Deployment 68;Operation Deployment.
alright i suppose i will give a little update on my so very fucked up life at the moment.
i am not sure if i want to walk away from my marriage or not.
don't worry, all of you aren't the first to be finding out. i've told Mike this the last few months and he doesn't believe me. so i suppose, it doesn't much matter.
i almost left right before he left for things that happened during pre deployment leave. but i chose to stay and give him one more chance while he Deployed.
i love my husband, very, very much. i will always love him. that will never change. the fact that he's "the one" for me, will never change. i don't want to walk away because i want someone else. i don't want to walk away to go out, start somewhere new, and fall in love. that will never happen for me. no one can ever take my husbands, or Ryders Daddy's place. i won't even think about it. but when you've had enough, sometimes you just need to stop fighting.
we have been having issues for as long as i can remember. if you've followed my blogs before, you will know. i don't much want to get into everything, and i want to make sure Mikes name stays clean. really, he isn't a bad guy. we've had some amazing times together. but he will admit, he wasn't ready for all of this. why he married me in the first place then, i have no idea.
i hate how he tells me "no i wasn't ready, but i'm going to take responsibility." like I'm a chore. like his son is a chore. it really bothers me. he asked me to marry him, he flew here, he put the ring on my finger. and we were actually trying for a baby. if you weren't ready, there's plenty to ways to prevent everything. it doesn't matter about the time we were together. maybe we rushed but that makes no difference. maybe one day, he will be ready to finally take on a marriage and a family. but that day might be a day too late.
i believe i am no, Depressed. that god awful word i never wanted to come from my mouth again. it's not the bad depression i entered a few years ago. i don't starve myself, i don't think of ever harming myself or Ryder, i don't do stupid things. i cry, a lot. i don't sleep very often, or very well. and i'm stressed out. sitting here, while Mikes Deployed, with our newborn in my lap, i just sit, and think. it's too much time within these whitewalls, trapped in everything that's ever happened between us. the bad things always come up. its not really my fault. blame my retarded brain. and it bothers me that i never put my foot down. maybe if i had then things would be different. but that wasn't always my responsibility.
as much as i want to, i can't possibly blame Mike for EVERYTHING that's happened between us. some of it was out of his control. had he stepped in and said something, half the time it wouldnt have mattered. but a lot of it is.
when it comes to Mike, i have set aside everything to move here and be with him. i gave up my dream job, i left the only house i had ever lived in. i sacrificed relationships with my mom, my sister, and my niece and nephew. i put my life on hold, and i have very little goals left but to just survive the day. i wrote him everyday at boot camp with very little reply and him coming back with 17 unopened envelopes. i've spent quite a bit of paychecks to fly and see him. i chased him when he ripped me to shreds. and now this Deployment, i am constantly working on and sending Care Packages, writing letters, sending emails that are never read, sending Motomail that's ignored. keeping up with the bills and the baby, keeping the house in order. and everything he left me to do, all the things i asked him to take care of before he left. i hear from him very little and that doesn't help much at all. i gave it all up. and it's still not enough.
Mike was my entire world before Ryder was born. now, my world revolves around my tiny baby. maybe he was born to give me the strength to get on my own two feet and realize so much. i feel very down about myself, i can't really talk to Mike about anything. i feel we've become strangers. when we talk it feels like I' talking to an old friend since grade school, rather than my husband. him saying he loves and misses me have lost all meaning. maybe this is just a phase of mine. maybe it's horomone changes, i have no clue. but i do know i deserve better. try telling my heart that.
everything in my body screams at me to walk away. pack everything up and leave for a little while. but i find myself sitting in the middle of my newly arranged living room floor and know i can not do that. i've always been the one to end up doing the right thing, even if it hurts me, even if it scares me. i have no current plan as of yet. I will be in Twentynine Palms until Michael gets home from Afghanistan. I'm going to try my best to make the house feel more like a home for the time i am living here by myself, as well as for Mike when he gets back. I can't take Ryder away from him. that isn't fair to either one of them. as much as i want to run away to an unknown destination, changed my phone number, and never look back. i know that would hurt Mike. and despite my hurting, for some reason, I'm still worrying about his feelings.
Mike has always been the love of my life. i have viewed him as my best friend. for awhile, he was all that i had. but now that isn't true. i have a lot of people and most importantly, i have my son. Mike and i will always be friends and be in each others lives. but right now, we have nothing more. clearly, we will both stay faithful. there's just a lot that needs to be discussed. while he's there and when he gets back.
i hate the fact that i KNOW once he walks off that bus i will fall back in love and want to forget everything he ever did to me happened. and i'm going to try my best to hold myself to that. regardless, we are now a team. i know now, that our marriage only has a small chance of working. but our family, i will always make sure works. even if that means more sacrifices on my end. but i will be damned if he doesn't start too.
in November, i have no idea what is going to happen.
i suppose i can not worry about those days.
when i am struggling to get through these ones.
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