Sunday, September 25, 2011

day 177; rest in paradise sweet baby girl.

day 177; operation deployment.

today, a beautiful baby girl passed away. i did not know her, i did not know her mother, but i care about them both very, very much. aubree rose was born 5lbs and 14oz. she was in and out of this world, in 3 hours time. as i sat at my macbook and read the news from a close friend of mine, tears fell down my face. i cried, for someone i had never met.
aubrees mother, is a young mother and at first was not sure she wanted to continue the pregnancy. but she fell in love with her unborn baby. a few weeks ago she had a doctors appointment, thinking maybe this was it. my friend and her, sat in her baby girls nursery, hanging pink clothes on little hangers, everything set up. they went to the doctors, my friend holding her video camera, just in case. 
when that wasn't the case at all.
the doctor told aubree's mother than she would give birth to a daughter that wouldn't live more than 24 hours. aubree had thanatophoric dysplashia. her little chest was just too small, and her lungs would not grow. she was told, when her daughter was born, she would not look normal. that she would carry her daughter until it was time for her to come. and when she said hello, she must also say, goodbye. 
i am 22 years old. i have a 5 month old son. and i could not imagine what this strong young woman is going through. she carried aubree, kicking, hiccuping, and moving around until aubree decided, it was time to say hello, and goodbye. she went into labor last night and the young couple prayed for the best. 
aubree rose, did not make it. 
her mom, went in, with a kicking, wiggling, little baby. and gave birth to her daughter. her beautiful daughter, whom everyone loved so much already. she will be discharged tomorrow, walking out of the hospital with empty arms, to a house with no crying baby, no diapers to change, no formula to buy.
all i have seen on facebook today is pissing, whining, and moaning. 
your cell phone stopped working.
you havent seen your boyfriend in a few days.
you can't decide what you want to cook for dinner.
and you, you women that are pregnant. and complain about horomones, cravings, morning sickness. i want to slap each and every freaking one of you. have you no respect for yourself or your unborn child?! be THANKFUL for every little piece of pregnancy you endure. praise everything that is worthy that you will never lose your child as my friends best friend did. you have no idea how disgusted you have made me today, all of you! because of what this beautiful woman went through. you all are so ungreatful.
everyone takes life for granted. i know well enough to try my best not to. because there was many nights i didn't think i would make it through the night.
what i went through with ryder, everything before he was born, and everything now. he could be screaming his head off at this very moment. i wouldn't care, because my son is here. he is alive, breathing, and healthy. while another baby was ripped away from her mother, without standing a chance in this world.
it kills me, how i have never met this woman and yet, i have more respect and care for her more than i care about half of my friends on facebook. talking about how "abortion" is wrong. when none of you, not one of you, understands a god damn thing in this world when it comes to babies! or what your life might be like, or what theirs will be like. i'm so sick of everyone! who only think about themselves and not anyone else. you, you all rub your perfect little stupid lives in everyones faces, while all over the world, mothers lose their children, husbands die in war, brothers stop talking to their sisters, a single mother struggles...
shut the fuck up.
and take a look at your life.
your husband sleeping upstairs, safe and sound in america.
your children tucked in bed after three full meals a day, clean clothes and a bath.
look down at your belly. the place where a little tiny living being. his or her heart is beating.
and take a look at yourself.
your life isn't that bad, stop complaining.
you have it easy.

it took, something this gigantic, to happen to me, to slap me in the face. a beautiful girl whom i have never met, or talked to, only have as a friend on facebook. to make me realize, that people make me so disgusted. i never expected something like this to affect me whatsoever. but it did. i bawled my eyes out, curled in a ball, at the hurt this even caused me. and wishing there was something that i could do.
and i realized, i want to delete over half of the people from my page so i didn't have to read about their happy lives that they complain about every day.

i try so very hard not to complain. hence why i rarely post negativity on facebook, and friday i was in a bad mood so i didn't post.
because i.
i am a lucky one.
and even though life is tough and sometimes it sucks. and i can't wait to catch a break from this everyday marathon, i know.
that i have been given such an easy life compared to some.

lindsay, i love you.
ashley, i'm here for you.
aubree rose, watch over your mommy and daddy and auntie lindsay.
don't worry ashley and andrew. i promise, promise, promise you.
that my gaurdians will forever look after her, and never let her forget how much you both loved her.

Aubree Rose.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

day 173; decisions.

day 173; operation deployment.

today, MO came back home.
and we decided to go to the college and job fair on base today.
i can honestly tell you, the thought of going back to school excites me. even though i'm pretty bummed i will be doing it online. good thing because then i will never have to be apart from my baby boy, but i really wanted more of a college experience. that's alright, i enjoy the sacrifice. :)
we are both looking into criminal justice, me, as usual!
as much as i think i would enjoy psychology, every time i read a murder mystery, watch svu, read something in the paper, i get that little tingle. like i know it's the one thing i want to do. and i know it won't be easy. but with her, it will be a little easier. besides, study dates away from the husbands. haha, just kidding guys!
annnd, thanks to miss amber for watching indy, i get to go to LA with her for a week with her. our final little get away and BANG before the guys come home. which is WAY soon after we get back so this week is going to be hella crazy busy getting things done. so all we have to do when we get back is wait, and relax. and enjoy the end of Deployment. gah!!

