOTHING is the same without him.
please come home soon.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Day Nineteen; Eviction Notice!

I have been fighting an inward battle with myself on a handful of things.
i am doing okay, you don't have to worry. but it stinks regardless.
i just had never expected things to get this way, not now. 
regardless, i HAVE to hold it together for the sake of my son.

I had my final baby doctors appointment this afternoon.
after shipping Mikes first care package of little things he's been asking for. 
there still wasn't much progress with him, i was fairly disappointed.
he is estimated between 7 and 7 and a half pounds currently.
and he got his Evitction Notice Date.
that of course, i will not be announcing.
there's light at the end of the tunnel afteall. it makes this all so much more real and terrifying.
i can honestly say, i can't wait for him to get here, i am very scared, but i have my friends support and hands to hold, i know that everything will be okay. 
my entire life is about to change, i have never wanted to embrace anything more in my entire life.
i am SO ready to be Ryders Mommy. <3

i've decided not to update every night, seeing as my life equals nothing right now.
i went to the library today. =]
and i sleep a shit ton. 
but i more than likely won't update as often as i had planned to. 
oh well, more time gone!
less time til.

stay safe, wherever you are.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Day Sixteen; Mister Moo.

Day Sixteen; Operation Deployment.
i got my 5th Care Package since Mike has been gone today. 
another 30 pound box from my wonderous mom.
and that's when i realized how spoiled this child really is.
it was my "baby shower in a box" and there was lots of cute things for baby in there.
one being this cow stuffed animal and blanket.
i still have yet to find out my obsession with cows. i have long past given up trying.
it really made me miss her, presents were wrapped and though i got to talk to her on the phone, it wasn't the same as her being in front of me, of course.
it made me sad that i knew Mike wasn't coming home later so that i could show all the cool stuff to him.
it was a rather emotional moment.

however, as i've said before, i know i know, everything is now ready.
i had a productive day.
i did the dishes, laundry, scooped the poop, cleaned the table, dusted EVERYTHING. got boxes to send to Mike, filled up the truck, which honestly i almost forgot how to, seeing as i can't remember the last time i pumped it myself, took out the trash, and then fell into a small coma.
I'm 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant.
that was a load!
and got a much needed warm bath at the end of it all. :)

I got to talk to Mike a little bit tonight.
it's the first time since he got my not so nice message about his little friend.
who again, saw i posted something, and had to do the same.
i had unblocked him to see if Mike would delete the comments, so he saw what i wrote.
and Heather posted how much she missed him on there. ::palmface:: you cannot miss someone you don't even know! and haven't seen in forever.
but i was NOT very happy to see those things and i really, really, thought about deleting him and i told him so.
that all this was so uncalled for, i can't even post something to my husbands wall without it being mocked.
i miss the boot camp days with letters, there was drama there still, but at least i didn't have to read or hear about it!
he IMed me saying "hey sup"
and when i saw it pop up i thought it was another Mike Nelson on my friends list, yes oddly, i have two.
and, it was my husband
hm, hey sup to your wife?
pardon me?!
so, it didn't start off so well, didn't really end up all that well either.
but i knew he was alive, safe, and well.
i hate that i have to bring up stupid shit to him when he's half a world away.
but i stopped feeling bad about it this morning when i realized all this should have been fixed about a year ago and then neither of us would be dealing with it.
this newest comment he posted, was appropriate. it pissed me off regardless, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the two before. 
but he did end up deleting ONE post, the worse one. but only one? Mike, you really are special.
i just rolled my eyes at that. what a man, half assing everything.
but for the night i was done thinking about it. 
i'm just really, really done with these people.
it pisses me off how much i let them get to me, when i sit there and try to tell myself NOT to let it get to me.
but i really can't help it. and Mike will REALLY need to do something about it when he gets back, oh don't worry, i'll make sure of that.
being a husband and a daddy, and being their "boy".. arent an option anymore. he can not have both when they're STILL pulling crap like this.
i'm putting my foot down for the sake of my son.
nice knowing y'all. =]
well, not so much.

oh and p.s. 
my toes still look amazing.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Day Fifteen; Little Bitty Pretty.

