Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Day 60; my Strong and Steady.

Day 60; Operation Deployment.
first, before i start talking about my day, since i post this on facebook, i want to know how many people ACTUALLY read this. so, if you do, please "like" below. :)

So, i have been trying to decide what to do to get away from this place and Michaels ghost. well today, i just had him followin me even more. BUT, i managed to get out of twentynine damn palms.
oddly enough on the way home, i was happy to be back. funny how when you leave, you always want to run back.

just getting into the truck was a feat for me. the radio is always haunted with old songs, no matter WHAT i listen to, it somehow has him in all the words.
except Spanish, i never know what the hell they're saying.
not to mention i was headed to places we've been before.
i was nervous, because i had never driven farther than yucca myself, but, holding my breath and all through the zigzag, i faced my fear and made it.
we stopped off at Ballards and bought my BOOTS.
if you have been around me the last week or two, you'd know how excited i was.
Mike and i stopped in there during predeployment leave and i was so stoked. but, my feet were hugely swollen due to the wee man in my belly, so they didn't fit. and i knew that whatever size i got, i couldn't wear until now, and they might be too big.
so, iwent and i got them. and instantly they won my heart. i haven't felt that way since i got my Brooks. it was an amazing feeling. yes, falling in love with two pieces of hard leather, don't judge me!
then, we were off to the mall. i was a little nervous on a California highway, but i quickly got over it. it wasn't much different than 80/94. 
we went to the mall where i was in search of jeans.
and let me tell you, yourself, with a baby, and no one else, basically sucks. 
i attempted manuevering this stupid stroller through stores and kept running into things because most places, have NO room.
i wanted to punch slow walking people in front of me that took up the entire walkway so i couldn't pass.
then, he was hungry, right after i sat and had lunch myself, while he slept.
i hated sitting there at a table stuffing my face alone. not to mention trying to push a stroller and juggle a plate of food. and whenever i went to sit down at a table at the end, some random ONE person, that apparently couldnt walk a few more feet to an inside table, sat down. and i wasn't about to squeeze through people and chairs, so i walked around like an idiot for a few minutes, playing musical fucking chairs. you'd think that'd make me eat more, you know, eating my feelings? no. i got tired of the food fast, sighed, and kept walking.
so anyway, my hungry baby. i couldn't very well take him out, and he was yelling so i didn't feel like battling mannequins and displays to get back to the food court and feed him in the family lounge. so with one hand i held his bottle to his mouth, while pushing the stroller, and looking at clothes.
i ended the trip getting me some jeans and shorts, seeing as i have one pair of jeans that still fit, and two pairs of shorts. neither base appropriate, lol. and some outfits and jammies for Ryder.
which i realized, i have a skinny kid and it will be extremely hard to find pants that fit him in the future, just like his daddy. a pair of 0-3 month jammies, i could fit TWO of him in.
and i swear he's like daddy's little banker. he got fussy towards the end like "mommy, lets go. no more buying!"
the drive home, i was weaving in and out of traffic, like we use to do.
i was following a blue crotch rocket, like i use to. just, clearly, wasn't my husband or his bike.
the radio was still poking at my heart.
driving long distances reminds me of Mike anyhow. the first week we met, i drove six hours to Evansville to see Kelsey Jo, him and i texting the entire way there.
the roads are the roads we use to hold hands on.
i smiled, i laughed, and i cried, going to and from Palm Springs.
i'm turning into such a big baby. but yes, everything reminds me of him. things are getting more and more difficult with him being gone, not easier like you'd assume. i suppose that's the second stage of Deployment? can i make a list of all these damn stages? because i know they're true, i know they apply! and not just to me.
the mix and wheel of emotions we go through during the 7 months their gone. it's retarded.
all i wanted to do was get out of this city, and have his ghost stop following me for a few hours, i figured, maybe i could breathe. that wasn't the case. the trip made things harder. i couldn't wait to get back.
but when i was back, i was happy because i had my boots, lmao.

Mike has always been my strong and steady. when i met him, i was a mess, just a bunch of pieces scattered down roads i never want to go again. but he came along and glued them all back in place, and places his heart in the middle. i've been trying to be okay without him. without talking to him during the week. and days usually past fairly quickly. but being here without him just isn't the same. i've never lived completely on my own. the entire last year i have depended on him, in some way. his touch, his face, his voice, his letters, to get through the day. and now, i get nothing most days and it's tough. that's the beauty of it all.
at least, through all of this i can honestly say. it hasn't changed the way i look at my husband. a lot of people need to talk to them everyday, or their minds start to change, they might sway and stray a little. but not me. in fact it makes me love him and appreciate him more. though i miss him i know I'm lucky to have him to miss. i just, would really like my husband home now. it sucks being a solo parent with the ties of loving someone so much and they can't be there.

Michael Patrick, Hurry Home.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Day 59; One Year Ago.

Day 59; Operation Deployment.

One year ago today, i awoke from my bed, in my house, in Indiana.
the last morning as a single woman.
i had all my bags packed and in my truck, and i was headed to the Chicago O'Hare Airport to pick up the man that would, that very day, become my husband.
i paid the tolls, i parked in the parking garage, over an hour early [can you tell i was stoked?!]
and waited, the one thing i would have to learn to do.
i got the text that his plane had landed and he was on his way to me. i waited at the bottom of the escalator and bam, there he was. the most handsome man, ever.
and in a few hours, we'd make things official!
we held hands as we walked back to the truck, i handed over my keys, we loaded up, and off we went.
i knew this was going to be the best weekend of my life.

no one on his side knew he was in Indiana. no one even knew we were getting married that day. that's what made the adventure up to new buffalo even more fun. seeing as we drove straight through Hammond. i asked him if this bothered him, driving through his own city and not stopping to see anyone and he told me no. he was here to marry me, not to visit them. we even stopped at our secluded spot and uh.. made.. sandwiches? which, i got a battle wound from. the lever to put the drivers seat back, kinda dug into my leg. while i was.. uh... reaching for the, mayonnaise? yea, that works. :D
the drive up to Michigan was more than likely one of the best times of my life. here we were, two young lovers, going to get married. in my old beat up pickup truck, we talked about our future together. our babies, where we wanted to live. our hopes and goals and dreams. he had one hand on the wheel and the other on my heart. i was in love with him even more.
the whole 5 hour drive, neither one of us stopped smiling.

