Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Day 89; That Goofy Heart.

Day 89; Operation Deployment.

i got the cutest Afghanistan email tonight.
i'm not sure if he would want me to post it, but it's too cute not to.
my husband has never been good with words. his jumbled up sentences and misplaced words.
but every word he has ever said, has made me fall in love with him more.

"here is something a little different for ya i wrote last night, i didnt do any corrections to it just wrote it as i thought it out.   

your beauty to me,
its not just your stunning looks
or your perfect smile
its your kindness and strength
that push our hearts together
your softening voice as i hear
the words i love you
and ill see you soon
screw it girl i want to bring
you that moon
shoot i know its an oldschool
thing, but for you ill do anything
your warm soft hands that reach me deeply
i always love it when you lotion me weekly
your soft hair as i lay holding you tightly
god i love kissing you lots and lots nightly
forever forever is my promise to you
till this day i try to hold it true
your beauty to me
its all of you wrapped in one gift
and outta all the millions out there in this world
i happened to be swift
and pick that perfect gift
your beauty to me is holding our child
together in a picture and of course some on our
trips to disney gone wild
i know im not the greatest at putting this together
but i just want you to know i want things to get better
for better for worst we will always be there for one another
ill do my best to care for you because there is no other
just me you, and now our newborn
your beauty to me is everything about you
even the way you make your mean faces
they always leave images in my head like traces
i love you kimberly no matter what when how or why things change
i wont ever change that so better be ready
our lives are not going to be steady
they are gonna be fun and filled with life
lots of children maybe even five.
i love you beyond this world                

love and miss you your hubby Michael"

Monday, June 27, 2011

Day 88; Love,Love,Love.

Day 88; Operation Deployment.

 my heart is just, torn to pieces today.
i got an extremely heartfelt email from my husband, he showed me his heart once more. he tells me, he wants to do this together, because he doesn't know what a family is. he wants Ryder to grow up with both parents, doing things the right way, so our babies never have to live the way he did. he told me that i look so good as a mommy now, it just seems to fit. and i know when i see him with Ryder, i will bawl my eyes out at how perfect it is. the way he was talking, he wasn't Little Mikey anymore. he wasn't that boy that wasn't a Daddy. he gets it now, and he wants a family. he can't wait to try for another baby. he told me, he has a purpose. his purpose is me, and our babies. he now has something to live for, something he never had before. it made me fall in love with him, all over again.
"Ima strive as hard as i can to the best fit for our family no matter what it takes, blood, sweat, tears, depression, hunger, loneliness, anger,
just what ever stands there in our way ill knock it down blow it up or find a way around. i will do anything for you, and our family. I mean it with all my heart."
[my beautiful husbands words.]
Michael and I will never be that perfect couple. we're going to have our fights or two. and i might think about leavin. but who am i kiddin? he's the only one that knows me inside and out, he's my best friend and he's never not been there for me. with every fight we have, we get a little bit stronger. two people that are meant to be together, do through so many things that are meant to tear them apart, but they overcome each and every one of them and grwo stronger because of it. that's, what we are. for the past two years, everyone and everything have been trying to tear us apart. and here we are, planning our next kids names.lol.

before me, Mike never wanted to get married, never wanted to settle down or start a family. he wanted sex, but that's all those chicks were, fucks. within two weeks of us knowing each other, we both turned each others worlds upside down. honestly, i can't tell you which exact moment began to define us, August 15th, 2009 was more than likely it. but tonight, tonight was one of those defining moments, when i woke up from a nap with our son to see his heart spilling out in my Yahoo! he means so much to me. i love him with all my heart. and i can't wait for him to come home, the three of us laying and giggling and playing in bed, just as it should be. tradin kisses and talking about who we will soon be. our perfect little family. <3

i wonder if she reads this.
if she does, she will know i'm talking about her and know that, despite all things, i do really care about her. i just had to do what was best for my family.
i still read her blog, i check up on her. she still holds a special piece of my heart. and my heart aches for her. she seems to be having a really difficult time in her life, with family, friends. and i just want her to know that she isn't alone. and if she died, i could never forget her. i hope that, one day soon, her life finds the correct path for her, that she feels no more pain in all of her days. expect the tears of loving her life so much. i am happy that she found a man that she feels for, as i felt about Mike in the beginning. i hope every hurt that se feels today, makes her stronger for tomorrow. 
and she needs to know, that she means the world to me, even if we no longer talk. i hope that one day we can find our way back into each others lives, without hurts and insecurities. please, guardians, help my friend find her way. <3

Day 87; Remind Me.

Day 87; Operation Deployment.
i have decided to continue to update my countdown to the best of my ability without having proper internet until it's fixed.
i don't even care if people read it or not, i'm the one that really needs it, so who cares?
everyday, i see Mike in Ryder, more and more. they have never met, but they are connected in a way i never had imagined. i told Ry yesterday that Daddy would email us, and he wasn't able to, due to rivercity. So Ryder, refused to sleep. we were seriously up three hours past bedtime, his eyes all red, rubbing them, him almost falling asleep then his eyes popping wide open. i honestly believe he was waiting for his Daddy to email us. i always read them to him. he finally fell asleep, but as soon as he heard his Daddys voice on the phone this morning, he instantly woke up and stared at the phone. i put the phone to his ear and Mike was just talkin to him, and he lays there, and smiles. he knows his Daddy, there ain't a doubt about that. it just absolutely melts my heart. our little boy is absolutely amazing. but for now, he's a mommys boy! lately i have been breaking my rule and snuggling him to sleep because things have been difficult. he seems to be afraid that i will leave. he always wraps his tiny little fingers around my shirt, and he looks into my eyes until he falls asleep. it's just the sweetest little thing. he's usually always a happy baby, and i couldn't be more blessed to have such a wonderful son. :)
little mister monkey loves you babe! he can't wait to meet hims Dada!

Michael made me realize a whole lot in a half hour phone call this morning. i emailed him last night, just spilling my heart out. i told him that i wasn't handling life so well and i told him about what happened a few weeks ago about the truck. he read it, and emailed me right back telling me that it was going to be okay and he was getting offline right then and there to go and call me. a few minutes later, my phone ran. he had run from building to building to get to me faster, he asked if i was okay. i was fully prepared for him to be disappointed in me, to yell at me, something. but, he didn't. he said the only thing that mattered was the two of us, and nothing else. he would deal with it all when he was back, and after things settled down. it was just a truck. after some more talking he told me, he never intentionally hurt me. and even through our rough patches, he always picks the pieces back up. and that nothing will ever be the same once he's back in California.
and honestly, i whole heartedly believe that.
my husband is finally starting to get it. he has his head on straight and it took a Deployment to turn everything around. fucked up times and all, we're still pushing through it.
and it WAS confirmed today on when baby number two will be attempted, it's so weird talking about another baby, making our family bigger. because Mike was so unsure he ever wanted anymore, and now he can't wait. I'm making him wait. aha.
today he showed me just how much he cared about us. he opened up to me and said things i never through he would even think. the other day on the phone, he said everythin that had been running through my head. i had even wrote him an email and sent it to him, then went on his account and deleted all traces of it. but yet, he still talked about almost everything i had written, and he never even read it. that's how i know, all this, in the end. will all fall into place.
because in all reality, we only have each other now.

