Friday, October 28, 2011

day 210; this is it.

day 210; operation deployment.

well guys, this is it.
my very last post in the blog of Deployment.
i can actually say i friggen did it, finally.
tonight will be a night of NO sleep, because tomorrow feels like a bigger day than any i have ever lived in my life.
the moment where my husband meets his six month old son.
every streamer is in place, and beer is in the fridge.
i spent the day making sure things are ready and ended up falling asleep with ryder but now we're both wide awake and i have no idea what to do with myself. i feel like my guts are about to fall out of my butt. 
i am at a loss for words.

i want to thank each and every one of you for being there for my family and these past 7 months. i have found out who my true friends are, my family as well. i absolutely love how excited everyone is for tomorrow. it melts my heart. and i hope when you look you go through a deployment you look back and think, "well, if she can do it, so can i." and i will always be around to give you the strength to survive another day. life is really only as difficult as you make it, most days. it has been anything but easy. and here i sit on the eve of my husbands homecoming, finally.
i did it.

i couldnt have gotten through all this without half the people in my life.
monique, even through our ups and downs, amber, and my sons aunt, for being there with be through the birth of my beautiful son, britney, whom i have gotten so close to, for capturing precious moments for his daddy. my mom, of course, for always being just a phone call away. and all my lovely ladies who are just as excited as i am! miss kim, whom i pray, something good happens so she doesn't have to go through what i did, and if she does, i will be there for her EVERY step of the way, samantha, who, shit, we go wayyyyy back! lisette and erika, because they knew what it was like. jessie for staying up late with me because of our insomnia. and my real family to help keep my head above the water. i'm sure i let like, a shit ton of people out so i apologize now. the only thing i have on my mind is... penispenisDADDYANDRYDER... and some more penis.
just sayin

i made it.
and just saying that gives me butterflies.
the next time i get behind the wheel of the durango, i will be going to base to pick up my husband. the next time i enter my house, it will be through my husbands set of keys, and his hand on the doorknob, entering our "home" and starting completely fresh. eventually, i will enjoy the BEST 8 second ride of my life. where we might end up creating our Lyvia... or, Jayce.
this time tomorrow we will be laying ryder down and laying next to each other just laughing, or talking my head on his chest. maybe watching a movie on the mac, or downstairs actin a fool on just dance three. or fuck, just sitting there staring at one another, i can deal with that.

because tonight;
he's here with me.

okay so just writing that took me like, 2 hours because i can no longer focus!!
i'm so very very thankful for all my readers, i have almost 9,500 page views!!! super stoked!!!
however i am sad to say i won't be using blogger for my next blog.
i dont want to continue to be stalked so i will find another site.
not to worry, my blogs are far from over!!!

love always,
CPL Nelson's Wife.
Ryders Mommy.
and one badass fucking female! :)

Saturday, October 22, 2011

day 205; my heart is broken.

day 205; operation deployment.

i do not think my soul and heart can bear to lose one more person i have ever loved in my life.
i was 13 when my aunt beth died.
not too long after, the father figure i had set for myself, dan meanovich, was killed by a train.
we lost greg sanders to the war in iraq, so shortly after he went over there.
then i lost joey to suicide. which was the hardest thing to get through.
greg and joey were my brothers best friends. i was around them often at track and cross country meets.
i looked up to them so much. 
a friend i sat next to in study hall and bullshitted with, didn't show up to school one day my sophomore year. he blew his brains out the night before.
one of my closest friends in elementary school, in 5th grade, was hit by a train my junior year. we hadnt talked since middle school, but it still affected me greatly.
my grammy passed away right after my 18th birthday. i have yet to actually grieve my loss, i have been so strong for my mom, i was all my mom had left. i remember everything about that week in the hospital, she fills my life every single day, and i know she is forever watching over my family and i.
my baby cousin bryce died, a few years later.
when i was with billy, everything about me died, even though my heart was still beating.  and in losing myself, i lost a life that didn't even begin.
when i moved out to california, my papa passed away.
during this deployment, a friend of mikes that he went through boot camp with, was killed in action.
a girl near my old hometown was murdered.
and now.
i loved sam, most of my life. he was such an amazing person, so bright and outgoing. with the perfect sense of humor.
he was a corpsman stationed at lejuene. him and i started talking again when mike and i were going through our rough patch. we wanted to see each other when i went to jacksonville but our schedules didn't really work out. i could have chosen sam, over mike. he was my long term crush growing up. and i honestly wondered, if i should be with him over mike. finally, i had my chance. and i passed it up.
sam and i stopped talking mainly because of mike. i was married and had moved out to california, and we just kind of faded from one another, but i still thought about him from time to time.
sam, died in a car accident this morning in tennessee.
i haven't been able to pull myself together after hearing the news. here i am, sitting, awaiting my husbands return, and such a big part of me died this morning.

growing up, i was so afraid to love anyone, to care about anyone. i pushed everyone away because i was just afraid that they would end up leaving me. my heart was shattered after each and every loss. my grammy, hit me the hardest. i was at the age where i could understand what was happening, being in the room, watching everything. and i became my mothers rock. watching my mother fall apart after losing her sister, her mom, then her dad. i hate being 2,200 miles away. just a voice over the phone. but i can see now, that out of everyone. my mom and i are closest. i love my mom, she's my best friend and i can not imagine my life without her. and i get scared, all the time. she doesn't take care of herself, she's depressed often, she chain smokes, and isn't in the best of health. i have to constantly push away the feeling of pushing her away because i know one day, i won't be able to handle her being gone. she is the one person i lean on the most, and i will not be able to live without her. i have done my best to kick the thoughts of pushing my loved ones away.
but today, that feeling came back.
and i have no idea what i have to do anymore to remove those thoughts from my head.
if you don't love anyone, or care about anyone, if you have just yourself.
when some leaves you, or dies... how can you be hurt?