i also had to make another tough decision tonight, one i didn't expect to have to go so far as making.
i have made the final choice not to allow my mother in law in ryder or i's life.
as i said earlier in the week, after countless emails, and no response, i was done and had enough.
she emailed me a week and a half ago, and texted me last week and i didn't respond. this, is my way or being polite. well, she took it further.
i get a friend request from a "doreen" a few days ago. it took me a few minutes to put the name together, but she is one of trish's friends. whom, i have never met. first, you can't search kimberly nelson, or michael nelson, and come up with our name on facebook. trish must have given her the link to it. she had the nerve to attempt to add me, clearly the request was denied. when i went to my mother in laws page to block her, once again, because she can't respect me enough to stay off my page, i saw that doreen had posted two albums from MY page, to trish's. apperently i had them open to the public. but to go to the lengths to post them to her wall?! so, they were both blocked, along with tiffany. they can't respect me enough to call him by the correct name, or ask me for photos, so they go and stalk me on the internet. when i have told them countless times. you want to see ryder, you have to ask. i won't allow them in my personal life and allow them access to information they do not need to know. they have yet to ask to see pictures. and they have done nothing to deserve me going out of my way, like i always do, to send them any. later that night trish got on yahoo messenger and sent me an IM. she automatically went off on me saying...
"Well, I have tried to communicate with you but you do not respond. It is okay for you not to communicate for a few weeks but not for me.  I didn't quit communicating until you said it was to hard to keep up without a computer and I was giving you the chance to get it running again and I am the bad guy. Not.  So I guess I have to wait until Mike gets home to find out about our grandson because apparently you are deleting my emails to him."
first, i have deleted one email from his mom, one email from his sister. they were both complaining about how terrible their lives are, giving themselves a little pity party. and honestly, mike doesn't need that out there. no one does. i deleted them and i told mike about it. he didnt ask me not to. he knows, whatever he asks of me, i will or will not do. but other than that, he doesn't even care to respond anymore! he's constantly saying "i dont know what to say back" so, he just doesn't. so, she just assumes i delete them. lady, i have a life, i don't monitor my husband emails like you seem to think i do. i knew that bitchy one was comin because you sent me the same shit the day before. not my problem that you're so annoying your own son wants nothing to do with you!
so, i was rather proud of my husband. he laid it out for her. told her, to stop trying to get ways to see ryder. it was no ones fault but their own for treating me as they did and i have every right to hang onto the terrible things they did. he was sick of them treating me like crap, it was making him mad. that the drama would stop one way or another, they wouldnt see ryder until i was ready, and if they didn't like it, he's gonna say "peace" to them as well. 
tonight, she replied.
she told him that he is only getting only one side of the story. that i was sending her "not so nice" emails. [which, SN, i read to monique and my mom before i ever send anything because i don't need MORE drama from this woman, all i want is to get my point across and get her to get it through her thick skull what we're trying to say!]  that she has been nothing but nice to me, that all she has been trying to do was help. that "just because she hasn't sent something every month to you or Ryder, i'm not worth a shit." and "she don't (ugh, she has no grammar sense!) realize that i have to pay all my own bills because i don't have a husband to help me, so i can't send things like her mom and dad do."
and then she goes on telling him that she wasn't trying to add me to facebook, that i had blocked her from seeing my page. that doreen had asked what ryder looked like, so she sent her to our page and apparently accidently hit the "add friend" button because her "keypad is super sensitive."

did anyone else just palmface?!?

first, save the sob story. my parents struggle to get by everyday. but they still do all that they can for ryder. nor do they send things every month for him. but i DO talk to my mom every day and she does ask questions about ryder. she knows more about him than mike does right now. she's involved without being around. caring about my son isn't constantly sending him gifts. that helps mike and i out. loving and caring about him is know what's going on in his life, getting to know him constantly because he always changes. my mom knows his favorite foods, how much he eats and how often, how he likes to sleep, what makes him happy, everything. that's being a grandparent. not every so often asking, "how is ryder?" because i'm going to tell you he's fine.

p.s. trish. YOU chased that husband of yours away. i have met the man and i am pleased he isn't having to deal with you anymore. want to cry about not having a husband? look in the mirror. you were a one night stand and got you knocked up and he stuck around. that takes a real man to do. he's a great guy and he loves his son. he loves his daughter in law, and his grandson as well. he showed that the three times i met him! more love and support than i ever will from you!

second of all, boo hoo. mean ole kimmy wasn't being very nice. which then, i was. now, i'm not.

and lastly. everyone look at a random profile.
look to the left, the profile photo.
look to the right, the "add friend" button.
now look back, and forth, really fast!
yep, look at that! opposite sides of the effing page.
and hey! if you accidently send a request. there's also a "cancel request" button.
who woulda thought?
i smell bullshit!

everyone says, "when you get married, you marry your in laws."
my mother in law is a psycho, my sister in law is a slut that's going nowhere in life, and my wonderful father in law, the best of the bunch, is never around or reachable.
none of them were present at my wedding, i don't marry a single one of them.