now, on a POSITIVE note, since bitches think I'm too negative.
[Caution; Bitch Mode On.]
i dealt with a nigger and a kid today, telling me i was too negative, and going on and on about shit they don't know about.
[side note; Mike and I's best male friend is black. there is no race issue, but fucking black ignorant people, yeah, NIGGER.]
first of all, I'm really sick of people thinking they know anything about my life.
second of all, negative?! I'm sitting here, my life falling to pieces around me, and yet, still stay positive every damn day.
yeah these two moronic "women" don't mean anything to me at all so i didn't let it bug me. seeing as they have no lives and message me, after i block them, from their husbands accounts.
but just an FYI, i wanna say something.

first, my life sucks.
but it has nothing to do with my husband being gone, or being a solo mom.
it deals with the Paterson luck i was born with. if you're a Paterson [with one t.] you'd get it.
yet, life keeps spinning, either in control, or out of.
and honestly, i'm doing juuust fine with it all.

yes, i wanted my son. yes, Michael and i were trying to get a baby. however, he was conceived before we ever found out about this Deployment. you sitting here telling me you're smarter than me because you knew better than to get pregnant before your husband left, is stupid. we were pregnant on the road trip down to this duty station. telling me to "stay positive" for my son? i'm pretty sure, I'm a damn good mom, all on my own. you, can never say that. you're kids, who don't have kids. telling me your mama cried to herself in the shower every night because she was a single mom who struggled, what does that have to do with me? I'm sorry her baby daddy didn't stick around, or she got knocked up by random men, i don't know the story, and i don't really care. good for your mama.
BTW, I'm NOT a single mother. i will never call myself that, because it's a lie.
I'm a Solo Mommy, until my husband returns.

you say i down my husband and he's a hero, defending his country for his wife to sit and talk shit. uh. kid. ask my husband, he doesn't do crap out there. he fixes trucks inside the wire, works out at the gym and does MCMAP. he will be the first to tell you that I'm the hero here. you tell me i complain about him being gone, when him being gone doesn't bother me at all. but yet you complain and tell me your husbands been shot at. congratulations. 

and last.
you both are fucking idiots.
that don't know a hard day if it bit you in the ass.
you sit and play with your stupid little dogs, that my Shepard could eat for a snack, and shop with your husbands money.
you don't know what it's like to be in my shoes, so shut your damn mouth.
you're immature little bitches who need a reality check. i feel sorry for you. you're wishing me luck on getting through.
it's you that seems to be having issues.

regardless, one day people will learn. until then i am doing some serious cleaning out of people in my life!

but for now I'm going to go lay my son down, take a shower, and write a letter to my dearest best friend in Afghanistan.
See You Soon Lover Butt!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Day 86; Down.

Day 86; Operation Deployment.

nearly every day for the past 86 days, something in my life has fallen to pieces.
about 96% of lifes bad things that can happen, have already happened.
and we're not even halfway through yet.
so, i regret to inform my blog readers that i will be taking a leave of absence. 
because the latest terrible thing is that, my laptop is down and i have no idea, no way, no money, or trasportation to get it fixed.
this upsets me and pissed me off greatly, because there won't be anymore photos or videos i can send to my husband of our son.
i'm not happy, whatsoever.

i am currently at an all time low in my life.
the only thing keeping my head about the water is my son, and the dreams of what MIGHT be when Mike comes home.
i no longer care to meet new people, have fun, make something of myself.
i am going to sit, just sit, until the end of October.
but don't worry, that's perfectly fine with me.
i am tired of waking up every morning, wondering what next could go wrong.
and by the end of the day, i always have something.
and though at times i have thought about and planned to leave my husband, i believe because he is gone, that i have such bad luck, he really is my lucky charm i guess.
i am just going to focus on other writings in my life.
and raise my son and wait on my husband to get on home and rescuse me from this bullshit and depressing life.
most know that i am a positive person, but there is no more positive to come. i can not keep plastering a damn smile on my face and bear everything thats happening.
i am still happy, i am just fucking fed up with life. but yet, i am still thankful to be alive. 
you don't need to worry about me, i'll be back just as soon as i can pick myself up from this slump.
for those people that rarely have a hard day in their lives, go fuck yourself.

anywho, i have facebook on my phone, and maybe i'll attempt a blog post here and there but other than that, that's all that i can do. trust me, I'm as disappointed as you are!
for the next 4 months I'm goingto sit and wait, write my stories, fall in love with my son and husband even more. anticipate Homecoming and getting ready for our Ball. plan Ryders first birthday party in Indiana, oh, and apparently we're going to be trying for number two, not too long from now! start crossing fingers now guys, i really want to meet my Lyvia Jean!

until next time, America.
don't go too crazy without me. :)

Kimberly Susannah Nelson.
and baby Michael Ryder!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Day 84; I Can Do This.

Day 84; Operation Deployment.

tonight, i sent a very difficult email, far overdue.
i have no idea what the outcome will be.
i can not talk about it at this moment in time.
my heart is too broken to mend, but i plaster a smile onto my face.
all i ask of you.
is to give me strength.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Day 82; Ryder's Two Months.

Day 82; Operation Deployment.

Today, my son turned two months old.
it happened all so fast, he is growing into a big boy, and now my little newborn.
though, he is still in newborn clothing, lol!
i took him to the base family pool and he honestly loved the water. he wasn't too sure of it at first because it was cold but as long as he was in mommys arms he did fine.
he stood in the water for a little while then decided he wanted to go night nights, so i got a slight sunburn, in weird positions, because i was holding him.
i videoed him for Daddy, but wished he was here to swim with us himself. 
i'm sure in his heat, he wanted to be there as well!
Happy Two Month Birthday, baby boy!
Mommy Loves You!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Day 80; Tough.

Day 80; Operation Deployment.

this Deployment has taught me to me tough, i am by far, not a pussy by ANY means.
it's given me a thick ass skin, and it makes me laugh at a lot of people.
you will never hear the words "i hate that my husband is Deployed" come out of my mouth.
if Michael wasn't Deployed, i wouldn't have learned so incredibly much, i wouldn't have grown up as fast, i wouldn't be able to handle things nearly as well.
you will never hear me say "oh, i just really need him to call me, or email me." because i don't. i don't need him contacting me multiple times a week to get through. i don't need him wasting his time standing in line waiting for an MWR computer, losing sleep, just to email me every night. i don't need that at all.
i know he is safe and well, and if he wasn't, I'd be the first to know about it.
i don't need him calling to reassure me that he still loves me,because i know that already.
i have learned patience, i have learned heartache. and i can honestly say that his Deployment, other than a few days here and there, is being beaten by me.

