Wednesday, August 31, 2011

day 153; stop the silence.

day 153; operation deployment.

here i sit.
in another home.
across the country.
yet i am alone.
it's been so long.
since i let the bruises fade.
then why won't the pain.
just go away?
i can't help.
the way i feel.
i know what i reach deep down.
what happened was real.
i can't stay strong.
all the time.
but the only thing i know.
is this life;
is now mine.

tonight, i am at my all time low. i have sunk back into depression that i, myself, can not get myself out of. this "strong" girl that every views as so strong, goes days and weeks, without wanting to live. without wanting to get out of bed. when i know i have more to live for.
i have pushed myself through this deployment, alone, for as long as i can. and i know that the time is coming to have the one person that makes me forget to be by my side. it doesn't make a difference tonight.
you would think, after years and years, things would get better. pieces fall back into place and it wouldnt hurt anymore. it doesn't hurt, it just kills me. every particle of my being.
i was abused.
i let someone push me around.
and every single fucking day of my life.
i blamed myself.

do you know what its like to hurt, with every fiber of your being? from your hair follicles, to your toe nails? or how, you're walking along, and start to stumble, you try to catch yourself on the wall but you crash to the ground? or burst into tears for no reason, when life is good, memories just have to fuck it all up, and ruin everything?
my brain, is ruining my life.

one thing always leads to another.
yesterday i found out, my beloved pickup truck, was gone. johnny walker was more than a truck, a hunk of metal, to me.
i bought that truck when my Buick stopped running and i had to rely on Billy to get places. and if he didn't want me to go, i didn't go. when i bought that truck, i stepped up to him. i went back to college, i started working for PSC. i pulled myself away from that situation, i grew into myself and eventually, my world was torn apart. you would think, after not seeing someone for years, you would stop seeing them around every corner? i still know every detail, of billys face.
i remember his scent.
the glaze in his eyes when he's beating me.
the smirk on his face when he has beaten tears from my eyes.
i remember our apartment. where everything took place.
i still can not see a electric blue saturn ion, with suicide doors, without cringing. 
i have moved 2,200 miles away from the place that it took place, and i still look over my shoulder at every intersection, whenever i step outside my house.
somedays i wake up and i feel him, my skin crawls.
everyday billy was in my life, i fought to survive.
then why do i hate myself, for attempting to live?
i'm not living.
i'm just somehow, getting by.

i can't look at pictures that were taken in our old apartment. the memories are like a punch to the gut. i can still describe the place perfectly. i still remember... everything. i want to forget. i want to let it all go. i just can't do it anymore. i have never wanted to die, i just want to.. forget. pretend it didn't happen. but why is that so incredibly difficult?
i am the victim of domestic violence.
ashley is the victim of the same monster.
we are both, beautiful women, with loving men in our lives. and even through all the tough times, we tend to get through. but he is always following us. like the plague. and interrupts our current lives.
he took our hearts and he broke them to pieces.
but he still remains in our heads. but how do we break them?
to release the monster within?

i have been battling depression for the past 6 years of my life.
and finally, a week from now, i will enter my first clinic, to talk about what i went through.
when i was making the appointment i as asked a little about my abuse, and they asked me, if what i went through, affected me today.
i told them no.
and that was the biggest lie of my life.
everything billy did, every day, i got out alive, ruins things for me today.
how i cant always be happy.
how i cant smile because things are so good.
how i will never feel comfortable in my own skin, and constantly be afraid.
i push my husband away and i control things he does, because of what i went through. and though he's beginning to understand, it still doesn't make it right.
i dont know what to do. i have tried since may 11th, 2009, to fix myself. to make the pain stop. to erase the memories, and what happened to me. i have written it down, i have talked about it. i have done everything.
and even now...
he's still there.

i found some pictures on my old facebook of Billy.
i can finally put a face to his name for the entire world to see.

this; was my monster.

i never pray. i do not believe in god. 
but someone, tonight.
please pray that i survive.

Monday, August 29, 2011

day 151; saving someone else.

day 151; operation deployment.

tonight, i tried saving a life.
sitting here typing this, i have no idea if it made a difference. but for once in my life, i stepped up and did what i felt i needed to do.
i went to Moniques house, as i usually do on Sundays, and while i'm unloading my car of my child, a man and woman across the street were screaming at one another. now, i try not to get involved in other peoples personal business, but i overheard, after all the "fuck yous, go to hells" i hear,
"don't you dare drive like that when there's a baby in the car."
this pickup truck was driving like a maniac. going back and forth down the street and in and out of the driveway, going about 50 an hour. just yelling and screaming at this woman i suppose to be his wife. she's absolutely screaming at him. i went inside and put ryder down, and continued to listen. mo said they had been going at it for a few hours. but when i heard about the baby, i knew i had to do something.
as she's threatening to call the cops, i leave ry inside, and i walk to the end of the drive way, telling her not to worry, that i was already dialing the police for her. the man overheard me, and started threatening me. 
finally, i held my ground. 
i talked to the dispatcher and told her what was going on, as the guy in the truck took off with the baby. i walked up to the woman, who was getting into her own car, to ask if she was okay. she told me she was fine, as she loaded about a 7 year old child into her car, and informed me that they were leaving. she told me the child was in the carseat, didn't give me a name of the guy, and said they had just gotten the truck so she didn't know the plate number.
and she drove off.
about 20 minutes later a deputy knocked on the door and asked us for what we knew, and said they would keep an eye on it for us. and to call back if we heard anything else.
i know, it more than likely didn't do much, and there was nothing the police could do with the man not present, but at least i tried.
when a man tells a woman to "fuck herself" i know it isn't right.
when i was 19, i couldn't help myself, i was yelled at constantly, and knocked around. and lost a child because of it. i wasn't about to stand by and watch that happen to anyone else in the world.
finally, after years of abuse, i have the guts to make a stand in this world. i have my feet on the ground and i am no longer terrified of life. 
and tonight, at least i can say that i tried.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

day 147; my teenage dream.