i look down at my son, my beautiful, six month old baby. whom i fall in love with every single day, over and over again. i can't imagine not loving him, or his daddy. but some nights, i stare at him and i wonder, what would happen if he just, stopped breathing? what if, six years from now, something happens to him and i lose him too? i think, what if mike just, doesn't make it back? or if he does, what if he gets into a motorcycle accident and he leaves me too? everyone i love leaves me, or dies.
and it scares the living piss out of me.

i can not live like this.
but i can not stomach the thought of losing anyone else. people my age, are dying, left and right. kids i grew up with, played on the playground with. their parents knew my parents, we had the same friends, grew up in the same neighborhood. what is the reasoning behind all this?
and who's next?

rest easy bud,
i miss you already.
i miss texting and talking shit about the marine corps. and how you'd text me way too early in the morning because of the time difference.
and i will never, ever, forget that hour long late night phone call.
i took everything for granted and now i can never get it back.
you'll always be a hero of mine.
please, watch over mike for me. <3

Monday, October 17, 2011

day 199; all i need.

day 199; operation deployment.

last night on the phone, my mom and i laughed until we cried. how i was a sad excuse for a woman, and it was just like old times. i miss my mom. being here and doing this all on my own, has made me realize how like my mother i am. we are strong, brave, women. nothing for us is easy, and that gives us courage. this deployment has brought us so much closer, i don't know what i would do if i couldnt talk to her every day, laugh with her, make stupid jokes with her, talk about life, and love, our dreams and happiness. more and more everyday i hate that i am 2,200 miles apart from her. she is the one person i lean on the most and it scares me to think that one day i will have to live without her. sitting here, right now, i honestly do not think that is possible.

i have learned so much in the last 6 and a half months without my husband.
i learned how to be independent, and not scared of the things i use to. i use to not be able to sleep at all, when i was alone in a house. i hated the dark, i couldn't go outside at night time because i was convinced someone was going to get me. i survived a city power outage, where the entire city was black, i have survived thunderstorms, which i use to hate too. i adapted to life as i knew i would have to live it and i overcame every obstacle i never thought that i could.

i learned how to be a mom. before having ry, i didn't have much experience with babies. my niece and nephew were born when i was 16 and all i thought about was the army, boys, and gymnastics. i spent some time with them, but never by myself. and from the moment we came home from the hospital, i was alone. i had no guide to help me, no one to pass ryder off to when i needed sleep, or to shower, or to eat. i was completely by myself. i knew how to change a diaper, but that was all i knew how to do. i have fixed belly aches, tummy problems, sleepless nights, now, a runny nose. i have soothed night terrors, learned how to pack a diaper bag, i have YET to be peed on, or pooped on. however, puke and i were close the first few months, lol. i learned my son. i know what makes him smile, what makes him giggle, his tickle spots, his "sweet spots"... i know how to calm him down when he's mad, when hes upset, and when he's sleepy. i know his favorite toys, and how he feels usually before he feels it. i know the tricks to feeding him, and rocking him to sleep. i have taught him how to blow spit bubbles, to sit up, now attempting to crawl, though he's still stuck on pushups. i am an amazing mommy, to ryder, and our next four. :)

i have learned to be, a wife. i have stopped thinking only what i feel is best for me, but also michael and our family. here and now, as well as in the long run. i have shopped for care packages, figured out what he used out of them and what he didn't. i knew just want to send to pull at his heart strings, and what would make him feel better. i knew just how to make him smile. i did my best to bring my two boys closer, from a million miles apart. i was a good wife. while i sat around and watched other wives cheat, steal their husbands money, randomly move houses, go out and party all the time, hang out with other guys, i learned to respect my husband and not worry him by doing such things. i have learned to choose my battles wisely, some things just should not be brought up again. i have learned to attempt to let the past go, though i am not over most of the things he has done, i try not to bring it up, and push them from my mind. i have learned what time michael gets online, or when he would call. and i have proudly, only missed one phone call all deployment, and that was due to my cell phone malfunction. i have evaluated, and re evaluated our marriage, and sorted everything out in my own head, i have learned to talk things through and compromise, rather than demand my own way. i now enjoy being a wife instead of constantly think that i gave up my old life just to settle for this one.

i think i havent been happy a lot of this deployment, and i have felt like i wasn't living my own life. because i havent been. i'm a mommy and a wife and i havent really been able to do both at the same time yet, without michael here. i'm a far away wife, and a mommy here. i know once mike is back, things will be how i want them to be. i enjoy both duties. i will have to be on schedule and keep them going. pack his lunch, get things he needs, i won't be able to sleep all day just because, i'll have things i need to get done before mike gets home. i can't wait to try for baby number two, i live for being a mommy. the thought of being a soccer mom, driving Ryder to soccer practice, Lyvia to dance, wake up before everyone and pack 6 different lunches, then rush to the kids school because Jayce, again, forgot his homework on the kitchen table. i want to rush and make breakfast, go knock on Elyzibeth's door for a 4th time because she likes to sleep in late. i want to trip over baby Bentley's toys all over the living room that i just cleaned up the night before. i want to yell at mike for tracking mud in the house from the stables because he insists on wearing his street shoes to muck the stalls. the lazy sundays sitting on the back porch while the kids play tag, and chase after the dogs, mike and i sipping ice tea laughing at old times. or midnight horseback riding when the kids are in bed, falling in love again, over and over and over. i want to be that mom that takes too many pictures on the first day of school and cry when they get on the bus. i want to be alone, while all my kids are in school, and wish that they were there. i want to have thirty million loads of laundry to fold, 7 sets of plates and glasses to wash, a farm full of animals to feed. and finally getting my quiet time to read a book, look at the clock, and realize i have 15 minutes until the craziness begins again. those are the moments i live for, the future i hope for. the crazy beautiful life... that michael and i create.