it gives me a new look on how weak this entire world is. i'm constantly reading "i hate when my husband has duty" "i hate when my husband works midnights." you guys, have no idea, just how easy you have it, and you take it all for granted. i was told the other day that, had her husband not been there when their son was born, she wouldn't have been able to handle it. though i know she was just saying this because i know she would ave, it's the simple fact, that almost everyone i know, has that luxury. to pass their baby off to get some sleep, to have help in any way, shape, or form. raising a baby on your own, isn't that difficult. it takes his toll of course, and I'm beginning to realize that you're not really a parent until you have to sit, and struggle, and have a difficult day in your life, without any help at all.
my mom did it. my dad walked out on her after my sister was born, when she was pregnant with my brother. he was in the same city when Kevin was born, never came to the hospital. i can't recall how old brudder was when Dad finally met him.
my mom knows, a tough day in her life. ever since she was 9 years old, she's had it difficult. and even still, she doesn't have much. we lean on each other because we know what it's like.
you people that sit, with your husbands, with your family, have no possible idea what it's like in my shoes. you never will, and you will NEVER, be as tough as i am. you're little peons in my book. even the people i have looked up to for a really long time, i no longer do. because they're weak. 
and they will never understand what it's like to fully appreciate things.
keep on taking things for granted, you sad, sad people.
people feel sorry for me because i sit in California with our son, 2,200 miles from my family, traveling impossible, and my husband being overseas.
they'll see my dark circles under my eyes and think "gee, it must be hard for her to be doing this on her own."
and yes, yes it really is.
but don't feel sorry for me. it's you i feel sorry for. 
because y'all got the easy way out.

i watch facebook, i see these perfect marriages, these perfect little families. perfect jobs and great moments in life. i watch everyones life spin it's small little circle.
and i honestly can not envy anyone but myself and Michael and our son.
all the fighting and pushing and shoving, giving and taking, every struggle. i wouldn't give it up for a perfect moment. i am glad we're being put through these obstacles.
because it makes me appreciate life a lot more. it really opens my eyes to everything, everyone else takes for granted. it makes me laugh how everyone complains about a rough night, a bad weekend, this, or that.
and i never, ever, ever complain.
i don't put up a front on facebook either, this is how i really am. i don't sit and cry, rarely ever. i don't just sit around my house all day being mopey, though, i still usually sit around my house regardless. haha. nor do i constantly worry about his safety and stress myself out.
everything is exactly where it needs to be and for one second, I'd never wish my husband didn't Deploy.
it's made us, who we are, right now, this very moment.
and though, i really have nothing at the moment, and no body, i have myself.
i have Michael, i have Ryder.
and that's all i really need.

One night while driving back from Palm Springs, "Tough" by Craig Morgan came on the radio. i told Mike, to listen to the words carefully.
the chorus says "there was a time, back before she was mine, when i thought i was tough."
[go listen to it.]
and now, he fully appreciates that song more than he did back then.

this Deployment has really made me re evaluate my life. my marriage. my place in this world.
instead of giving up, or giving him, i stood strong.
i do not think that days i have been living, the past 80 days, are difficult. i know, that everything could be a lot worse than what they currently are. that one day, i might have to go through, something far, far more difficult than being a solo mom.
i have learned to be patient with my son, instead of getting overwhelmed with life. there's days and nights where i have my doubts, if I'm a good mother, if i'm doing things correctly, if he's going to turn out to be a good man one day. but then he looks up at me and he smiles, he giggles, he clings to me when he's tired, it's all worth it. he lets me know, that i am doing everything perfectly. right now, we are all the other has, my perfect little boy. we're each others heroes, we depend on one another more than i have ever depended on anyone else in my life. 
he has me wrapped around his tiny little finger.
and he has shown me, that i'm a much better person than i ever thought i'd be.

Michael Patrick && Michael Ryder.

to all the people out there that complain, about anything at all. 
i ask you, to take a step back.
and instead of wasting words with "i hate", "this is hard", or "my life sucks."
say, "i am thankful for.", "this could be a lot harder", or "i am just happy to be breathing."
don't complain about the little things. 
because you're wasting your time doing so, instead of looking at the big picture, and how blessed you really are.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Day 78; Happy First Daddy's Day in Afghanistan!

Day 78; Operation Deployment.

Dear Daddy,
I am sad that i havent gotten to meet you yet but Mommy assures me that you love me and miss me and that when you come home you will be a great daddy.
i know that you wish you were here already but i understand that you have to be far away right now.
whenever i hear mommy tall about you, i smile and giggle.
i know it makes her feel all better, and i'm here so she is never lonely.
she tells me that i look like you, and i have your chin and nose.
and your smelly farts too, it's like you never left.
i have your feet and your long eyelashes, but my strawberry blonde hair comes from the both of you.
i like sitting in my new bumbo chair like a big boy, and watching Wizards of Waverly Place.
Mommy won't let me watch Tom and Jerry until you get home because that's something you should show me, and i can't wait to watch it with you!
i sleep on your side of the bed now, next to mommy. and more than likely still will when you get home, at least in the mornings, since we like to snuggle, so you can join us, but it'll be a fight to get to my mommy! i think i love her more than you do! hehe.
we're almost halfway to seeing you, and i can't wait to help make your welcome home sign and decorate.
whenever i sleep, which is a lot! i dream of you, i know who you are, i stare at you on Skype, mommy talks about you all the time, we carry your picture wherever we go, and we look at more every night.
and even though we haven't met yet, i love you more than you can imagine.
i'm your mini me, and i want to grow up to be JUST like you.
so please Daddy, come home soon!

Love, Ryder.

Happy First Daddy's Day Michael Patrick!
Come Home and Meet Your Son!!

Day 77; 11 Weeks Down!

Day 77; Operation Deployment.

today; i have been without my husband for 11 whole weeks.
some days it feels longer, some, it feels like he JUST left. 
however, we are close to the halfway point and i couldn't be more excited.
halfway, is a big, big thing.
it's all downhill from there.
with planning Homecoming, making signs, making last care packages, getting cute outfits, for at the bus, and that night after. [oh la la.]
it's getting the house all cleaned, and in my case, ALL re arranged.
and dreaming about Post Deployment leave.
brings a smile to my face, but breaks my heart at the same time, i really do miss him, so very, very much. 
we can do this baby!

this morning i woke up and met Amber at the Commissary, where we discovered we should NEVER have to buy food for just ourselves. toaster strudels, an ice cream cake, cookies, and fruity pebble rice krispie treats later, our few week food shopping was done. LOL!
then i went to Kirsten's to visit her and baby Amos for a little while. Ryder has a new friend! the first little one he's met. Kirsten and i were pregnant together and Amos was born about a month before Ryder. and Congratulations Mommy and Daddy because HE ROLLED OVER TODAY!
it was nice to visit another new mama and share what we went through, and i hope we can keep each other company more often!
Mike would be proud of me tonight. hell, i was proud of me. i ate a real meal, i kept my cool, i did loads of laundry and folded all Ryders. i even took the baby AND indy for a walk, which was a struggle at first but the three of us made it through. i swear i need to be an octopus to get everything done around here in one day!
i bleached the floor, did the dishes, washed all the bottles, cleaned the counters, and then beasted the bedroom and rearranged EVERYTHING. and let me tell you, that shit wasn't easy. everything is heavy wood and i completely switched it all around. 
i made a July checklist of all the things i needed to buy and/or get done.
i made a Walmart checklist for the next time i go, though i will have to spread out the things i want/need.
i paid the only bill i had this paycheck, because the other two are taken out automatically.
and it's a little after 0100, and i STILL have energy.
i love the way my house is coming together and i'm so excited that it will finally be a home.
there's so much i wanted us to do to it before he left but there wasn't much time, with training, predeployment leave, then the last month, it just didn't happen. we kind of threw everything where it would fit and left the walls white. 
well, that's all changing. :)
it was kind of emotional, with the songs i was listening to, the youtube videos i was watching, and just changing everything in general was difficult. 
but i know that the changes I'm making are great and the moment he walks through that door, a brand new life begins.

so Hurry Home My Love!
We Miss and Love You!
Stay Safe, and No Guppie Guts!

there is NO good angles to take photos in 801. lol!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Day 76; Crazy Girl.