day 147; operation deployment.

another school year starts and alot of people i went to high school with have already graduated college.
i look back on their last few years of life and see a lot of parties, a lot of boyfriends and girlfriends, changes in their majors. still in the same old city we grew up in. a lot, still with their parents. some have babies, but not too many have their baby daddys in their lives. i see how unhappy a lot are, or the ones with degrees, they do nothing with. i'm sure those years are fun. and sometimes, i wish i could have gone away to college, have a roommate, gone to parties on the weekends. i could have slept with far more guys than i have, trying to find one to love me.


i married a man that i barely knew.
i said goodbye to him before boot camp after only being in his life three short months. i wrote him a letter every single day, and i flew to San Diego for that next first kiss.
we struggled through a pointless, very painful break up, and i chased him to the east coast and watched him fall in love with me all over again, if he had even fallen out of love with me at all.
that was the last weekend i saw him before he flew home and made me his wife.
three months.
ten days.
emergency leave.
and one weekend.
thats all the time that i got to see my boyfriends face before i became his wife.

exactly one year after meeting Michael for the first time, we arrived across the country from our hometowns, twentynine palms.
we didn't know it yet but at that time, we were pregnant with Ryder.
one year to the day he first kissed me, we moved into our first house together as husband and wife. 
almost a year to the day that we first had our first unprotected sex, baby scare, we had a positive pregnancy test. 
and two years after we first met, Michael was in Afghanistan. 
things haven't been all that easy until he got a reality slap in the face. but we worked every little thing out and things have been almost perfect for a few months now.
and i wouldn't trade it for anything.
i love him more than i have ever loved anyone.

time; oh terrible time
is the one thing that you can never get back. 
i don't see a point in dating for 4+ years before marriage. the person you started dating changed over 4 years time, so you can't ever base a marriage on knowing one person. because that person, won't be that person for very long. 
i watch so many people carefully plan out their lives, with a degree, a steady boyfriend, a long engagement, then a huge wedding. but why? a wedding doesn't prove that you will make it work. years, and time, don't tell you, "hey! they're always going to treat me this way and things will be good!"
because i bet you, they won't be.
so whats the point in waiting?

the best loves in life, are the ones you least expect.
the man you least expect to fall in love with.
i have to admit, i noticed mikes bike before i noticed his face, and at the time, i liked someone else. 
everything in life falls into place.
no matter what.
if one man hurts you, maybe that's not who you're suppose to be with. or maybe it is. because it builds you up, while tearing you apart. you go down this bumpy road until one day you're in this huge clearing, of sunshine and a summer breeze and realize, "this. this is where it should be."
thats exactly what i have.

college, ends.
degrees, go to waste.
parties, die.

true love, never ends.
and neither will my love for my husband and my son.
always, always.

another side note, since a worthless person said to be "family" irritated me.
i  want to point out that the statement, "without family, you have nothing"
is incredibly false.
Michael and I only have our moms, and sometimes our dads, and a sibling, involved in our life. we go over a year without seeing them, he rarely talks to his, i only talk to my mom. we live across the country and we all miss out on each others lives.
he's a pathetic drunk, of 30 years old, lives in his moms old house, clearly, has no priorities, will more than likely never get married or have a family.
decides to tell me that i need to cherish the love and friendship of family and if i didn't hate everyone and think their bitches, i would have a family.
oh, how him and his drunk ass father give Michaels a bad name. tsk, tsk. what a shame.

i sure do have a whole fucking lot without having their "love and friendhsip"
how can i even call them family? when they never ask how i am, or whats new with me. none of them congratulated me on my son. they just judged me for it. and yet they live such sad, pathetic lives. my brother, and three older cousins, don't even have significant others, and will never know the true meaning of family.
i love how my aunt gave us shit at our wedding reception, and her son gave us a box of condoms.
about how "oh, usually you wait a decent amount of time to marry someone that you first bring around your family. we've only met him twice."
bitch, he was in TRAINING.
and i'm sorry that the ones your kids date for "a decent amount of time" can't hold onto someone.
she also told me i was "line jumping"
that marriage should come in the order of the grandkids and ages.
so, my 20 year old cousin that has never been in a serious relationship, my 26 year old brother that has never had a girlfriend, as well as my 24 year old cousin, who has never had a serious boyfriend.. i'm suppose to wait for my "right of passage" before getting married, waiting in line until i DIE?! you've got to be shitting me.
that even pissed Michael off, seeing as that was the day he told me he wanted to stop trying for a baby. and then he was so heated, he said "fuck it, lets do it anyway"
and handed that box of condoms to Jon.

and then when i went back to indiana for my papas funeral, my brother told me that no one cared about what i had to say, i flat out called my aunt a bitch and walked the fuck out of the house, walked 15 miles home in the heat, in flip flops, 8 weeks pregnant because it was better than being around those people.
because being pregnant, she tried judging me even more?!
going back there was a mistake.
and after papa died, the family fell apart. and i am so thankful i wasn't there to watch it.
and never will be.

