Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Day 80; Tough.

Day 80; Operation Deployment.

this Deployment has taught me to me tough, i am by far, not a pussy by ANY means.
it's given me a thick ass skin, and it makes me laugh at a lot of people.
you will never hear the words "i hate that my husband is Deployed" come out of my mouth.
if Michael wasn't Deployed, i wouldn't have learned so incredibly much, i wouldn't have grown up as fast, i wouldn't be able to handle things nearly as well.
you will never hear me say "oh, i just really need him to call me, or email me." because i don't. i don't need him contacting me multiple times a week to get through. i don't need him wasting his time standing in line waiting for an MWR computer, losing sleep, just to email me every night. i don't need that at all.
i know he is safe and well, and if he wasn't, I'd be the first to know about it.
i don't need him calling to reassure me that he still loves me,because i know that already.
i have learned patience, i have learned heartache. and i can honestly say that his Deployment, other than a few days here and there, is being beaten by me.

it gives me a new look on how weak this entire world is. i'm constantly reading "i hate when my husband has duty" "i hate when my husband works midnights." you guys, have no idea, just how easy you have it, and you take it all for granted. i was told the other day that, had her husband not been there when their son was born, she wouldn't have been able to handle it. though i know she was just saying this because i know she would ave, it's the simple fact, that almost everyone i know, has that luxury. to pass their baby off to get some sleep, to have help in any way, shape, or form. raising a baby on your own, isn't that difficult. it takes his toll of course, and I'm beginning to realize that you're not really a parent until you have to sit, and struggle, and have a difficult day in your life, without any help at all.
my mom did it. my dad walked out on her after my sister was born, when she was pregnant with my brother. he was in the same city when Kevin was born, never came to the hospital. i can't recall how old brudder was when Dad finally met him.
my mom knows, a tough day in her life. ever since she was 9 years old, she's had it difficult. and even still, she doesn't have much. we lean on each other because we know what it's like.
you people that sit, with your husbands, with your family, have no possible idea what it's like in my shoes. you never will, and you will NEVER, be as tough as i am. you're little peons in my book. even the people i have looked up to for a really long time, i no longer do. because they're weak. 
and they will never understand what it's like to fully appreciate things.
keep on taking things for granted, you sad, sad people.
people feel sorry for me because i sit in California with our son, 2,200 miles from my family, traveling impossible, and my husband being overseas.
they'll see my dark circles under my eyes and think "gee, it must be hard for her to be doing this on her own."
and yes, yes it really is.
but don't feel sorry for me. it's you i feel sorry for. 
because y'all got the easy way out.

i watch facebook, i see these perfect marriages, these perfect little families. perfect jobs and great moments in life. i watch everyones life spin it's small little circle.
and i honestly can not envy anyone but myself and Michael and our son.
all the fighting and pushing and shoving, giving and taking, every struggle. i wouldn't give it up for a perfect moment. i am glad we're being put through these obstacles.
because it makes me appreciate life a lot more. it really opens my eyes to everything, everyone else takes for granted. it makes me laugh how everyone complains about a rough night, a bad weekend, this, or that.
and i never, ever, ever complain.
i don't put up a front on facebook either, this is how i really am. i don't sit and cry, rarely ever. i don't just sit around my house all day being mopey, though, i still usually sit around my house regardless. haha. nor do i constantly worry about his safety and stress myself out.
everything is exactly where it needs to be and for one second, I'd never wish my husband didn't Deploy.
it's made us, who we are, right now, this very moment.
and though, i really have nothing at the moment, and no body, i have myself.
i have Michael, i have Ryder.
and that's all i really need.

One night while driving back from Palm Springs, "Tough" by Craig Morgan came on the radio. i told Mike, to listen to the words carefully.
the chorus says "there was a time, back before she was mine, when i thought i was tough."
[go listen to it.]
and now, he fully appreciates that song more than he did back then.

this Deployment has really made me re evaluate my life. my marriage. my place in this world.
instead of giving up, or giving him, i stood strong.
i do not think that days i have been living, the past 80 days, are difficult. i know, that everything could be a lot worse than what they currently are. that one day, i might have to go through, something far, far more difficult than being a solo mom.
i have learned to be patient with my son, instead of getting overwhelmed with life. there's days and nights where i have my doubts, if I'm a good mother, if i'm doing things correctly, if he's going to turn out to be a good man one day. but then he looks up at me and he smiles, he giggles, he clings to me when he's tired, it's all worth it. he lets me know, that i am doing everything perfectly. right now, we are all the other has, my perfect little boy. we're each others heroes, we depend on one another more than i have ever depended on anyone else in my life. 
he has me wrapped around his tiny little finger.
and he has shown me, that i'm a much better person than i ever thought i'd be.

Michael Patrick && Michael Ryder.

to all the people out there that complain, about anything at all. 
i ask you, to take a step back.
and instead of wasting words with "i hate", "this is hard", or "my life sucks."
say, "i am thankful for.", "this could be a lot harder", or "i am just happy to be breathing."
don't complain about the little things. 
because you're wasting your time doing so, instead of looking at the big picture, and how blessed you really are.

1 comment:

  1. Girl I LOVE this. It was weird reading it because so many of those exact same words have come out of my mouth. I can count on my fingers how many I've cried in the 3 months my husband has been gone. I don't allow deployments to control my life. Period. Ever. And I am SO SO SOOOO glad things are going better for you. THIS is the you that I knew. THIS is how I knew things would end up for you!!