Day 76; Operation Deployment.

this is my happy Husband. :)
and i love him very much.

today i woke up to an Afghanistan phone call. we usually only talk maybe Friday to set up an internet date and then follow through. but lately he can't even get halfway through the week and not die to call me. he's pretty sweet like that.
but then we got to ATTEMPT a skype date tonight. it really bugs me that they have to pay 10 dollars a day to use to piece of shit internet that barely works, but i guess it's better than nothing.
Ryder and i hung out with Aunt Amber and Cousin Brydan for a little bit, and i hope they know how much we LOVE them! and will always be there for them.
and battled out heat box of our house! and took a nap.
Mike and i instant messaged for a little while and he was telling me how he was listening to music during work and Nickelbacks "Never Gonna Be Alone" came on and he immediately thought of me. he said, if i ever feel lonely, to listen to it. because that's almost exactly how he feels. and we all know how he is with words. and i heard "Crazy Girl" by the Eli Young Band today and started smiling and it brought tears to my eyes because i know those words are something Mike would say. 
i can honestly say, things between us are slowly getting better. things seem to be cleared up, we are both, what i assume, are on the same page. he hasn't talked to those skanks in almost a month. [i know i posted about it a few weeks ago, but the messages were last dated almost a month ago.] and he is treating me a lot better. i was also talking to my mother in law today a little about it, because she texted me telling me not to worry about those people, that they are just jealous and don't know what it's like having something that we have. and that they all need to move on with their lives and leave us alone. she understood my reasoning and saw what i saw about all his friends, and made me feel better about going to Indiana. she gave me hope that Mike HAS changed, and he's going to care more about showing off his son than drinking and doing things wrong. it just blew my mind. you know her and i aren't the best of friends, but it really meant a lot to me that she'd say something like that. even with her, i believe things are starting to slowly get better.
once again, i have Hope.

His mom is in Michigan camping in the UP. he didn't know that until i told him and he said, it made him kind of sad. the last time he was there was the time we started talking, and when he got back from the drive, he hopped on his bike and came to meet me. and we have been inseparable ever since. it brought back a ton of memories for the both of us. the first weeks were the best, where we fell in love and nothing else mattered. i hope one day, we can get back to that place.
i love you, Michael Patrick.

Day 75; Still?!

Day 75; Operation Deployment.

i am very, very, VERY convinced that between my husband and the shitty people in his OLD life, i will have a permanent palm imprinted into my face by the time he comes home.
my husband, deleted his facebook last weekend. with the last little spat he realized, there's a lot he's been doing wrong, and that was one way that he could attempt to fix things here, while he is there.
he himself, deactivated it.
i said that in the last post.
not only did TWO people ask what i, ME, did to it, a third asked tonight.
i've held my tongue, i've kept my cool.
but you think I'm a bitch, i'll give you a fucking bitch!
where do you think you have the right to even SPEAK to my husband after what you did to him, ditching him, blowing him off, even LYING to him about coming out here?! you make up the excuse that it was ME that said they couldn't come, when i was the ONLY one pushing for it. i just re read my message you fat fuck. so why should my husband, whom i do EVERYTHING for, and always have, should share time talking to all of you, and talking to hi family. he has ONE day a week online, which he uses to now Skype his wife and son, and watch him grow the only way he can.
i am getting so fucking sick and tired of this shit, you're adding fuel to me fuckers, i've given you chance after chance, you're just making me tell Mike there is NO way any of you are in our new life. who do you think he's going to choose?
his old fucking life DIED on May 29th, the day not one of you were important enough to him to invite because he was convinced that you would ruined MY special day.
i have deleted ALL of you from my Facebook page and you're STILL going at it in some way or another. YOU are the problem, not me. i'm sitting here in OUR home, paying OUR bills, holding down OUR fort, what the fuck are you guys doing? talking to him about pointless shit, not giving a damn about the single most important person in his life?! what are YOU doing for him? what HAVE you done for him since I've been around, not a god damn thing.
oh, for fucks sake!

these people really ought to get a clue. i've tried to be nice, but that's over now. when even their own "friend" deletes his whole thing to alleviate issues with him and his wife, i'm still the blunt of it all. i know what my husband says, and i don't have much to worry about with THEM anymore when he comes back. it's just sad that they're "so close" with Mike, but dont know him wortha damn. if they did they'd know Mike isn't anyones bitch. doesn't matter who i am, if he didn't see any logic in it, or saw that it was wrong, he wouldn't do it. if he really cared about something THAT much, i wouldn't even push an issue. these people seem to think he's the same old kid he was back in the Summer of 09. they see him as a guy that isn't married, someone that doesn't have a kid who he hasn't even met yet, but he's Mikes entire world. his head is finally on straight, he's getting everything ready to come home to a family, and finally know the true meaning of Family. he isn't that immature little boy that fucks hoes and drinks booze anymore. we don't plan on coming back to Indiana for a loong time, and when we do, most of you people will more than likely be gone.
it's bad enough that i want to change my damned phone number to get rid of these people, i have to block certain albums on facebook so my pictures aren't stolen. now i just want NOTHING to do with any of them. not one. no ones getting it. i should have just left it all alone and stuck to the plan from the get go. but no, i had to give him and be nice and I'm STILL the fucking bitch.

Mike and i will never have the perfect marriage. i will never understand why he does half the things he does and he will more than likely not see what he does wrong, as wrong. but he trusts me, with EVERYTHING. when i was digging out my living will to fill out, i ran across Mikes. it brought tears to my eyes. Michael and i have only known one another for less than two years of our lives. we started dating and three months later he went to boot camp. he had ten days home, then was off again. the next time we saw each other, almost two months later, everyone got to him, he was dealing with enough, and he broke up with me. i went out to chase him and spent another weekend with him. the time after that, we were married. if you add up all those days, we have only known each other, face to face, less than 100 days before he put that ring on my finger. Mike wasn't desperate for a girl, he could have plenty of them. he never even wanted to get married, or start a family. but i changed all that. 2 months after we were married, i was pregnant with our son. 
SO, in less than two years time we met, conquered Boot Camp, broke up, got married, conceived a baby, moved across the Country, had lots of fights, had even more little moments, kissed goodbye before a Deployment, i gave birth to our little boy. almost got divorced, but he proved me wrong, and we stayed together. in less than two years, he wrote out a living will, giving me everything he owned, giving me the power to run his life, and either end it, or keep him alive, given the choice. he trusts me, with his life. with all of that. he trusted me before Boot to not cheat on him, and be there for him. my letters kept him going. now, he trusts me to raise his child, run his house, handle all money and important matters, to send him care packages and letters, and be here when he gets back.
and Mikes my bitch right?

if these people, really called themselves his friends and family, they would know him a lot better than they do. they would understand that right now, while he is at war, isn't the time to sit and shot the shit about cars when time is limited. now isn't the time for him to spend his late nights calling everyone, to talk about nothing. he spend time calling his wife, to check on her, because she has no one out here. she is 2,200 miles away from her family. she's taking care of a newborn on her own, and he wants to know the latest cute thing he's doing. he calls to check in and let his wife now that he is safe and alive, knowing she will pass on the message to everyone else. he isn't going to lose sleep calling to talk to others about their jobs, their dogs, the latest hoe they screwed, the latest party. or hear people say something he doesn't want to hear, whatever lies they come up with. finally, finally, my husband is getting everything right. 
now, if people had enough decency to respect that for once in their lives.
that they, are nothing anymore.
Ryder and I, we will always be, Everything.

i wonder how they feel about being replaced by a nine pound tiny human that giggles at the white ceiling, grunts when he's pooping, can't feed himself, and farts in his sleep.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Day 73; Adventures in the Desert.

