Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Day 146; really MIL?

day 146; operation deployment.

oh, she strikes again. will she never get it?
finally, my husband stood up to her. after all this time.
and told her that instead of her coming here, we would wait to see her in April when we visited instead. he's terrible with words and he tried to be as polite as possible. she emailed him back today saying she was still trying to save to come out here and she wanted to drive this time, but not alone so she was going to ask bill.
bill? who the hell is bill?
so, i ask my husband. his response;
"um im not really sure. i think the name sounds familiar but can't put a face to him."
so, he's a STRANGER to us?! how is that REMOTELY okay to bring a stranger into our home around our baby?? clearly, this isn't a family member. if it's a boyfriend, fuck no! is she seriously high? i mean it's one thing if i don't know the guy because i'm never around them. but when Mike doesnt either? what kind of person does this? i have been holding my tongue, i want to call her out so bad, but i'm letting my husband handle it from now on. she's effing insane.
i emailed her pictures of Ryder when my parents were here, and a week later she emails Mike saying she hasn't gotten any. well, that put a stop to me sending pictures. i sent her an email asking if she got my last email and she never responded but has emailed Mike twice since. and she expects to come to my home city, to meet my son?
she's more fucked up then i thought she was.

the picture above isn't exactly true. i can't thank her for "raising" a great son. her lack thereof is what made him the man he is today. and all he went through in his life. i don't know too much about his childhood, that part of his life is only slowly starting to come out, i am patiently waiting for him to come around. but what i do know, pains me to pieces.  my ultimate life go is to have a family, a REAL family. and show mike what it's like. i had such an amazing childhood. and i wish mike had experienced the same. i will no doubt deny he fact that i know she loves him, he knows this too. i mean, she gave birth to him. but he never got to experience any sort of emotional levels when he was young, which causes him to hole himself up now. but he's working on it.
and sends me the sweetest emails.

last night, Monique and i sat around and i talked about predeployment leave. her and steven were gone so she didnt really know the whole story.
after i finished talking about it, i paused, took a deep breath, and furrowed my brow.
she asked me what i was doing and i said,
"who was that man, because he sure isnt who i've been with the last few months."
because honestly, there is rarely a day that goes by the last few months i don't wonder to myself, "who IS this man?" becaue the man he has become, wouldn't even think of crossing the line like he use to. he wouldn't dream of letting anyone hurt me. he himself, would never and will never hurt me ever, again. that guy, a few months ago. wouldnt say half the things he says to me now. and slowly, with every passing day, i begin to forget more and more. of the man he use to be.
and i am thankful for that.

its so sad to look back at the beginning of this deployment. of me thinking of walking away. i hate that our relationship got to that point ya know?
but then one day, Mike woke up, got slapped in the face, and realized what he needed to do.
when people say men don't change, i use to believe them.
not anymore.
because for that right person, the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, you change. you change everything just so you dont lose that person. or hurt that persons feelings.
now, our only issue is his mother. but him and i are both on the same page as that.
and of course, whos going to squeeze the other tighter when he gets back, and silly little arguments as such.

i miss my husband.
and i can not express how badly i need him here with me right now.
the days are growing longer, it feels like forever until he comes home again.
i'm over all of this, doing it on my own and fighting all my own battles.
we need to king home, and all the pieces in the right place.

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