Friday, July 29, 2011

Day 119; One Year Ago.

Day 119; Operation Deployment.

one year ago today, Michael and i were driving through Colorado towards Denver when our wonderful baby was conceived. our lives changed forever at that very moment, we just didn't know it yet. and Ryder is the best thing to ever happen to us. :)
a year ago yesterday, i said goodbye to Indiana forever. i had and still have no plans to ever return to live, only visit. i left the little yellow house on State street, the house that built me. and i moved across the country with a man i had only known less than a year of my life. it has had it's ups and downs, and some days i wonder what would have happened if i never left. but i know my life is exactly where it needs to be.

whoever reads this, i ask of you, yet again.
before you come and complain to me about your life, please look at mine, and stop.
i lost a "friend" this week because she felt the need to constantly come to me talking about a new guy every few weeks.
while she was in a relationship.
she was recently dumped by the guy she was in a relationship for two years with, and that same day, was texting me about a new guy she wanted to meet. this has been going on for a few months.
i am married, with my husband child. i have been with, looked at, thought about. only one man for the last 2 years. i do not wish to hear about you guy hopping. and she was upet when i told her this. that talk, is for single girlfriends. if you have a relationship issue, with THAT man, not multiple others, i will be glad to help you. be devoted to ONE, that is all.

i am, a different kind of wife apparently. i noticed this on some page the other day.
i am not like a buisnessman's wife. if i was, my husband would have met my son.
same with a cops wife, firemans wife, or anyone else that faces fears during the 9-5 job.
i wish people understood that. 
i also, never complain that my husband is away. Deployment, is a piece of cake to deal with. if all i had to deal with, was him being away for 7 months, I'd be skatin. its everything else that takes its toll and even then, i do my best not to complain. and i have deleted a lot of people from my facebook because they do. especially the ones that don't have kids, and sit and whine during a Deployment. personally, i don't need to see how much you miss your husband thats on DUTY. or how you're sick and need him to take care f you. take some nyquil and take care of your damn self! sure, read this and think I'm a bitch, i long ago stopped caring. i don't need wimpy baby whiners in my life.

also, please don't complain to me, about the things i so wish i had in mine and my sons life. i would love to be irritated with my mom, or have ANY help from Mike whatsoever. i know things get frustrating for others, but do you not understand that i havent seen my mom, or any family member, in a years time? or that i havent seen my husband in 17 weeks, nor has he met his son? be thankful that you have that. that you have someone to hand your kid off to so you can have "me" time. it's just, i don't wanna hear it. ebcause if you were living my life, you couldn't do it, i can almost promise you that. so please find someone else to complain to!

ps. Tatum Dyke is like, my role model during this Depoyment.
i love how positive she is!!

well guys, after a long, long battle.
tonight i have chosen to completely be out of my mother in laws life, as well as my son. Michael can make his own choices. but i do not want her here, in my hometown, in my home, where i can't control when or how she sees my son.
you know i've always had issues with her.
i have tried, really, i have.
especially this Deployment. for awhile i would go out of my way to talk to her about Ry, send her photos, we'd talk once or twice a week. but one day i gave that up and decided, she can come to me. 
she hasn't.
the last two times she has asked how Ryder and i are, she calls him Ryder to me, not Mike. uhm, okay? but, i have filled her in. i told her his developments, his shots, what he did that day, and being polite, i asked her as well, how she was.
immediately, she goes into super long rants and raves about how shitty work is, she talks to me about people, like i know them. which is weird. then she was complaining about Tiffany throwing a party and again, Mikes friends, and telling me she kicked her own daughter out, or threatened to.
i was honestly going to let it go. but after like, four paragraphs of complaints, i had to say something.
i told her that yes, i understand things can get frustrating, but Mike and i have been through hell and back in the last 4 months and we don't really need anyones complaints. so she tells me, how much she loves and worries about Mike, and even Ryder and me. that she watched the news and wonders where he is and his safety every day, that he's still her baby, and what have you. she told me, "i know what it is like"... is she HIGH?! know what.. what is like exactly? being away from Mike? he GREW up, children are suppose t move away and be seperated from them, wives and husbands, shouldn't be seperated. shit, I'm seperated from my mom and she hasn't taken it hard since i left. we talk every day, we're close, best friends. and she's handling all this better! she told me that she doesn't even feel like a grandma because she hasn't met Ryder, and that she promised Mike she wouldnt come out here until he gets back. yes, because we discussed it and even he told me, it'd be awkward for me. if you think about it, she's nearly a complete stranger to me and what i DO know of her, i don't like. it has nothing to do with Mike being the first person to meet him. my parents will be here next week. :)
i just don't get it. it makes my brain hurt.
she says she worries about him everyday and hates watching the news because she doesn't know where he is. i know, every detail to where he is and what he does on a daily basis and she never bothers to ask. and she was online complaining to me, but didn't email her son or anything. 

i have just had it. i will never be respected. with my childs name, or the way she complains or STILL brings up the friends that are long ago dead to all of us. i emailed her a not so nice email but at least i wa honest. and i simply stated. if you want to be in our lives, at least Ryder and I's, then she needed to try a little harder before she lost all the people in her life. Michael will always make his own choices and I'm okay with that. but for right now until my son knows better, I make his choices for him, not even Michael, it's just me.
and that lady.
isn't someone we need around.
in indiana, or here.

i'm done trying, or giving a damn.
i know i'm perfectly fine with being a Monster to them.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Day 117; His Name is RYDER!!!

Day 117; Operation Deployment.

so, my mother in law seems to think it's cute to call my son by the wrong name.
every time she does this, i want to punch her in the face.
on my sons birth certificate, it states;
Michael Ryder Nelson.
not the same middle name as his father however, he's a little Michael, so we add in Junior.
that was our choice.
it was ALSO our choice, to have him go by Ryder.
Dear Retarded MIL,
i have taken to calling her Granny, whatever name i choose at that moment.
because for the last 3 months, she's called Ryder by his correct name maybe, three times. whenever she emails my husband, she says "can't wait to see you and michael jr."
first of all, clearly, I'm included in that package. wanna see them? gotta see me as well.
second of all, how ignorant do you ahve to be?
LOVE, how after dealing with all the bullshit for almost 2 years, getting married, and popping out your first grandkid, you still can't respect me enough to call him the name we have chosen to call him.
if i wanted to nickname his assface, you'd better call him assface. because I'm his mom, and i run this shit. i raise him, you call him, the name we have CHOSEN for him.
you call my husband Mike, you call me Kimmy.
we're Michael and Kimberly.
you're Patricia, you go by Trish.
this is the same fucking concept.
if Mike wants to call him Junior, that's fine. he's Ryders dad, he can call him whatever he wants to. and if that's special between the two of them, let it be. Michael has that right. you, however, do not.
i'm really, really, getting sick of all this bull.
every time i check my husbands email, i want to punch her in the throat.
mostly because, there's never anything there, when he told her, he checks it frequently. she can't even email him once a week even! or send him anything for his birthday! she decides to send boxes of snacks, most that Mike can't eat, after the halfway point, for his entire Platoon. that REALLY bugged me, you can't even send him his own things?
even my mom, sent him at least a REAL birthday card, and not an Ecard. 
and you wanted to see the first moment your son, meets his son... why?!