i married my beautiful michael. 
i had ryder, to have our family blossom.
and i love my son more than anything in this entire world, words can not begin to explain. 
and i just can't do this from him.
trish seems to be wanting to tear us apart. she never lets things lie and she whines to mike that his wife was being mean, and is almost telling him that i'm lying to him.
as much as i was worried in the beginning about what would happen to our little family, i'm not now. and he's going to choose us, EVERY time.
i know that i have no right in making mikes decisions in his life and i will not let this crazy woman come between us. he is still able to email, call, text, skype, whatever, this... thing. it's his mom, no matter how screwed up in the head she is. but he is not to mention either ryder, nor i. nor send photos of either one of us.
i have struggled to raise my child alone. i have lost sleep, weight, and hair doing so. i have calmed temper tantrums, kissed boo boos, solved a tummy issue.. everything. i'm his mom.
and the final word, is always mine.

good luck trish.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

day 169; ended battle.

day 169; operation deployment.

the battle with my mother in law, is over.
she emailed me last weekend and i had an email typed out and i just, deleted it. i had given her until last sunday to contact me back after over a month. sunday evening she finally emailed me back trying to justify herself, and telling me she wanted another chance for ryder. figuring she wouldnt email back, i had already cut emotional ties. it just wasnt right or fair of her to come and go and do as she pleases. not to me, i dont even care. but ryder. i dont want her to be a grandparent when she wants to. and him growing up wondering why she doesnt care much about him. i told michael about my decision and he understood and supported it. i was really peeved at how, in her email, she claimed to know what i was going through. that even made mike angry, because she doesn't have a clue. yes, she got divorced, mike was six. the first few years, she had troy, no matter how little he seemed to be around. she also lived a mile from her own mom. and though yes, she raised the kids by herself, if she needed a break she had that option. i have been doing it completely and solely on my own. i havent been away from ryder for more than an hour in 5 months. i do not have my mom, i do not have my husband.
how is this the same!?
she texted me later in the week asking how ryder and i were doing. i really had nothing to say. it had bugged me that i chose not to respond back to her email, and now her text message. i was actually beating myself up because of it. regardless of my dislike for this woman, i do have a heart. and it had been a struggle on what i should do. and then today, one of her friends adds me to facebook. i'm not friends with trish on there, and our named aren't searchable because theyre one, so how did she find us, if it wasnt because of trish? and why would i add someone i had never met? why would they even think this stuff was okay!? someone must think i'm stupid. the last thing i wanted was to cause issues between my husband and i over her. so finally, i broke down and talked to him about it.
he told me not to even worry or bother with her until he got home. that she causes me more stress than i need right now. and even he doesnt really care about the situation. sadly, this deployment has showed him who and what is really important. good for ryder and i, bad for everyone else.  he sees where i am coming from with all of this. and he shared with me some info that didn't really settle with me about her from his childhood. i just, can not get passed any of it. i have tried so hard.
i cant forgive her for literally screaming in my face for one minor mistake when it came to indy and him being a puppy right before mike left.
i cant forgive her for putting everything i had in mikes room in a box after the left for bootcamp, threatening to call the cops if i didn't give the keys mike had given me back to her.
i cant forgive her for telling us indy could stay at her house while mike was gone so long as i took him to the vet, and bought everything he needed, and didnt even give me that chance to do so. 
i can't forgive her for constantly making things awkward for both mike and i.
or forgive her for causing so much drama between us and keeping me away from him the one time he needed me the most.
i can't forgive her for coming at me, thinking us getting married and not telling anyone was MY fault.
and i won't forgive her for calling me an immature bitch and blaming me for taking mike away from the ones that really cared about him.
i can't forgive her for when she was here, and the drama before she was here, and her saying she was staying in a hotel and didn't. 
she always tried to get mike t be on her side and of course that would cause problems between the two of us.
and i can not, will not, and never will forget. the lack of giving a damn when it came to mike and this deployment. for not emailing him more, encouraging him more, boosting his spirits. for not sending him an actual card on his birthday, or sending just him something special. instead of making up excuses and complaining about everything in her life. i can never forget her for mikes childhood, and the way he feels now because of it, or the way she treats him. 
i always said that everyone deserves a second chance and i gave her one when ryder was born. i had told myself that when mike left, that was it. i wouldnt talk to her until she got back. i wouldnt even tell her that ryder was born. but i did the right thing. where did it get me? really, nowhere. so, i'm done.i have tried for so long and have gotten nowhere. i will never be good enough for mike to anyone but mike himself, and my family. mikes real family.

everytime ryder smiles, i know i have to protect him. when i hear his cry or see his lip quiver, i know that i can never let anyone hurt him. what if she does to ryder, what she has done to us? i never want to see my baby hurt. i love him too much. i never want his feelings to get hurt, or to be yelled at. or to wonder why daddys mommy never calls. i have to protect them. both of them, my beautiful boys. 
the first moment i held ryder, i promised him that i would protect him for the rest of his life.
what kind of mother would i be, if i lied?
oh, right....