[p.s. this is my moms side. the Patersons and my dads, i have never had one single issue with. they have supported me and loved me my entire life. they have never ever judged me. i love and miss all of them dearly, and i wish we all talked more often. THAT, is family. the other side.. i don't belong in. never have and never will.]

my family is my husband and our son.
first and foremost.
my mom, and my dad.
my niece and nephew, who, have almost forgotten me.
monique and steven.
my dads side of the family.
and the few close friends i have in my life.
i am happy, healthy, and well. i am stronger than i ever imagined.
how the fuck do i "have nothing"? then?
sad, sad, people.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Day 146; really MIL?

day 146; operation deployment.

oh, she strikes again. will she never get it?
finally, my husband stood up to her. after all this time.
and told her that instead of her coming here, we would wait to see her in April when we visited instead. he's terrible with words and he tried to be as polite as possible. she emailed him back today saying she was still trying to save to come out here and she wanted to drive this time, but not alone so she was going to ask bill.
bill? who the hell is bill?
so, i ask my husband. his response;
"um im not really sure. i think the name sounds familiar but can't put a face to him."
so, he's a STRANGER to us?! how is that REMOTELY okay to bring a stranger into our home around our baby?? clearly, this isn't a family member. if it's a boyfriend, fuck no! is she seriously high? i mean it's one thing if i don't know the guy because i'm never around them. but when Mike doesnt either? what kind of person does this? i have been holding my tongue, i want to call her out so bad, but i'm letting my husband handle it from now on. she's effing insane.
i emailed her pictures of Ryder when my parents were here, and a week later she emails Mike saying she hasn't gotten any. well, that put a stop to me sending pictures. i sent her an email asking if she got my last email and she never responded but has emailed Mike twice since. and she expects to come to my home city, to meet my son?
she's more fucked up then i thought she was.

the picture above isn't exactly true. i can't thank her for "raising" a great son. her lack thereof is what made him the man he is today. and all he went through in his life. i don't know too much about his childhood, that part of his life is only slowly starting to come out, i am patiently waiting for him to come around. but what i do know, pains me to pieces.  my ultimate life go is to have a family, a REAL family. and show mike what it's like. i had such an amazing childhood. and i wish mike had experienced the same. i will no doubt deny he fact that i know she loves him, he knows this too. i mean, she gave birth to him. but he never got to experience any sort of emotional levels when he was young, which causes him to hole himself up now. but he's working on it.
and sends me the sweetest emails.

last night, Monique and i sat around and i talked about predeployment leave. her and steven were gone so she didnt really know the whole story.
after i finished talking about it, i paused, took a deep breath, and furrowed my brow.
she asked me what i was doing and i said,
"who was that man, because he sure isnt who i've been with the last few months."
because honestly, there is rarely a day that goes by the last few months i don't wonder to myself, "who IS this man?" becaue the man he has become, wouldn't even think of crossing the line like he use to. he wouldn't dream of letting anyone hurt me. he himself, would never and will never hurt me ever, again. that guy, a few months ago. wouldnt say half the things he says to me now. and slowly, with every passing day, i begin to forget more and more. of the man he use to be.
and i am thankful for that.

its so sad to look back at the beginning of this deployment. of me thinking of walking away. i hate that our relationship got to that point ya know?
but then one day, Mike woke up, got slapped in the face, and realized what he needed to do.
when people say men don't change, i use to believe them.
not anymore.
because for that right person, the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, you change. you change everything just so you dont lose that person. or hurt that persons feelings.
now, our only issue is his mother. but him and i are both on the same page as that.
and of course, whos going to squeeze the other tighter when he gets back, and silly little arguments as such.

i miss my husband.
and i can not express how badly i need him here with me right now.
the days are growing longer, it feels like forever until he comes home again.
i'm over all of this, doing it on my own and fighting all my own battles.
we need to king home, and all the pieces in the right place.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Day 144; Ryders FOUR Months!

day 144; operation deployment.

ah, my baby boy is 4 months old today!!
he's crazy smart!
and makes the silliest faces which i have no idea where he gets them from! 
he drank from a sippy for the first time today and he did pretty good! though he thought it was a toy to play with.
i watched him roll on his play mat from back to front, then front to back. he likes all his toys. he fell asleep under them and when he woke up he went right back to playing with them.
he giggles, alll the time. he thinks me clapping his hands together is hilarious. he likes being sung to, even though my voice is terrible.
he's puke free! finally fixed his tummy problem.
and he's gaining more weight.
he doesn't like his vegetables, and monique discovered today he loves fruit by the foot. the blue kind.
he usually sleeps through the night but has been having an issue lately, so i hope that stops. and he only naps for 20 minutes unless youre napping with him. which works for mommy because sooner than i want, he wont wanna be snuggle anymore.
his hair is turning more blonde everyday.
he likes pushing up with his legs, rather than being sat down.
when he's tired, he will tell you by putting his hand on your face, rubbing your cheek, or putting his fingers to your lips for kisses, and puts his hand on his head.
he grabs everything now, mostly mommys hair.
and i love him more and more and more and more everyday!!

ahaha, mo!
so these last few months i have really learned to love it out here.
monique and i talked and ever since we have gotten closer. she's helped me with my house and i have helped her as much as i could with a baby. she just moved into her new home and we went crazy last night with my mac. we made stupid vides dancing around her kitchen and took photo booth pictures. i am really going to miss these nights with her. seeing as when the guys get home our lives stop at 1600 haha. its been a wonderful deployment now that i have found a true best friend. and im really glad we had that talk. :))

my niece and nephew started first grade today. made me a sad bug. i remember when they were babies, so tiny and small like ryder. and now theyre so grown up!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Day 142; BABIES!

day 142; operation deployment.