i don't know. this Deployment has made me into a cold hearted bitch. this isn't even about me anymore. this is about my husband and my son. she says i try to take him away from her, and them.. but how can i when he's in Afghanistan? and nothing changes. she emails every few weeks, she doesn't ask him about his son, or how he's doing really. she doesn't know the first thing that he's been through, or is going through. she's asked me once recently about Ryder. i gave her cheerful updates, then she says no more about him. i long ago stopped going out of my way to keep her involved, hence why i deleted them from my facebook. you don't get a free for all any longer. you're not a family, unless you act like family. blowing off your son in Afghanistan and not giving a damn about your first grand child, isn't being a family. and it's really making me start putting my foot down, and it will take a shit ton of convincing to say yes to them coming here during Post Deployment leave, and no, they won't be staying in my home next time. they are, basically, complete strangers to me.  and even now, to Mike. so what gives them the right to come out here? because she gave birth to him and went to some sports games while he grew up? because from what I've seen and heard, that's all she's ever done. this is really getting out of hand and i will no longer stand for it. i stood back and watched from the sidelines, what would happen now, if i didn't interfere.
nothing happens.
and that will get you a one way ticket the hell out of our lives.

i no longer care if she reads this, this is absolutely insane. and it disgusts me at all costs. i read these emails and my stomach flips and my heart aches for my husband.
there is nothing in them, at all, that he needs to hear.
she talks about her work and the heat in Indiana, when he has it ten times hotter, and far more longer days. where he can't come home and crack open a soda, eat his popcorn, take a long shower, and get a full nights rest. he doesn't care to hear about your "shitty days"
because i know, he would KILL to trade you places. 
even i, would love to trade you places. your life, is so easy compared to ours woman, be fucking thankful. for once in your entire freaking life!
you know what, what do you guys think i should do?
email her this so she can knock it the fuck off?
or let it go and let herself bury herself more in my book?
because she's out of control and IF i allow her out here, again, and yes, she's shown me that this is no longer a when, but an IF, i might have to slap her.
honestly, Mike deleting his facbeook was the best thing to happen to us.
because it has shown both of us who just talks to him because it's easy.
and who doesn't give a damn when it becomes something they have to do out of their way.

all this makes me sick to my stomach.
but i do have to thank his mom.
for the lack of a parent she has seemed to be to my husband.
it has turned him into such an amazing man.
and i know when he gets home he will be an even more amazing daddy because of it.
she tends to think it's because how she raised him.
when in fact, it was lack there of.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Day 114; today sucks.

Day 114; Operation Deployment.

so, i normally, am fine with him being gone but today for some reason, it just freaking sucks. and not just him. i was looking at old pictures from jacksonville, and iy made me miss my brothers Nick and David too.
and last night at Lisettes, made me miss all the guys.
and this just fucking blows!
i fucking miss the day Mike had firewatch, so Parsons, Neu and i went and bullshitted around the mall until Mike got there. we were family. we were dickin around in borders being stupid. there never was any awkward moments.
i miss fucking PRICE, my canadian "husband" and Freddy the lizard. and us freaking walking miles and miles because we had nothing better to do. and seeing grown ups together.
i miss the friggen barracks, and Regis, Leclair, all the stupid jokes.
i miss those gay ass taxi rides.
and thinking back to boot days, i miss my Jovana. :(
my friend Kaileys boyfriend just graduated and seeing her pictures made my stomach turn into a knot. and the way things were back then. those two days at the MCRD, those night in the hotel with my old best friend. giggling and not sleeping because we knew we would see our guys the next day. and joking around about how we wouldn't recognize them. and sharing all our secrets. i miss her, more than she could ever imagine. i love that girl to death. we have been through SO much in the last two years. 
i miss Irene and her sharing her pregnancy with me, because she couldn't really with Josh at the time. and the look on his face when he first saw her belly at graduation.
i miss our effing booooooots!

i miss all the boot camp love letters, when we were just starting out. of course i love my war letters too, but they are completely different. i miss, everything about those days. we were crazy, crazy in love. how i would run to the mailbox everyday, and freak the mail lady out. and how, mail would come when i was in class and my mom would txt me, making up a code of some sort just to be goofy. and i would spend the rest of the day with a huge smile on my face. i carried those boot letters with me whever i went. i remember the dizziness i first felt when i saw him. because of the drama we went through while he was away, he didn't expect me there, in california. and i didn't expect him to still want to be with me. our first hug, as he drug me off the parade deck, us clinging to one another, and whispering "don't leave me" then pulling back, laughing, and asking what?! how we walked around on family day, iw as nervous as hell, i was quiet as a mouse, and i wouldn't eat. the sight of him just make my stomach all, weird. how we drank starbucks, and held hands, and he showed me off to his platoon buddies. and me pulling him aside and telling him, i didn't know how to get home from the airport because i wasn't allowed in jons car and he laughed and said, "yes you are. you're sitting on my lap"
and the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.

because his mom failed to let me know what plane they were one until TWO WEEKS before we were due in San Diego, i was seated nowhere near them. i was in the middle of the plane, and they were more towards the front. when mike found out about this, he kissed me and told me that it was all okay. i settled into my seat, near tears. shit he was on the same plane but i felt so torn from him. when he got on and looked at me, he stood in his seat, and motioned me to go to him. the man sitting next to him got up, walked back to me and said "ma'am, thank you for standing by him when he needed you the most. please, go sit with your Marine."
i'm still in awe over this.
we spent the plane ride sitting behind his mom and sister, cuddling and kissing and talking, and he fell asleep in the most uncomfortable position in my lap. he knew i didn't like flying and he held my hand the entire way. and he held his promise.
we all got in jons car, and i sat on his lap all the way home from Chicago.
i knew then... that he would never leave me behind.

i talked to mike about march 10 this morning. after the email i sent him, he wanted to tell me.
he promsied me, once again, that nothing happened with any other girl while he was home then. even if we were broken up, he couldn't stop thinking about me. that it was suppose to happen with one girl, they were in his room for a little while, but he couldn't get himself to do it, they talked for a bit, and he took her home and got dq. he told me he couldnt even finish it, because he was disgusted for even thinking of hurting me that way. that. he didn't even think about girls that week, he had enough to deal with. and then there was me, whom he couldn't resist. and whom he can't live without.

i love you Michael Patrick.
i miss you, so much.
i miss you Parsons, Neu, stay safe and come home with my husband.
Price, Leclair, hope youre having fun in OKI!
Jovana, i love you, and so happy things worked out for you, and youre happy.
and Irene, congrats on NUMBER TWO! :D

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Day 112; love through another eyes.