Friday, September 16, 2011

day 168; the HURT book.

day 168; operation deployment.

while i was sitting in my therapists office the other day, i couldn't help but think.
what has this strange lady have in common with me?
i highly doubt she has gone through anything i have ever been through. instead of focusing on why i was there, she was digging into my past for nothing. she had my on edge like i was about to say the wrong thing. i left that office a different woman and i realize, counseling really isn't for me. what i need are the men and women around me, that have gone through pain, have known hurt of some kind, to pull me through. what this world needs, is a place to come together. to share their stories anonymously, to read others stories to know that theyre not alone. sure, there are plenty books for this, but where is the closeness in typed words?
and then, i got a brilliant idea.

the hurt book.
you remember those silly chain mail letters you use to do in elementary school where you wrote the same letter ten times and sent it to another person, and that person did the same? and it was sent all over the world?
what if we all did that, in a composition notebook, or two, or three?
but we shared our stories? we made a collection of them and passed them throughout the world to one another, and have more than one throughout the united states. no one has to know who you are, all you have to put is your first name, and your state. you can write as little and as much as you want to. and pass it on to someone else.
no one will be judged, or over analyzed. no one would feel like an outcast. it would just me, an outlet. an outlet that can't be done with just an email.
a place where, you will always fit in. to share all your hurts and secrets.
and no one can put a name to your face. 

if i get enough people interested. please pass this post around. i will start my story in book number one. 
i will make a list of rules and start collecting addresses, and setting up an email list.
i would like to collect $2 from each member, for shipping costs.
i will take inputs as to what you all would like to see come of these books. 
to help YOU.
without the costs and expense of counseling.
without the feeling of being judged.
and to let the world know.
that they are never alone.

please email;
if interested.

if i get even 10 people interested, i will start as soon as i possibly can to help you all get you stories across. these stories will not go anywhere that you don't want them to go. after each writer, i will ask for them to be sent back to me so that they are not lost amongst everyone. a bubbled envelope will do, which doesn't cost very much at all.
the home base will be in california, however my main goal is to get the book(s) to each state.
when each book it finished, i plan to keep all the stories private. if you wish to have them published, i am willing to do so. i will wrap all stories up into one book after 6 months time. 
if this takes off, which i very much so hope that it does, i will create more books to pass around. anything from crazy in laws, deployment, pregnancy and beginning motherhood, to relationship problems.
if you do not wish for your story or questions to go anywhere, i wouldn't mind individual notebooks. at $2 per member, or $3 per above member. just start your story, anything you want to say, or know, or want advice on, and send me an email, i will give you my address.

please, lets stop the worlds hurt.
write it down.
and speak out.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

day 165; love story.

day 165; operation deployment.

everyone deserves their own happy ending.
their own love story.
it may or may not happen the first, or even second time around.
it may happen when your heart is completely full, or completely broken.
what IS a love story?

it's a song only you and the one you're meant to be with know the words to. the sounds that make up your life together. skate wheels on the pavement, the revv of a motorcycle engine, silly noises, country music blasting in your pickup truck. the sighs from anothers lips, the soft, sweet whispers in the night. the sound of a pen, on loose leaf paper, the opening and closing of a mailbox. the tapping of a laptop keys, the "ding" of an email. the fist cry, of your newborn baby boy.
love is the tears shed. 
of sorrow.
of happiness.
of complete and absolute love.
love is telling each other everything.
anything that you can think of.
of bearing your bleeding heart and soul to one another, and knowing you will not be judged, or seen differently. it is the courage of truth.
love is in the fights, the battles, and the making up.
love is falling apart, but together. into one another. the beauty is in the breakdowns. and your lover wiping your tears away.
love is the movement.
chest to chest.
toe to toe.
breath by breath.
love is never easy. however it is something that comes natural. when the timing is just right, the best loves are when you least expect them. it is worth the pain. love is never something to be settled upon. there is no definition of a perfect love. but a person that is perfect, for you. love is having the courage to know the difference between pushing through, or walking away before time is too late. love deserves more than one chance. 
love; never fails.

i wish that everyone in the world gets the chance to experience their own love story. stories that do not have perfect endings, some, that have ending, some, with none. when you love someone, hold a piece of them with you forever. no matter how much it hurts. a piece of every person that you have loved in your lifetime, follows you, wherever you may go. those pieces help shape you life,  your story. never settle for anything less than you deserve. never run from something that you can not live without.  don't give up the best thing to ever happen to you just because you are a little unsure of who you are. if you love someone, never let them go.
never. ever.
let them go.

fight out every battle, because in the end its worth it all. it's not fair to go through life not being loved as one person should. to envy others for their stories. because you didn't have the courage to go outside the world and make your own. feel that twinge inside yourself at love movies, romance novels.
have the courage to go out, and stumble upon your own.
i bet you will never forget a word of your own story. 