Day Fifteen; Operation Deployment.
i woke up to IMs from my hubby and we got to talk for almost 2 hours on and off because his internet was being mean to us. lol. he misses and loves us so much, and him bot being able to be here for the two of us is really hitting him hard. I don't know what to do to make it easier for him and it breaks my heart.
he says a picture of the ultrasound and our Mizpah coin hang from the display in his room and my letter and picture go with him everywhere he goes. it made me want to cry.
i miss him so much.
but, he's safe and strong, doing well. that's all i can really ask for.

I got my 4th care package in 2 weeks today for Ryder. My sister sent me a box with cute clothes, a toy, and a book. it made me smile. but then made me feel bad because Ryder has gotten things and i havent sent Mikes stuff out yet. lol. this baby is rather spoiled already!

i slept most of the day. just passed out for like, 4 hours and woke up to Ambers text. 
i met her at Nail World and we got pedicures together.
and honestly, it was one of the nicest things i have done for myself in a really long time.
i deserved a little pampering.
my last week as a single person with no tiny baby attatched!
and now while I'm busy obliterating my vagina, at least i can say my toes looked good. =]

i went over to her house to visit with her and Brydan, i fall in love with that little man all the time! he's seriously so precious.
 we talked about my labor plan.
and I'm beginning to get more and more and more irritated with people STILL asking me for updates on my son. Jessica said it right when she told me that obviously these people don't really care what i say because they don't read my blog posts or statuses, and ask anyway.
doesn't matter how long you've known me, or followed my life and pregnancy.
have some respect for my family, my husband nonetheless.
i know I'm doing the right thing.
i've begun unfriending people for asking me, when the baby is due, if i've had him yet, how he's doing, and telling me they can't wait to see pictures.
you'll be lucky if you know he's born a week after he really is.
you won't see pictures for quite some time. you know how slow Afghanistan mail is?
if you're on my "labor team," yes i have my own little team of women there for me, to either me in the room with me, or who actually deserve to know when i go into labor and have him, then back off.
it's hard enough having my husband away, when I'm giving birth to his son. 
i don't need people IMing me up the ass asking about OUR son.
if you havent been where i am, you wouldn't get it.
if you have been where i am and didn't do it this way, i feel sorry for you.

and also, please stop facebook IMing me at all hours of the night.
mainly asking why I'm not asleep.
most of the time i AM asleep, and then I'm woken up.
Facebook chat is how i talk to my husband most often.
i don't need to be hearing the tone and getting excited, just to read about you complaining about your life.
i sleep, A LOT. i'm up very rarely during the day.
everything exhausts me and i can barely function.
so please, unless it's important, don't IM me.
especially all the time, and especially to just complain.
i'm sorry, your life might be bad right now, but trust me.
i'd do ANYTHING to trade places and have it easier for me right now.
be thankful you have your husband next to you at night.
or he gets to hold your child.
and shut the fuck up to me about it.

after leaving Ambers i went and got a Monster and for about, 10 minutes. i felt like i could run a marathon.
then i remembered how fat i was after trying to run up the stairs and changed my mind. =]

i love you M.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Day Fourteen; Two Weeks Down!

Day Fourteen; Operation Deployment.
wowee! time really has flown since Michael left.
i honestly' can't believe it's been two weeks already!
it has been incredibly weird without him around, but time has really flown and i couldn't be more thankful! i just hope it stays that way!

i woke up to a text saying i could pick up the glider i wanted, it's really the ONLY thing i've wanted for this baby. so, i was pretty excited.
and THEN, hubby was IMing me on facebook. he misses me and he listens to our songs alot. which is a good thing because every time i get into the truck to drive somewhere, he haunts the radio and some song or another comes on and reminds me of hims!
we talked for a little while but then he had to go. =[
but later on the CLB7 Facebook page put up a picture of him!
he looks sooo goofy bald. and he's still as skinny as ever, i hope the snackies I'm sending in the care package here soon fattens him up!
it was amazing seeing him, it almost makes me feel like he's still in 29 Palms, trapped at his shop.

my handsomes!
[clearly, the dating is wayyyy wrong, lmao!]

i took a little nap before my doctors appointment, and i got a reserved mommys parking spot, which, NEVER happens.
but the appointment was pointless and it really made me angry.
i saw someone i hadn't seen before, and he was on call for delivery.
i was in the room a whole 5 minutes!
he basically said, since i wasn't contracting regularly and i didn't want my membranes stripped, to make an appointment again for next week.
he checked the babies heartbeat, which I'm pretty sure he mistook for my own, and he didn't even check to see my progress. like really? i didn't even have time to ask ANY questions because he was called back up to deliver another baby.
couldn't you have gotten someone else to see me then?
needless to say, i was NOT happy, and I'm really done with being pregnant!