Day 112; Operation Deployment.

you know, i never knew this feeling, the one that i have had the past two days.
i put myself through March of 2010 again, i relived it. i re read every text message, and i cried myself to sleep. because it still hurts, i think, in a way, it always will. no matter what Michael tells me, i think we both know the truth on some of what happened. i haven't let go, i may never forgive him for many things in those ten days.
but oddly, sitting here... it no longer matters at all.
if he emailed me, called me, wrote me a letter explaining every detail to me, i would read it, and my heart would break. if he told me, he had slept with those girls on our little break up, i would. be so disappointed. however, i can honestly say, that it wouldn't affect us at all. it would not make me hate him. it wouldn't make me look at him differently. i wouldn't cause a fight over it. when we were done talking, and i knew the whole story, i would spill my heart out in millions of tears. and i would never bring it up again. the past is the past and i have a big issue allowing it to stay there. it's hard to get over something when you don't know all the pieces, when you've been guessing for over a year. and no, it no longer matters.
but since i re read those texts, and cried, and then woke up. i swear, the craziest thing happened.

i began to love him even more.

i am amazed how how much i have grown up in the last year of my life. and maybe our son has done that to me. but i can never, and will never be the same.
i love my husband, for everything he has done for me, good and bad.
each mistakes made us stronger in the end.
whatever happened in those ten days of emergency leave, mean nothing to what we have now. if he did what everyone says he did, what does it matter? he doesn't talk to either one of them, hell, he doesn't talk to anyone but us anymore.
i've wondered what would have happened had i not got on that plane.
and you know what?
i can almost guarantee, that the next time he came to Indiana, which would not have been much longer after. he would have rode to my house, got down on his knees, and apologized to me whole heartedly. in the end.. we are exactly where we should have been.
married, with our beautiful boy.
regardless of how it happened, or maybe should have happened. it did, and i regret nothing.

looking at Ryder everyday, and going through this Deployment.
god, i don't know.
it's changed every part of me.
i have grown more patient, i have loved deeper than i ever though possible, i think of myself as a super wife and mommy. i no longer take everything, or anything, for granted. i have learned, why complain when you can't change anything? just survive until you can. i no longer worry about anything in my marriage, or going to Indiana. because for once, i know it will go as needed to be. i stopped giving a shit about other people and if i don't want them in mine or my sons life, including some family members, they won't be. i can make that happen and i show no remorse. because i run this shit now.

my mom told me the other day, she is shocked by all my actions, and how i handle things. she knew me in my darker days, and that i had the quickest temper, the dirtiest mouth, no patience at all, i threw fits nonstop.
and now... none of that happens.

as much as this Deployment sucks, i am proud at how i am not letting it kick my ass, instead, i am kicking ITS ass, all 7 months. i do believe that... it happened at the best time and it helped Michael and i as a couple, and me as an individual. and, him as well I'm sure. it's sad to say, but if i had one wish for my future daughter, i would want her, to have to be a mom on her own like i have been. you get such a sense of self worth, you learn to rely on no one but yourself, you don't take things for granted, you gain a sense of pride. it builds your self confidence and the littlest things make you so proud.
Ryder wasn't feeling well today due to his shots yesterday. he was throwing a fit and i could hear in his cry that he wasn't feeling well. i held him. i rocked him, i sang to him, i kissed him a million times and he calmed down. and he fell asleep. and i just, continued to hold him and stare at him.
one little thing, calming a screaming baby, YOUR, screaming baby.
is worth, every hard time you have ever gone through.

Michael really is my best friend. in the letter i got earlier this week he told me that, i never had to worry about him hurting me again. that being so far away has shown him who and what is most important, and that is, and always will be, Ryder. and i. he too, has grown up tremendously, even since he left. watching him, and our son grow... truely is the most amazing thing i have ever experienced. and i love them both so, so much.
mistakes, fights, hurt and tears, miles apart.
screaming, crying, temper tantrums, poopie diapers, and all.
these boys are my entire world.
our life, right now. this very moment.
is exactly where it needs to be. should be. was meant to be.


and, for all you creepers i have blocked from my facebook.
here's a few photos of our son.
i'll add more when my laptop is up and running.

Michael Ryder is now 10 lbs and 6 ounces.
and is 23.5 inches long.
he is in the lower percentile of his age.
tiny like mommy and daddy.
yes, he still has red hair, after the Patersons.
and yes, that is a tattoo that has my husband signature on my arm.
Ryder now rolls over from front to back [when he wants to.]
blows spit bubbles, makes farting noises. [he's oh so talented.]
he loves hims baby naners, and bubble baths with mommy.
he sleep through the night from between 10-11 PM to 7-8 AM.
he loves his super teddy blankie, and he can't fall asleep unless it's over his head.
he still has to have that annoying giant green binky.
he giggles, is starting to laugh out loud. and sounds like he's trying to start "talking"
he scootches every so often.
he grabs your thumbs and tries to pull himself up into a sitting position.
he grabs things. mainly, mommys hair and necklace.
he would rather watch SVU than cartoons. and i think he has a small crush on Selena Gomez.
and the icing on the cake!
he gets to meet his Mimi and Pops in...

everyday, i love hims more, and more!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Day 110; AHA!

Day 110; Operation Deployment.

my biggest fear in this Deployment, above all others.
is that Michael will come home and i will feel like, i no longer need him in my life.
after doing EVERYTHING on my own. 
and honestly, have been doing better financially and everything else, since he left.

before he left, we were living paycheck to paycheck. we have a matter of two bills.
phone and cable/internet.
the end of the month, car insurance is suppose to come out.
along with Mikes old bike debt.
and somehow, we would have 10 dollars to last us a week, you know. the moments that make you sweat? yeah. we did that far too often.
and the shitty thing is, we got paid more then.
since he's been saving out in Afghanistan, the paychecks are cut short. and i have no problem with that. but i still live comfortably.
once paid, i get everything taken care of the first few days, save some in our savings, save some in cash, and still have a good $100 or so left for next check.
this is with diapers, and now baby food because WIC doesn't cover it yet.
i have been paying bills right when i get them, and getting things done far before they're due to be done.

when we get paid i fill up the truck that lasts me until next pay period, and even then I'm not low. i go out to Walmart for care packages items and baby things. i usually go to the Commissary a week later and spend 100 or so on food. as i said, i pay tmobile and time warner right when i get it. and his debt and insurance comes out of the check itself so i don't have to worry about it. 
tonight again, i was blindsided by something he failed to take care of and/or mention to me. and it boils my blood.

before he left, i asked him to get taken care of, a lot of things. he only accomplished one of those and that was to stock up on things so i didn't have to go out right after Ryder was born. i swear, the toilet paper we got will last WELL after he gets back, haha.
the dogs only got the minmum shots, and that was only because they got out and someone called Animal Control because my hyperactive dog was "too skinny"
so they had us take them to the vet. neither one of them was fixed, hence why I'm sure, before Holly got out, she was pregnant.  and also plays a huge role in Indys hyper factor. i still worry about him, i know he needs a better checkup. however, i can not handle a baby and Indy. and, I'm still on my own.
i had to wrestle with him for MOL and MyPay passwords, when i needed a copy of his LES for WIC. we almost got kicked off WIC because of it, but they gave me another 30 day extension.
he didn't tell me that i would have to renew his motorcycle insurance, which i'm sure i should have known. but i have taken care of the plates, and the insurance already and they're not due until the end of August. so he could come home and not have to worry.
he called to make me the primary on the T Mobile account, and i guess the guy never set it, so now there isn't anything i can do about my phone that no longer works. i had been telling him he needed to make sure and do it sooner than a day before he left. but he didn't until he had to, to suspend his line until he got back.
oh, I'm sure there's more.
but i have dealt with it all. i can not begin to express the stress i have dealt with in the last almost 4 months. i swear i feel like a 40 year old. but i have dealt with it all, and it's made me realize, i wear the pants now. and i will control everything so that i am no longer in the dark, or blindsided by things.

fact; he set me up for failure when he left.
when i asked him to make it easier, he made it harder.
fact; that's just made me stronger.
add in a little resentment.
makes for one strong ass woman.

just another thing to knock me down. but i ain't lettin it completely get to me. and i am doing fine just Ryder and i. 