Day 73; Operation Deployment.

first, i'd like to start this with simply saying that it wasn't me who deleted my husbands facebook. sure, i had thought about it, yeah, i knew his password. but i didn't. why should i? what would it mean if i did it for him? nothing at all to me! it meant a lot to me that he did delete it, and he did it for multiple reasons. the fact that I'm still accused of running his life goes to show what little people know. and how they have no idea who Mike has become. everyone must think he's too stupid to make his own choices and that i make every one of them for him. that isn't the case, he's a grown ass man. and for once in his life, he's doing things the way they need to be done. ask him yourself, if he decides to waste his time. time is limited. and it's either call your buddies and bullshit about cars, alcohol, and hoes. or call your wife and talk about the latest thing your son did. hmmm. not so tough a choice here folks! stop assuming shit. you make an ass outta yourself.

anyway, today actually turned out pretty damn awesome.
i had been battling a Migraine for about 24 hours, so wee man and i just stayed in bed and snuggled all day even though it was hot. i love days like these. he's been getting really clingy lately and right now, i don't mind at all. if we're laying facing each other, he scooches toward me and puts his hand on my chest. or grabs onto my shirt so that i won't leave him. it's pretty darn cute. once when we woke up, he was wide awake, just talking to Bink, who he held in his hands. he was all into the conversation, silly baby. and he has been smiling a whole lot more, just at everything. he brings tears to my eyes, how happy he is to be alive! and i know he will be much, much happier, when our family is complete! [4 more babies!]

Amber, Brydan, Ryder, and I all went to see Pirates 4 and Prom at the drive in. where we just sat and talked and had girl time while the boys slept. for awhile Ry was wide awake and all into the movie. how alert and focused he was, amazed me! i always love spending time with Amber, who is practically my sister. it never feels awkward, we're always open and honest, and we always tend to have the same opinion on everything. there's never a dull moment between us. and our impulsive Walmart runs at midnight. When we get to the parking lot, we see these flashing lights in the road, and about half a dozen cop cars. we got curious and watched it pass, and it looked like a GIANT box, being pulled by a semi, and pushed by two dump trucks, with police escorts in front and behind. what the hell?! we talked about it for a few minutes and did our shopping. on the way back to 29, we still see it ahead of us, whatever this, THING, which we decided was either aliens, or dragons. we got behind it and there was a dozen cars going about 15 miles an hour down the highway. granted, it was 0200. but everything was so, weird! there was a cop car that kept doing U turns, and even flashed his lights at a truck that passed the opposite way, so the truck pulled over, the cop turned his lights off, and kept going. what the hell?! why was he watching the traffic behind this, box like dealio? at a few points during the hour drive home, this ginormous thing took up three lanes of the road. it was seriously, so confusing. what needed THIS much servalliance?  we were surprised there was no helicopters above the damn thing! when we got to the end of the highway before the big hill on 62, all the trucks and cops stopped and got out of their vehicles. i seriously thought we were in some horror movie. but we were waved to go around. it looked like, maybe a huge oil rigger? but where were they going? this thing took up two lanes, it wouldn't possibly get onto base. it didn't even go through the truck route. and how the FUCK did this thing get up the grade? on the side of the trucks it said they were from LA... THAT would have been interesting. it was the most confusing night of my life, we still have no idea what the hell happened. 
when i walked in the door i swear i would have called Mike to tell him about the craziness of the desert after midnight. it sucks that i can't just pick up the phone and call him anymore. i know that it would have given him a good laugh.
just one more day down without you babe.
Hurry Home. :)

Miss and Love you, Forever Forever.
Mister Guppie.

Saturday, June 11, 2011


Day 71; Operation Deployment.

ahhh! Skype FINALLY worked. though we were both exhausted, he got up super early and we video chatted for, no joke, about 3 hours. then we Skype IMed for a little while before he had to head into work. it was, so perfect. we covered all the bases, we talked about what's been going on between us, and Mike and Ryder played with each other for a little while. we decided that while he was there, sharing a Facebook was the best way to go about things. since clearly, I'm not on the good side of trusting him. he was perfectly fine with it, and even got on and uploaded some photos he had someone take of him for me. it made me smile SO big. i love seeing him out there! every little thing helps.

i love joking around about homecoming with Mike. he's just such a tard. he was telling me that he's gonna be taking his clothes off on the way home. while driving. and then running into the house, while carrying Ryder, in his underwear. he's just such a nerd, i swear.
[7:35:11 PM] kimberly susannah nelson: pft yeah right
[7:35:20 PM] kimberly susannah nelson: youre gonna need a new uniform. =]
[7:35:32 PM] Mike Nelson: haha
[7:35:42 PM] Mike Nelson: ill be taking that off on the way home
[7:36:48 PM] Mike Nelson: pull our luck again while driving eh eh
[for those of you that don't know how Ryder was conceived, read the just above statement.]

looking at my husband, the man that i married, and who's child i raise everyday. my heart broke some more. i told him, i had no idea where things would go with us. but the fact that for once i actually SEE him changing, is a whole new world for me. no more empty promises. talking about our son and thinking of the way things will be when he's home, i do have a little bit of hope. and the way this past week or so has been, he's helped a lot more than hurt, which he usually does. i know it's going to take a lot more. that i can't flip a switch and things are perfect again. but i was damn right. i knew i'd see him, and fall back in love again. that most feelings will go down the drain. it felt really nice to sit and have a conversation with my husband, even if he was halfway around the world.
tonight; he's here with me. <3

[8:23:02 PM] Mike Nelson: oh wow lol
[8:23:17 PM] Mike Nelson: and yes i would love it if you were the one putting it on me lol
[8:23:20 PM] Mike Nelson: ackward
[8:23:42 PM] kimberly susannah nelson: ahaha thats who we are. ive been putting your cream on you since like, month two of us dating. i miss it
[8:37:46 PM] Mike Nelson: are we better nowssss??... ppappa plzz i just want you to be happy i love you so much it hurts thinking about it
[8:40:46 PM] Mike Nelson: no need for you to be gone, im sorry for any hurt i put towards you i just wish i was there to fix it.
[8:41:07 PM] Mike Nelson: i just want to be there now, holding you now, and whispering in your ear how much i love you
[8:41:57 PM] kimberly susannah nelson: i know you do babe. i know you are only gone because you have to be. i just wish you understood what hurts me, you never realie what youve done is wrong
[8:44:26 PM] Mike Nelson: i do realize it all now, all ive been thinking about is that and any way to fix it but really i cant fix it except show you when im home im all yours, no one elses and you are my baby girl and my world, and wanna have ten kids with you