after yet another nap, yes, i napped twice today, i decided to go to WalMart and get lots and lots of stuffs for Mikes first care package.
when i got out of the truck a lady asked me if i had boughten the truck locally, at the dealership we bought it from. i guess the truck whose to be hers and she traded it in. i just thought it was random and funny. glad she did, it might be a gas guzzler but i LOVE our truck!
after our last phone call, i started to feel kind of bad that i had waited so long. 
so i made sure to spoil hims.
it really made me miss him though. i thought long and hard on what to get for him. he kind of makes it difficult. lol. and i got Ryder a "manly cow" since the other cows i have for him are girlie and we can't have that!
then i saw a cute shirt with a skateboarding monkey on it and i giggled because that's my husband RIGHT there. so i had to buy it and i got it in 6-9 months in hopes he can fit into it when his daddy is here.
and a cute little preemie outfit JUST in case he isn't as big as he should be by now. it will be his Easter outfit.
because i am determined to have him out and home by then!
so we can color easter eggs!
man I'm going to miss him being in my belly, but I'm going to love having him in my arms, FINALLY!

two weeks down; too many more to go.
i love and miss you sweet boy, stay safe and come home to us soon!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Day Eleven, Twelve, and Thirteen; &*!!!@$%#^&

the last three days, i have just been so incredibly stressed out.
and i can't recall ONE good thing that has happened.
Monday, after about 3 hours of sleep, i had a WIC appointment. where they told me i might no longer qualify because Mike is Deployed and he might "make too much"
which really made me angry because that was a load off our shoulders and we could actually finally SAVE somewhere. i'm not worried about my food, I'm worried about the formula. we had that planned and then now it might not work that way.
i get home and call my mom and we talk about it and i calm down.
just to check our minutes and see that i had hit the limit.
and we still have 7 days in the billing cycle.
just awesome!
i had told Mike NOT to lessen our minutes because, especially with him gone, I'll be calling my mom a lot.
so, god forbid i go into labor, no one will know about it unless i text them, or it's after 9 PM!
this is why i never wake up before 11 AM, bad things happen.
so i went back to sleep.
later while I'm on facebook i see Chris's status calling me a skank that had herpes, saying i needed to stop blowing Marines since i had already gotten "knocked up" by one.
which pissed me off even more. like, really?
we've been together almost 2 years now and this shit STILL happens when he leaves. i don't care how many times I'm told "don't let it bother you"
it fucking does, it's annoying. not only that, but now they're creepin on my blogs!
do these people honestly have NO lives??
so, i had to get on Facebook, look up all the people i deleted, and BLOCK them, so that i could be invisible to everyone, and i didn't have to read the nasty comments on my husbands page.
i shouldnt have to do that, especially not with everything else going on!

tuesday i went and picked up our maternity photos and i was slightly disappointed.  i had expected more seeing as we took a lot of pictures.
and that is currently the only way that i could see my husband.
i was looking forward to seeing a couple more, that we'rent on the disk.
and the events of the day before still hadnt worn off, so i was angry.
i just went to friggen sleep after that. 
i went to Amber and Travis's [okay, i lied. being there was the one good thing for the week.]
and had a great time. honestly, i have no idea what i would do without them.
on my drive there, Monique, my supposed closest friend out here, that has been telling me since October that we were going to be in this birthing process together, we had this tight knit plan, tells me, OH! she's going to L.A. to visit her family until Easter Sunday.
what. the. fuck?
i knew she had a baby shower this weekend but to be gone that long, RIGHT by my due date, when you have been telling me this entire time about our plan?
you tell me you'll be back this weekend, then now extend it a week? then have the nerve to joke and say that he better wait until after Easter to make his arrival?!
i was so incredibly mad. must be fucking nice to get to see your family often.
i haven't seen mine since SEPTEMBER, and I'm the one that needs to.
it's a 2 and a half hour drive. you made a commitment to be there for me. go to the baby shower and come back.
i mean, if she was going to see other family she hasn't seen in awhile in another state, i could actually understand! but when they're less than 3 hours away and you can go see them whenever you want, and you JUST saw them, i can't.
it really put a whole other impression in my mind. i was completely let down.
i don't know what i would do without the Tilseths.
it just shocked me that this is happening, right now. 
when I'm already broken down!
i know, she means well, and i don't think she really knew that it would effect me and upset me THIS bad. seeing as she's been there for me for a really long time, but it really does hurt. 
 was really counting on her. and I'm jealous she gets to see her family so much.
just wish someone could and would always be there for me.