Day 109; :)

Day 109; Operation Deployment.
one of these days i will get some sleep.

i want to start this post off, with a smile.
for my mommy. :)
after my papa passed away last September, my mom has been battling my aunt on who would get the house that he built with his bare hands.
we grew up in a tiny two bedroom house that my mom never wanted in the first place. my dad promised her that they would move before number two came around. and here i am, number three, and i lived there until i was married and moved to California.
my aunt, oh there's many things i would like to say about her, but i will hold my tongue. lets just say the last words i ever spoke to her was calling her a bitch and walked 15 miles home instead of stayin around her.
when i was 9 weeks pregnant.
this fight. my moms, like me, has always gotten screwed over in life. and i'll tell you, it's a good thing I'm not in Indiana. i am so very tired of seeing my mom hurt. she's far too nice of a person to put her foot down and stick to her guns, which i have recently learned to do. so she sits there, and just lets life pass her by, all the while, falling to pieces.
she calls me tonight.
to tell me, while crying.
that she now has a new address.
my mommy inherited my grandfathers house, her dream, what she always wanted. i cried with her, this is such an amazing thing. my aunt wanted the house because she teaches dance in the basement, but since she is sick with cancer, she has decidd to retire, therefore, giving my mom the house.
if she changes her mind, the cancer won't be her killer.
it isn't all set in stone yet, there's a whole bunch of more crap to go through. but i am so very excited for her and how this is working out.
however. this also saddens me. i never imagined that by me moving out here, it might be the last time i ever set foot in my childhood home. where my little tree is, that i planted in the first grade. :(
the song "the house that built me" has now popped into my head and i can't help but get a little teary eyed. ::sighs::

speaking of the house we grew up in.
my "dead" brother. is 250 miles away from his new home in Muskugee, Oklahoma.
me, being an idiot, like i would EVER go see him, and not run him over. looked up how far it was from here to there. thinking maybe it was a short trip.
uh, it's 21 hours.
how does that make sense? is it really like, 10 hours or less from Indiana?
meh, sad, that we're going to be living closer and still won't ever see each other.
i can be honest and say, having 2,300 Miles between us made me a lot happier than the 1,300 that will not seperate us. but he better be thankful he's stopped in Oklahoma. the west coast ain't big enough for the both of us.

and my sister. pft.
a long time ago, she blocked me from facebook for calling her out. her and Kevin went without me to get mom a christmas gift of barry manilow tickets. they went so far as saying "these are from your kids..." like i was. a nobody.
so of course i was mad, and i told her so. she didn't like it, so she blocked me.
apparently her husband did too.
well, i went back on mikes old account to message them saying, ya know, it'd be nice if they wanted to see pictures of my son. and i scrolled through her status updates and was actually shocked to see that Ryder was born and i was recovering well. my mouth kinda dropped, warmed me a little bit inside. she actually, cared a little.

moving out here, made me realize.
i don't have a family any longer.
well, of course other than Michael, Ryder, and my mommy and daddy.
i have talked to Kelly a handful of times. clearly, Kevin none at all. he couldn't even make time to say goodbye to me, because he was "busy"
even Matt and Meg, never talk to me. they never responded to anything i sent, so i deleted them too.
as did i with my in laws.
i do have to thank my aunt cathy, because she's sent Mike a few care packages. and it honestly does mean a lot to me because his own blood JUST sent him something, over halfway through. and not just for him, but his own platoon. which hurts me, even if it doesnt hurt him. 
but other than that... that's about all. no one talks to me anymore. no one really asks how I'm doing. [family wise.]
it's kind of like i fell off the planet to everyone i use to know.
and it use to bother me, but i have grown cold hearted.

Moving our to California, which i did almost a year ago.
[ohhhh! SIDE NOTE.
July 14th, 2010... which i forgot to blog about.
was the year mark that Michael graduated MOS school and flew home to Indiana.
it was officially the first day we started TTC! that memory makes me smile.]
it's shown me that, you never know what life is like, until you leave your hometown.
i have found my trust self.
true family.
true friends.
i have flown, and grown, and spread my wings.
and have become a much, much better person because of it. and all i really need, are my goofy ass husband, my silly baby boy, my tender hearted mother, and my carefree daddy in my life to get by. :D

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Day 106; Random Thoughts at 0400.

sometimes i sit and wonder, what would be different if all his friends liked me.
if his sister and i stayed close.
i always think back to before boot camp where her and i would stay up late laughing about the guys. sharing secrets. the time we skinny dipped in the pool and we went running into the house, with the guys in the living room and i fell and busted my shit.
i remember us dancing in the living room, and her sharing her heartache with me. i remember sharing secrets, like some sisters do.
i remember all the guys. and Ryan telling me to, "just do it"
i remember Steve telling Mike i was perfect, all wrapped up in a little 100 pound package.
i remember Doty, and skateboarding, and going to Mikes after school or work to all of them. i thought, we were a family. 
the drunken nights where Steve pulled me aside to ask my advice.
or going to Hessville.
it didn't even matter if Mike was there or not. it was never really ackward. we all just kind of meshed into a group from the get go. i still have no idea why.
we basically knew everything anyone else was doing then.
i remember going to mikes house, when he was out, and going down to our room and doing my homework. or sitting upstairs talking to his mom.
i remember all our inside jokes.
shit, i still have all my little notes on my blackberry of funny shit Ryan always said.
i remember the rush of street racing, having each others backs and pulling each other into the cars and taking off.
we all looked out for one another then. 
no, i can't remember those times.
and i cant remember when Mike left and it all fell apart.
his mom screaming at me and writing me threatening notes.
the guys saying i was obsessive, telling Mike i was cheating on him. saying i started so much drama and i was trying to take Mike from them. i remember worrying how i would get home from the airport after graduation because Tiffany said i wasn't allowed to ride with Jon and Ryan, there wasn't room.
i was scared i would just get pushed aside when he got home. that he would leave me because there were issues between all of us now.

i will always wonder.
what if i had tried harder? what if i cared about Mike less in the beginning? would we all still be close? would i not be terrified to go back to my hometown because i know there will be a lot of issues because they will want Mike to be the same old guy that died August 1st, 2010? it's sad how i don't want them around my son because i have seen the way they had acted around Tyler.
what ifs, will always run through my head. and i know that they shouldn't.
i loved Mike from the very beginning and i gave up everything for him. it didn't matter who knew him longer, we all knew him different. 
in the end, it was never really me. it was a lot of Mike and they way he handled things. he didn't feel he could actually tell them the truth because they always had something to say about it. in the end, i always looked like the bad guy, the monster. the controlling bitch.
and that's fine with me.