[9:02:25 PM] kimberly susannah nelson: lol, like i said, just letters. :) and you running from the car carrying our kid, in your underwear. lmao
[9:02:44 PM] Mike Nelson: lmao
[9:02:54 PM] Mike Nelson: i can actually picture that
[9:03:48 PM] kimberly susannah nelson: youre such a dork. i dont wanna picture it. :P ahaha
[9:04:38 PM] Mike Nelson: haha ya i see us forgeting our keys or something
[9:05:19 PM] kimberly susannah nelson: shit id do you on our front walk. ahahaha
[9:05:32 PM] Mike Nelson: dont tempt me to pull something crazy
i LOVE my husband, btw.
just sayin'

Day 70; Dear Ryder

My Dearest Baby Boy.
it's been a long time since i wrote you a letter, but Mommy has. and one day i hope you find these silly old blogs and read them.
inside each and every one of them, i hope that you find strength. know that Mommy has never loved anyone quite as much as i love you.
i love everything about you. your monkey fingers and your long toes.
the way you snuggle into my armpit when we're sleeping.
and how you giggle in your dreams.
i never would have gotten this far without you. you give me a strength i never believed i could ever find and you filled a place in my heart that i never knew was empty.
everyday i fall more and more in love with you. and every day you remind me more and more of your Daddy.
one day i hope you grow up to be like him, despite his stupid little ways. because one day a girl will come along and you're going to love her, through thick and thin, just like Daddy does. and never let her go.
but no one can ever love you more than Mommy! :)
i watch you sleep every night and it always seems to bring tears to my eyes. i am so blessed to have such an amazing little boy in my life. i love you every moment, of everyday. happy or sad. giggly or mad. you have stolen my entire heart and you hold me in the palm of your tiny hand.
as much as i never want you to grow up, i can't wait. i know you're going to be the best son i could have ever asked for. Mommys lover and Daddys little athlete.
i want you to know. that you, have saved my life. you give me reason to breathe, you melt my heart, and you remind me every morning, that i can get through yet another day. whether alone, or when Daddy's home, you're everything.
and when you grow up and look back, know, that you are the single reason as to why two people have held their lives together. two people that are so in love with your tiny being, that we couldn't ever be apart from one another. you hold Mommy and Daddy together. because not one of us can live a single day without you. everything about us want to work it out and give you the best possible life. you're living without Daddy for too long anyway. and i never want to have to put either of you through it ever, ever again. you are the reason i wanted to walk away, but even more so the reason i wanted to stay. you're such an amazing baby boy, you do things like that. you will never know how much you mean to me. and how very, very much i needed you. you came at a perfect time.
i love you, i love you, i love you.
i'll love you forever.
i'll like you for always.
as long as i'm living.
my baby you'll be.

Mommy. <3

Day 70; Ten Weeks, One Third.

Day 70; Operation Deployment.

ten weeks down means about one third of this is OVER!
and by god, it's been rough. so I'm hoping the rest of all this goes smoothly!
come on baby.

I went to the OBGYN today to get on the Mirena.
though Michael already says he wants another one and doesn't mind risking it when he gets home, i've chosen to put a stop to that really fast. lol!
IF things between us get better and fixed then i would like to try again when he's been home for 7 months. that gives him time to make up with Ryder, Ryder will be 14 months, plus nine months to brew baby number two. we'd be good to go. :)
i swear, every time i go to the Naval Hospital to get my vagina checked, i have the most random hilarious conversations.
at my six week check up, Commander Ressetter and i sat there and counted how many people had actually seen my private areas during labor and delivery. 7. 7 different people. and then when she informed me that my uterus was tilted backwards, we sat there and discussed what sexual positions hurt and don't hurt with it tilted. we ended with "no more doggie style for daddy!" bahaha!
 Eppey tops it all. right before my C Section he told me he was going to sew me up 90210 style. what the HELL does that mean? haha. afterwards, he asked me what i did during pregnancy because i had some of the strongest ab muscles he had seen. and was trying to convince me to make a preggo workout video. if i did that, i'd be showing people how to sit on their butts and eat. lmao! then today, while he was putting in my Mirena he tells me, "your insides are so, like.. compact." i look down and start laughing. that you for telling me i had a small vagina, i suppose that's a compliment. he ended up pinching my uterus and made me bleed. so he went back in to check things out and said my insides looked good, so he didn't mind. who IS this guy? and i wonder if he's married, or how he picks up girls. what's his pick up line? "i'd like to check if your insides are compact." seriously, it brightened my mood in a very weird way!

then i went to visit Amanda and Finn. :)
it was so nice talking to her, i love how we think and act the same on some things!

and Michaels birthday Care Package is en route to Afghanistan.

i came home and started on my house for the weekend. for once, i've actually spent all day downstairs. its beginning to feel as much like home as it can without Mike. i honestly can't wait until he gets back. even though we're not on the best of terms, it's going to be nice to have his help and watch him play with our son. btw, he called me today. :)  i still get that super excited feeling when i hear his ringtone. though i didnt expect him to call so for a few seconds i was worried. but he was just calling to see how i was doing because he knew i was feeling bad this week about everything. made me smile. and im glad he thought of me. we talked for a little while and it made me sad that now that he's deleted his facebook, he wont be able to see many pictures of Ryder, so when he gets online tomorrow i'm going to give him my login info and we can share a facebook for right now. i really do miss him.

i have decided that all this, i hope, as long as from here until he gets home, if he doesn't mess up again, that things might work out between us. he has a lot of things to make up for. and my heart is still broken. but who says i can't still love him with every piece of my broken heart? it's just.. loving him in little tiny pieces. that works right?

now, as my little boy lays asleep in my arms, i have to at least be thankful. for him, for Mike, who will always be around, no matter what. and my friends. i am beginning to love my home, and the thing that will fix it all, is of course, having our King walk in the door. <3

oh, and to the people that like to stalk my blog and give us the reason it's "to check on the baby"
screw yourselves. honestly.
you shall never meet my child. i'll make sure of it.
and if you haven't noticed, i rarely post about my darling son.
so you can go be a creep elsewhere!
you're out of all our lives. :)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Day 68; Wake Up Call.