because my handsome husband and our beautiful children and of course my mommy, are all i need in life. everyone else... just is no longer important.
thank you deployment.
for teaching me so, incredibly much!
i have never seen my life so clearly, or wanted anything else, ever so much, in my entire life.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

day 196; deployment changes everything

day 196; operation deployment.

six months ago.
i sat here, before this blogger website.
i wanted to leave my husband. i was tired and fed up with everything he had put me through. how much he had let others put me through. i felt nothing for the man who was the father of my son. i wouldn't allow myself to feel anything. i had been wronged one last time. and i was ready to walk away. something kept telling me to give it one more chance. i didn't want to. i couldn't. after being ripped apart time, and time, and time again. i wasn't going to let this happen to my son.
our son.
the slab of glue that held us together.
ryder was all we were both clinging to. 
on opposite ends of the world, i fell out of love with the man that i married. the man that i barely knew. i was pissed. i was stuck in a city i barely knew, alone, away from my mom. and i gave birth by myself. i was in a situation i didn't believe i could handle and i struggled. i absolutely struggled for over half of this deployment. i was pissed that i wasn't appreciated, that i was still getting walked on by people that i shouldn't. i was hurt. i was feeling pain from over a year ago, pain that had never been fixed. that it was just let go to linger inside of me.  i had nothing left...

somewhere during the time that i was giving up.
something inside of the man i married, began to change.

sitting alone out there in a desert country, on a bed not his own, in the boots that were not home. he closed his eyes and though of the wife that waited all alone.
he thought of the infant that not know his face. a man that loved him, from a far off place. a little boy that shared his name. his being away was the Marine Corps blame.
emails and pictures were sent, heartfelt letters were written. when i read them, i couldn't help but feel smitten. my head and my heart played a game of tug of war. but he showed me the man i use to adore. 
as time started to pass, huge changes were being made. little did i know, our marriage was being saved. something inside that man began to realize. with me and our son was where his future lies.
as we watched our baby grow, i watched my husband too. having a son, he now knew what he had to do. he wanted anything to have Ryder see, that he was safe with his daddy and me. he wanted to make sure, by the time he got home. that his little boy knew, he was never alone. he wanted nothing more than to make his family whole, patch things up with the wife, that was his goal. 
time passed too slowly, on his countdown to home. to hold his wife and son, who waited patiently alone. minutes like hours, hours like days. he hated every second that he was away. the moment he steps off that bus, his new life begins.
he's gonna make his wife fall in love again. <3

sitting here ow, i can't imagine myself anywhere but here. the changes i have seen in michael will never cease to amaze me. i honestly don't think a man can ever change as much as he has. i have watched him grow up in the last six months. i honestly don't think he was much of an adult before he left. he has a great head on his shoulders, he thinks for ryder and i before himself. he lives for his little boy, and it's the most amazing feeling. hearing him talk about his son gives me butterflies. our perfect little gift. i am happier than i have ever been in a relationship. i finally, truely, feel respected. at this moment i am not worried about any other girl getting in the way, as i have been in the past. i am attempted to keep the past where it belongs, but it does creep up on me sometimes. i am at the point of finally being able to move past what he has done. and lack thereof. i have come to the understanding that marriages really are hard work. love isn't enough to hold everything together at most points in time. but i am too young and beautiful to be hurt as i was. i have every bone in my body crossed that things stay this wonderful when he gets home. for awhile i thought it would just go back to how it was, but now i have more hope that it will stay good. his family is currently out of our lives until they can learn to respect me as his wife, as ryders mother, and prove to me that they can change too. michael has chosen not to talk to them for quite some time. he will no longer be speaking to his old "friends" in indiana, as they are still saying terrible, terrible things about me. nor have they been there for mike whatsoever, or cared to know anything about his son. i refuse to let any single one of them back into our lives. tough titties. i gave up my old life, he has no problem giving up people for our marriage. it is, what it is.

i am honestly glad that i stayed. i knew i couldn't keep my boys from each other, i just figured i would "settle" like my mom and my sister did, and give up my chance at happiness for the sake of our son. i am very glad now that i no longer have to do that. i can't believe the "men never change" rule anymore, because men that honest to god want to make things work, they change. oh, do they. someone asked me if i felt he tried so hard because he didn't want to lose his son, and honestly. i think he would have tried just as hard if it was just me.  hard to fucking believe. but someone actually wants to spend forever with me...
gosh, i love that man.

i always look at our old pictures and i always wonder how we got from there to here. we were two just goofy ass kids without a care in the world. we broke ALL the rules, we viewed life so differently. this kid that only listened to rap, went too fast on a motorcycle, didn't want a wife or kid weighing him down. has turned into this... family man. who wants to come home and knock me up already, and have five babies, even if that means he has to work forever. a man that cared what his friends thought, all the time. and was too nice when they hurt me. he carelessly threw them away. now, do i honestly believe he sees things the way i did and do with everything that has happened? that we agree on why these people are bad for us? or just how badly they hurt me? no. i'm not so sure on that. regardless, it doesn't much matter as to the why, but to the whats happened now. 

i remember one time, him and i, and his friend went to the beach. we had just started dating maybe, three weeks prior. we spent the night at ryans house, where the night before he pinky promised and sealed with a kiss that we would be together forever. like we were.. twelve. we drove to the beach and were there maybe, a whole twenty minutes. it started raining. we sprinted back to his car, getting soaked. and when we got in, we looked at each other and just couldnt stop laughing. we both looked a hot mess, my hair everywhere and frizzy. and he looked at me. and he said that i was beautiful. and he kissed me. that rain soaked kiss. i remember all of it. forever.

michael patrick.
do you remember when i was sitting on the edge of the bowl at whiting skate park?
i was wearing my favorite jeans and my white indiana hoodie. (what ever happened to that anyway?)
with my skater shoes with our matching lace dangling over the edge?
you were standing next to me, holding your skateboard between your fingertips like always?
i looked up at you.
you smiled at me.
i told you, "you're falling."
you replied, "so what if i am."
i said, if you were, you would kiss me.
you know what you did?

that's right. you got got on one knee, right there.
and you kissed me. 


