Day 64; Operation Deployment.
here we are, another friday night. another week down.
it's been nine weeks since i last kissed my husband, and six weeks since our son was born.
i look back and smile at everything that has changed, how Michael and i have grown, and how more and more in love with my two beautiful boys as the days pass by. :)
Tonight i spent time with two beautiful women, Michele and Olivia.
and they both made me realize how thankful i am for this life.
this Deployment has been, and still is, the biggest emotional slap in the face i have ever dealt with.
the heartache of raising Michael and I's son without him, is the worst part of all of it.
i don't wish he was here to wake up with Ryder in the middle of the night, or to change diapers, or to give me a break from all the crying.
i wish he was here for the smiles he gives when he wakes up. his giggles in his sleep. his bath times and bed time stories. never in a million years have i ever imagined doing this without my other half. or with my other half in basically, a whole other world. i know it's just as difficult on him and i try to make it easier with him all the way over there, but i know it tears his heart in two with every passing day he isn't with the two of us.
however many days he's gone, is more days that i am just glad to have someone amazing to miss.
talking with the two of them made me realize, no ones perfect. guys screw up, and we love them anyway. we can sit there and talk about a hard time we had in our marriages, and with the same breath, laugh about something the did. and that takes, true love.
Michael and I will forever be fire and gasoline. i have come to accept that. but is that so bad? look what our explosion created. the beautiful little boy that is the perfect mixture of the both of us. <3
it has taken us, so long, to get where we are right now. we depend on and lean on the other more than i ever imagined we would, or could. we are a team. we've fought our battles, and almost everyone that reads my blogs knows this. but now, every little piece is in its place, except for one, the King of the Castle, who currently resides in Afghanistan. but he will be home sooner than we know it, and our lives will be complete again.
if there's one thing i have learned thus far in, it's that;
Life Keeps Moving.
i don't mean to sound rude, but please don't come to me about how much you miss your husband or boyfriend. how rough you're handling it, how miserable you are. because all of this is only as difficult as you make it. we're allowed to be sad, that's life. but i can't help you sort your feelings out, I'm not a Debbie Downer and i always see the good side of things. that's what's making this Deployment only half as bad.
I don't stay up at night and cry myself to sleep. i don't wake up every morning and dread getting out of bed. I don't need to hear from Mike to have a good day. and if he doesn't call/email/get online, i know that he is safe, just tired.
Michael is my life. i gave up everything to come out to California to be with him.in anger i might say that i wish i hadn't. but that's false. because i have no regrets. I miss my family. i miss my best friend, my mom, and having her help and support. I miss watching my niece and nephew grow up, who long ago stopped asking how their "Bug" was. i miss my amazing job, my amazing Squad, and what could have been in my dream job. but being here, sitting in this bedroom, in OUR house, with our son curled in my lap, even with him so far away, is exactly where my life needed me to be. a lot of days are difficult, but i keep my chin up and just get through the day, no matter what it takes. you begin to make a life for yourself. when you come out to a brand new place, you can be anyone that you want to be.
but at the end of the day, who do you honestly have to depend on?
only; you.
though Michael is everything to me, and yes, he IS my life. i know that if some god forsaken reason he ever chose to walk away and never look back, that the world would continue turning. if someone or something becomes everything you have, what happens when that said one or thing leaves? even if it's just a Deployment? your world falls apart.
I am not, by any means, very strong at all. i honestly have begun to take that as an insult. the more i hear it the more it seems people tell me this because i HAVE to be strong. but i know that i don't.
Mike knows about my breakdowns. maybe not what exactly happened, but he knows i break. he knows i get exhausted. he knows i have bad days. me being, or even pretending like nothing ever goes wrong, isn't what keeps him going.
what gives him strength in Afghanistan is knowing, whether we talk once a week, or once a month, that i am still here for him at the other end. him knowing that i will never stray, that there will be no one else for me but him. that our son is healthy and happy. it isn't even the care packages or the letters between the two of us. [although i love sending them anyway.]
despite of fights right before he left, two days before, we knew we'd make it through this Deployment. that he would come home and we'd be one happy family. something happened that last night we fell asleep in each other arms, that we just knew.
the moment he last kissed me and my pregnant belly goodbye.
the moment he stepped on that bus.
the last heart shape he made with his hands.
that last blown kiss through the window.
and the moment the tires pulled out of the gate and i couldn't see even a glimpse of white anymore.
something in us changed.
with each of those memories, a bond between us grew. it grew and it grew.
and on April 22nd, 2011. at 1713.
our new life together began.
Michael Patrick
and
Michael Ryder.
i love my two absolutely beautiful boys.
Come Home Soon Babe.
Ryders waited his entire life to meet you.
:)
Oh! and thank you Michele for pointing out the true meaning to us naming our son "Ryder" lmao!
and ladies, i shall never look at milk and cookies and dolphins EVER the same way again.
thank you two amazing ladies for such a wonderful night!
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