even if, things were still the same way as before.
what would be different now?
they would all be in Indiana, living their life. Mike, Ryder and i would be here, living ours. we might all talk more. i might feel a little better about going back to Indiana. we might all be caught up on each others lives. but that's about it.
they still wouldn't have come out here for pre deployment leave.
i would still be missing parts of lives.
no one would be helping me out here, or texting me to see how Mikes son is.
sometimes, i would love a text from them. not even asking about me. asking about our son. 
he's going on three months old now.
and no one, no one. ever cares to ask about him.
and no one ever asks about my husband either.
and that's where i draw the line on who actually cares, and who doesn't.
thats the thing about them. that they seem to have all wrong. it doesn't matter if i hate them or not. i can't keep them from my husband. i can keep them from my son, especially when they don't care enough to check on him every once in awhile. if they cared about Mike, they would. they would also see how i was holding up.
regardless on who likes who.
Mikes old schoolhouse friends, make sure I'm okay. they're, for the most part, up to date of Ryders life. David and Nick are known as "uncles" to our son because they've been a constant in our lives for over a year now. they say hi to me when Mike calls me, or when we're online. they respect me and not only do they let me know they miss me, they tell me, they can't wait to meet our son.
those, are friends.
i will always be a bitch to them, the monster.
but i could never ignore them if they asked me a question.
unless i felt they didn't need to know. which, i don't know what they could ask that i wouldn't answer.
it bothers me that, there are so many ways to contact Mike, their "bro".. and they don't. because it takes too much effort to find a new way to communicate.
him deleting his facebook was such a good idea, for many different reasons.
and i believe this has showed him that they will only contact him when it's easy for them. and if that's gone, then who cares?
it's just. so sad.
but, them thinking i'm filling his head with bullshit. is such a lie. he has two eyes, he can see for himself who cares and who doesn't. constant friends, and convienient friends. and they all expect Mike to come walkin into town and things be the same.
they're dead, wrong. 

everything i have done, has had a reason. and i am no longer ashamed. they were done for my family, with my family in mind. there is nothing selfish about my choices. and nothing will be the same when he gets back. 
and somehow, I'm no longer too worried about him gettin mixed up in the wrong crowd anymore.
because just like they don't care about him, or ask about him, or find a way to talk to him...
he feels the same way.

those old days.
are dead.
the old Mike.
is dead.
"our" old friends.
are dead to us.
the past is the past. i need to learn to let it lie.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Day 106; 15 Weeks Down; 15 To Go.

Day 106; Operation Deployment.
ah, the sweet, sweet sound of halfway.
from now on, there will be less days until i see him.
than days since i last did.
double digits instead of triple.
i can't fucking wait to see that man!
i mailed my 8th care package today.
Ryder has a Doctors appointment on Tuesday and he gets his shots.
my parents will be here in a little over 2 and a half weeks!  :D
the one thing i have been looking forward to this Deployment.
my laptop is still crashed.
and now my phones messing up.
sure as hell makes for communication to be difficult.
and i couldn't be more frustrated!

Ryder is now mobile! he rolled over three times in a row today and oddly, i caught all three on camera.
he is now on rice cereal at night.
and nanas in the morning.
he has been crying and screaming the last two days and i think it's because he's going through a growth spurt and wanting more food.
he's already on 4 ounces, any more and he throws it up.
babies are such an experiment!
all week, he has been sleeping AT LEAST, from 11 to 7.
sometimes he falls asleep earlier, sometimes wakes up later.
i'll take it.
he is FINALLY in size one diapers.
not so much because he's too big for newborn ones, but because he leaks trough them, he pees more.
still in newborn clothes, starting to outgrow them though. he's in between sizes. and pants without feetsies jammies flood on him super bad.
this kid's gonna be hard to shop for!

the house is almost done, other than some last minute things and clean ups.
and after my parents leave, it shall be complete so i don't have to worry the last two months. 
crazy... the one thing i have been waiting for, when it's over. there won't be much time left.
and in thos two months i'll be super busy getting things ready.
i hate thinking about it, gets me too stoked. 
i just can't wait for him to get back and us to start over.
Ryder to meet his Daddy!
and Uncle Nicky and Uncle Neu to meet hims!
there's so many promise i have made to myself about homecoming and after homecoming and i know that life will for sure be taking a turn for the better.
we're just going to... start over.

i can't wait. 
Happy Halfway.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Day 104; making a difference. POLL.

today, the one person i thought knew me best.
asked me to censor what i write.
nothing personal.
this angered me greatly, no one has an idea.
i have been writing since i was 7 years old.
and if he continues to push the issue, he's going to find himself left for a notebook and a pen.

i want to know.
and i want to show my husband,
how much i actually do make a difference in the world from my blogs.
i have almost 6,000 page views in under 4 months.
i have gotten so many messages on how i have helped certain individuals because of what i write.
so, lets show him.

1. follow my blog.
2. make a comment on this page.
3. "Like" my link on facebook and/or leave a comment.

don't worry, no one can break me.
 i will never stop writing.

Day 104; The Art Of Words.

Day 104; Operation Deployment.
i want to start my post by saying, if you do not like what i wreite, please do not read my blog. and please don't spread my blog to people that do not need to be involved. i have gotten so much drama from this blog, completel unneccessary. it is my own personal thoughts and feelings, that i post to my own personal facebook when i am finished. i never mention anyone by names, nor so i ever say anything harmful for anyone or to myself. so let it lie and leave it alone. my email is
if you have an issue with a post, please bring it up to me, and me alone. it is an open blog, if i could block certain people from it, i most certaintly would. however, i can not. so if what i say offends anyone, then click the little ex in the right upperhand corner of the screen.
have at it.

i'm pretty upset with my cell phone. :(
Michael called me this morning and it kept going into airplane mode so it kept hanging up the call so i didn't get to talk to him. it was pretty irritating and i hope the problem gets solved soon! seeing as we can't skype. and only have email on my phone or this... ghetto internet deal going on, haha.
but then again, i don't mind sending letters that he will get three weeks later either, lol!
i have realized that, i am here solely for my husband. i told myself coming into this that, if i didn't make friends, i would be okay. and if i did, then great! i have my Support wives, ones going through the same exact thing, at the same exact time, while our guys are over there, doing the same. my goal in life, especially Deployments, is to support my husband, and make sure he has nothing to worry about over there. i have sent 7 care packages and about a dozen letters. i email him every other night at least and i motomail him at random so he can hear from me. his happiness and things between us, really are the only things that matter to me. i need no one else in this world but him and Ryder. however, the friends i have made here, even just on facebook, and the ones that are there for me, i do thank you. :)

ah, words.
i have lived on words for as long as i can remember.
i have always been an avid book worm, and i started writing poetry in the sixth grade. i have journals dating back to my prepubescent years, talking about a new guy every week that i had a crush on, until now, going through one of the most difficult times in my life. i will never stop writing, no matter how many people get me down. it's my sanity, and it cleans my steel-like soul. i know that for some people, my blogs make a difference. they read what i have to say and it's what they have gone through, or are going through. reading it, makes me feel less alone. especially with my strength blog. i have gotten nothing but good reviews. so the few people i have gotten crap from, mean so little in my writing world. knowing i have helped one, or two, have touched the hearts of even one lonely soul. that is enough for me to continue on writing. because one day, i WILL make a world of difference.

my Great Aunt Aggie emailed me, what could possibly be the most heartfelt email i have gotten from a family member. i no longer talk to the majority of family that i have. i have my mom, and my dad, and everyone else, just comes and goes.
when i was growing up, i had the worst temper. my grammy would always call me "brat baby." and that, i was. i had anger issues in high school, and i never knew what i was angryat. being a teenager was rough. my mom wanted to take me into a therapist and i refused.
i refuse therapy.
i have gotten myself out of so many difficult times in my life. maybe i just have too much pride. or maybe i don't need some wack job asking me how i feel every five minutes. for awhile, i really believed that i needed Zoloft to shut my brain up. but none of that is true. all i needed then, and now, and in the future. are my words. my audience is my therapist, that is so much better than any professional help i could ever receive.
sorry, i got off topic.
here is a portion of what was emailed to me, that melted my heart, and my soul burst from my chest.
it was all i ever needed to hear.