Monday, October 10, 2011

day 193; two schlubs in love.

day 193; operation deployment.

as deployment comes to a close i am mixed and filled with a bajillion different emotions. and it's funny how my best friend lindsay can bring that out of me in the middle of the night. talking to her made me realize so much, as it does every time we talk. which is why we're soulmates.
if someone asked me the craziest thing i have ever done in my life. 
i'd roll my eyes and look at my husband.
and i would stare at him, glare at him, then smile.
michael patrick nelson.
does that answer your question?
i fell in love with this immature crazy ass kid that owned a motorcycle, carried around a skateboard, didn't have a job, drank too much, cared very little about important things. never wanted to get married, never wanted to have kids. wasn't really looking for love.
and i married him.
boy, was i a dumbass. <3

oh, michael. that sweet smile whenever i walked into a room, that goofy ass grin and giggle. blushing whenever he said he loved me in front of his friends. that crazy kid that drove me 160 MPH on his bike, without helmets, down a highway at night. he wasn't what i wanted. and for awhile i didn't know why i stuck around. 
and i look to the right of me. at this tiny sleeping boy.
with blonde hair and blue eyes matching his daddys.
and i know, it was all worth it.

i barely knew that boy when i married him. 
in all reality i had seen him face to face for 3 months.
ten day boot leave.
three out of ten days of emergency leave.
and one weekend.
the next time i saw him, i became his wife.
what little i did know about him, i didn't really like. we were complete opposites. i was podunk to his rap and metal. i would rather stay in bed all day and read a book, to his street racing and skateboarding. i cared about my career, he cared about having fun. his friends always got in the way. we didn't want the same things out of life. i wanted to settle down while he stayed carefree. we had different goals, hopes, and dreams. and somehow, in the mix of it all, we stopped caring about all of that.
mike and i fell in love quickly. that's who i was, i got too attatched, too fast, fell too hard, all the time. him, well, i don't know why he fell in love with me too fast.
we have made a lot of stupid mistakes.
and honestly, people still talk about my "forcing" him to have a baby. but that first pregnancy oops really changed our entire relationship right from the start. people can sit here and think it was all me. but i remember mike, getting excited toward the time we would find out, him whispering in my ear that i better eat, because i might be eating for two. the way he would eye my belly and make a pretend bump when he was behind me, with his arms. i knew there was something about him when all that happened and from the second it was over, he stepped up. he told jon no, that i wasn't going to get the morning after pill, he was just going to see where all this went instead. and that's why we just didn't prevent anything from happening after that. him and i risked everything the second week we were dating... we risked our entire lives together. and look where we are now.
in all honesty, i still don't know much about my husband.
and i am very much looking forward to getting to know him in a few weeks. him, as a brand new person. and him as a first time daddy. 
he has decided that he wants to TTC right when he gets back for a few months, and we would worry about next years deployment in a few months and see where things take us.
it won't be easy if i have to go through another deployment with a year and a half year old and a few month old. but there is nothing that i want more than to expend our family more and more. i left that choice up to him. it's been tossed around all deployment, so, here goes.

michael and i havent always gotten along. we have had some really difficult battles. we have both given up quite a few things on each our ends, to make things meet in the middle. at the beginning of this deployment, i honestly didn't see us making it any farther than halfway before i got fed up and went back to indiana. he saw how done i was, and started to realize he shouldnt have done a lot of the things he had recently done and all it took was ryder... seeing ryder for the first time on skype. for him to step up and change. he hasn't slipped up in months, he has been making all sorts of good choices for us and our family. he usually thinks before he speaks now, and he has grown up, so, so much. and i couldnt be more happy with the man that he has become. i'm no longer AS nervous about our marriage and family as i was before. so that helps these last few ticking weeks to go a little more smooth. 

since meeting mike and moving away, i had to grow up myself. i couldnt run to my mommy anymore. i couldnt ask her for money or financial help. she was a phone call away, but only sometimes because our schedules conflicted. i was on my own, with a new husband, and a baby in my belly. i had to learn to cook, clean, shit, even do laundry. i wasn't that spoiled little mommys girl anymore. i was thrown head first into life. i had to learn to be a wife and a mom, basically, on my own. we struggled, we went through some hard times. this deployment has royally fucked my asshole. and it has been anything but easy. but i grew up too.
i realize now who and what is important.
i don't tolerate people, whatsoever. turns out i'm also not much of a people person.
i know right from wrong, i know what i should and shouldnt mess with.
i learned how to care for a baby all on my own! changing a diaper was easy, juggling it all on a few hours of sleep wasnt so much. i dealt with some colic, acid reflux, a baby that couldnt keep ANY food down and wasnt gaining anything. i learned how to get to doctors appointments on time, how to pack a diaper bag, i learned how to be responsible and not forget anything. i had to care for a whole new person that can't talk and tell me anything.
i know how to handle life a million times better now. all because i uprooted myself and left an easy life.  and i have grown up to be such an amazing woman, wife, and mother, because of that.