finally, last night, i got almost a full nights sleep.
waking up a few times to go pee, because this child likes playing with my bladder.
i wake up and FINALLY get a phone call from Mike.
knowing we have no minutes, i answer anyway and just decide to pay for the minutes we use.
how can i sit there and let my phone ring and NOT answer it?
maybe because it was that i kept having shitty days, but the phone conversation was NOT what i needed to hear at all. we talked about a few important things, he told me what he wanted in a care package, then asked if i have started one yet.
no Mike, I'm waiting until payday. you know, when i actually CAN.
as if I'm not already preoccupied with getting things ready for our son to be born, I'm sorry that sending a care package isn't first on my list this week.
this, coming from the guy who told me not to send anything often, to save money.
he tells me to send him a calling card as well because he only had 20 minutes left on his.
which reminded him to ask me how long we'd been talking, because he needed to make another call.
uhm, what?!
so i sit here and wait all week, when i could already have the baby, and you tell me all you want in this care package, and that we can't talk as long as you can because you needed to call someone else?
we didn't talk about much, some important things when it came to the house, but what could you POSSIBLY have to say to someone else? 
get online, find internet, and email them.
this could be the last time i talk to him before i give birth to our son, i've had a shitty few days, and then you rush off the phone to call... who exactly?
I'm assuming his mom. but to say what?!
I'm sure she knows you're safe and busy. shouldn't you want to talk to your wife?
yeah i know, maybe I'm selfish, but i really needed him. i really needed to hear him say that this was just a tough few days and it'll get better.
but i just got an "i love and miss you, talk to you soon, bye." at the end.

so i went to the MCX because i really want Photoshop. i was going to buy myself something for once!
when i asked about the stupid wifi booster he told me was 30 bucks that he really wanted so he could actually get online and talk and skype.
yeah, that shit was 80 bucks.
so yeah, i sat there and i bought it and didn't even bother looking at Photoshop.
and of course that irritated me because I've always put what i wanted aside for him.
call me crazy but i lived for him once. i wrote him in boot camp EVERY day, only receiving ten letters myself. and he came home with 16 unopened envelopes.
over a year later, they're still unopened in a box of letters we have. 
i spent so much time on them, pouring my heart out to him, telling him all he needed to hear to get by and they went unread. so excuse me for not jumping at the chance to do that all over again when I'm trying to prepare for the arrival of our son, by myself. when a ton of things are getting messed up!
as much as i love him, he's been gone 2 weeks. he knows i have a lot going on and will get to getting him things when i possibly can.
asking me the progress on care packages only makes it worse when I'm trying to fix everything here.
i wish there was more time, instead of his "other phone call" because he's missed a week of things, because he hasn't checked his email.
so there's a ton of crap he doesn't even know about, that isn't comforting!
i also called T Mobile to add minutes to our plan.
i wasn't worried about anything because when Mike suspended his line, he told the guy to put me as the primary on the account. i heard him say this.
well, apparently, I'm not. and there's nothing i can do to the account over the phone.
i have a POA, but i have no way to fax it as proof, and no way to drive an hour and a half away to do it myself. seeing as even a drive to and from base is comfortable anymore i can't handle it.
so i have another 5 days until i can actually use my phone before 9 PM.
how awesome is that?!

i've just had enough. i don't give a shit if you're sitting here reading this saying "oh, thats nothing, that's just life."
FUCK LIFE, then.
i can be strong, i can be tough, clearly I'm holding down the fort JUST fine.
but one thing one top of another, on top of another, and yet another. gets to be a little much.
i know I'd be handling this completely different if i wasnt 39 weeks pregnant, no signs of labor, not knowing what's going on with my body, or how to get hold of my husband, or a backup plan in case something goes wrong, AGAIN, if i could actually email my husband and him bother to check it, if he actually cared about whats important to me, and i didn't have to run around to everyone else, help everyone else, and just focus on me.
i think i have a right to bitch and moan from time to time.
tonight, is that time!