We stayed at the firefly resort for the weekend, in a little one bedroom cottage with a fireplace and everything. it was, perfect. finally, our first little get away where we didn't have to deal with anyone else. we set out bags down and.. made more sandwiches! bahaha. while he showered and i began to get ready before guests started arriving.
my mommy and daddy got there first, my mom was basically already in tears.
my family started coming, Tim with beer in his hand for our toast. all the Paterson men in either a striped shirt, or a solid one. all the Paterson women looking amazing. 
Monica did my hair as Aunt Cathy laughed at mike for ironing even his cover.
we got dressed in the same room because it didn't matter to us about "not seeing the bride until shes walking down the alter" and my mommy gave me our Precious Moments Wedding figurine. 
Mike went outside to get ready and i walked out with my mom and dad, after my sister and Tim signed our marriage license as the witnesses.
this, was it.

i wore a crown because i was always Michaels princess.
i wore my pretty white satin summer dress.
an i held my mama's hand, and linked my arm with my daddy's.
as Grace and Drew walked in front of us, to the man of my dreams.
my daddy placed my hand in Michael's.
as my mama started crying.
we looked into each others eyes and the way we saw it, even if no one else believe we were right for one another. we knew we would never be right for anyone else.
we said our vows and when he went to kiss me, our first as husband and wife, he took his cover off. 
it was the best kiss of my life. :)

we took about a million and four pictures. towards the end my aunts and cousins had to make sex jokes so Mike wouldn't have such a forced smile, lmao. we had to look at about, six different cameras. Mike had never been in a situation like that. but my family, EVERY moment is documented.
after we shared our toast, with beer or course, and smashed cake into one another face. and slow danced to "Then" by Brad Paisley, the inevitable happened.
before we even changed out of our wedding attire, we updated our facebook statuses to let the entire world know.
heading out to dinner with my entire family, the phone calls started. and no one was even remotely happy for the two of us.
they, of course, blamed it all on me.
there was, a lot of yelling. and a lot of mike ignoring his constant ringing phone.
the deed was done. he wanted it this way. he knew not many would support him. and if he told people before hand, that someone would ruin things for him. and he owed it to me, for our special moment, NOT to be ruined like it always was.
i had every opportunity to tell his friends and family. but i didn't. i had to respect my future husbands wishes. why would i go behind him to tell people i didn't like anyway? he is capable of making choices on his own, ot everything is my doing.
but i digress.

that weekend, was so amazing. just him and i.
we went to our resorts private beach to swim. we walked the dunes of New Buffalo. we watched the sunset at the Michigan City Lighthouse. 
we were uh, full, from all the sandwhich making we were doing.
and we just enjoyed each others company.
honestly, looking back, that weekend was the best i ever had with him. i will never forget a single moment of it. 
the next day it was time to pack up and head back to the airport. after talking to his mom, we decided to stop by there for an hour on the way back. i, was honestly nervous. lol.
when we walked in, it was quiet. his mom pointed at me, like she was going to place blame and for the first time, mom stepped in front of me, telling her that it was his choice, not mine. i had nothing to do with it.
all his friends heard he was in Hammond so they came by too. all standing in the kitchen, i felt invisible. but for once, that didn't bother me. i had what i deserved. and they could never ever change that, as hard as they had tried before. it was them that got treated wrong like i had so many, many times before.
and before i knew it, it was finally time to leave.
 i got a visitors pass so that i could sit with him in the terminal. i was worried we were going to be late and we ran through security.
well it turns out, his flight was delayed a few hours. knowing he had to be back in Jacksonville at a certain time, we stood in a 3 hour long line to try to get things changed. 
i enjoyed the extra time, lol. 
but then it was time for him to go. we hugged and kissed goodbye and i walked to the window, holding his goodbye letter from him, and watched him look for me, thinking i had already left. but i just wanted another kiss when he handed his ticket off.
when i could no longer see him, with a heavy heart, i walked back to the truck. i read his letter, wiped my tears, and drove home. the home that would no longer be, soon enough.

this year, has been one of the best, the most joyous, and the most difficult of my life. we have had good moments, better moments, and the worst of moments. there were many times where i thought we weren't going to make it. there are some things ive said that i'd like to take back. there's some things he's done that he'd like to take back. regardless of it all, we did make it.
one year down and Forever Forever to go.
Loved You Once.
Love You Still.
Always Have.
Always Will.

May 29th, 2010. <3

Day 58; Love Is...

Day 58; Operation Deployment.

for almost the first time in my life, i am currently near speechless at all the built up emotions that are locked inside my tiny body.
everything is so jumbled up, i feel like i might throw up every word i have ever said or thought.
there is no right way to spill my heart out.
but i can start by saying this;

I Am Happy.
though i am currently sitting with tears on the verge of spilling out all over the keyboard.

all this Deployment has made me do, is sit, and think.
i went back to the beginning of Michael and I's relationship, the very first day we met, and forced myself to re live every single day we spent together. every goodbye, every hello. every happy moment, but mostly every fight.
since day one, things were never really ideal.
in all honesty, i never imagined myself falling for a guy like Mike.
a skinny kid that listened to rap and carried around a skateboard. honestly, i think it was the motorcycle at first. that's all it was. a silly little dream, dating a bad boy.
never in a million years did i expect things to be this way.
there was so many times in the first three months, that i should have walked away from him. i remember one time, maybe a month and a half into dating. that we were laying on his bed. and i told him, i couldn't do this. i didn't want to be with a man that was going to be gone for more than half of our lives. that i didn't know if i could stay with someone i barely knew, while they were away for three months. and that was just the first time. i remember, getting up and grabbing my MP3 player and walking out of his house. i was a block and a half away when i heard heavy footsteps running up behind me, and Mike reaching for my hand. my shoving him away, telling him, this wasn't what i wanted. him holding me, and telling me it was going to be alright.
honestly, most of our relationship was never really fair to me. i never got my time with him, i have always shared him. i was always treated the same though i had done so much more for him than anyone had ever tried to do. so many times i just held my tongue. so many times there was always two sides to the story. mine; the truth. and theirs; what they wanted to hear. 
i always hoped that one day, he would marry me. 
never had i imagined him breaking up with me.
i should have seen it coming, in March when he came to Indiana. he had tried telling me he wasn't going to put me through this anymore back in MCT. which was only a few weeks before.
i relived that week, that, god awful week. and still i have no idea what happened. i rethought about the rumor that was spread. i cried over it. i threw it back and forth thinking, what if it really was true? that Mike hadn't told me for the sake of the both of us? and what if, years down the line, he sat me down and told me, that it actually happened. what would i do?
that answer is; Nothing.
Nothing will ever happen to us, no matter what has happened. that ONE simple thing, would more than likely hurt less, than some of the emotional battles i dealt with. I can never give up on him, on us.