hm, i wonder if i should really be writing this, but i'm a little too excited not to. i suppose its no secret. mike and i are going to have more babies, duh.
well, we just spent about three hours discussing and weighing options and the best time to try for sprout numero two.
ever since i got the Mirena put in, he has been stressing out. a few days before my appointment he came to me and told me he wasn't sure he wanted me to get it. he liked the risk, and he wanted another baby. its been tearing him apart ever since Ryder was born because he wasnt there, and has already missed so much. Ry right now, is MY baby. to him, and to Mike, they only exist to one another in pictures and skype. it breaks both of our hearts. i know for sure that i do want more, i've already have bouts of baby fever. but i know that i can not handle giving birth and going through the beginning on my own ever, ever again. it's a wonder to me how i got through the first time.
him and i both hate that my life is on hold. i would love to go back to school. but with him bouncing in and out of country, that just isn't an option. i could easily get a sitter while i was in class, but the demands of a little one when i'm home is just too difficult. most days i can barely take a crap without having to rush. the only down time i really have to do anything is when he falls asleep at night and even then, i go to bed far too late. i honestly love being a mommy. thats the only dream of mine that hasnt changed since i was a kid. i knew i wanted to grow up, get married, and have five babies. everything else has changed. from a Marine, to a police officer, now i have been tossing the idea of becoming a psychologist. most days i can barely help myself, but i sure as hell can help others. 
a few days ago we got word that Mike might be deploying only a year after he gets back. no time to get started in anything. i told him and myself, that i will go back to indiana. personally, i never ever want to have to go through this without my husband and mom, ever, ever again. it nearly killed me the first time. not so much the physical aspect of it, but the emotional of doing it completely on my own. and if i go back to indiana i can at least coach a few times a week and save up for when we get out of the marine corps.
we have both been tossing around the idea of another baby, all the what ifs, the outcomes, hardships. my main thing was.. it being difficult on my own again. with one being on the move and one being helpless. but i know, i need to do whats best for my husband and what he wants. i know i want more babies, the question is just when. why wait? if he leaves again, it's still going to be hard regardless  of Ryder, plus another, or not. if it's going to be tough, why wait longer until things get more smooth, and add another and make it tough again? then they all grow up, i send them off to school, all close together, and then i get ME time. right now. the only thing i know FOR SURE, is that i want to be a wife and a mommy to 3 or 5 babies. everything else is up in the air.

MIKE decided;
if he deploys more than a year after homecoming, we will try again right hen he gets back until January. if we aren't pregnant by then, we will wait until he gets back from the next deployment. if he deploys less than a year after, we will wait until after next deployment as well. if we get pregnant within those first few months, i will be pregnant with monique more than likely, so i wont be alone.  closer to deployment will determine whether i stay here or go to indiana. theres a long list of requirements for staying here. if he does deploy next year and i am not pregnant, i will more than likely go back to indiana for a few months and start saving and getting my own life on track for when we EAS. [which can't come soon enough.]

not to mention, we have all our baby names chosen. so why not?? :)

i love my husband and my son. things have never been and will more than likely never be easy with them. there has been struggles with both Mike and Ryder. and everything happens for a reason. ryder came into our lives, mine especially. when i was left alone for the first time in my life and he showed me more about myself than i ever could have imagined. michael as well, he came him, swept me off my feet and saved my life. he was there when i needed him the most. our little lyvia or jayce will do the same. she or he will come when we need him or her the most. things happen when they need to all fall into place. and this time, having another baby, wasnt really my idea. i love my husband and i know every piece will fall in its place.
he just needs to get home first. <3

Friday, August 19, 2011

day 140; 20 freakin weeks.

day 140; operation deployment.
oh, the weeks are counting down so fast. i now look forward to fridays every week. because were almost done! i cant fucking believe it. but thank freakin god!
i am so incredibly over all of this crap. i can't wait to hold my husband at night and wake up to his sleepy face. 
my slobber more than likely all over his chest like old times. and more than like a tiny baby between us, halfway like old times. 
now is the time to start homecoming banners and the last care package to be sent. letters written and that next "hello" to be planned.
time can not move fast enough for me, and of course, i'm sure him. ")

p.s. i love our midnight skype dates. <3

and i am pleased to announce that today was a good day for ryder. little mister only threw up ONCE today, rather than every feeding. and i hope it stays that way. he needs to be puttin some meat on his bones! he's getting way too big, way too fast, and it's super fucking sad. 
and it looks like he will be my only baby for awhile. "(

stay safe guys.

Day 140; crumbling choices.

Day 140; Operation Deployment.

my husband is the worlds most amazing man and he has proved everyone wrong. everyone told me, that men don't change. or they might for a little while but they always go back. everyone use to say he would never drop his "bros" because of me. and he would never get his priorities straight. and he has proved everyone wrong. talking to him constantly this last week, and being able to skype him twice really made me see him differently. sitting here, i can tell, that he has changed so much and i do believe that he will stay this way. i very much enjoy constantly asking myself "who is this man?" and then i smile. this, this is my new husband. the man that has his head on straight, his priorities right. the one that finally has learned to treat me right, and realize who is and isn't important. the man i have my baby with, and will add more to the bunch, sadly it seems now later than sooner. 
regardless of the past, i promise to leave it all behind us.
the moment he walks off that bus. <3