Monday, September 12, 2011

day 164; september 11th.

today, ten years ago.
i was in the 7th grade and it happened shortly after band class. i remember half the day, everyone was talking about it. some teachers had the tv's on, but i didn't pay attention. i didn't pay attention then and i rarely pay attention now. honestly, i don't know if there is any more to the story than two terrorists flying planes into the two towers, killing a shit ton of people. thus began the war with iraq. and the guy behind it all, is now dead. because of this day, we lost greg sanders in the war in iraq. and because of this day, my husband has yet to meet our son.
i don't give a shit about what happened.
and i hate that this entire world, comes together one day out of the year to mourn what happened. when they never step back and recognize all the troops that are still sacrificing their lives and fighting this pointless war. i worry, every since day, i support, all the time. the men and women of our military. i did ever before i married into it. no one thinks, every day, that there are more than 20 different casualties. 
what about the ones that are still alive? they never get thought about, very rarely, by the world. i hate that, unless there is a tragedy, no one gives a damn. unless a marine or soldier dies, no one even thinks about whats going on, not only in another country, but whats going on here. today i saw a million status updates on "rip, always remember those who were killed on 9/11." but i NEVER see "i support our troops and everything they do."
i still can't watch the news. it took all i had to watch the speech on osama's death. i don't keep up to date with this world, there isn't a need to. this world is so chaotically jacked up. it just isn't important.
and to my piece of shit brother who decides to update saying thanks to greg for defending our country and making the sacrifice, but failing to remember that his brother in law is currently in afghanistan serving his country, and hasn't even met his son yet.
kevin, go FUCK yourself.
you no good piece of shit. 
too bad you never had the balls to do anything great in your life, fucking pansy.

i love how excited my mom gets when we talk and she randomly says "NEXT MONTH" like, she's living my dream with me. haha. she's pretty freakin cute that way. but yes, next month, my family will be complete.
anyone that wants to OPSEC me, go suck some balls.
you got 31 days next month to try and figure out when Supports coming back, good luck.
i digress.
things around here are getting pretty nerve wracking. everytime we skype, something feels different. i can no longer close my eyes and see him, or smell him, or remember what it's like to lay next to him. i'm so use to just sleeping with ryder. so use to driving everywhere and having the truck whenever. or randomly driving to mcdonalds. and hopping in the shower and not thinking of anyone else. i'm so use to creating my own schedule, bedtime, when i wake up. buying groceries for only me. what i like, instead of thinking what he would want to eat. i have certain ways of handling ryder, taking care of him.. and it's all about to change.
shit, i thought entering this world, and deployment was scary.
this could even be worse!
why do emotions get the best of you? why do i feel like i'm fine on my own right now? that i could do back to back deployments and be fine.
[minus the sex, of course. i'm BEYOND ready to "get some"]
why does your mind trick you into forgetting?
i know, once he steps off that bus and i wrap my arms around his neck, everything will be perfect. right back into place. when he gets home, i know it will be like he never even left. then why do i feel this NOW?! maybe once the window dates are out i will feel more excited than wanting to throw up. haha.
this feels so unbelievable. like it isn't real. like it isn't happening.
just wake me up when september ends!


Saturday, September 10, 2011

day 162; 23effinweeks.

day 162; operation deployment.
i'm worried for the guy because of september 11th reunion. just like i was when osama was killed. i hate that they have to be out there. now mike and steven in two seperate places. i know that they will be safe, but i still worry.
please ask your guardians, as i have my own, to watch over Support Company of clb7. and wish for a safe return for all of our brothers.

tonight we went on a midnight sonic run, like fat kids. every single time we have moments like this, i know how badly i'm going to miss them. so incredibly much is going to change when the guys get back. we know we will make sure to have our girls night just us once a month. but we can't pick up and say "i'll be over in a few minutes" because our lives stop at 1600 every day. we're both so stoked to have them home. but we won't be ourselves anymore. we have another human to think about, haha. it's going to be one giant adjustment for all of us. especially us with Ryder.  makes me so nervous, it's getting so much closer now!!

today, i believe i finished getting everything i needed for our house. low on money until next pay but i must say i am rather impressed at how much different the house looks, its far more like a home now. and i know mike will love it. feel more like a family. i wish i could upload pictures! but i kind of want it to all be a surprise for mike when he gets home! i swear he's going to be so lost! lmao. i seriously can't wait. but then again, not too much longer before his internet is cut off, sooo i might upload them all then. hehehehe. regardless, i'm proud of this house. but i can't wait until build our own! <3

looking back on all our old pictures.
i'm fucking amazed.
at how much we as individuals, and as a couple, and now as parents, have changed. it blows my friggen mind. i have to do double takes. i remember everything about every one of those days. even if i don't want to. i'm still constantly staring at the computer screen whenever we skype, or yahoo message. wondering, who is this.. man?! this brand new husband of mine! he's a completely changed person, in every single aspect. and i have never been more happy. our marriage has done a complete 360 as to what it was a few months before. i have began to trust him again, and attempt to take my wall down around my heart, and knowing he wont hurt me again. its going to be an amazing fresh start when he gets home.

now, if only i can sleep until this is over.
someone, wake me up, when September ends! <3

twentythree weeks down.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

day 160; all nighterrrr.

day 160; operation deployment.

ah, the prepping for homecoming!