being with Michael, has never been easy. i don't see it getting any easier any time soon either.
i have dealt with his friends and every harsh word that have tried to throw at me. i let it hurt me for the longest time. no longer does it. the arguments and disagreements of his family and i. they never understood how i could possibly love him so much in such a short time. or how could he. he honestly saved my life in summer 2009. and in retrospect, i also saved his. we survived the break up, that whole week of my heart being shattered. but the moment we were face to face, it all melted away. we have fought of important things and stupid things. we have both said and done mean things to the other, whether realizing it or not. and many, many times, i have wanted to walk away from him. i never gave up. and look where we are now.

the truth is.
Michael and i will forever be part of the other.
i no longer worry that he will change his mind on me.
because honestly, if either one of us ever does.
i know for a fact, that it won't be for good.
i know that all it will take is him coming to get Ryder for the weekend, and our hearts will blend back together. a fire will be relit. 
no, us being apart will never be forever.

people didn't expect us to last through boot camp. they actually even put themselves between us in the situation to attempt to stop it.
we pulled through it, together.
people thought they had finally won in March when what happened, happened. but they don't know what he was whispering in my ear when we were together.
we pulled through it, together.
people thought Mike was too smart to marry me. that he would see me as the monster they made me out to be. they never expected him to chose me, over them.
he did.
and we also pulled through that, together.
we are not fighting our most difficult battle. it's just the three of us now. 
people will never understand it.
and that's what makes it love.

through all our pictures and memories, i have enjoyed watching the two of us grow together. and now, adding our precious son into the mix of our life.
the moment he stepped onto that white bus, everything changed.
and though i was worried that when he came back, things wouldn't be how they needed to be, i no longer have that doubt in him.
he's going to be the most amazing dad to Ryder.
this Deployment has strengthened our love to such an extent that we will be a better husband and wife to the other.
we are no longer fighting against each other, but fighting along side the other. and we are going to make everything work.
he told me today he couldnt wait to meet his little "life changer"
and Ryder, is just that.
when he comes home we start the next chapter of our lives together.
and i can promise you, nothing will ever be the same as before.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Kimberly's Deployment Checklist.

Deployment Check List.

ah; what my life consists of before my sweet husband comes home.


Care Packages;
First. Sent. "The Things He Forgot." lol.
Second. Sent. "Congratulations Daddy."
Third. Sent. "One Year Wedding Anniversary."
Fourth. Sent. "Happy First Daddy's Day."
Fifth. Finished, Not Sent. "Happy 24th Birthday."
Sixth. Almost Finished, Not Sent. "Nom, Nom, Nom."
Seventh. Started."Been Together Two Whole Years."

Ryders Sign.
My Sign.
Our Family Sign.
House Sign.
Decorate Car.
Decorate House.
Ryders outfit.
My outfit.

flag photos in frames.
Ryders monthly boards;
post-it countdown.
Ryders room. :)
Donut of Misery.

Books I've Read;

Will be adding more and more as the months pass.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Day 57; all banged up

 Operation Deployment; 8 Weeks Down!

Day 57; Operation Deployment.
Day 36; Baby Ryder.

this ^^^  is my amazing one year wedding anniversary box that i mailed to my husband in Afghanistan. Our Anniversary is in TWO days.
and this morning i woke up and hey! it's found it's way back to my doorstep.
i was, super stoked. i SWEAR, that's my husbands handwriting. or someone chopped off his hand and re wrote it. and i know he's sent me a box from Afghanistan. so i figured, boxes were short, he just retaped it all, slapped a label on it, and sent it back.
but when i opened it, it was all the stuff i had sent him almost three weeks ago.
what the hell?
it had no "return to sender" it still had to form to Mike on the bottom of it. there was no reason for it to be sent back. and as i said, did it make it there and get sent back? i know Mike didn't send it back without opening it. was there some mix up with his box going on and this one coming him?
needless to say i was pretty ticked off. here i was, trying to rush and get it to him in time, knowing it'd be a few days late. but now it's going to be a few WEEKS late.
are you kidding me?
i went to mail another box from the place on base i always do, and asked them what the hell was up. even THEY couldn't begin to explain it to me.
all i know is now, my husband will get our anniversary box a month after our anniversary, and it was already beat up, so it's going to be DOUBLY beat up by the time it gets there.
thank god the inside was lined in boxer briefs, lmao.
they resent it for free, and i shipped out my other box.
so, I'm hoping that it makes it to him!