i don't ask people to understand.
people will always have their opinions.
that i married him for the money.
military doesn't pay shit.
that i married him to get out of my moms house.
...i miss my mom.
she's my best friend and has been for years and it's killing inside and out to be away from her. 
because i married him for all he has?
lmao. he was unemployed. i worked my ass off. i would have been downgrading myself if i left all that for that reason. come on people, lets be serious here.
love makes you do bass ackwards things.

we rushed into things.
over 2 years later we're still together.
we're making it work, day by day.
because our love is strong enough to do so.
that's all i have to say about that.

i have fallen in love with him all over again.

yes, i met my husband and fell into that little thing called puppy love.
i married a man i barely knew.
i left the only life i have ever known and moved across the country.
i got pregnant.
i had our son on my own during an Afghanistan Deployment.
i struggled, for six and a half months.
when my husband walks off that bus, in all reality, it will be like the first time we met... and we will have to get to know each other for the first time.
call my crazy.
but all this is the best thing to ever happen to me.



Saturday, October 8, 2011

day 190; at this very moment.

day 190; operation deployment.

at this very moment, while my husband sits in another country.
thinking about the son he has yet to meet.
and the wife who's touch he has long forgotten.
i put away his new pt shirts, his new pt shorts.
i hang up the new clothes i have gotten him during deployment.
i pick everything up off our bedroom floor.
and once again, stare at his side of the bed where his dogtags hang.
i put his shoes away downstairs.
his new toothbrush placed gently in the holder in our bathroom.
his shower gel and scrubby in the shower.
i wash the last of his clothes that i have worn in the past 6 and a half months.
i put everything in its place.
because time is running out.
my beautiful husband, is coming home. <3

less than fingers and toes.

Friday, October 7, 2011

day 189; silly little pipe dream.

day 189; operation deployment.

when i think back to two years ago, i never would imagine sitting here, right now, my son three feet away, sound asleep, married, on the opposite side of the country. with the man i swore i'd marry yet, he couldn't have a family of his own further from his mind.
finally; somewhere i belong. 
i had spent 20 years just trying to survive, make a name for myself.
 and i never mattered, to anyone.
i was this, invisible broken little piece of glass. 
i tried so hard, for so many years. to try to get approval of people that never should have mattered in the first place. i made myself be who i thought they wanted me to be. and it turns out, i was just wasting time.
i spent 20 years following footsteps, walking in shadows.
their shadows, never really were big enough for me.

michael and our son, is the only thing i have never had to share with anyone. michael loves me for everything that i am. ryder loves me for everything that i am not. just being alive, being me, has always been good enough. people look at us, and see how we rushed things. how fast we fell in love. and this deployment has really opened my eyes to why.
we were two small beings in the world, with nothing but ourselves.
we were never good enough in anyone else's eyes but each others.
we were pushed around, knocked down, and struggled to survive.
and then we found each other and suddenly, everything just fit.
we didn't have to try anymore.
thats the one amazing thing about the two of us and our relationship.
we didn't have to try to fall in love with each other. we didn't have to know every little piece of the others heart. because i was his missing piece, he, was mine.

i never fit in. i tried to hard to find a place in this world and i never found it. i wasnt smart like my sister, i wasnt this amazing athlete like my brother. the only "odd" i rose above that no one thought i was, was not getting pregnant in high school. nothing i wanted to do met anyone else's standards. i was that tempermental teenage promiscuous girl, that looked in all the wrong people for love. my brother so carelessly, without a thought or care in the world, threw me from his life and hasn't talked to me in over 3 and a half years now. i clung so close to my sister, but she was never really there at all. i wrote her such a heartfelt letter a few weeks ago and i know she received it. but she didn't even let me know she got it, or appreciated it. after over a year, i begged her to add me to facebook so she could be connected to her only nephew.
and tonight, i deleted her.
i felt the pieces of my heart break. but i finally let her go too.

its hard, growing up in a world where you don't belong in. that everyone who has a face makes you believe you're not even good enough to breathe. people that taunt you, make fun of you, make you feel worthless. year after year, you're a doormat. and you just let them. there comes a time where you put a stop to it, hold your chin up.
and stop giving a fuck.

the day i met mike, i was already done with men. i didn't bother getting very pretty, i was just my usual self. i had on jeans and gym shoes as he asked. i was wearing a giant black helmet for god's sake. i stuffed my face with nachos and i shared secrets with him i never told anyone else. and he liked me anyway. the first time i spent the night with him, he kissed my morning breath and wanted to shower together. he saw my messed up frizzy hair, he saw my messy house. he never once, judged me. i didn't have to fit a mld for him to fall in love with me. i was just me, and finally, i belonged.
he's the only ting that has ever really been, just mine.
him and ryder are the only things i have ever been really good at.
amazing how two broken pieces of this world.
come together and form the best thing i have ever know.
and grown to love.

i love you, silly little pipe dream.
thank you for being mine.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

day 177; rest in paradise sweet baby girl.

day 177; operation deployment.