its funny how a few years and a few life changes, changes everything.
when i was a junior in high school, all i could think about was being a Marine.
lexi and i had this plan to go together.
i didnt go.
kelsey jo and i had the same plan years later.
again, i didn't go.
i was the battalion commander of my jrotc program. i worked my ass off and went from cadet private, to cadet lieutenant colonel in a year.
clearly, the ranking system of a program as mine wasn't that difficult, but there were still things to work for. 
and now that i live around the marine corps and my husband deals with it everyday. i no longer have much respect. and that saddens me.
every friday night, my platoon and i were at football games to show the colors, and helped clean up afterwards. i would shine my boots on sundays while listening to cadences. i lived, breathed, ate, the military. 1SGT Simpson became my mentor, and showed me how to be myself. i took so much pride in the uniform, and i swore to myself that being a marine was the life for me.
and this really opened my eyes to the bullshit of the corps. i know far too many marines, even the most moto ones, and they hate it as well. the men i figured would be lifers when we were young, can't wait to get out. in this extremely selfish world, where no one really seems to matter. it hearts my soul.
tonight, my husband informed me that in a years time, he's due to Deploy again
another 7 months of sitting on his ass, going to the gym, and watching movies. or going on a meu, which is even more pointless.
if he was needed, if there was actual jobs to do, a war to fight. neither of us would mind.
but the fact that he is missing everything, for no reason at all. and will again, and puts our plans for our next child on hold, our entire lives on hold. for no reason, makes me realize that i myself can not wait until november 2nd, 2013. me, the motivated one, he one that always says "oh it isn't so bad" has had enough. i always wanted him to re enlist, it was a good career, a great honor, stability.
i no longer want him in. i would much rather face the uncertainty of the real world, starting over in a city, a town, we've never known with people we have never met, our children in tow.
than ever, ever, have to say another pointless goodbye. ever again.

though i no longer enjoy the marine corps. i couldnt get by in life without a few Marines.
my oki boys, most of all.
i do like the fact that you can meet someone once and over a year later, still be close and in touch with them. i enjoy talking to price and leclair. they are always there when i need them. they check up on ryder and i, and whenever i have a problem, i know i can always go to them. we only talk on occasion and i feel more comfortable, and know them better than some of the people i have known my entire life. they have changed my life this deployment, and helped me understand myself and my marriage better. they really are such goofy characters. and i love the both of them.

this is my happy little almost four month old son.
the absolute light of my life.
he's on the move!
ryder now rolls from back to front with ease, and front to back when he feels like it. he now holds his own bottle 90% of the time, except when he's super tired. he's almost always smiling. and he cracks up when you clap his hands together, like it's the funniest thing in the world. he pulls his own binky out and sometimes gets it back in. if not, he just chews on the side like a cookie. he still has his tummy issues but today, was a fantastic day for him. he LOVES his aunt Mo. she's been such a big help to us the last few months. he's what makes her want babies! he still has Bink 97% of the time, but that's okay. he sleeps through the night, and naps really well, but only sleeps longer if mommy is next to him. nap times with little man are mommys favorite. he babbles all the time, and giggles at the little things.
and he makes me fall more and more in love with him every single day.
i'm going to let him be little, because he will only be my teeny baby once.
i rock him to sleep every night.
and wake up to his smile every morning.
i wouldn't have life any other way!

mommy loves you polie!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Day 138; i Admit.

Day 138; Operation Deployment.

i can honestly admit that Michael and i are nowhere near the perfect couple. it amazes me how all our old photos bring me to tears still, even though i hated most of the first year and a half of our relationship. i know that i have always loved him, however, i have fallen out of love with him multiple times. the thing that melts my heart is how i have always managed to fall back in love with him, even when times absolutely sucked. it was a wonder to me if that "someday" would ever happen between us. or if it was all just talk like a lot of michael use to be. and looking back, i still wonder how the fuck we made it. 
but i will always be thankful we did.

back then. 
i never came first. i came more like, seventh. in the months leading to boot camp i recall only a handful of times where it was just him and i, having any privacy whatsoever. his friends were constantly over. we never went on real dates, and we never really did anything i wanted to. i would follow him and watch him skate when i wasn't working, or had class, which i usually skipped because i would rather spend time with him, or we were up or out late the night before. we were wreckless, and risked our lives far too often. i was never stood up for. the whole "bros before hoes" thing was constantly thrown around. most of the time, alcohol was in his system. i never felt like anything was my own with him. most of the time it felt as if i was dating his friends as well. we all got along then but i constantly felt like i was just liked because i was mikes girl, like i wasn't my own person. i always tried so hard to fit in. that no one really got to know the real me. i always had a mask on, even to mike. because i never got the chance to actually show anyone. since day one i always felt uncomfortable around his mom. i had been warned that she was nuts, i always told myself "she couldn't be that bad." pft, boy did i learn. lol. michael would always act different with me when it was just him and i. and because everyone else was always around, i never really got to know him. after boot camp, we spent small amounts of time together just us when i flew to north carolina to see him. thats the little time we got to know each other, a weekend in Jacksonville after the whole emergency leave deal. other than a few nights before boot camp. in all reality, i had nooo freaking idea who my husband was when i married him. and that really affected the first year of our marriage.