I love how connected Mike and i are.
the night before last i had a dream about him over there that made me pretty nervous. and since communication is down, i don't hear from him during the week. it's very rare that i worry about his safety. i think he has a better chance to smashing his face with a wrench than actual combat. but this dream, among my many other weird dreams this week, stuck with me. so i sent him an email, telling him that i couldn't wait to hear from him, that i needed to, because i was nervous.
and this morning he calls me.
he never got online.
because he had been thinking about me all day, and something told him he needed to call me, to hear his wifes voice. i just thought that was amazing. that he had that feeling, even though he had no idea what was going on, or anything about my dream.
it made me feel good, made my heart melt. i was so happy.
we had a half hour phone call. it was all i needed, it made my day, quite honestly.

i have noticed how i live for him coming home. care packages are what get me through weeks of all this. and planning for homecoming and even beginning projects, so I'm not crammed for time right before he gets home, is what i live for now. 
though, i'm going to clean my whole house this weekend. and get on track and begin a schedule on Monday and stick by it. makes days go by faster. especially when we sleep until noon, lol!

and i love our little boy. he's starting to smile when he's awake now, a happy little baby. and it breaks my heart that mike can't be here to see it all. it gets a little bit tougher everyday. Ryder is growing a personality, he's awake more, we bond more. he's my best friend, we do everything together and i couldnt imagine my life without him right now. he reminds me more and more of Michael every single day and reminds me of how lucky i am to have these two wonderful boys in my life, for now and forever. he honestly makes me fall more and more in love with not just him, but his daddy, every day. he's soooo handsome. sometimes i just stare at him, and feel my eyes well up with tears. my tiny little baby boy. the best gift Mike has ever given me. he has made our little family so incredibly strong in such a difficult time. such a small being, has made the biggest of differences in our little world.

I love my boys.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Day 56; I Love This Life.

Day 56; Operation Deployment.
Day 35; Baby Ryder.

i can honestly say that everything in my life is in it's right place.
i love my husband now, more than ever. i am seeing such amazing changes in him and i know that when he comes back, everything will be different. we will be better, we will make an amazing team. he has shown me so incredibly much lately and i couldn't have higher hopes for the daddy is will come home to be. as well as a husband. re reading through all our old memories, looking at our old photographs, and watching old videos, i still marvel at the fact on how far we have come as a couple. how all the battles to stay together, and the battles between him and i, have gotten us to this strong point in both our lives. reliving our memories makes me fall in love with him more and more each and every day. even if we currently can't talk often. i know nothing can ever tear us apart now. it's my boys and i against this world.
try to break us.

being in this house without him, in this city. 
everything reminds me of him. it's beginning to make my heart ache. his shadow is always with me, walking right beside me. whether it be a song, a flashback, any memory. he is always here. it makes me miss him more. i barely sleep anymore, knowing he's waiting for me in my dreams and my dreams are always playing tricks on me. i tell him all my dreams, he tells me i need to stop drinking at night, lol. and says i have nothing to worry about. and for once, i know that's true.

i love my friends. i honestly couldnt have asked for a better family away from my own. Monique and i hang out almost every day that she's here. we've taken up Zumba together. we sit around and talk about Mike and Steven, and we've gotten SO incredibly close, that each others husbands are almost our own. we get their names mixed up all the time, though, Mikes a scrawny little white boy, and Stevens a meaty black guy.
it just works for us, lol!
we were sitting in Lisettes living room, surrounded by boxes and paints and decorations and care package items the other night when we decided to start playing with Mo's video camera on the TV.
up popped my husband that, can't dance. and Steven and Reyes dancing on xbox kinect. there was videos from the Boyds old house. and then we watched the night right before they left, how she videos her conversation with Steven. just the things he said, i laughed, i cried. 
we cry over each others husbands, that's just how close we are now.
at the concert when Mike was IMing me, he told me something personal and Monique actually read it before i did. i looked at her and her eyes were all teared up. then i read it and i did too. we have no shame. we're our own little family.
it's nice having someone to do care packages with, to talk to that's going through the same exact thing at the same exact time. in a land where our husbands are doing the same exact thing. 

everything about this Deployment has already changed me, not even two months in. 
i have become more of an independant strong woman, when it came the time to raise a newborn all on my own. not only did i have to become a Solo Mommy for a little while but i was also wife, daddy, a husband, a dog walker, a housekeeper, a cook, a grocery shopper, a bill payer, and a laundry specialist. honestly, it hasn't been easy. there are some really rough days. but then my son does something that just takes all the pain away from me. he is honestly, my partner in life. he's my best friend, my little man. we do everything together and i have no idea where i would be right now without him.
i have grown up and realized the important things in life. first and foremost, my family. i HAVE to do whats right for my two boys now. that's the only thing that really matters. sure, i might not be too happy with the way things have gotten, or the people that i have lost, but i did it all for a reason. there's one in particular that i miss talking to. but she's linked to the posionous people in Michaels life that i simply can not subject my son to.
he counts on me in every way possible to protect him.
when you have an almost 9 pound life to protect, you throw your own feelings aside and sit and thing and do what you think is right. no matter what that means. 
my life revolves around my husband and my son.
a little boy that carries around his teal binky, and an amazing man that carries around a rifle.
my heart just swells when i think about what an amazing life i'm living. and how much better it will be when he gets back. 
i am so thankful that every piece is falling into its place and that when he does get back, nothing will be the same as before. a fresh start, a brand new page.
just the three of us.

i love you Michael Patrick,
and i love you, Michael Ryder.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Day 53; I Did It All Right.

Day 53; Operation Deployment.
Day 30; Baby Ryder.

this past week i have been wrapped up in old memories of him and i.
writing our story in two composition notebooks.
our "memory day" books from day one of us being together.
old picture where he had hair, that motorcycle and skateboard.
the days where things were easy, and he was always next to me at night.
the times right after our first hello.
the times right before our first goodbye.
and all the days between the first and the hardest.
through all our battles aod struggles, second guessing or doubts.
there really is only one thing i do know.

from the beginning;
i have always loved him with my entire heart.

i have always done things right.
even if not everyone thinks so.
but when it has come to Michael, for the past year and nine months, i have loved him with ever ounce of me. i have always stood beside him and supported him, never in front of, or behind him.
i gave him the confidence he needed to join.
i followed him to wherever he needed me to be. and i was his courage when he was my strength.
i have given him a life he never could have imagined with anyone else, and that's exactly the reason why he chose to marry me.
it doesn't matter how long we knew each other, it didn't matter what anyone else said. all that simply mattered was how very much we loved on another.
i married my husband after nine months of knowing him.
he was here for three, gone for three, a ten day leave and weekends in between.
but all we needed were a few days, a few moments, laughs and giggles.
we knew by day two that we were going to make it through, so much more in life than we ever would have imagined. and we did it together.

i did it all right.
and most of all, i never gave up.
baby, i never will.