Day 68; Operation Deployment.

i woke up this morning, after maybe a few hours of sleep, to "bust a move" playing on my cell phone.
it was my husband.
i didn't know what to say to him when i picked up.
he was concerned, asking me if i was okay, what was wrong. because he got my motomails telling him i wasnt doing so well, to call when he could. but he was outside the wire on Monday so he couldn't call.
honestly, i had a whole list of things i wanted to say, but i told him, it didn't matter anymore. i didn't want to make him upset, that i wanted to have a nice conversation without argument. seeing as he got mad at me the last time we talked.
he told me no, he was worried about me, to let it out. he didn't want me to keep it all inside. so i gave it a whirl.

i told him i wanted to walk away, that every fiber of my being was screaming at me to leave. but i couldn't do that to him and Ryder. i promised him that i would be here when he got back. but that i honestly didn't know where that would go. i told him i felt we were strangers now, and that i couldn't trust him. that i was constantly wondering and worrying and have been literally sick. that i had no idea what to do. i was hurt, and that's all i knew.
he, surprised me.
he told me, that i could trust him. that all that crap was in the past. that i shouldn't walk away and that was his biggest fear. he worries too. if i'm alright, how I'm handling things, if I'm still in 29, or if i fled back to Indiana. when he got the moto mails he was so scared, he couldn't wait to see what was wrong and comfort me. Ryder and i are the only things he cares about. and if he doesn't have us to come home to, it's not worth coming back at all. he told me he was changing stuff just for me so that we could live happily and people wouldn't hurt me anymore. though he knows that he's the one hurting me now. that he didn't want to butt heads anymore and for both of us to be on the same page. he told me, "because we both know we want all this to be good and im willing to do anything to make it that way, i dont want to hurt you i changed my ways so much i cant believe it and still changing them. building a soild career and life to start our loving family and just needs to be tweaked a bit" he said i was safe with him, and had nothing to worry about anymore. that he understands what he did hurt me, and he was sorry. that all he did was love me, that was all.
"well its gone and never happening again, may as well concrete that statement because its not, and this recent thing had nothing behind it. no i did not tell them because i dont hate them but i did stop talking to them and dont plan to start. The only thing im starting anymore is our new lives when i get. I love you kimberly sue nelson and that is the only person i am in love with. no need to feel insecure about anything it will all be good by the time i get back, i just wish i could be there for you now" he told me that all he wanted was to come home to the two of us in one piece and a changed man. and to stop worrying and keep my chin up, up, up.
and with all of that, he deleted his facebook to alleviate anything else between us.

my heart and head are now even more jumbled up. how can i just trust him again? i have to keep my guard up. i've been waiting months to hear this from him. there was always something else that totally blew my mind, but that will stay between the two of us. but if Michael reads this, babe, 5, not 10! i know that, i want nothing more than to be with him. but i can't just let everything go, yet again. when that happens, he continues to mess up, my heart gets broken, and i can't do it. it isn't fair to me. why now? is he only saying these things because he's afraid i'll leave? or does he actually, finally, mean it? 

::sighs:: god damn you Michael Patrick.
regardless. thank you, for saying all of these things.
i know you're too dumb to pull that shit outta your ass.
so i know your heart was in it. :)

Ryder Update!
so, my wittle baby smiles now!
and he is very much occupied by his hands. he just kind of, grabs one another and waves them in front of his face.
and he tares at the ceiling and is perfectly entertained!
yeah, he's Mikes kid. Little Tweak.
he's usually always a happy boy, and if you tell him, "daddy wuvs you, yes he does!" he starts cheesin.
no love for the mamas!
his pacifier is no longer a pacifier, its name is Bink. he is very rarely without it, so it grew its own name, and his face still hasn't outgrown it. lmao.
hes beginning to coo and giggle, especially in his sleep. he gets that from me.
since Daddy talks about formations and mechanic things in his sleep, lol!
almost 2 months down and i have yet to be pee pee'd on, he's very polite.
he loves snuggling to sleepies at night and when hes fighting it and needs comfort, he pats my face or arm or hand, just runs his fingers along them. it soothes him.
we wake up often and his face is rooted into my armpit.
he's growing up fast and changing so much. but he remind me of his Daddy more and more everyday!
Mommy and Daddy love you bubbyyy!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Day 67; decisions

Deployment 68;Operation Deployment.
alright i suppose i will give a little update on my so very fucked up life at the moment.
i am not sure if i want to walk away from my marriage or not.
don't worry, all of you aren't the first to be finding out. i've told Mike this the last few months and he doesn't believe me. so i suppose, it doesn't much matter.
i almost left right before he left for things that happened during pre deployment leave. but i chose to stay and give him one more chance while he Deployed. 
i love my husband, very, very much. i will always love him. that will never change. the fact that he's "the one" for me, will never change. i don't want to walk away because i want someone else. i don't want to walk away to go out, start somewhere new, and fall in love. that will never happen for me. no one can ever take my husbands, or Ryders Daddy's place. i won't even think about it. but when you've had enough, sometimes you just need to stop fighting.
we have been having issues for as long as i can remember. if you've followed my blogs before, you will know. i don't much want to get into everything, and i want to make sure Mikes name stays clean. really, he isn't a bad guy. we've had some amazing times together. but he will admit, he wasn't ready for all of this. why he married me in the first place then, i have no idea. 
i hate how he tells me "no i wasn't ready, but i'm going to take responsibility." like I'm a chore. like his son is a chore. it really bothers me. he asked me to marry him, he flew here, he put the ring on my finger. and we were actually trying for a baby. if you weren't ready, there's plenty to ways to prevent everything. it doesn't matter about the time we were together. maybe we rushed but that makes no difference. maybe one day, he will be ready to finally take on a marriage and a family. but that day might be a day too late.

i believe i am no, Depressed. that god awful word i never wanted to come from my mouth again. it's not the bad depression i entered a few years ago. i don't starve myself, i don't think of ever harming myself or Ryder, i don't do stupid things. i cry, a lot. i don't sleep very often, or very well. and i'm stressed out. sitting here, while Mikes Deployed, with our newborn in my lap, i just sit, and think. it's too much time within these whitewalls, trapped in everything that's ever happened between us. the bad things always come up. its not really my fault. blame my retarded brain. and it bothers me that i never put my foot down. maybe if i had then things would be different. but that wasn't always my responsibility.
as much as i want to, i can't possibly blame Mike for EVERYTHING that's happened between us. some of it was out of his control. had he stepped in and said something, half the time it wouldnt have mattered. but a lot of it is. 

when it comes to Mike, i have set aside everything to move here and be with him. i gave up my dream job, i left the only house i had ever lived in. i sacrificed relationships with my mom, my sister, and my niece and nephew. i put my life on hold, and i have very little goals left but to just survive the day. i wrote him everyday at boot camp with very little reply and him coming back with 17 unopened envelopes. i've spent quite a bit of paychecks to fly and see him. i chased him when he ripped me to shreds. and now this Deployment, i am constantly working on and sending Care Packages, writing letters, sending emails that are never read, sending Motomail that's ignored. keeping up with the bills and the baby, keeping the house in order. and everything he left me to do, all the things i asked him to take care of before he left. i hear from him very little and that doesn't help much at all. i gave it all up. and it's still not enough.

Mike was my entire world before Ryder was born. now, my world revolves around my tiny baby. maybe he was born to give me the strength to get on my own two feet and realize so much. i feel very down about myself, i can't really talk to Mike about anything. i feel we've become strangers. when we talk it feels like I' talking to an old friend since grade school, rather than my husband. him saying he loves and misses me have lost all meaning. maybe this is just a phase of mine. maybe it's horomone changes, i have no clue. but i do know i deserve better. try telling my heart that.

everything in my body screams at me to walk away. pack everything up and leave for a little while. but i find myself sitting in the middle of my newly arranged living room floor and know i can not do that. i've always been the one to end up doing the right thing, even if it hurts me, even if it scares me. i have no current plan as of yet. I will be in Twentynine Palms until Michael gets home from Afghanistan. I'm going to try my best to make the house feel more like a home for the time i am living here by myself, as well as for Mike when he gets back. I can't take Ryder away from him. that isn't fair to either one of them. as much as i want to run away to an unknown destination, changed my phone number, and never look back. i know that would hurt Mike. and despite my hurting, for some reason, I'm still worrying about his feelings.

