Wednesday, August 31, 2011

day 153; stop the silence.

day 153; operation deployment.

here i sit.
in another home.
across the country.
yet i am alone.
it's been so long.
since i let the bruises fade.
then why won't the pain.
just go away?
i can't help.
the way i feel.
i know what i reach deep down.
what happened was real.
i can't stay strong.
all the time.
but the only thing i know.
is this life;
is now mine.

tonight, i am at my all time low. i have sunk back into depression that i, myself, can not get myself out of. this "strong" girl that every views as so strong, goes days and weeks, without wanting to live. without wanting to get out of bed. when i know i have more to live for.
i have pushed myself through this deployment, alone, for as long as i can. and i know that the time is coming to have the one person that makes me forget to be by my side. it doesn't make a difference tonight.
you would think, after years and years, things would get better. pieces fall back into place and it wouldnt hurt anymore. it doesn't hurt, it just kills me. every particle of my being.
i was abused.
i let someone push me around.
and every single fucking day of my life.
i blamed myself.

do you know what its like to hurt, with every fiber of your being? from your hair follicles, to your toe nails? or how, you're walking along, and start to stumble, you try to catch yourself on the wall but you crash to the ground? or burst into tears for no reason, when life is good, memories just have to fuck it all up, and ruin everything?
my brain, is ruining my life.

one thing always leads to another.
yesterday i found out, my beloved pickup truck, was gone. johnny walker was more than a truck, a hunk of metal, to me.
i bought that truck when my Buick stopped running and i had to rely on Billy to get places. and if he didn't want me to go, i didn't go. when i bought that truck, i stepped up to him. i went back to college, i started working for PSC. i pulled myself away from that situation, i grew into myself and eventually, my world was torn apart. you would think, after not seeing someone for years, you would stop seeing them around every corner? i still know every detail, of billys face.
i remember his scent.
the glaze in his eyes when he's beating me.
the smirk on his face when he has beaten tears from my eyes.
i remember our apartment. where everything took place.
i still can not see a electric blue saturn ion, with suicide doors, without cringing. 
i have moved 2,200 miles away from the place that it took place, and i still look over my shoulder at every intersection, whenever i step outside my house.
somedays i wake up and i feel him, my skin crawls.
everyday billy was in my life, i fought to survive.
then why do i hate myself, for attempting to live?
i'm not living.
i'm just somehow, getting by.

i can't look at pictures that were taken in our old apartment. the memories are like a punch to the gut. i can still describe the place perfectly. i still remember... everything. i want to forget. i want to let it all go. i just can't do it anymore. i have never wanted to die, i just want to.. forget. pretend it didn't happen. but why is that so incredibly difficult?
i am the victim of domestic violence.
ashley is the victim of the same monster.
we are both, beautiful women, with loving men in our lives. and even through all the tough times, we tend to get through. but he is always following us. like the plague. and interrupts our current lives.
he took our hearts and he broke them to pieces.
but he still remains in our heads. but how do we break them?
to release the monster within?

i have been battling depression for the past 6 years of my life.
and finally, a week from now, i will enter my first clinic, to talk about what i went through.
when i was making the appointment i as asked a little about my abuse, and they asked me, if what i went through, affected me today.
i told them no.
and that was the biggest lie of my life.
everything billy did, every day, i got out alive, ruins things for me today.
how i cant always be happy.
how i cant smile because things are so good.
how i will never feel comfortable in my own skin, and constantly be afraid.
i push my husband away and i control things he does, because of what i went through. and though he's beginning to understand, it still doesn't make it right.
i dont know what to do. i have tried since may 11th, 2009, to fix myself. to make the pain stop. to erase the memories, and what happened to me. i have written it down, i have talked about it. i have done everything.
and even now...
he's still there.

i found some pictures on my old facebook of Billy.
i can finally put a face to his name for the entire world to see.

this; was my monster.

i never pray. i do not believe in god. 
but someone, tonight.
please pray that i survive.

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