I'm going to get off here, and work on his next care package.
while listening to all our old songs.
and going through old pictures.
writing all our memories, for another sad and lonely day.
i love you, Michael Patrick. my whole entire world!

February 25, 2010.
i love you for you contagious laugh, that simple easy smile. that funny face in photos, memories that will last awhile. i love the way you look at me. when i'm sitting across the room. i love you for your beautiful eyes, that shine brighter than the moon. i love you holding me through every tear i have cried. i love that desperate kiss at each and every goodbye. i love the way you smile at me when we wake up side by side. i love that illy shotgun fart, okay, maybe that's a lie. i love it when you wash my hair, our bodies skin on skin. i love it when your eyes shed tears, it means you're finally letting me in. i love the way our bodies move on your ninja late at night. i love the way you cling to me, begging for things to be alright. i love the way you sign your letters p.s. i love you and forever forever. i love the way you know my heart, and that no one knows you better. i love the way you save me from the side effects of alcohol. like making sure i hit the toilet, rather than hitting the wall. i love the way your hand fits so perfectly in mine. and the mornings we wake up in our bed, so perfectly entwined. i love the way you hold yourself, wherever we may go. you walk to tall, so strong, so proud, i love how i've watched you grow. i love the way you make my heart race. when you're standing next to me. i love that you think i'm beautiful in just my sweats and your favorite tee. i love the very way you speak, every sentence and word out of place. i love the way you make me swoon, with such goofy romantic grace. every imperfection, and every tiny flaw. i love you for everything you are, and everything you're not at all. <3

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Day 51; Week Seven Down.

Day 51; Operation Deployment.
Day 28; Baby Ryder.

Well, another week down. Week 7 Demolished.
and honestly, it's getting harder and harder being away from him.
it doesn't help that communication is down, so for the next few weeks we won't get to talk much.
everyday i wake up and hold our son, the one thing he wants to do more than anything.
everyday Ryder does something that i wish i could call Mike into the room, or even grab my phone and text him about. but i can't.
i don't know when he can check my emails, or get online at all for that matter.
i don't know when he will get my letters or my care packages.
all that makes all this, and him, seem so much farther away than normal.
things with Michael are changing fast. finally it feels like were on the same page. finally it seems like all the missing pieces are back in place. except, he's not here.
we had so many hope and wants for when the baby got here, we talked about it since before boot camp even. and he isn't here to make it all make sense for me.
i have no idea how to make all this better for him, from here. i try as best as i can.
i just hate how all three of us, my husband, our son, and i, wake up every morning with broken hearts from being apart. it's sad, but i know Ryder knows somethings missing.
it's been a rough week of missing him now, more than ever.
it doesn't help that i stay up late writing our story or looking at old photographs, or writing him letters.
he, is honestly, the only thing on my mind.
no matter what it is that i happen to be doing.
::sighs:: Oh Michael Patrick.

i promised you that i'd be waiting.
at HomeComing you'll see i do.
You promised me to Come Home Safe.
baby, please Come Home Soon.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Day 47xtwo; Memory Lane.

i told you today i was a mess, well, tonight is just much worse.
but with every single word that i read in my journal beginning with boot camp, i fall more in love with my husband. and i realize, so, so much.
how strong we were after only knowing one another for 3 months, for him to leave for the same amount of time.
i want to blog some things i wrote, as to never forget them.

09 NOV 09.
"in my journal at the beginning of the year i wrote;
One day a man is going to come into my life and sweep me off my feet, never let me go. love me and never change that. see all my scars and believe that I'm beautiful, and love me for everything i am, and everything that I'm not. because no one else is billy. and when that day comes i might as well turn around and just walk away. because i simply have nothing left of myself to give.
and i didn't have much to give. but to Michael, that was always enough. for the past 3 months  havent been able to remember what pain felt like. i have been treated the way i should have been all along. he has seen every scar, and has never thought of me as any less beautiful than the day that we met. he is the most amazing man in the world."

14 NOV 09.
"and there i stood. face to face with my abuser in the form of every memory we had ever made. cleaning my room i ran into memories i have been forever trying to escape. they were bleeding through the floorboards. the one thing i can never erase. i wonder how and why i was so naive to stay with him for so long. and where i found the strength to keep living the time that i did."
[in regards to my year and a half abusive relationship that Michael helped me let go of. i still think it's beautiful.]

14 NOV 09.
[on a happier note.]
"each day my adoration for that man grows. i hope when he gets home he's still that goofy blue eyed kid that comes in at the end of the day smelling of the cool breeze and sweet seat; that little boy smell. i hope he still smiles at me from across the room and thinks that i am beautiful in pjs and a ponytail. the sweet boy that holds me tight every night and rolls around with me in the morning. i hope that when he has to leave again, he misses me even more. and as much as i wonder these things, deep down, i really do know. that some things never change. i day dream about the day we will meet again. what i'll wear. what he'll say. i long for that "next first kiss". i count down the days, 10 more weeks, 10 more Sundays."

16 NOV 09.
"i couldnt be more happy as everyday starts to unfold. i never thought i could ever feel this way. how could i, after what i had just survived? how could i possibly trust a guy, who was such a rebel? but when i think back and look at our memories, the very little pieces of us, i can't help but to fall in love all over again. all i have is our entire book or memories, that will never stop, they are all impossible to forget. they keep me going. i wake up on these lonesome mornings and i keep looking at my phone. our goofy picture. that day i became his cinderella in a pickup truck. our moment. frozen in time. captured. forever, forever."
[and when i talked about the first time we made love i said "it didn't last very long but it was enough to get me to start falling for him." LMAO. i just thought it was humorous!]