first. yesterday was my first therapy sesh.
in a whole 45 minutes, i was diagnosed with ptsd. 
and mild anxiety and insomnia.
im not sure what it was that i was expecting, but i dont really think that was it. they focused mainly on billy, and though thats more or less the main thing, theres also littler areas that seemed to be ignored. they tapped into my family history like, if my mother and father loved me. when they asked me why i stayed with billy i said, i didnt want to move home, i wanted to feel loved. so they took that as, my mother didn't love me. she didn't really seem to understand any word that came from my mouth. she transferred me to a ptsd counselor, and i need to call and make another appointment. and i'm not sure i will do that. i knew i had to start somewhere. to help my life, my depression, to let go of the past, and stop looking over my shoulder. and i don't really think counseling is the thing that i need. i need my husband home, he's my protector, the one that makes the past better. ::shrugs:: i gave it a shot, and i may try again, but i'm not sure it's really going to do anything. 
updates another day.

monique watched ryder for my appointment and i went to the library. it felt nice to even get an hour and a half away from him, but i sure did miss him. im ready for mike to be home and share the load. its getting harder to carry so much stuff, plus a carseat, anywhere i go. but i knew he was in good hands.

we decided to pull an all nighter and make homecoming banners for the guys. she leaves in a few days for a week to visit marlena in oklahoma, and then is back for a week and then off to LA, [which, if anyone is willing to dogsit for me for a few days, i would greatly appreciate it!!!!!!] so that i could go with her as our last little get away before the guys get home. it was funny how much we were killing ourselves over these damn signs. we have basically had them planned out all Deployment, when we sat down to do them, we didn't like them anymore. we are so slacking, at least we finally got our last care packages out! so we spent over an hour planning them out and then we got to work. my goodness, i'm not even halfway down with ONE sign. we were exhausted and giggly, and ended up painting her kitchen floor. haha. we were listening to music to keep us awake, and making random jokes. she pulled me outside right before we crashed to see a beautiful sunrise.
everything is changing.

we met back in september. we all went to the water park together and really, we all hit it off right then and there. we hung out quite a bit before the guys left, but nothing like this. we knew each other, but we didn't really know why each other did things, or how we ran things. and we really didn't until that bad day when i thought that ending the friendship, might be better for me. but i was dead wrong. and as much as i can not wait to have my husband home. i'm really upset at the fact that, everything will change again. monique and i hang out almost everyday. we stay up late and eat what we want, and watch tv. we have a certain routine wherever we go, she knows how Ryder ticks, and what to do in every situation. it's going to be weird not having the other in our passenger seat. our leave dates are all scattered, and we won't be seeing much of each other once they're back. at least not at first. and that's really not okay with me. i struggle when she leaves for a week or two, it's just too. weird. i stayed the night at her house last night and it was nice. and i'm very much hoping that we all do it a time or two. it's like a whole new damn relationship when the guys get back home. when were so comfortable where we are right now. we both know they won't keep us away from one another, they can try. but might lose an arm. but its all going to be so different we're so comfortable around each other now, we share shit with each other we didn't use to.we have about a million and a half inside jokes that they guys have no idea what the fuck we're talking about. but i couldn't be more thankful for this deployment bringing us closer together. i'm sure there are going to be days where we're annoyed of one another, but that's just it. that's what family is. we ARE family. all four and a half, plus, a half of a half [soon to be i'm sure.] will be. they might only be here for another year and you better believe we're going to make it the best year possible!!
tacos? cheesburgers?

ah, my mommy and husband.
i love that, he called me on skype when i was talking to my mom, and we all acted the same ole same. it makes me smile how they act together. because my mom is really the only parent he has. well, and my daddy.
they joked around about babies, and told him he better come home and meet his sweet little baby, or she'd kick his butt. the way he smiled when they talked, melted my heart. it always does. just like, the last time they talked before he left, my mom teared up, they talked for about a half an hour. when his mom talked to him for five minutes then made an excuse to get off the phone. 
there's this song called "mirrors" by lil wayne and bruno mars. mo introduced it to me, and it breaks my heart. because i think of my husband. and how he grew up. whenever i sit and think about it all, i little part of my breaks inside, aches for him. everytime he lets me in, and shares a part of his past with me, it tears a whole into my soul. and it makes me thrive even more to show him what a real family is. what real love is. i have no doubt, i never have, that he will be the most amazing daddy to our babies. we might have had our ups and downs as husband and wife, but when it comes to ryder, and our future lyvia, jayce, elyzibeth, and... the last. lmao. i know he will do all that he can for them, with them. and never hurt them, or take that time for granted.
he told me, because of something in his past, that he doesn't even want to drink, at all. not eve a beer here and there, at all. because he grew up with it around him, and he doesn't want his children to do the same. he's so worried, over such little things. it amazes me how much has changed since this little boy came into our lives. in every way, shape, and form.
he's nothing but a family man now. <3