Mike has always been the love of my life. i have viewed him as my best friend. for awhile, he was all that i had. but now that isn't true. i have a lot of people and most importantly, i have my son. Mike and i will always be friends and be in each others lives. but right now, we have nothing more. clearly, we will both stay faithful. there's just a lot that needs to be discussed. while he's there and when he gets back. 
i hate the fact that i KNOW once he walks off that bus i will fall back in love and want to forget everything he ever did to me happened. and i'm going to try my best to hold myself to that. regardless, we are now a team. i know now, that our marriage only has a small chance of working. but our family, i will always make sure works. even if that means more sacrifices on my end. but i will be damned if he doesn't start too.

in November, i have no idea what is going to happen.
i suppose i can not worry about those days.
when i am struggling to get through these ones.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Day 66; Just Once

Day 66; Operation Deployment.

just once, i want things to be okay. 
because the things i thought were okay, we're just a lie.
and when i found out, it was such a slap in the face.
and now, I'm at a loss. I'm at a fork in the road.
and i have no idea where to go from here.

the choice i made Mike make, ended up being false.
but I'm glad i made him choose because there's more going on between the two of them than i had thought.
words that should only be mine, he had been saying to her. only 9 days after our son was born. the time where i needed him the most, he called her beautiful and told her he loved and missed her. those words, they're what he says to me. those are the only things he says to me... and now, they are no longer mine. when i made him choose, he wrote them a message. i was impressed with the message. he did a good job, he said what needed to be said. it touched my heart. but in the next breath he screws it all up. like he always does.
when he called me this morning, i began shaking. i hadn't slept at all the night before. and i called him out. and the fact that he got mad at ME over bringing it all up, just blows my mind.
i can't be kept in a little small box out there in the desert. i should be able to go to him, no matter where he is, and talk to him. not walk on eggshells around him. i was done being scared of talking to him. i sat there and told him how i felt. i cried, i told him, my heart was broken. that this wasn't fair and i didn't know what to do.
he didn't console me. 
he made up more excuses, he made up ore lies, and he turned it all around.
and i think that's when, i decided to just give up.
i wish i could share the whole story but for some reason, i'm trying to keep his name clean, and not say what i really feel. in fear of hurting HIS feelings.
i have no feelings any longer.
and i need to sit down and plan my next course of action. because i am no longer fighting for my marriage. like i have been for the past year. ever since we got married it's gotten worse than when we were dating. you'd think having a baby would change whatever screw is loose in your head, but it didn't.
this has been going on for far too long, my heart has been broken enough.
i will never, never, ever, be good enough.

William Clyde Burk.
he slapped me around like a ragdoll. he emotionally, mentally, physically beat me. for a year and a half. he would have physically cheated on me had i not thrown him in jail the night before his little cheat date would have happened. he emotionally cheated, which was more difficult to handle than him fucking some bitch. every word that came out of his mouth was a lie. i'd catch him up in it and he'd get angry and start a fight. he'd get defensive. he kept absolutely everything from me. and when i had intuition to check things, i always found things i shouldn't have. i lost all my trust in people because of him.
however, all the pain i went through, i no longer regret it.
because Billy made me smart.
When i met Mike, i almost didn't give him a chance. he had grown up with Billy. though i know no one could ever be as bad as he was, i still had my doubts. i told him the story of what i went through and he swore to me he'd never be that way. that i could trust him and he'd never let me down.
that was almost two years ago. 
and i'd have to borrow about four people to count the times he's done this to me on hands.
i lived this life before you know?
except this time he actually made a committment, that doesn't seem to mean much. 
except i gave it all up and moved away from everything and everyone.
and this time, i decided to keep the baby.

i've given everything. i gave it my all. i made mike my world, and he didn't make us his. we are, just part of his world. i came here, to California, wanting a brand new life. with just my new husband, our family. that was all that mattered to me and it sucks he doesn't want the same. i told him, that he wasn't ready for this life. and he told me. no, he wasn't. but it was here and he's making the best of it. our marriage, our baby, was all his choice. if he wasn't ready, why'd he do it? why'd he put me through so much? and why am i sticking around for so long?

no matter what i end up doing. it's going to take awhile to think. i know there's no one else for me. i know that Mike's the one. and if things fail with the one, there won't be another one. i know i wont walk away, even though everything inside my body is screaming at me to start packing and start my own life. my mom stayed with my dad, through everything, for all the same reasons i can't walk away. and it sucks. it breaks my heart. i am completely stuck. i can't sit here every night and convince myself it will be okay anymore, because it wont. when we were dating and shit went down, i told myself. 
we're just dating, things are uncertain and we might not even last. it'll get better when we're married.
when we got married, it just got worse and worse. and i told myself.
when the baby gets here, he will change. he will grow up and make our child his life. he won't hurt me anymore, he will finally begin to understand and we will be a happy family.
Ryder was born and shit is still going on. what next?
the only thing i can tell myself. is that when we both die, thats when things will get better, and that's sad.

you all read my blog posts. as much as i try to, i can't pretend in my blogs. they're what make me, me. and i have been, so incredibly happy with life lately. i had no doubts on us, on our family. the things he was saying to me, and doing, they were really something else. he was really stepping up.
but all this time, everything was just a lie. he was behind my back, doing and saying things he shouldnt. AGAIN. 
while I'm sitting here making care package after care package, spending hours on them, for him. making sure i get his favorite snacks and things to make him feel good. i write him letters, i send him a motomail once a week, i email him and he never checks it. an HOUR before i found all of this one his facebook,  i was thinking of and making cute things to decorate the house with for his homecoming. i was plotting the homecoming sign, trying to decide what onesie design i want for Ryder for when he meets his Daddy.
and then, i read what i read and my heart stopped. my breath caught. my stomach turned and i gave up.
if this as the first time, even the second, i'd be letting it go. i would have brought it up to him and just stopped thinking about it. maybe i would have even believed the bull he fed me. but it isn't the first or the second time. i can't even count what time this is now. and i learned, if i stay, if nothing happens, it'll happen again.
i don't deserve to be just another person in his life. nor does my son.

i have the most difficult handful of decisions to begin making. i only have 4 months or so to make them. i have no idea what i should do, what i can do. but i'm done fighting for it. you can't fight for what isn't even there. i've done enough, i always do. but no matter what choice i make, what happens, where Ryder and i am, it'll be for the best. everything turns out exactly how it needs to be. maybe i had Ryder, not to bring us closer together, but to make myself more independent and give me the strength to walk away. to be somebody. 

the only thing i know, here and now. is that on July 27th, 2010, i gave up, my entire world. i moved someplace i didn't know anyone or anything but my husband. it was the most difficult thing i have ever done.
but that doesn't mean i can't do it again now.