when we moved.
. i have gotten to know him more because it was just us most of the time. and a lot of who i got to know, i argued with. he always seemed to make me mad because we're opposite people. i would hate when he didn't tell me how he felt on a subject, how when i wanted to have a mature, serious talk on something, he would just stare at me. i hated that, it was like talking to a wall. he never knew the right things to say and he still did all the wrong things. he acted single in my eyes, of course not cheating or anything along those lines, but the way he made choices. he never seemed to take me into consideration and think "gee, i wonder what my wife would think." he still only thought about himself. he would constantly talk about his old friends, and i would constantly roll my eyes at him. they didn't prove they were any friends at all. we all didn't get along anymore, so i didnt want to hear about them. what was the point? he still didn't see how they had hurt me, he didn't acknowledge the issue between us all. and didn't seem to care about the things they said and had done to me, he still blew it all off. after we moved to twentynine palms, i think was our toughest battle because we really didn't know one another. sure we had basically lived together before boot camp but it was never just us. it was us, and half a dozen other people. we went from barely seeing each other, to seeing each other too much. we fought constantly. at least once or twice a week i would storm out of the house and take a walk and call my mom, usually crying on how i didn't want to do this anymore. but i was glad that everytime i took off, he always came looking for me because he wanted to know i was safe.  it ended up getting to a point where i wanted to leave him, i wanted out. between him, and his family and friends, and his stupid choices, i was fed up. i wasn't being treated the way i felt i should be. and yet to everyone else, Mike made me seem like the monster, when i was the one trying so hard to make it work. when he talked to his family and friends he worded things so terribly that they always blamed me for everything. mike never wanted to seem like the bad guy, but he had no problem putting the load on me. and thats why people still blame me for everything. because it started off that way, because mike had no idea how to grow a sack and stand up for himself.

i know we don't have the best marriage at the moment but by god, everything has changed. i can admit in some areas, i got a bit controlling, because things needed to be a certain way. you can't lead a horse to water and make him drink, until you shove his face in it. eventually some water will seep in. but in the end, i did it for all the proper reasons. he actually listens to me now and cares about what i feel, and not just disregards it all. i still don't come first, lol. but that's perfectly fine because little man has completely taken over our lives. but when it comes to his friends, they're no longer in each others lives at the moment. i have no idea if they will ever reconnect, and personally, i do not care. but before they get all buddy buddy, i know mike will tell them to apologize. this Deployment has honestly given my husband a heart, with a side of fuzzy feelings, and even though he still doesn't know how to word things, he actually opens up to me quite often. and he will never understand how amazing that makes me feel. i love his heart. :) i am so proud at how much my husband has changed, as well as i. i guess it got to the point where we both grew up, became adults, husband and wife, and a mommy and daddy. as much as i wish my husband was here with us every night, and waking up to him every morning, i am also very thankful for this Deployment and all that it has brought us. i can honestly say, i believe this saved our marriage.
and little man just so happens to be the glue that fixed most things.
and the hand that slapped him in the face to change.

when this Deployment is over, the one thing i am looking forward to the most, is getting to know my husband. i know that sounds extremely silly, but it's completely true. when he comes home it's a fresh start. because we are now two completely different people. some days it feels like i'm married to a ghost. i honestly can not believe we have been together for over two years. nor can i believe we got married after "knowing each other" very, very little, after nine months. 
three months before boot camp.
10 day boot leave.
10 day emergency leave.
a weekend in jacksonville.
that's all, before we got married. that is the only times i have seen my husbands face before i said "i do"
absolutely crazy.
but when you know, you know.

i always knew he was the one i would be with, honestly.
even when i wanted to walk away from our marriage. i knew all it would take is one night, one measely night, of him coming to get Ryder for the weekend, for our eyes to meet once again, a lingering stare, and bam, i'd fall back in love. i know it would be the same for him as well. because, together or not. everyone still has their one person they will love forever, and nothing can ever change that. not miles. not time.

Michael, is that one.
Two years ago.
and Always. 

Monday, August 15, 2011

Day 137; hello again.

Day 137; Operation Deployment.

hello again, dear blogger.
today i became a proud owner of an Apple computer.
after almost two months of a retarded computer and NO skype, my dear, wonderful, amazing husband, bought me a Macbook. :)
i can now see his freaking face whenever i want to.
and i'm not going to lie, i'm pretty much in love with this thing.
Dixie. <3

this week, has been a pretty damn good week.
we got the date for our homecoming debrief, a rough window, and leave dates.
oh, the end is near. i couldnt be more excited. 
i love how monique and i just hang out and randomly say the time we have left, then we giggle and squeal.
i'm really glad things have taken a turn for the better in our friendship. i couldn't have survived at all without her.

i finally, after about two months, got to see my husband in motion yesterday.
and i do have to say that it really was heaven.
i had a big cheesy grin on my face the entire time.
Monique let me borrow her mac so that i could see him, and we Skyped for a few hours yesterday morning.
it made me realize even more how much i missed that man. ive only been living on emails and phone calls once a week and then bam, i see his face again. his face AND voice, put together. not just photographs, the real freaking deal.
he hasnt seen Ryder holding his bottle, or holding his head up for that matter. or smiling and laughing and playing with his hands like he loves to do. until yesterday. i havent seen anything of him, all his funny faces, how he raises his eyebrows. it was simply, just perfect.
and i just want to hit this stupid fast forward button and have him back where he belongs already!

it's been a long day, of me being sick, ryder being sick. and helping mo pack because she gets the keys to her new place tomorrow.
so i'm going to shower and go to bed.
i love my mac, and having the internet and Skype back.

but more than that i love my silly husband, that still captures my heart more than i ever thought possible.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

day 132; Goodbye.