today, a beautiful baby girl passed away. i did not know her, i did not know her mother, but i care about them both very, very much. aubree rose was born 5lbs and 14oz. she was in and out of this world, in 3 hours time. as i sat at my macbook and read the news from a close friend of mine, tears fell down my face. i cried, for someone i had never met.
aubrees mother, is a young mother and at first was not sure she wanted to continue the pregnancy. but she fell in love with her unborn baby. a few weeks ago she had a doctors appointment, thinking maybe this was it. my friend and her, sat in her baby girls nursery, hanging pink clothes on little hangers, everything set up. they went to the doctors, my friend holding her video camera, just in case. 
when that wasn't the case at all.
the doctor told aubree's mother than she would give birth to a daughter that wouldn't live more than 24 hours. aubree had thanatophoric dysplashia. her little chest was just too small, and her lungs would not grow. she was told, when her daughter was born, she would not look normal. that she would carry her daughter until it was time for her to come. and when she said hello, she must also say, goodbye. 
i am 22 years old. i have a 5 month old son. and i could not imagine what this strong young woman is going through. she carried aubree, kicking, hiccuping, and moving around until aubree decided, it was time to say hello, and goodbye. she went into labor last night and the young couple prayed for the best. 
aubree rose, did not make it. 
her mom, went in, with a kicking, wiggling, little baby. and gave birth to her daughter. her beautiful daughter, whom everyone loved so much already. she will be discharged tomorrow, walking out of the hospital with empty arms, to a house with no crying baby, no diapers to change, no formula to buy.
all i have seen on facebook today is pissing, whining, and moaning. 
your cell phone stopped working.
you havent seen your boyfriend in a few days.
you can't decide what you want to cook for dinner.
and you, you women that are pregnant. and complain about horomones, cravings, morning sickness. i want to slap each and every freaking one of you. have you no respect for yourself or your unborn child?! be THANKFUL for every little piece of pregnancy you endure. praise everything that is worthy that you will never lose your child as my friends best friend did. you have no idea how disgusted you have made me today, all of you! because of what this beautiful woman went through. you all are so ungreatful.
everyone takes life for granted. i know well enough to try my best not to. because there was many nights i didn't think i would make it through the night.
what i went through with ryder, everything before he was born, and everything now. he could be screaming his head off at this very moment. i wouldn't care, because my son is here. he is alive, breathing, and healthy. while another baby was ripped away from her mother, without standing a chance in this world.
it kills me, how i have never met this woman and yet, i have more respect and care for her more than i care about half of my friends on facebook. talking about how "abortion" is wrong. when none of you, not one of you, understands a god damn thing in this world when it comes to babies! or what your life might be like, or what theirs will be like. i'm so sick of everyone! who only think about themselves and not anyone else. you, you all rub your perfect little stupid lives in everyones faces, while all over the world, mothers lose their children, husbands die in war, brothers stop talking to their sisters, a single mother struggles...
shut the fuck up.
and take a look at your life.
your husband sleeping upstairs, safe and sound in america.
your children tucked in bed after three full meals a day, clean clothes and a bath.
look down at your belly. the place where a little tiny living being. his or her heart is beating.
and take a look at yourself.
your life isn't that bad, stop complaining.
you have it easy.

it took, something this gigantic, to happen to me, to slap me in the face. a beautiful girl whom i have never met, or talked to, only have as a friend on facebook. to make me realize, that people make me so disgusted. i never expected something like this to affect me whatsoever. but it did. i bawled my eyes out, curled in a ball, at the hurt this even caused me. and wishing there was something that i could do.
and i realized, i want to delete over half of the people from my page so i didn't have to read about their happy lives that they complain about every day.

i try so very hard not to complain. hence why i rarely post negativity on facebook, and friday i was in a bad mood so i didn't post.
because i.
i am a lucky one.
and even though life is tough and sometimes it sucks. and i can't wait to catch a break from this everyday marathon, i know.
that i have been given such an easy life compared to some.

lindsay, i love you.
ashley, i'm here for you.
aubree rose, watch over your mommy and daddy and auntie lindsay.
don't worry ashley and andrew. i promise, promise, promise you.
that my gaurdians will forever look after her, and never let her forget how much you both loved her.

Aubree Rose.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

day 173; decisions.

day 173; operation deployment.

today, MO came back home.
and we decided to go to the college and job fair on base today.
i can honestly tell you, the thought of going back to school excites me. even though i'm pretty bummed i will be doing it online. good thing because then i will never have to be apart from my baby boy, but i really wanted more of a college experience. that's alright, i enjoy the sacrifice. :)
we are both looking into criminal justice, me, as usual!
as much as i think i would enjoy psychology, every time i read a murder mystery, watch svu, read something in the paper, i get that little tingle. like i know it's the one thing i want to do. and i know it won't be easy. but with her, it will be a little easier. besides, study dates away from the husbands. haha, just kidding guys!
annnd, thanks to miss amber for watching indy, i get to go to LA with her for a week with her. our final little get away and BANG before the guys come home. which is WAY soon after we get back so this week is going to be hella crazy busy getting things done. so all we have to do when we get back is wait, and relax. and enjoy the end of Deployment. gah!!