finally, his mom got it. after five total emails.
she IMed mike last night saying she would just see him in april or whenever we go there. i'm pretty sure it was my email that pushed it into her brain. i hate they way she talks to him. it makes me hate her even more. he apologized because his internet was messing up, that he wasn't sure if she had been sending messages. and she told him she was, but apparently they didn't go through. thats it. didnt repeat herself, nothing. which i'm sure it wasnt important. and that was the end of the conversation. she has yet to say anything to me for the last 3 emails i have sent, and one email with a few photos. i told her in this last one, she had another chance to be in Ryders life, but she had to ask about him, neither of us would offer up information. and that if she wanted to be in his life, she needed to try hard and make amends with both mike and i. i have been waiting all pregnancy and deployment for this. if she cant email me back by the end of this weekend. that's it. she doesn't need to see my son. end of story. i hate that it has to be this way but i don't want ryder growing up around people that don't ask about him, don't check up on him, and will see him once every year and a half. i know my mom will call and talk to him, she already does. he will know who Mimi is, we already try to. because she cares, she's my go to person. i can call her at 4 am scared, or worried, and she will calm me down. trish knows NOTHING about ryder, at all. when i have told her countless times. her and i will NEVER get along. i do not like her as a person, as a mother in law or mother at that. but she has a chance to start over and be a grandmother. and she has shown me that she can't even do that. i'm not a bad person. i stopped going out of my way to give her all these updates when she never asked. so, she doesn' get any. but if she sent me an email with everything she wanted to know about my kid, i would sit down and answer every question, if she asked for photos, i wouldn't send them. and i have told her this. that it isn't right to go to someone that hasn't met him yet, wanting information. that if she wanted to know, i would gladly tell her. but she doesn't. i'm so sick of her. and i am greatful we have both put our foots down to her this deployment. i know if my son put his foot down to me when it came to his family, or my sons wife told me that i had a chance to lose privledges with my grandchild [within reason of course. i have every reason here.] then i wouldn't say "fuck you" and just give up. i would try harder and be what everyone needed me to be. but then again, i'd also email my deployed son, and his wife all alone 2,200 miles away with her newborn, a helluva lot more than she does. if she doesn't act like she cares about us, especially when we all need people the most, then why should we do the same for her and allow her to intrude into our time together, in our home, when she just sat back on her ass the last 7 months and basically fell from our lives? hm, i think not.
i'm just glad i no longer have to read, "i can't wait to see you and little michael soon."
i believe hell just froze over.
might have to buy her a parka. :P
i am all for giving that crazy psycho woman another chance. as i said, i wasn't even going to inform her my son was born or when, or send any photos. that was my plan and i had an accidently stupid change of heart that went. nowhere. 
well, glad that's over.

also, my son likes trash cans, lol.
we put him in Mo's new one and he sat and smiled and giggled.
and, hello size two diapers. finally!
lil mans growing sooo fast.
i love my giggly, goofy, tootie, wittle boy!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

day 158; a good day.

day 158; operation deployment.

today, was a good day.
i have been noticing, ever since i had my mirena taken out. that life isn't so bad. i handle things differently now. i don't get as irritated. mike and mo both have noticed how much happier i seem. which doesn't make much sense to me. how can birth control effect my brain like that?  the day i got it out, my brain felt, lighter i guess i can say. the little things that bugged me before, that i knew were stupid, don't anymore. i feel and act more upbeat, i don't have nearly as many depressing thoughts. this.. kills me. something that is suppose to help my life, is hurting me to much. when i talked to my mom about it all, we noticed too. that my moods got completely out of hand when i was on birth control in high school and thats when i had all my "episodes"
and the same thing happened when i went on Mirena.
now, i'm absolutely terrified to get on the nuvaring.  but i know having another baby right now just isn't an option. i have no idea what to do. 

today we went to palm springs. we had intentions to go to michaels for items to make our signs with, which we are pulling an all nighter doing tomorrow!  annnnd, we just never got there. lmao. we ended up at home goods, which i am now, addicted to! and we got a ton of cute things for our HOMES. i am pretty satisfied with the way our home looks, completely different then when mike left, so i hope he likes it. and i believe i'm just about finished for right now. so now we can save all our money for leave! we went to arbys, which was beyond orgasmic. i miss the little things, like different places to eat out here. and then the mall. we found mo her ball dress, and tried on ugly dresses. we make a good team ya know? we switched off carrying ryder and pushing the stroller. we tried on clothes and i totally jacked a pair of jeans that we both loved, but they didn't quite fit her, but they did me. haha. we made stupid jokes about things, and ended up laughing until we were crying. we got smoothies and i got two books to entertain me when she's in oklahoma and LA. once she gets back from LA, it's just a matter of about less than two weeks before the guys get back. so i can't freaking wait for her to leave, lmao. 
tanning has begun for homecoming and the ball and i have to say. after my body not seeing sun for over a year, i am one bacony lobster at the moment. but i will be lookin mighty fine when my husband gets off that bus. 