Day 132; Operation Deployment.

this morning at the crack of dawn, after going to bed hours before, and us holding hands as we fell asleep.
Ryder and i stood outside and watched my mom and dad's van pull away.
for some reason, and i'm not sure how bad it makes me sound.
but saying goodbye to my mom, is always harder than saying goodbye to Mike.
maybe its because we both cry, and cling to one another. while with Mike, he never cries. but i felt the biggest part of my heart break and it took all i had to get out of bed after they left. i felt so numb. 
my mom, has always been my best friend. we didn't always use to get along but these past few years, past year especially. everything changed. i talk to her on the phone every night, she's been my shoulder to lean on whenever Mike and i would have a fight, which use to be almost every other day. i would go outside barefoot and just talk to her for hours. she knows everything about me, and she doesn't judge me for it. and i know there will come a day, where i won't be able to talk to her at all anymore. that days grow shorter, years pass, she gets older. and i have never been more terrified to lose someone in my entire life.
last night i watched her holding my son, sitting in the rocking chair, just rocking him back and forth. there were tears in her eyes, and i felt the same in mine. she looked down at my sleeping son and told him, to take care of me, and be good for me, because he was all his mommy needed. and she cried when she asked him, to not forget about her, even though she knew that the next time he saw her, he wouldn't understand who she was. it broke my heart. and it took all i had, not to pack up a few bags, and get in the van with them and leave this town behind me. i don't think anyone understands how close my mom and i are. she is the only reason i hate it out here, because she is so far away. and i never want to go back to indiana because of other people, theyre tearing my mom and i apart. i have never realized how much i had changed in the past year until she was standing inside my home, telling me she was proud of me. in that moment, everything clicked.
i will never be the same.

having my mom here, and sitting down talking to my parents about my in laws and the way i felt, i have come to the decision, that they will never set foot in my home again. that when Michael comes home, he is free to go to Indiana, or stay in a hotel with them here, but i will never feel uncomfortable in my own skin, or own home, that i have worked for the last 4 months to achieve, again. i can honestly admit, how much of a bitch this makes me. but at this point, after two years, i no longer care. and i no longer care what Mike thinks about that. he is perfectly capable of visiting them on his own if he wants to, no hard feelings at all. because i do understand. however, i have had enough. and I'm so tired of everyone saying "when you married Mike, you married the people in his life." i can't help but laugh, seeing as, i can't marry people that were not present, or knew nothing of what was happening. i only married my husband. i also feel like, i no longer care what he feels about this, because he will never feel like this. my family is so loving and accepting to him. granted my mom doesn't go far out of her way, and has only sent him a birthday card, but whenever they talk, he's her son. he's told me more than once, "your mom is more of a mom to me, than my own." and he calls mine, mommy, his own, ma. 
ever since i started getting hurt by these people, he has always asked why i cared, why i even tried, that they didn't need a second chance and they would never change. i have tried so to open their eyes to how much i love my husband, and what a responsible wife i was. but nothing can change that. i will forever be a bitch and a monster, someone that controls Mikes life, in their eyes. when i have tried so hard to just be "okay" in their book. so i figure, if none of that will ever change, why not, be the monster?
in mikes last email from his mom she wrote "i can't wait to see you and your son."
as if i wasn't even in the picture. when i'm the FIRST person in the picture. but she's going to have to wait until April, because she won't be coming out here, or know leave dates, until they are long, long gone.
it's time to put my foot down.
stick to my guns.
and finally, get what i deserve.

this past week has been the best week that i can remember. i have grown and changed so much. seeing the way my own mother looks at me while i hold my child, makes me feel like the amazing woman and mother i have become. she made me realize that, i am doing a great job on my own, and having Ryder in my arms is all i will truely ever need. that it will forever be just him and i against this world. no matter what.
her and i, are one in the same. her, just years wiser, us both, stronger than rocks. i could not ever imagine my life without my mother in is. she is the one person that keeps me breathing. and having her here, means the absolute world to me.

i will never forget this past week, of staying up late, waking up early. our late night talks under the stars, sliding down the stairs on our butts, putting my books on the shelf, hanging ryders clothes, watching her, watch him, watching her feeding, changing, bathing, rocking, carrying him. fuzzy naval wine coolers, popping space bubbles on kinect, watching soul surfer at 2am. my mom, callin me baby. i will always be her baby first. eating popcorn the way we like it, linking arms on the boardwalk. my head on her shoulder.
i love my mom.
and i'm so proud to be her baby.
always, her lil squirt. :)

also, i found this funny.
i got emailed the august clb7 newsletter today and as i was reading my husbands company part, where i read that there was a contest going on about who could do one pull up with Mike on their back. my husband, is a 5 foot 9 scrawny man weighing in at 136. no one has succeeded yet, but i thought it was funny how it made the newsletter, lmao.
good job babe!

Monday, August 8, 2011

Day 130; changes.

Day 130; Operation Deployment.