i also had to make another tough decision tonight, one i didn't expect to have to go so far as making.
i have made the final choice not to allow my mother in law in ryder or i's life.
as i said earlier in the week, after countless emails, and no response, i was done and had enough.
she emailed me a week and a half ago, and texted me last week and i didn't respond. this, is my way or being polite. well, she took it further.
i get a friend request from a "doreen" a few days ago. it took me a few minutes to put the name together, but she is one of trish's friends. whom, i have never met. first, you can't search kimberly nelson, or michael nelson, and come up with our name on facebook. trish must have given her the link to it. she had the nerve to attempt to add me, clearly the request was denied. when i went to my mother in laws page to block her, once again, because she can't respect me enough to stay off my page, i saw that doreen had posted two albums from MY page, to trish's. apperently i had them open to the public. but to go to the lengths to post them to her wall?! so, they were both blocked, along with tiffany. they can't respect me enough to call him by the correct name, or ask me for photos, so they go and stalk me on the internet. when i have told them countless times. you want to see ryder, you have to ask. i won't allow them in my personal life and allow them access to information they do not need to know. they have yet to ask to see pictures. and they have done nothing to deserve me going out of my way, like i always do, to send them any. later that night trish got on yahoo messenger and sent me an IM. she automatically went off on me saying...
"Well, I have tried to communicate with you but you do not respond. It is okay for you not to communicate for a few weeks but not for me.  I didn't quit communicating until you said it was to hard to keep up without a computer and I was giving you the chance to get it running again and I am the bad guy. Not.  So I guess I have to wait until Mike gets home to find out about our grandson because apparently you are deleting my emails to him."
first, i have deleted one email from his mom, one email from his sister. they were both complaining about how terrible their lives are, giving themselves a little pity party. and honestly, mike doesn't need that out there. no one does. i deleted them and i told mike about it. he didnt ask me not to. he knows, whatever he asks of me, i will or will not do. but other than that, he doesn't even care to respond anymore! he's constantly saying "i dont know what to say back" so, he just doesn't. so, she just assumes i delete them. lady, i have a life, i don't monitor my husband emails like you seem to think i do. i knew that bitchy one was comin because you sent me the same shit the day before. not my problem that you're so annoying your own son wants nothing to do with you!
so, i was rather proud of my husband. he laid it out for her. told her, to stop trying to get ways to see ryder. it was no ones fault but their own for treating me as they did and i have every right to hang onto the terrible things they did. he was sick of them treating me like crap, it was making him mad. that the drama would stop one way or another, they wouldnt see ryder until i was ready, and if they didn't like it, he's gonna say "peace" to them as well. 
tonight, she replied.
she told him that he is only getting only one side of the story. that i was sending her "not so nice" emails. [which, SN, i read to monique and my mom before i ever send anything because i don't need MORE drama from this woman, all i want is to get my point across and get her to get it through her thick skull what we're trying to say!]  that she has been nothing but nice to me, that all she has been trying to do was help. that "just because she hasn't sent something every month to you or Ryder, i'm not worth a shit." and "she don't (ugh, she has no grammar sense!) realize that i have to pay all my own bills because i don't have a husband to help me, so i can't send things like her mom and dad do."
and then she goes on telling him that she wasn't trying to add me to facebook, that i had blocked her from seeing my page. that doreen had asked what ryder looked like, so she sent her to our page and apparently accidently hit the "add friend" button because her "keypad is super sensitive."

did anyone else just palmface?!?

first, save the sob story. my parents struggle to get by everyday. but they still do all that they can for ryder. nor do they send things every month for him. but i DO talk to my mom every day and she does ask questions about ryder. she knows more about him than mike does right now. she's involved without being around. caring about my son isn't constantly sending him gifts. that helps mike and i out. loving and caring about him is know what's going on in his life, getting to know him constantly because he always changes. my mom knows his favorite foods, how much he eats and how often, how he likes to sleep, what makes him happy, everything. that's being a grandparent. not every so often asking, "how is ryder?" because i'm going to tell you he's fine.

p.s. trish. YOU chased that husband of yours away. i have met the man and i am pleased he isn't having to deal with you anymore. want to cry about not having a husband? look in the mirror. you were a one night stand and got you knocked up and he stuck around. that takes a real man to do. he's a great guy and he loves his son. he loves his daughter in law, and his grandson as well. he showed that the three times i met him! more love and support than i ever will from you!

second of all, boo hoo. mean ole kimmy wasn't being very nice. which then, i was. now, i'm not.

and lastly. everyone look at a random profile.
look to the left, the profile photo.
look to the right, the "add friend" button.
now look back, and forth, really fast!
yep, look at that! opposite sides of the effing page.
and hey! if you accidently send a request. there's also a "cancel request" button.
who woulda thought?
i smell bullshit!

everyone says, "when you get married, you marry your in laws."
my mother in law is a psycho, my sister in law is a slut that's going nowhere in life, and my wonderful father in law, the best of the bunch, is never around or reachable.
none of them were present at my wedding, i don't marry a single one of them.

i married my beautiful michael. 
i had ryder, to have our family blossom.
and i love my son more than anything in this entire world, words can not begin to explain. 
and i just can't do this from him.
trish seems to be wanting to tear us apart. she never lets things lie and she whines to mike that his wife was being mean, and is almost telling him that i'm lying to him.
as much as i was worried in the beginning about what would happen to our little family, i'm not now. and he's going to choose us, EVERY time.
i know that i have no right in making mikes decisions in his life and i will not let this crazy woman come between us. he is still able to email, call, text, skype, whatever, this... thing. it's his mom, no matter how screwed up in the head she is. but he is not to mention either ryder, nor i. nor send photos of either one of us.
i have struggled to raise my child alone. i have lost sleep, weight, and hair doing so. i have calmed temper tantrums, kissed boo boos, solved a tummy issue.. everything. i'm his mom.
and the final word, is always mine.

good luck trish.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

day 169; ended battle.

day 169; operation deployment.