"I know Kevin hasn't talked to you.  He hasn't discussed you with me at
all.  I think it was your mom who told me that he is angry at you because
he warned you you were getting into a bad situation.  You described
yourself "Grammie's Brat Baby" and some see you are quick to anger and
sometimes don't think before you speak and people's feelings get hurt.
But that isn't the real you.  I have always thought that.  If you write
your feelings down unedited before to talk to people, that will give you a
chance to step back and cool off.  How do I know that, because I was also
quick to anger when I was young and I have a journal with my anger and
frustration that I need to burn before I go into outer space.  I have
always seen into your heart and I understand that there have been reasons
for your anger and frustration with how your earlier life has been.  But
as you wrote me earlier, you now have the life you have always wanted.  I
know you will nuture that life.

Your parents have worried about you.  I talked briefly about you when I
was in Indiana in June.  I said that your getting married and going to
California was the best thing for you and that you are a "tough cookie,"
meaning you will make a good life for you and your little family.  I think
they'd like to see you closer to them.  But you needed to get out of
Indiana to a plade where you can be your real self, not be what some other
people think you are."
and she is absolutely right.
you can never fully understand who you are, until you have left the only place, the only people, the only YOU, you have ever known.
my family, everyone but my mom, grammy, and aunt aggie.
has told me that writing is such a waste of a living.
that my cousin scott went to college for writing and now he writes sports articles that barely pay.
but what is money when you're doing something that you love? when you're making a difference? when you voice yourself, instead of keeping hold of this beautiful person that lays deep inside your skin?
that, will never be me.
Aunt Aggie told me, i never had to use my real name for anything. but i am not ashamed of who i have become, or who i was back then. i will forever use my real name, the name that i have become, and has become me.
the best advice i have ever received is;
"write what you know"
and ver since the 7th grade, i have.
and right now, it might not have taken me to big places, maybe i havent been published.
but, words are my greatest accomplishment in this world.
and no one, can ever get me down.

thank you mommy, grammy, aunt aggie, and Michael, for always believing in me.
that writing isn't just some silly little pipe dream.
it's my own reality.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Day 100!!!!!

Day 100; Operation Deployment.

i can honestly say that some of my toughest days have been wrapped within these last 100. but i can also say, that i got through them, as tough as they might have been.
another 100 to go!

in celebration of this little day, i decided to go out and get a new tattoo in honor of my husband.
 i have been thinking about it for awhile, and have been waiting for something Mike has written for the saying. my original plan was to have it in his writing, but it's too small and i guess it wouldn't have looked right. in the last letter he wrote me he wrote "i will protect you against anything in the world." and i wanted it on my wrist. i have small wrsts so i shortened it to "i will protect you against the world."
and i decided to copy his signature from a previous letter, and add that to my arm. in electric blue of course. :)
it looks, fucking amazing and i am extremely happy with it.
when i sent the picture to Mike when we were IMing he was like woah, is that real? when i said yes he told me he didn't know what to say. preparing my heart to break, his next message was, "have i told you lately, just how much you really mean to me, how much i love you?!"
and that by getting a tattoo dedicated to him, it made him realize, that we WERE going to make it. i mean, kinda have to now ya know? i have his name on my arm.
granted, totally doesn't look like his name, more like, scribbles. so i could always pass it off as some other language ahaha!
then he got on OUR facebook page and posted a cute status about loving and missing us and couldn't wait to get back to us, forever forever. silly boy, hacking the facebook.
he's just such a sweet man!
i'm really glad he liked it, i honestly, love it. it's perfect for about, every stupid thing we have ever gone through. i can't wait until he comes home to kiss it. :)

in these past 100 Days
i kissed my love goodbye.
i became super wife, and super mom.
my water broke, i drove myself to the hospital, i was knocked out for a C Section, i held our son for the first time.
i recovered fabulously ON MY OWN. 
i figured out Ryders Colic, eating issues, pooping and sleeping habits.
i have bitch out Time Warner a total of three times.
i have paid all over bills on time. and i have managed to relearn how to pump gas. [lmao, i hate pumping gas, so i always had Mike do it.]
i have lost one dog.
my laptop broke.
i have dealt with ant and fly infestations.
i sideswiped a yellow cement pole with the truck.
i drove 2 hours to a mall.
i have lost a lot of respect for people, lost a lot of "friends"
learned who my true ones are.
realized that blood means nothing.
i have eaten McDonalds countless times, and the same things over and over.
i have fought with my husband, for my husband, and dealt with drama.
i have falling out, and back into, love.
i have wanted to walk away on more than one occasion, but chose to stay,
i have read 7 books, which sucks. i'm use to about 5 books a month.
i have taken about, a bajillion bubble baths.
i have drank 2 six packs f MGD. and figured out how to make steak. a little late now that mikes gone.
i have sent ut 7 care packages.
receieved dozens of heartfelt phone call, emails, IM sessions, Skype dates, and love letters.
and i have sent just as many back.
i have had about, 23 meltdowns.
i have rearranged almost every room in my house.
and turned our house into a home.
i have lost myself, and i have found more strength than i could ever imagine.
i fall more and more in love with my son, every single day.
ad lately, i have been doing the same with my husband. 
here's to putting the bullshit first 100 in the past. and hoping the last 100 is a helluva lot better.

i love you michael patrick.
your mommy and daddy love you Michael Ryder.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Day 99; fresh.

Day 99; Operation Deployment.

i am at a place in my life, that i havent been at in a really long time. i know it's taken me awhile to get here and i have all finges crossed that it stays this way.
my husband and i are back n the same page. it's been about a month since i last felt hurt by the things he has done. he has proved himself well, ever since. 
and that's, a really good feeling.
this is when i have decided, i should have stuck to my guns on everything since the beginning of Deployment and not tried to do the right thing like i always do. there comes a point when doing the "right thing", doesn't pay off anymore.
i have been getting flustered and irritated over people in his life, and i shouldn't have to. that isn't fair anymore. i have dealt with it for too long.
i let them back into my life to try to become a family. what kind of family is it when we don't speak to one another unless we need something, we don't plan anything together, we don't know another about the others lives, except the fact that Ryder pushed us together?
i felt the need to keep certain pictures from them on my facebook because i didn't know what would have been done with them. i don't believe they need to be completely involved in our lives anymore. it got to the point where i was so fed up and they couldn't see over half of my profile, that i just got rid of it completely.
really, what's the point?