tomorrow is the last day that my parents will be here in California.
their visit completely changed my life.
it was exactly what i needed before Michael got home.
the moment my mom saw my son, she burst into tears, he was beautiful.
seeing them together made my heart swell. i hadn't seen her in a year, and now, i had a baby, our baby boy. her third grandchild.
all ours.
and i loved every minute of sharing it with her.
thursday we went to walmart so she could buy me a bookshelf to begin my library.
Mike promised be the night we got married that in our permanent house, he would build me a library. so we decided to start now.
we went on base and got an amazing deal on moto shirts, and we went to the commissary. i showed her where Ryder was born, and she forgot to count all the palm trees from the main gate. it felt good to show them my new life, i knew that were proud of me. that's an amazing feeling.
we stayed up late just talking, and putting my books on my new shelf, starting to get my house in order so that it was less fuss for me to deal with before Homecoming. we went to sonic, my moms first time. that night my mom and i stayed up late, going through Ryders clothes and sorting through them, being all slap happy until 3 am, where my mom tried sliding down our carpeted stairs on her butt, laughing the entire way day. it was like we were 15 year old best friends having a sleepover. never missing a beat.
on friday we drove out to santa monica, on very little sleep. and stopped at in and out burger, my moms first time. and then got my t mobile junk fixed, so HOPEFULLY, i will have a fully functioning cell phone here in a few days. still, no laptop. the lady that was suppose to send me the recovery disks, failed to. so if anyone has an Asus set of disks, or a Windows 7 disk to restore an Asus, please let me know! but i am now the primary on our t mobile account so that i can now make all choices, and not have to worry anymore.
we FINALLY hit the beach and the boardwalk, where it was freezing, far more than i had expected! but we had a good time regardless.
there was a random plot of fake grass and a ton of people doing handstands. it was so weird. but they SUCKED!
so my mom and i, being the gymnasts we were, tucked in our shirts and showed them all up. that woman can still make me sweat when it comes to walking handstands!
then my dad and i decided to freeze ass in the ocean and try to surf. we bought a board years ago at a yard sale and he lugged it 2,200 miles to the ocean.
for it to barely float.
i stood on the damn thing for about 3 seconds before it sunk, and i was frozen.
but at least we can say we tried. haha.
that will always be remembered.
it make me remember all the old car rides and road trips we use to have together.
stopping at gas stations and getting beef jerky and soda, for some reason my dad would always want choclate milk.
waking up and aching because yu slept in a funny position and was stuck in a car for too long.
the familiar blast of music in your ears from your cd/mp3 player, and singing along, and of course mom being mean and covering her ears because we all know i sing terribly.
i kept looking out the window and holding back tears as the fact that this time, i won't be going with them.
but then i looked over at my sleeping son, or him talking to his new carseat toy, and smiled. and understood that this was exactly where i belonged.
saturday and sunday were lazin around days, staying around here, my mom and i finished our house and almost finished ryders nursery. daddy and i will be picking out new furniture for him during leave.
and laughed about old times, drank wine coolers, played kinect, and just, made the most of our time together. in the back of my mind though, things were tough. i hate saying goodbye.
saying goodbye is the hardest part.
and saying goodbye to my mom, is the most difficult thing in the world.

having my parents being here, i realize how much i have grown up in the past year. my house is now a home for my husband and my son, and our crazy monster shepard together. being with them here, made me miss Mike even more. he's our family and should have been here. t's given me a much needed break in life, and i am full prepared to take back over when they leave. showing them my city, the scneinic outlook we went to, walking around my complex, i could tell, that they were no longer worried about my life. that Ryder and i were going to be okay, and that when Mike comes back, i will have everything under complete control. now all i have to worry about is making homcoming signs and posters, and send out the last two packages because YES! we have mail cut off dates now!! and just sit, and wait.
i love my husband and our sweet little baby.
Mike has changed so much. in one simple email. the old Mike would have easily done things completely different as he did, but he changed, and he proved it. because he didn't do anything the way he use to do. i am so, so proud of how far we have come in our marriage!!

well, tomorrow is my last full day with my mommy and daddy.
so i'm going to get off here and go watch a movie with my best friend and throw popcorn at each other. and laugh like i'm not dying inside. </3

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Day 124; Two Years.

Day 124; Operation Deployment.

exactly two years ago today, Michael returned home from the upper peninsula of Michigan. about an hour after he got back home, he texted me asking to see me. i told him i would love to, and he told me to wear pants and gym shoes.
45 minutes later and butterflies, i see him ride up on his electric blue motorcycle, take off his helmet, and shook my mamas hand.
she just stared at him, as he smiled at me, and put the helmet on my head, and gently tightened the strap underneath my chin.
as i swung my leg over the back of his bike and wrapped my arms around him, he promised my mom for the first time, to keep me safe.
two years later; he has held up to that promise.

i can not begin to explain this roller coaster of the last two years. we fell in love and created memories. we said our hellos and our goodbyes. we have had far too many fights, my hearts been broken too often. we broke up, got married, moved across the country, endured a pregnancy, almost got a divorce, said goodbye for Deployment, had a son, fought some more, then now.
now; we're back to where we should have been all along.

i have never loved a man, then hated a man, then fell back in love with him, while i was still trying to hate him. i can't stay mad at him too long, it just never works. no one has ever known my secrets as he has, from day one even. i have never trusted anyone with my life, as i do him. i have never fought with someone as hard as him and i do at times. but as much as i want to kill him some days, i would kill FOR him, any and every day.
i know that we have only known each other for two years. that we didn't see each other much at all before we got married only 9 months later. i know we rushed. him and i will always be like fire and gasoline. but somehow that all just seems to fit perfectly.

i will never know how, or why, we fell in love. i stopped wondering months ago. because it doesn't matter, all that matters is that we did. 
him; a punk rock adrenaline junkie skater boy that listens to wrap and didn't have a care in the world.
her; a quiet country girl wrapped in a book that was too determined to get somewhere in life that she didn't stop to live.
i like bright colors, he likes dark. he was always rap and my country. i cared about being successful and he cared about having fun. we handle things differently, view things differently, and were not always on the same page. he goes to bed early to wake up early, i stay up late to sleep in. i'd rather lay around and read all day while he wants to get out.
the only thing we agree on, is our own little family.
nothing else, we more than likely never will.

these past two years seem like forever, but just yesterday as well.
every memory of ours will forever be lked inside of my body. 
and he will forever be a part of me.

Michael Patrick, i love you.
more than you can imagine.
you saw me when no one else was looking. when i was invisible.
i love you for all that you are, and all that you are not.
forever, forever.
& always.

also, it's August 1st.
Officially FOUR months down in this Deployment.
the guys will be home before we know it!

and another side note, since i don't blog much anymore, damn laptop.
my parents are heading to twentynine palms!! they are currently in Oklahoma dropping off things for my brother. and should be here by Thursday!
we have a long, exhausted, cram filled week, that we have to fit the past year into, and the next 8 months.
so, i more than likely will just Blog when we part again.
and spill my broken heart of saying goodbye to my best friend. :(