the battle with my mother in law, is over.
she emailed me last weekend and i had an email typed out and i just, deleted it. i had given her until last sunday to contact me back after over a month. sunday evening she finally emailed me back trying to justify herself, and telling me she wanted another chance for ryder. figuring she wouldnt email back, i had already cut emotional ties. it just wasnt right or fair of her to come and go and do as she pleases. not to me, i dont even care. but ryder. i dont want her to be a grandparent when she wants to. and him growing up wondering why she doesnt care much about him. i told michael about my decision and he understood and supported it. i was really peeved at how, in her email, she claimed to know what i was going through. that even made mike angry, because she doesn't have a clue. yes, she got divorced, mike was six. the first few years, she had troy, no matter how little he seemed to be around. she also lived a mile from her own mom. and though yes, she raised the kids by herself, if she needed a break she had that option. i have been doing it completely and solely on my own. i havent been away from ryder for more than an hour in 5 months. i do not have my mom, i do not have my husband.
how is this the same!?
she texted me later in the week asking how ryder and i were doing. i really had nothing to say. it had bugged me that i chose not to respond back to her email, and now her text message. i was actually beating myself up because of it. regardless of my dislike for this woman, i do have a heart. and it had been a struggle on what i should do. and then today, one of her friends adds me to facebook. i'm not friends with trish on there, and our named aren't searchable because theyre one, so how did she find us, if it wasnt because of trish? and why would i add someone i had never met? why would they even think this stuff was okay!? someone must think i'm stupid. the last thing i wanted was to cause issues between my husband and i over her. so finally, i broke down and talked to him about it.
he told me not to even worry or bother with her until he got home. that she causes me more stress than i need right now. and even he doesnt really care about the situation. sadly, this deployment has showed him who and what is really important. good for ryder and i, bad for everyone else.  he sees where i am coming from with all of this. and he shared with me some info that didn't really settle with me about her from his childhood. i just, can not get passed any of it. i have tried so hard.
i cant forgive her for literally screaming in my face for one minor mistake when it came to indy and him being a puppy right before mike left.
i cant forgive her for putting everything i had in mikes room in a box after the left for bootcamp, threatening to call the cops if i didn't give the keys mike had given me back to her.
i cant forgive her for telling us indy could stay at her house while mike was gone so long as i took him to the vet, and bought everything he needed, and didnt even give me that chance to do so. 
i can't forgive her for constantly making things awkward for both mike and i.
or forgive her for causing so much drama between us and keeping me away from him the one time he needed me the most.
i can't forgive her for coming at me, thinking us getting married and not telling anyone was MY fault.
and i won't forgive her for calling me an immature bitch and blaming me for taking mike away from the ones that really cared about him.
i can't forgive her for when she was here, and the drama before she was here, and her saying she was staying in a hotel and didn't. 
she always tried to get mike t be on her side and of course that would cause problems between the two of us.
and i can not, will not, and never will forget. the lack of giving a damn when it came to mike and this deployment. for not emailing him more, encouraging him more, boosting his spirits. for not sending him an actual card on his birthday, or sending just him something special. instead of making up excuses and complaining about everything in her life. i can never forget her for mikes childhood, and the way he feels now because of it, or the way she treats him. 
i always said that everyone deserves a second chance and i gave her one when ryder was born. i had told myself that when mike left, that was it. i wouldnt talk to her until she got back. i wouldnt even tell her that ryder was born. but i did the right thing. where did it get me? really, nowhere. so, i'm done.i have tried for so long and have gotten nowhere. i will never be good enough for mike to anyone but mike himself, and my family. mikes real family.

everytime ryder smiles, i know i have to protect him. when i hear his cry or see his lip quiver, i know that i can never let anyone hurt him. what if she does to ryder, what she has done to us? i never want to see my baby hurt. i love him too much. i never want his feelings to get hurt, or to be yelled at. or to wonder why daddys mommy never calls. i have to protect them. both of them, my beautiful boys. 
the first moment i held ryder, i promised him that i would protect him for the rest of his life.
what kind of mother would i be, if i lied?
oh, right....

Friday, September 16, 2011

day 168; the HURT book.

day 168; operation deployment.

while i was sitting in my therapists office the other day, i couldn't help but think.
what has this strange lady have in common with me?
i highly doubt she has gone through anything i have ever been through. instead of focusing on why i was there, she was digging into my past for nothing. she had my on edge like i was about to say the wrong thing. i left that office a different woman and i realize, counseling really isn't for me. what i need are the men and women around me, that have gone through pain, have known hurt of some kind, to pull me through. what this world needs, is a place to come together. to share their stories anonymously, to read others stories to know that theyre not alone. sure, there are plenty books for this, but where is the closeness in typed words?
and then, i got a brilliant idea.

the hurt book.
you remember those silly chain mail letters you use to do in elementary school where you wrote the same letter ten times and sent it to another person, and that person did the same? and it was sent all over the world?
what if we all did that, in a composition notebook, or two, or three?
but we shared our stories? we made a collection of them and passed them throughout the world to one another, and have more than one throughout the united states. no one has to know who you are, all you have to put is your first name, and your state. you can write as little and as much as you want to. and pass it on to someone else.
no one will be judged, or over analyzed. no one would feel like an outcast. it would just me, an outlet. an outlet that can't be done with just an email.
a place where, you will always fit in. to share all your hurts and secrets.
and no one can put a name to your face. 

if i get enough people interested. please pass this post around. i will start my story in book number one. 
i will make a list of rules and start collecting addresses, and setting up an email list.
i would like to collect $2 from each member, for shipping costs.
i will take inputs as to what you all would like to see come of these books. 
to help YOU.
without the costs and expense of counseling.
without the feeling of being judged.
and to let the world know.
that they are never alone.

please email;
if interested.

if i get even 10 people interested, i will start as soon as i possibly can to help you all get you stories across. these stories will not go anywhere that you don't want them to go. after each writer, i will ask for them to be sent back to me so that they are not lost amongst everyone. a bubbled envelope will do, which doesn't cost very much at all.
the home base will be in california, however my main goal is to get the book(s) to each state.
when each book it finished, i plan to keep all the stories private. if you wish to have them published, i am willing to do so. i will wrap all stories up into one book after 6 months time. 
if this takes off, which i very much so hope that it does, i will create more books to pass around. anything from crazy in laws, deployment, pregnancy and beginning motherhood, to relationship problems.
if you do not wish for your story or questions to go anywhere, i wouldn't mind individual notebooks. at $2 per member, or $3 per above member. just start your story, anything you want to say, or know, or want advice on, and send me an email, i will give you my address.

please, lets stop the worlds hurt.
write it down.
and speak out.