i didn't have my baby so that we would get closer, or that i would finally have some ounce of respect. i didn't marry mike to be the middle man when he only contacts me.
i didn't delete my husbands facebook, but i'm damn glad he did it himself. and sitting there all butthurt about it, does no good. there are other ways to contact him.
i honestly think that's when all this started.
when tiffany texted me asking me why i, ME, deleted his facebook. instead of asking me what had happened. the fact that once again, it was my doing, my fault.
i'm so tired of always feeling like I'm being blamed for thing. that my wishes will never be respected.
why keep them around when i text them asking how they're doing and only get a response half the time, when i stare at my phone and struggle with what to say. why do i ALWAYS go out of my way to contact them, send them pictures, see how THEY are, when it's still always me stretching my arm out for them? it got a little bit better right after Ryder was born, but i knew it was only because Ryder was born and we really had no choice.
but i have had enough.
when they visit, when we visit, that's when they can be involved in Ryder. i found myself thinking about it the other night, and what's keeping them involved currently, really doing? they don't really know my son, my son will never really know them. just like my own parents. i don't talk to Ryder about them like i do his Daddy, i talk about Mike to him all the time. so that he learns and gets to know him, even if he isn't around.
what the heck am i suppose to say to Ryder about my in laws? when i know nothing about them. hell, i don't even know what Mikes mom wants Ryder to call her. and Ry's 2 and a half months old. so when i do say something about her to him, i always stumbled and say, "uh, er, hmm. well, your Daddys mom."
it's just all an awkward situation.
and being involved with them doesn't make me feel like a better person. it still makes me feel like crap. they can be fake, i can't. that's just how it goes.
Ryder has brought our family closer together. Michael, Ryder, and i.
that is, our family.
and that is the only family i am currently worried about.
i talk to my mom everyday still, she's my lifeline to get through this Deployment. she still sends care packages, so i can say to Ryder "mimi sent you this. mimi bought you this outfit. mimi says hi" they talk on the phone sometimes. and i trust my mom to go to her with a question. that's just MY mom.
but if she wronged me, or hurt my feelings constantly. if she was JUST around for my son, she'd be kicked from my life too.
i have no remorse for what i am doing anymore. i am tired of extending myself out to rude people, people only being nice to me to be in my sons life. it isn't benefitting me any, and eventually, Ryder will know that Mommy is being fake.
i can be polite and cordial, i refuse to be rude, i refuse to talk bad about them. they are my husbands family, they are my sons family. but being married and having a child together, doesn't really make them mine.
i've done perfectly fine without much family the last year of my life. i don't really need any more, especially the ones that stress me out.
Shenley says, "you have to act like a family in order to be a family."
acting like strangers, just doesn't work out for me.
just ask my ex brother. :)

but yes, i am perfectly content with the way things are, my new life. and i don't need anyone messing that up.
my house is becoming a home, and i am beginning to love it.
my son grows and changes everyday, he even rolled over once last night!
[i had to tell Mike first, so i didnt post anything about i.]
getting to know him is amazing, a feeling i can't begin to explain.
and my husband. geesh babe. he's become the sweetest man ever and knows just how to tug on my heartstrings.
all is right in the world.
start over F.R.E.S.H.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Day 97; ::swoon::

Day 97; Operation Deployment.
p.s. i REALLY miss putting pictures up on here everyday i post. :(
hopefully by this weekend my laptop is fixed and i can post properly!

Michael keeps makin my heart melt, i can honestly say i believe this is a huge breakthrough for us. and he is changing, and i do see hope.
and i am so glad that i didn't walk away.
i went to the mailbox yesterday, opened it up, and saw my husband handwriting.
a love letter from war.
in it, held one of the most romantic things i have ever read.
i parked the car in an empty spot, opened it carefully, and read every word. i closed my eyes and i felt him there. with every word he wrote, tears sprang to my eyes. my husband, my sweet, sweet husband.
his last sentence was,
"i will protect you against anything in the world."
remember that, because you'll be seeing it soon. <3
i fell in love all over again.

later that night he got onto Yahoo! and we were IMing. i hadn't expected him to get online. usually he calls on Wednesdays, emails on the weekend, and if possible, skype my Saturday night, his Sunday morning.
he told me that he sent me an email.
so i opened it up and i read it. below is a part of it, that just, melted my heart.

"Showing me how much you are willing to go far off no matter
the price or consequences to just see me for a moment or few days. I know i have said thank you but i dont think you really know how
thankful i really am for putting your neck out there so much for me and being there at all cost and times. I know i can never repay your
time and efforts that you put into everything but i plan to be your everything for now on no more screw ups except like not knowing how to
change a diaper or something in that area of course haha, but for real your everything as much as i possibly can. I know it is hard for you
just believe that but i plan to show and help you believe it over our time together because that is all that can help the ways things have
been. It has been really bumpy and ill just say etc but i still whole heartly believe you are my everything no matter what just have a hard
time expressing it towards you."
 ^^^that, is the man.
that i fell in love with.

finally, a turning point in our relationship. no more fighting like we have been, no more wanting to leave. no more heartache.
or i'll shoot him with his own gun.
lol, j/k of course!

in our phone call this morning, he sounded out of breath. when i asked why he said.
"i was standing there in the shower, thinking of you. its funny, thinking about you with a bunch of dick around. i get into my bunk and i keep thinking about you and, OH FUCK! i told you i was going to call you. so i fall off my bunk and sprint to the phone, in my pt gear. and then, it's like, yeah. that's why i'm out of breath. not from the running, but from, you know, thinking about you and stuff. oh! and falling out of bed."
lmao. oh, my, Michael Patrick.
but in our phone call, i told him something personal that had happened to me. i knew he'd be pissed off, not at me, but the situation. Billy Burk is stalking my life, again.
and honestly, hearing Mike wholeheartedly worried for me, broke me down. but i assured him he has nothing to worry about. hearing him say,
"you have enough to be worrying about right now, he doesn't need to add to the list." shocked me. he's actually getting it. in the beginning of this Deployment and even after Ryder was born, it sounded like he believed i had it easy. but now he knows my life is far from.
gah, i seriously. love that man. and him for understanding everything i tell him. and how we have no more secrets. i am, so very happy.
i am so glad that things with my best friend, my husband, are turning completely around.