Magic Hour by Kristin Hannah is the current book I'm reading, though it exhausts me to do so. it's the only thing that'd gotten me through the last few days.
that, and The Sims 3. :)
so, that's my picture for the last three days.
i'm almost done with it, so I'm going to end my shitty post and go read the last few chapters.
and i'm going to hope tomorrow is a better day.
because at least i have a positive outlook that things WILL get better.
just not tonight.

p.s. i love you Michael.
even if you kind of make me mad sometimes.
i know you mean well, always. just don't forget about the two waiting at home.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Day Ten; Cleaning Out Life.

Day Ten; Operation Deployment.
day ten.
like the ten days after boot leave where we realized how much we loved on another and were going to make this work no matter what.
like the ten days left until I'm due to have my son.
ten days since my husband left.
and the second Sunday down.
so that means, letter time. <3

more so a boring uneventful day. i cleaned the bedroom, finally. and that was really hard. moving all his stuff. his clothes. it was HIS mess and i got to pick it all up.
thanks babe.
and i cleaned up Ry's nursery so now everything is good and ready.
after my nap i called my mom and told her i wanted sghetti, but she convinced me to get a papa johns pizza instead. so i did. it makes me sad because that was Mike and I's thing, as well as my mom and I's thing.
and here i was sitting here eating a large pizza by myself.
until i was summoned over to Lisettes house to watch a comedy with the girls, and then Coming Home.

i decided to clear out some people from my life and really, it feels amazing.
after the little spat with Mikes old friend yesterday, and then seeing Heather "like" the comment on Facebook, i decided that i had had enough.
i realized that i had to cut ties with every single person in Mikes former life, attatched to that group.
Heather, Stephanie, and Mindy got deleted. although they have never done much to me personally, Heather hangs out with some of the guys, Stephanie is her sister, and Mindy, same thing, hangs out with Heather. it kind of bothered me because i felt rude, but i knew it had to be done.
they use to be Mikes friends, so why should it matter if they were mine or not?
also, for awhile now, I've felt Heather has had a "thing" for my husband.
though i know she'd never advance at it.
they'd skype, text often, she was planning to come out here, and all our conversations were about him.
so i figured the only reason she was my friend was to get updates on him, and his flesh and blood.
it kind of sucks because we use to talk alot, but after mike left that stopped. it bugged me when she commented on his Skype picture how much she missed him.
when they don't know each other well and they haven't seen each other in a long time. that to me just, was inappropriate, call me selfish.
i also take pride in being the only one knowing updates on my Husband.
during boot camp, me and everyone else knew the same things basically at the same time.
now, i know it all. i get phone calls and skypes and facebook IMs and messages.
not many others do, and if they do get an email, it's short.
i suppose, like our son, it's something i hold dear to me.
i have no reason to keep people informed. i did that during boot camp and i didn't get any more respect for it. so why even bother to continue trying?
and why should i risk his friends knowing anything about my son through the grapevine?
so, they've all been deleted and can't see anything but my profile picture. and if i decide to put one up of my son, i might just end up blocking everyone so I'm invisible.
that's just the way it has to be sometimes.

at the end of the night i found out a friend of mine from my hometown, is also in Twentynine Palms for Comm School for the next year. i thought that was pretty cool. like Michelle and Derek, we're from small towns, and yet we end up in the same places.

I'm going to go write my husband a cute little snail mail letter that he will more than likely get 3 weeks from now. i love and miss him so much. =]

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Day Nine; little help from my friends.

Day Nine; Operation Deployment.
today was possibly one of the best day since Mike left.
i slept most of the day as usual, and played the Sims for a little bit.
i got pissed off and irritated with mikes so called friends and i really just wish theyd fall off  the face of the earth and i can't believe theyre STILL at this shit, a year and a half later. why would you sit there and claim he's your boy but proceed to piss his wife off EVERY time he leaves? when this time is even more stressful than the last? 
and that finalized my decision, even his mom, to not let any of them into my sons life. 
thats my choice but this stuff is still happening. with his sister a few weeks ago, with his friends now. 
how rude and disrespectful they are, no, I'm not having it. 
so, until at least November, they won't have anything to do with Ryder.

around dinner time, my friend Lauren calls me.
Lauren and i use to work at PSC together and i have always looked up to her. i would always go to her for advice, she was always there for me, never judging, always helpful.
she called to check in on me, though she joked because she knew i didn't want to be checked up on, but she couldn't help herself, she was worried.
and i was honest, i'm doing alright.  ups and downs.
we talked about babies, she just had little Logan about 3 months ago.
she tried preparing me the best she could. 
and she told me, how strong i was. how she couldn't do what i've been doing, or what I'm about to do.
and how proud of me she was of me.
and it honestly melted my heart. just to hear that from her, the one I've always looked up to, meant so incredibly much to me. Josh, another PSC squad member, also said i was one of the strongest people he knows. 
and even though i don't feel strong, at all, mostly ever.
hearing that from people I've always looked up to, and leaned on, means so, so much.