17NOV 09.
"i am battling this ghost. the ghost of him. giving me his heart. playing his guitar. every snuggle. all the love, as well as baby making. all our heart to hearts. his room. the kitchen. that shower. i am here. he is not. he is all i need to breathe and i feel like i am suffocating. nothings the same. his room is far too quiet. his phone isn't plugged in. the radio isn't on. he's not laying in his spot. it's so hard not being able to reach out and touch him right now. i look for him. he isn't there. i reach out into nothingness. i call his name. i breathe him all in. our memories. i close my eyes. but i can no longer feel him."

"the only thing i am sure of, is that Michael loves me. nothings been the same since he left. scrolling through all our pictures i am drawn to things i never noticed before. his soft hands placed gently on mine. the way his eyes shine brighter when i look at him. every captured moment, it all seems so different now. i hate that. he had to leave but i couldn't ask him to stay. i wonder how i am possibly getting by without the man i call my life."

"he's my glue. my put back together. he isn't here. so i play my own humpty dumpty as i sit on this wall. every day i teeter, i taughter, but i can't seem to fall.."
[love this!]
"I can't tell you how dearly i hold all our memories. geesh, that first night ride. that night i remember the most. because it was the night i fell in love with him. something about the way our bodies moved in perfect sequence on all the curves on the bike. my hands placed gently on the hem of his leather jacket, or comfortable around his waist, my head on his shoulder as we rode around Cedar Lake. the jokes on all those empty roads. just him and i, the jokes on all those empty roads. just him and i, we always got so far together, with no destination in mind. i never felt as complete as i did with my Michael. from the very beginning. i think i lost my heart the first time he smiled at me. or the first time he kissed me by the lake. maybe it was those nerdy ass clears. i couldnt tell him, but i knew i loved him then.
I remember almost everything about our summer. my handsome lover. i remember when i kept him in during sex, only two weeks into our story. the look on his face. i thought he was going to be pissed, and i bawled my eyes out as he showered. but he came downstairs and held me. never mentioned the morning after pill. this was it. then it was such an interesting "what if" which matured into a baby name. as well as seeing his eyes light up whenever he play boarded over my invisible belly. how he'd casually mention that i might be eating for two whenever i didn't eat. or made a baby bump with his arms when he stood behind me. each time we risked it, became a little bit more serious. the butterflies in my tummy every single time he told me, we would be safe, but then he chose not to be. because he "wouldn't mind being stuck with me forever" it never happened, and everytime, his face fell. because i changed his mind on everything, including starting a family. but soon enough we will have our beautiful Lakai Ryder Nelson. [and so, Ryder came about. from the beginning of our story.]
I cherish our alone time memories the most. very rare did we use this time for sex. everyone had already heard it, so we used this time for things without all of them. the night they all went to doty. we half watched a movie and joked around. the pillow fight at midnight in the middle of the Meijer parking lot. the night he serenaded me with his guitar. waking up on Sundays, which, from his letters, he says he misses the most. how we'd put on Tom and Jerry and stay in bed another hour. our sweetest day sob fest, epiphany by Staind, no i still can't listen to that song. our snuggles in the fall rain storm, going to Van Tils for marshmellows and choclate for smores in the microwave. dancing in the kitchen to no music, just our heart song. our showers, where half of our time was spent. drilling. talking. me washing his hair, him washing mine. our slick bodies as one. all those little moments like holding hands in the car, everywhere we went. his handsome profile in the summer sunlight. his hands clutching his tyrant skateboad. that's where it all is.
if Michael only knew it. honestly, how very much i loved him. i still wake up every morning, even if i have to wipe tears from my eyes, and wonder how i got so lucky. no longer do i think it's too good to be true. this is all so incredibly real. he's forever, forever. since day one, i've loved him, and him i. i know he knew it then. though at times it gets difficult, it's all worth it.
just knowing at the end of the day, even if the Marine Corps has him, he's still mine. he saw me when no one else saw me, he made me UN invisible. he made me his. he made me fearless. he's made me, me. i cant wait to see him in san diego. kiss him. whisper "baby we made it" he's all i have ever wanted. and i'll never stop loving him."


"Michael always has a way of making me put my foot in my mouth."
[lmao, till true.]

"the only thing i was ver really good at was being invisible. it's not that things feel any different actually, it feels like he never ever left. his hair is shorter, his walk is taller, but he's my same old boy. and once he leaves again, it'll feel like he was never even here at all.

"you know this struggle. falling to pieces on a very ordinary thursday. when i wake up and grab his picture and the last letter he gave me and put them in my pocket. i put on his boot camp company shirt, one of the only one's i've worn since he left. it put it on and feel the property of a us marine dogtag and the mizpah coin, the other half with him, hit me in the chest. my empty chest, because my hearts a thousand miles away. walking through the halls where no one knows your name, where you've been, or what you face. praying to just get through another day. wiping away the tears and putting on your face of brave. and no one really understand what it takes, to be in the Silent Ranks."
[Something you'll never see. my hero has a set of wings. dogtags hang from around his neck. and a pair of boots on his feet.]

"i have never been in love before. love with Michael makes me reach for more. i feel it not only in my heart, but my body and soul. i love everything about him. the way he walks, the way he speaks. the way he smiles and the way he breathe. every second to every day, i think about him, always."

things between Michael and i have changed drastically since we've met one another, not yet even two years ago. we've grown as individuals, and even more so as a couple. these are just a few journal entries i wrote while he was away at Boot Camp. yes, there we're some not so good day one's as well. but these, will forever melt my heart. i will never forget a single day of our life together. reading back to these, i am in awe. through thick and thin, we will always, always, make it through.
i love you, Michael Patrick Nelson.
Forever, Forever.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Day 48; beat me up.

Day 48; Operation Deployment.
Day 25; Baby Ryder.