another issue i faced today, when i sit and think, which is far too often. is that.
all we really have, is each other.
i'm really tired of being nice to people that hurt me before, disrespected me before, and then are nice becaus they want to be in my sons life.
"family" i won't keep my son from, but does that really mean anything anymore?
whats the point when i never talk to them? when i'm ignored when i send messages and txts to see how things are going and i get no response?
that really bothers me. alot bothers me when it comes to my son.
My sons name is Michael Ryder.
the ONLY two people allowed to call him Michael, are me, and his dad.
we have chosen him to be called Ryder, and i wish that was respected.
Michael, is my husband. Ryder, is my son. they are two completely different people and i wanted my son to have his own identity, and Mike wanted to have his name carried on. so we met in the middle.
just like Michael, is called Mike. and I, Kimberly, usually go by Kimmy.
never Kim.
if you don't go around calling us Michael Patrick and Kimberly Sue.
[shoosh, Michael Patrick is what i call him and me alone.]
then please, do not call my son Michael Ryder.
i'm sure this will get back to my in laws somehow, and I'm attempting to be cordial.
but it really bothers me how they're still all close with people that have hurt me so badly.
not only that, but they're talked about, to me.
his mom always brings up Jon and the other day she was saying how happy she was for Mikes Ex, Kristine, to be married, and hos she was upset she couldn't make it to the wedding reception.
Kristine, is also the one everytone says Mike slept with when we broke up for that week.
trust me, if you saw her, you'd know it was a lie too.
i don't really understand why she felt the need to talk about my husbands ex, to me. i understand they're still close because they did date for quite awhile, but whats the point in telling me about it? and I'm a nice person, i can be fake too. what am i suppose to sit there and say? i don't give a damn? i just said it was nice and i'm sorry she wasn't feeling well enough to go.
it also makes me, extremely uncomfortable that Tiffany is still buddy buddy with Sable, the one that was "sexting" my husband shortly after we got out here. none of this is a secret to any of them. but clearly these females were in the wrong, and it goes not cared about.
if someone hurt my sister in law, even though we barely get along anymore, that's it. i wouldn't talk to them anymore. it doesn't matter how long we were friends. if they honestly got between Tiffany and Nick, or any other boyfriend of hers, i'd lay her flat on her ass for my sister. plain and simple. 
they say we're "family"
but family doesn't do that.
and once again, i am uncomfortable going to my own hometown because of what will more than likely happen.
Michael and i already talked about when we go to Indiana, we won't be staying at his moms, we won't be staying at my moms.
we will be staying at a mutual family members house, or getting a hotel. because that's fair to the both of us.
we have already talked about, there will be no drinking in front of Ryder, of Mike, or anyone else. i do not want my son exposed to alcohol in ANY way, shape, or form. that's how i was raised. my parents don't drink. my brother drinks, a lot, but i'm never around to see it.
so i refuse my son to ever see it.
Mike, already knows. this was his idea. he never wants his son to ever see him even tipsy. a beer or two after bed, fine. any more than that, he leaves the house. 
but when we go to Indiana, what the hell am i suppose to do? i already told Mike, i don't want his friends around. they're stupid, immature, i've seen them pushing Sables little boy around, i've heard them telling him to say terrible words, i've heard "my mommys a slut." come from that little childs mouth. i don't care if they only did that because they don't like sable, but i'll be damned if you even SWEAR in front of our son. he WILL repeat it, and my son won't be dirty mouthed like that.
and i know, Tiffany will bring all Mikes old friends around.
and if Chris is there, Sable is there.
no, thank you.
i will pick up my son, kiss my husband goodbye, and take off.
it's not fair that i have to deal with all this. and no one will respect what i want for my son. they'll give me some bullshit line like "oh, we've known mike longer, were gonna see him when he's here, blah, blah, say what we want about his wife, do what we want around his son."
so why, in all gods name, do i even keep any one of them around?
blood, means very little to me. i have been betrayed by both of my own siblings. i created my new family.
but i know, that all this fake bull, is because i had a baby.
i didn't have my son to be respected. i didn't have a son for people to be nice and expect me to forget all that's been said and done, and us grow closer.
that will never happen.
there will be a lot of changes being made. and i go back to statement one, when i found out i was pregnant.
i will always do whats best for my child.
even if you don't understand my reasoning, you will either respect it, or not.
and if not, then say goodbye.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Day 95; Independence Day.

Day 96; Operation Deployment.
thank you all who serve our country, to keep AMERICA! free.
my husband, Support Company, my friends.

Ryder and i just stayed inside all day.
and actually enjoyed a small thunderstorm. which made me sad but smile at the same time! Rain always reminds me of mike and our October storm where i ditched classes and stayed in bed with him all day, all wrapped out, and then we made smores in the microwave, marshmellows stuck to our faces, and kissing sweeter than the choclate between our graham crackers. or the first time he kissed me in the rain, right before he drove to MEPS. oh, my love, my memories!
Michael called me yesterday morning and i just now remembered something he told me. it makes me smile, so big.
he knows i talk to Ryder about the two of all, all the time. even though Ry has NO idea what i'm saying, i could tell him i'm going to rip his pee pee off with pliers and he would still smile at me. of course, i would never do such a thing!
but he told me, never to tell Ryder about Daddys stories before Mommy.
Now, in my husbands defense, he was never a really bad guy. of course he made stupid decisions when it came to females, and breaking the law, often. but, he has never actually done anything terrible.
so when i asked him why i shouldn't tell him, he said.
"i don't want him to know who i was. because i don't want him to follow in those foot steps of mine before you. i don't want him to be the man i was becoming. because he can't find a woman like you, to come along, and save his life."
oh Michael.
i just choked up typing that.
thats the man, the man i fell in love with.
that isn't the first time he has told me that i saved him from destruction. 
it melts my heart.

i love my husband. thinking back to even a few months ago and how messed up things were, i can not believe how far we have come. and it's all because of the tiny human being that now consumes our lives. i couldn't be more thankful for our amazing memories of the past, and more to come in just a few months!

now, this morning i woke up and was playin on facebook when i read something that REALLY pissed me off. 
most of you more than likely know, but i went through my entire labor and delivery, Cesarean Section, and recovery, on my own. i had the help of my friend Amber when Ryder arrived, but the moment i came home, that was it. it was just me.
how people say you shouldnt walk up stairs, lift heavy things, over do it, yadda yadda, i did it all. i really had no choice. i wasn't happy about it at all, but i knew nothing could be done, i could get no help, so i survived.
one of my friends had her gallbladder removed recently, surgery right? her husband is deployed with mike and they have a 5 month old son.
they're sending him home t help her recover.
i want to rip someones head off!
how is this ANY different than my surgery? and dealing with a newborn?! and they wouldn't do shit about my situation. when things began to get difficult, i emailed our FRO about how i wasn't handling recovery too well, how i was alone, how i was struggling. and she told me to talk to the Chaplain.
but now they're sending a husband home!?
i emailed our FOR, months, and months before they even left to ask for a month extension. i don't give a shit about Deployment, him being away isn't all that difficult. but me being alone giving birth, was. not just physically, but emotionally as well! i am SO relieved that all went smoothly, i was terrified Ryder would have to be admitted to Balboa for something and it would make everything a million times harder.
[props to the ladies that have to go through that!]
but i don't understand how, i get a "go talk to the chaplain" now.
and "there's nothing we can do about it" months ago.
and she gets to have her husband home to recover?
i was PERFECTLY fine with Mike not being able to be here. i understood and accepted it. but now that i see that my family is being treated differently than anothers family in the same unit? i am livid beyond belief!
one day she will notice that i have blocked her from my facebook, she's such a sweet girl, but reading her oh so happy statuses about her husband being home taking care of her, would just add more fuel to this fucked up fire.
people saying "maybe theres more to the story"
there isn.t
she was sick, she had surgery, she has a family member in this city, they have a young child.
i was pregnant, i had surgery, i had NO ONE, and i had a newborn.
it just isn't fucking fair.
by the time he gets back to California, the healing process will be more than likely almost done, if not bearable. 
good to know the unit only looks out for half of us.
it makes no sense how us Nelsons can never catch a god damn break.

i survived everything i have been through for months.
yes, that makes me stronger, and not a fucking pansy like the people that don't go through what  have been. sure, i'll always take pride in that.
but really?
i have lost all respect, for a handful of people.
and i am completely over this fucking Deployment.

all i need is my husband and my son.