Lisette, Monique, and I went and saw Hall Pass last night on base at Midnight. 
not gonna lie, it was one hilarious movie.
we just thought it was funny because our husbands just left.
and as comic as the movie was, it kind of made me think and miss Mike even more.
just thinking about the future, who we have become as a couple, broke my heart. and i wanted him next to me.
we went back to their casa and stayed up until 5 in the morning talking about the guys, where they are, our marriages, the goods, the bads. how they're doing over there, and our issues with this Deployment.
it was really nice to have someone going through the EXACT same thing. 
and it made me realize that no matter who we are, where we've came from, weve all been through similar things, we're all alot alike.
and i am so thankful that theyre in my life and they stayed in 29, because i think i wouldnt be doing as well without them. 

i checked my mail coming home at 5 am, and there was a little card from my mommy, thinking of you. 
it's just the little things like that, that keep me going. and make me smile. =]

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Day Eight; Tangled.

Day Eight; Operation Deployment.
i was really upset when i woke up to pee and saw that i had missed Mike's IM and a facebook message. i usually always hear my phone go off, and of course the ONE time i don't want to miss it, i do.
i called my mom all sad like and then had to hang up on her really fast because i was getting an "unknown" call that makes my heart skip beats!
i was so happy to hear his voice!
he's doing good, he sounded happy, which is what really matters.
and he tells me he shaved his head and is keeping his mustache!
i'm a little nervous to see this!
all in all, we got to talk for a full 16 minutes. it was like heaven.
he had to do some training, he was telling me about his bunking situation and how he smacks his head on the ceiling from the bunk. 
we discussed the fastest ways to get hold of him when that moment comes.
and he told me he loved and missed me like a thousand times. 
it just makes me feel really good. him calling like he does. i know he hasn't called anyone else.
its nothing like boot camp and i really like coming first and knowing almost all the details when no one else does.
i laid around the rest of the day mostly, i just havent been feeling well he past few days and everything exhausts me. i dont know whats up, guess my body preparing me for whats about to come!
Monique came over for a little bit and we discussed this stupid pay freeze, that, for today, they decided to throw out so we will continue getting paid.
for right now at least.
a few minutes after she left, i got yet ANOTHER unknown phone call.
two times in one day babe? really?
you sure do spoil me. though i won't get use to it because things over there are about to get a little busy.
well, here AND there.
it felt so nice to talk to him, even though we both know it's hard. and we've decided to stick mostly to emailing. he knows I'm tired and am resting up for the big day.
poor guy is soooo tore up about not being able to be here.
i have no idea what to do to make him feel better!
after dishes i decided to go return my redbox and get another one, and SODA. i haven't had any in like a week and that's more than likely the cause of my headaches and sleepiness. i know I'm going to need SOMETHING to keep me awake shortly.
i watched the movie Tangled.
which was cute and now Gracie calling me to tell me to name Ryder, "Flynn Rider" makes sense, because she had seen that movie.
it was cute, but as cute as it was, it wasn't ANYTHING close to the perfect love story we've made for ourselves!
cheesy, i know. [ymmmm cheese.]

Holly was carrying around her giant bone, up and down ways, and she had her head in the air basically falling over.
and i think the noise from the TV was hurting Indys ears because he was howling and crying, which he NEVER does.
it made me miss Mike, because Indy doesn't howl with anyone but daddy.
they both miss Mike and they have sad faces on. poor little things.
for the most part, a pretty slow day.
everyone was all stressed out about the pay freeze.
but for right now, that stress is over.

stay safe, stay strong.
and come home soon babe. =]

Friday, April 8, 2011

Day Seven; One Week Down.