Today, i very, very much miss my husband.
i think it all started last night when i was trying to sort through our pictures on our laptop to free up space and organize things better and i ran into old memories.
like the picture above.

before boot camp, Mike saw a video on YouTube of a Marine Drill Sergeant yelling at a Recruit.trying to get him to lose his bearing, making fun of the "pizza box" on his chest.
i never watched the skit, but when Mike did part of it, it always made me laugh.
whenever there was talk of him leaving, which he would always cover my ears.
or a commercial or Marine movie on tv, in which he would cover my eyes.
he would do it for me to get me to smile.
i recorded it once, it's on the end of the photo slideshow i did when he left.
and this is a snapshot of the video. 
it goes:
:pizza, in a box. i train, i bungiejump, for free, for fun, on the weekends. you know why? because I'm a Marine, OORAH!"
i know, pretty retarded right? that was my husband.
he always knows how to make me laugh.

and then today Britney brought over the photo slideshow of all Ryders pictures.
this was after i went shopping for Care Packages 4 and 5. 
and i watched it, with my crying son in my arms, rocking him back and forth. and the songs REALLY hit me.
so, i started crying. 
and i continued to cry for a good 45 minutes afterwards.
all lost in pictures and thoughts, it hit me hard.
so, i let the Deployment beat me up tonight, knowing tomorrow, i'll just kick its ass back.
i miss you babe, like, a lot, a lot.
Homecoming isn't as far away as it was when you left.
i'm so thankful for that.
[projects for homecoming arrrre started.:) ]

a certain some bitch wanted to be posted about in my blog, but, she's out of our lives now.
you're welcome. :)

i love Michael.
i have such incredibly high hopes for us when he gets home.
i know things will change, be different, be where they need to be. he's a good man, and he's going to grow up and realize who and what are important. and what's best for his son.
i need to keep reminding myself, and stop letting people get to me.
because what he says to me, and only me, is the whole entire truth. everyone else just gets a piece of the story.
i remember him telling me this right before boot camp and i let that slip my mind in every shitty situation. i won't allow myself to get to that point anymore.
i know who i am, i know who he is. 
the him only Ryder and I will ever know.
we have come wayyy too far to turn around now, for things to fall apart.
i have absolutely no worries any longer.
no one else will ever matter. <3

Come Home Safe, and Soon, my wonderful, sweet husband!
you have A LOT waiting for you.
just the three of us.

Forever Forever.
Always, Always.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Day 47; a Little Catch Up.

dAY 47; Operation Deployment.
Day 24; Baby Ryder.

So, basically everything that COULD go wrong this week, DID.
including the shutting off of my internet and cable.
so, here i am, back again. I'm sorry for disappointing you. :)

Sunday was my first Mommies Day with my beautiful baby boy. 
Saturday i was sent beautiful flowers from my husband in Afghanistan, with a card reading
"Happy First Mommies Day, I promise to come home safe and soon."
then Monique and i went to lunch, Chinese! and just relaxed around the house for the rest of the day.

And Monday slapped me in the face.
I woke up, after bringing the dogs inside in the cage because the Cement people were coming, with a VERY cranky baby.
i smell something and i go downstairs and one of them, had shit in the cage. so my entire house smelled like dog crap, my child was screaming his head off, and i had things to do.
I was upset with Mike for failing to give me the correct information i needed for his LES statement for WIC.
i went there and thankfully, i have 30 days to bring it to them.
Ryder was screaming while i juggled paperwork, and then he spit up all over the both of us.
the place was packed and smelled of mixtures of sweat, baby shit, and.. something i couldnt even put a name to. and of course, no one watches their kids so they're running around, screaming, then staring at MY screaming baby. i don't like being stared at..
thankfully, they decided to switch us to the Gentlease formula [which i have to say made the WORLD of difference.]
then we had his doctors appointment, which we were almost late for because my 1 o clock WIC appointment turned into 2 o clock, and Ryders drs appointment was at 1420. and then i had to run a fucking marathon because only the quarterdeck was open.
 again, he was screaming. so they couldn't get his heartbeats, or check his lungs, or his eyes. or, really anything for that matter.
and by that point, i had a Migraine the size of America.
all i wanted to do was take a nap.
i ran to McDonalds to get some fuel in my system because it was almost 4 o clock and i had yet to eat anything because i had to hold my small child all morning before we went because that was the only way he would calm down.
i got an ice cream cone with my food.
they handed that to me first, then my soda.
and there goes the top of my cone, right onto the lid of my soda.
i was just, done already today.

i get home to let the dogs out because i think the cement was dry, and there was MORE shit.
and not only in the cage, but they were LAYING in it.
are you kidding me?!
that was only the first time i swore at the stupid cement people.
but, i left them that way before i went insane, and i took a nap.

i woke up to, DRAMA. who would have thought?
I'm not going to sit here and trash talk this, immature little brat.
i know you all can figure out your own opinions and use your own comments.
but basically, one of Michaels little friends was running her mouth again, yes, a she.
when i had deleted her off my facebook, hadn't talked to her in a few months, hadnt said ONE word about her, she still, after almost 2 years and Mike and i being together, continously has something bad to say about me. 
the conversation ended in her telling me i was a pathetic person, a controlling shitty wife, and already, a terrible mother. and that she couldn't wait for the day that i died.
that was it, i had enough. i was NOT going to stand for this constant bullshit.
i was not going to have these people in my life any longer, and therefore, Mike had to rid his own life of them as well. by him keeping these people around, brings drama. 
so, i emailed him and i told him he needed to make a choice, all of them, or Ryder and I. because it had gone on for way, way too long. if i just packed up my stuff and left, i'd never have to deal with any of that ever again.
so, that hung over my head all week as i waited for him to get online and read that, and i was terrified that it would cause a huge fight between us, he wouldn't delete them from his facebook and stop talking to them, and then.. it would have put a giant wedge between all of us.

i had to have Monique come over later that night because Ryder was screaming and i, just really needed a break.
i drank a nice little wine cooler before i tackled cleaning the dogs.
i then covered them both in dog shampoo, still in the cage, and just hosed it all down.
i let them dry off a little then let them out to go potty.
about 10 minutes later i realized, i forgot to relatch the gate that the cement guys failed to do earlier.
son of a bitch.
so, my dogs got out.
i let Ryder with Monique and i drove around the complex calling for them.
i was so, so, so completely over today. i was pissed at the world.
i gave up trying to find them after about 15 minutes and just went home and dealt with it. telling myself i would call animal control for Indy in the morning.
Holly, was a whole other story.