honestly, i love mike.
i fall more and more in love with him every time we talk. he's proving to be such an amazing man, i am still absolutely shocked at the change.
he ordered ryders halloween costume to the house, his decision alone, and will surprise us when it gets here. his first choice on his own as a daddy. and its freaking adorable.
his mom keeps asking to come here, and i am so very glad he has taken the situation into his own hands. he has emailed her now four times telling her he would prefer it just the three of us, that theres things we need to catch up on, and we will see her when we go there for easter, hopefully.
each time she tries to find a new way to come here, and she isn't getting it.
i finally had to step into the situation, she was crossing the line. making this all about her, instead of thinking of our family. and she hadn't gotten it through her head after four emails from her son. i was pleased with how the email came out, and how amazingly i handled it all, thanks to the mirena?  i just can't stand that she is now disrespecting her own son and not listening to him, when he tells her how he feels and what his mind has made up. it hurts to see him so annoyed over it. and how she emails him only once a flippin week. she doesn't seem to care about any of us. she isn't my sons grandmother just because she gave birth to my husband. i won't let ryder grow up with someone like that, who doesn't care about him. i've told her countless times that if she wanted to know updates on him, just to ask and i would answer her, same with photos. i deleted her off facebook hoping she would reach out to me. her, saying she wanted to forget the past and start over, for the sake of my son. but she hasn't been the woman her son, my son, and i need her to be to be in our lives. i have given her one more chance to ryders sake. but she needs to make amends with me, and learn to respect both michael and i, before that can take place. but if nothing happens again, we just have to let her go.
any bets on if she will understand and try?
or be booted from our lives for good?

Friday, September 2, 2011

Day 154; Hello Fucking September.

day 154; Operation Deployment.

^^^ ah, my husbands Corporal certificate. he is now an NCO. ")
i am currently waiting for him to get back on skype, where we will have an almost all night date. since it's his day off. better soak up the time we can!
and, it's september.
which means i will officially see my husband NEXT month.
this is the last full month without him and i can not wait.
i'm so over this Deployment!

today, i am Mirena free!!!
Mike and i decided to choose another birth control method that wasn't so permanent. we didn't want to have to wait a week or two to try again when we decided to.
and i was tired of the constant spotting and cramping.
but now that it's out, i feel like i'm going into labor again, its just THAT painful. how does that even make sense?
and i am beginning to realize, i'm not sure birth control helps my brain issues. the extra horomones and what not. so i'm waiting a few weeks to start the nuvaring, to see if it makes much of a difference.

we had our homecoming brief tonight.
which didn't tell us much more than we already knew.
i'm ready for some windows!!
and of course for them to be home already! and ryder to finally meet his daddy!

speaking of the chunk monkey, he has his 4 month shots tomorrow.
lord help me this weekend haha.
and he is currently
in his CRIB. for the first time, since he has been born haha.
not sure i can keep him in there all night but, i didnt want him waking up while we were skyping, and he prefers the dark.
but having him even in the next room makes me all sad and stuff. but once Mike gets back i dont see a problem. mainly because we don't need a silly baby interrupting anything.
i'm really glad we got his sickiness under control, no more throwing up everything he eats. so i know he gained a bit of weight. hes getting to be such a big boy. he makes me so sad. but i fall more and more in love with him everyday!!

now, i'm going to go pop some popcorn.
and skype my amazing, gorgeous, best husband, EVER!
love you babes.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Day 153; Almonds.

Day 153; Operation Deployment.
21.9% left!

i have been falling in love with my husband all over again this week. 
last night he really upset me because, when i thought we were suppose to skype, he just sent me an email saying he was going to finish a movie with Nick, he loved and missed me and would talk to me soon.
right before he sent that i was crying, and i told monique, how badly i needed mike. and then i get tat email and he was offline before i got the chance to tell him i needed him. i stayed up all night until he called me. which was why we didn't skype. he wanted to surprise me with a phone call instead since it's been forever. by then, after i had written my blog and reflected some more, it didnt bother me anymore, so i didn't talk to him about it. after we chatted online about a few things that were still unclear to me about our past, i went to sleep and i guess he read my post from last night.
so, he emailed me.

he told me that, i could always go to him with anything. that he would forever me my rock, guardian, and protector. he didn't expect me to let go of billy in such a way, he understood it. and he would do whatever it took to help me get through. that i had never anything to fear anymore. with him there or here. because he would always have my back. and he would do what it took to make me feel safe again. michael met me when the bruises were still fresh. billy and i had just parted ways a little over two months prior.i had time to heal, and of course, mike helped me. but it still wasnt that much time to let it go before i started fresh. hence why i am still carrying it around like a ragdoll from the gutter. but as long as i have him honestly... life couldnt be better.

these past two years, i never really saw anything we had in common. but lately i have. stupid things.
we both love the same trail mix. however, we both pick out the almonds.
we have the same blood type. so we can totally give each other body organs and blood if needed. but i knew this awhile ago.
it just makes me smile so much how things have been going. and even though i have messed them up a little bit here and there because of the way i think and let things get to me. i am very much enjoying getting to know him better.
and him, oh, my wonderful husband. his honesty, and patience with me when i bring the past up. asking him why, and how he felt and everything. he's completely open with me and it makes me feel so amazing. i have never ever felt this way before. its honestly, a really, really good feeling. 
i trust him.
with my heart.
my life.
with anything i ever say.
any sort of feeling or emotion.
i trust that he won't ever hurt me again.
and his past mistakes, i know he beats himself up for. he now understands that he messed up, and he has changed. completely. because he wanted to. for me, and him, and Ryder. he's a very good man.

i would also like to say YAY BABY!
because in about, 45 minutes in Afghanistan, my husband will be;
Corporal Nelson, Michael P.
i love you, babe.
you deserve it more than anyone i know. i'm so very proud of you.
stay safe and come home soon!