Day Seven; Operation Deployment.
it feels funny to say that i haven't seen my husband in a week.
it hasn't gotten any easier, i havent thought about him any less.
sleeping at night hasn't gotten into a better routine.
but here i am anyway.
i have made sure that i have gotten out of the house at least everyday, even to do the smallest of things.
and I'm trying to pull myself from the couch more.
I'm still exhausted from basically anything that i do.
i just want my husband home.

i woke up late again today, i really don't see this changing much. lol.
i went to the commissary and did good.
i spent exactly what i wanted to.
though it was on little things to hold me over until hopefully next paycheck.
then i went and got my free highchair from the Home Store. =]
i havent decided yet if i just want to juggle it upstairs and put it in the gear room, or actually set it up and be done with it.
regardless, i love it. it was such a nice thing.

i came home and made myself some spongebob mac n cheese and talked to my mom after a nap.
i swear i can never get a full nap in anymore because i jump at my phone everytime it rings.
dunny how that happens. i've ignored and slept through my phone multiple times.
Mike's gone and BAM, i'm completely tuned in
i watched "Love and Other Drugs"
and then the season premier of ABDC with Monique.
well, we were texting.
and giggling because had Mike been here, he'd be trying to copy the moves, thinking he actually has rhythm, can dance, or ignore the fact that he's completely and extremely white.
i promise babe, i can never forget the "sexy jerk" at D'Gidios!

 i still have some cleaning to do before Ryder gets here.
but i have officially turned off all Ry updates on facebook.
i was going to wait until Sunday but every day i keep getting question on the progress of this "labor" and when he's going to be here.
i don't really think people even come close to understanding where i stand right now.
it's a personal matter.
i shared the news of my last appointment AFTER i had talked to my husband about it first.
it's his child.
he isn't here and that hurts me to no end.
but he should be the one asking how my contractions are, if there is any.
or how I'm feeling, if I'm nervous, or scared, or excited.
not everyone else.
and i know that everyone ese means well, but I'm having a really difficult time him not being here.
Deployment would be fine, I'd be doing a lot better than i am right now.
it's the simple fact that i'm terrified to do this without my husband, despite my friends and support.
that it shouldn't have to be this way, but it is.
i hold my son in my belly so closely because of Mike being so far away. i think that's what made us bond so fast after we found out it was going to be a boy.
and now that he's gone.. it feels like something i just want to keep between the two of us. as best as i can anyway, never knowing when communication will come into play.

i just miss him, a shit ton.
one week down.
one week away from those loving arms of yours.
one week closer to kissing those soft lips.

update; full BOG. <3

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Day Six; Operation Stork

Day Six; Operation Deployment.
What a gloomy day in 29 Palms, but i got to sleep after i talked to my hubby for a little bit on facebook, it was wonderful!
i didn't feel like doing much today so i just laid around and slept.
my mom sent me a 30 pound care package, box number three, filled with baby essentials.
she's really been such a big help with this baby, girl AND boy. lol.
i live for those boxes, they make me feel so wonderful.

then i went to the Operation Stork baby shower on base.
i have to say, for as screwy as the Marine Corps can be, they do some pretty wonderful things for the wives.
we got lots of food and freebies, a free diaper bag filled with baby stuff, and i even won a high chair! which is pretty cool because it's something we don't have yet.
I'm really glad that i took a tylenol and went. got me out of the house for a little bit.

when i got home, i started getting to work. ever since the last doctors appointment i've been pretty nervous about Ry just popping out and things aren't done yet. 
i did two loads of laundry from my mom and i put it all away. the newborn in one drawer, the 0-3 in another. and i can honestly say, we DO NOT need anything smaller that 3 months. i swear i will have to change him seven times a day if i want him to wear it all, lol.
i put his new crib bedding on his crib, got the random things out of his pack n play and put the sheet on that. i got his little basket of diapers and wipes ready, and his bathroom all set and cleaned.
now all that needs to be done is the cleaning of OUR things that i just havent gotten to.
maybe I'll tackle all that tomorrow and just relax for the rest of the days.
because i know he can be here any day now.
all thats missing is daddy. =]

his mom messaged me on facebook, after i had messaged her telling her i wasn't ready to add her back to my facebook yet.
maybe one day i will be, or won't be.
so she gets all fake and tells me she just wants to know when her own flesh and blood is born.
and that she sees how much mike loves Ryder and i and she would never try to tear us apart.
little does she know that she's been trying to get between us since we got together and it hasn't worked, so of course it couldn't work now.
she keeps asking what i need for him.
and honestly, it bothers me.
i don't ever want to feel like i owe her something, and i hate the fact that she can be all mushy when she wants something. 
i'll tell her when my son is born when I'm good and ready.