my cable and internet was shut off on Tuesday.
just like every other week since i paid the bill.
i guess, the bill that has been coming to the house, and the one i've been paying, was the wrong bill.
and they tried telling me i couldn't do anything over the phone because i wasnt Mike.
i told them to literally, go fuck themselves and they better fix things.
so the guy talked to his manager, this was the week before this hell week mind you.
and they switched all the payments to the correct bill, told me i was all caught up, and kindly turned it back on, saying it was all set.
a week later, i was shut off again.

needless to say, it was a rough Monday. something else happened all other days of the week. it was so overwhelming, i honestly wanted to pack my bags and just start driving to Indiana. i needed my mom. i cried, almost every day this week because it was wayyy too much to handle. and here we are, only six months in, FML.

but, this week, is a shit ton better.
with switching Ryders formula, i have no more screaming baby. he only fusses when he's hungry and he's a MUCH happier baby. i guess the other formula didn't like his tummy much.
i only have ONE dog to worry about now. Holly ended up getting out, AGAIN. and i was just too exhausted to bother. we were going to find her a new home anyway, i guess she just chose to go find her own first. however, Indy seems fine with the change, if not even happier. and with just him, i can walk him and not feel guilty for leaving one or the other behind. it's just a better deal. besides, Indy was the start of our little family. Holly was just... something we picked up along the way.
i have my cable and internet turned back on!
my son is healthy, and happy, and even gained a whole pound this week.
we got some AMAZING photos to send to Mike now. he's going to love them.
through the irritation with my husband, and my crazy stupid thoughts, today, i love him more.
and those chicks are deleted and out of our lives. he did end up deleting them a few minutes into our conversation. he didn't ask why, i didn't really explain the full story in the email, just expressed how upset i was, and POOF, they were gone. her and her sister both.
i was shocked, but am so happy he chose us.
it's just the first step to change, for us and our little family.
and getting rid of the people that need nothing to do with our lives.

now, i am going to go give my tiny son a bath and snuggle with him while we write daddy letters and work on his next care package. :)
Stay Safe, Wherever You Are. 
Always, US.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Day 37; 5 weeks down.

Day 37; Operation Deployment.
Day 14; Baby Ryder.

so, i know i have been slacking on my posting.
having a newborn is more exhausting than i thought it would be.
i have survived 5 weeks without my husband and it has been far from easy.
i've had a few breakdowns where everything seems to be going wrong.
it'd just be sooo much easier to have a helping hand sometimes.
but all in all, I'm handling it far better than i had expected.
i miss him, a whole, whole lot. i'm already over it all. and we still have 25 weeks left.

today, my husband sent me flowers from Afghanistan. :)
they were a day early, for my first Mommy's Day.
he's so sweet and perfect. i wish i coulda just kissed his handsome face!

and then we got to skype for about 2 hours. 
in and out of connection of course.
and he got to see baby Ryder.
i wish it was here in person though!
he still has his dorky sense of humor that i love so much. and it seems like his spirits are up. just really tired all the time, and hot. just like we are here!
i love his smile.
i just hate the fact that i can't just reach out and touch him. 
but i know i have to wait for that day to come, seems so far from now.
but the time is really passing quickly.
i just hope that it stays that way for the both of us.
he's also doing MCMAP out there and earning his belts. i know that's something he really wanted, so that makes me smile for him.
starting another care package tomorrow, for our Anniversary, which isn't that far away!
man, seriously, how time really flies!
i'm just really glad things haven't really changed for us.

our son is now 2 weeks old and he grows and changes every single day.
he is the love of our lives and we can't imagine our life together without him now.
even though his daddy is so far away.
he has his daddys chin and feet and farts.
and his light colored hair from when HE was a baby.
he has such a strong personality and is stubborn like the both of us.
he's just perfect, all 8 whopping pounds of him.
because he's a lil fat kid, didn't ya know?

anyway, I'm off to read a book and fall asleep with my little munchkin.
Happy Mommy's day to all old mommies, new mommies, mommies to be, adoptive mommies, and surrogate mommies.
you are all so amazing.
i miss and love mine oh so much!!
my mommy and i are my wedding day, May 29th, 2010.
these family crystals have been passed down generation, to generation.
each time, the womans mother has placed them around her daughters neck before giving the bride away.
it was an emotion moment for the both of us.
and i wish that i didn't live 2,200 miles away from her.
she's my best friend, we've gotten even closer since we found out that her baby, was having a baby.
i love you Paula Jean, my shoulder, my hero, my best friend, my MOMMY!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Day 31; Burn In Hell, Osama Bin Laden.

Day 31; Operation Deployment.
Day 9; Baby Ryder.
5th Sunday Down.

May 1st, 2011.
Osama Bin Laden was killed by American Troops.
as the president walked up to the podium to present his speech, i grabbed Michael and I's sleeping baby son and i held him to my chest as tight as i could. staring at the screen, tears flooded my eyes.
i cried.
i cried for all those that lost their lives on September 11th, 2001.
when the Twin Towers fell down and thousands upon thousands lost their lives and their loved ones.
i cried for all the troops that fell in war ever since.
i cried for my husband, and him not being there, and me, not knowing exactly where he is, how he is, and when i will hear from him next.
i cried for all our men with my husband.
and i cried for what this means for all of us now.
the war isn't over, i believe this is the beginning of the end. and i pray for no retaliation.
and for things to get worse over there. i pray my husband won't have to leave the wire and things stay the same where he is. 

i complained to myself this morning about the lack of sleep i got. because of Ryder and Mike getting online to chat. now i would give anything for an email, or phone call, something.
to let us know that he's alright.
i have no idea what this means for our men out there. but for the first time since Michael left, i am scared for his safety.
i can't close my eyes and feel him, or smell him.
but i long for him, in every single way possible right now.
i am so numb and blank as to what may be about to come. 
all i can do is sit here and cling to Ryder.
and pray, and pray, and pray.
please everyone, pray for my husband and our little family.
and the men and women of CLB-7 in Afghanistan.
pray for their safety.
pray for their safe return.

"forever forever babe, remember, you promised?"
pinky promised and sealed with a kiss.
i miss you so much, it hurts.
i see you. <3