which reminds me. I'm turning updates on labor, delivery, and Ryder here within the next few days.
no pictures posted, no updates written.
i just havent decided when.
i've been lucky enough to get to talk to Mike quite a bit lately but i don't know when that will stop and really, it isn't fair to him.
so if questions are asked, they more than likely won't be answered more than likely starting Sunday. 
unless of course you're in my labor team, yes, i have a whole team now, lol. then you HAVE to know.
after he's born and i get hold of Mike, i will more than likely post.
no pictures as well until i know he's seem them.
just hope that Ryder and i have a quick and safe delivery! and keep us in your thoughts!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Day Five; Just When I Needed Him.

Day Five; Operation Deployment.
i woke up this morning and my doorbell rang and there was 2 boxes sitting outside.
i got two care packages from one of my close friends Becky.
it really cheered me up from my off days lately. she sent me baby stuff, and cow outfits and they were sooo cute!
i know Ryders going to love them, and his bath toys, trucks, and books.
we love our auntie becky!

then i had my baby doctor appointment for 38 weeks.
it was scary, walking into the exam room by myself.
i knew i looked ust short of death, i had barely slept, i was in sweats and his baggie tee shirt and it was about 80 degrees outside.
and it was the same room we were in on Thursday, when Mike was there with me.
i got to see my regular doctor, and the whole appointment i was almost in tears. she's always been so kind and gentle, that didn't help at all.
my blood pressure was still a little high. Ryders heartbeats were in the 130s. his little noggin is RIGHT down there. she was poking his head with her fingers.
which kind of made me want to laugh. no wonder he didnt want to come out last week, daddy was too busy attacking his face! he must have been scared. haha.
i am still 1 cm dilated and 80% efaced. so now all we do it wait for a contraction and tell him to invite all his friends.
she said, since i was 38 weeks, i could have had my membranes stripped.
IF the procedure worked, i could go into labor and have him in my arms in about 72 hours. 
my heart started racing, i got absolutely terrified.
i told her no, that was okay. i mean, i still have things i need to get done.
was i really ready for all of this?
i mean, i know i don't have much of a choice now do i?
as soon as i walked out of the office though, i started crying. never, since we have been together, have i needed him so much. my heart had just torn in two.
at that moment i had no idea where he was, or when i'd talk to him, or even how i'd talk to him.
i sat in the truck and just broke down completely.

after i pulled myself together, i drove home. i couldn't keep my eyes open any longer so i decided to take a nap.
a little ways into my nap, my phone always being in my hand, it vibrated.
Mikey was online!
he asked me to get on skype, so i did and BAM, what a handsome face was there waiting for me!
that happy, smiling face that i love and needed to see so much.
even though it didn't last very long, i got to see his smile.
him being a goofbutt, wanted to see my belly, like it grew a ton in five days, silly.
he told me he loved and missed me before the internet connection started going bad.
i got a picture of hims before we ended the video call though!
again he had to get off before saying he'd talk to me later, but that was okay, i got to talk to him for a few minutes. i knew his whereabouts and he was safe and mostly happy.
it meant everything to me. and i fell in love with him, all over again. and i can see that happening alot in the next 8 months. =]

i but the car seat base in the car, made a commissary list for tomorrow, and i steralized Ryders bottles. i made sure i ate a little something even though i wasn't hungry, and i made some "bug juice"
then later sitting online, Mike signs on and he IMs me from facebook.
he was back online. yay! just for a little bit. he had just gotten back from the gym and a shower. and we figured out that we are 13 hours apart. that was weird! it felt like a whole different world. 
we only talked for a few minutes but again, it felt amazing. i made sure he was okay, he felt alright, and what he needed from home so that i could send it to him. 
and then he was gone, saying he loved me and he would try to get on later.

all this adjusting is so weird. i know I'm already doing a lot better.
I'm getting through the days, even if I'm exhausted.
talking to him every other day or two helps, especially today, i was sad and i really needed him. i think he felt that, and found a way to talk to me.
i love him so incredibly much, i can't even begin to explain.
i can't wait to snuggle the mini hims. and i can't wait for the big hims to come home and we can be a family. =]