Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Day 138; i Admit.

Day 138; Operation Deployment.

i can honestly admit that Michael and i are nowhere near the perfect couple. it amazes me how all our old photos bring me to tears still, even though i hated most of the first year and a half of our relationship. i know that i have always loved him, however, i have fallen out of love with him multiple times. the thing that melts my heart is how i have always managed to fall back in love with him, even when times absolutely sucked. it was a wonder to me if that "someday" would ever happen between us. or if it was all just talk like a lot of michael use to be. and looking back, i still wonder how the fuck we made it. 
but i will always be thankful we did.

back then. 
i never came first. i came more like, seventh. in the months leading to boot camp i recall only a handful of times where it was just him and i, having any privacy whatsoever. his friends were constantly over. we never went on real dates, and we never really did anything i wanted to. i would follow him and watch him skate when i wasn't working, or had class, which i usually skipped because i would rather spend time with him, or we were up or out late the night before. we were wreckless, and risked our lives far too often. i was never stood up for. the whole "bros before hoes" thing was constantly thrown around. most of the time, alcohol was in his system. i never felt like anything was my own with him. most of the time it felt as if i was dating his friends as well. we all got along then but i constantly felt like i was just liked because i was mikes girl, like i wasn't my own person. i always tried so hard to fit in. that no one really got to know the real me. i always had a mask on, even to mike. because i never got the chance to actually show anyone. since day one i always felt uncomfortable around his mom. i had been warned that she was nuts, i always told myself "she couldn't be that bad." pft, boy did i learn. lol. michael would always act different with me when it was just him and i. and because everyone else was always around, i never really got to know him. after boot camp, we spent small amounts of time together just us when i flew to north carolina to see him. thats the little time we got to know each other, a weekend in Jacksonville after the whole emergency leave deal. other than a few nights before boot camp. in all reality, i had nooo freaking idea who my husband was when i married him. and that really affected the first year of our marriage.

when we moved.
. i have gotten to know him more because it was just us most of the time. and a lot of who i got to know, i argued with. he always seemed to make me mad because we're opposite people. i would hate when he didn't tell me how he felt on a subject, how when i wanted to have a mature, serious talk on something, he would just stare at me. i hated that, it was like talking to a wall. he never knew the right things to say and he still did all the wrong things. he acted single in my eyes, of course not cheating or anything along those lines, but the way he made choices. he never seemed to take me into consideration and think "gee, i wonder what my wife would think." he still only thought about himself. he would constantly talk about his old friends, and i would constantly roll my eyes at him. they didn't prove they were any friends at all. we all didn't get along anymore, so i didnt want to hear about them. what was the point? he still didn't see how they had hurt me, he didn't acknowledge the issue between us all. and didn't seem to care about the things they said and had done to me, he still blew it all off. after we moved to twentynine palms, i think was our toughest battle because we really didn't know one another. sure we had basically lived together before boot camp but it was never just us. it was us, and half a dozen other people. we went from barely seeing each other, to seeing each other too much. we fought constantly. at least once or twice a week i would storm out of the house and take a walk and call my mom, usually crying on how i didn't want to do this anymore. but i was glad that everytime i took off, he always came looking for me because he wanted to know i was safe.  it ended up getting to a point where i wanted to leave him, i wanted out. between him, and his family and friends, and his stupid choices, i was fed up. i wasn't being treated the way i felt i should be. and yet to everyone else, Mike made me seem like the monster, when i was the one trying so hard to make it work. when he talked to his family and friends he worded things so terribly that they always blamed me for everything. mike never wanted to seem like the bad guy, but he had no problem putting the load on me. and thats why people still blame me for everything. because it started off that way, because mike had no idea how to grow a sack and stand up for himself.

i know we don't have the best marriage at the moment but by god, everything has changed. i can admit in some areas, i got a bit controlling, because things needed to be a certain way. you can't lead a horse to water and make him drink, until you shove his face in it. eventually some water will seep in. but in the end, i did it for all the proper reasons. he actually listens to me now and cares about what i feel, and not just disregards it all. i still don't come first, lol. but that's perfectly fine because little man has completely taken over our lives. but when it comes to his friends, they're no longer in each others lives at the moment. i have no idea if they will ever reconnect, and personally, i do not care. but before they get all buddy buddy, i know mike will tell them to apologize. this Deployment has honestly given my husband a heart, with a side of fuzzy feelings, and even though he still doesn't know how to word things, he actually opens up to me quite often. and he will never understand how amazing that makes me feel. i love his heart. :) i am so proud at how much my husband has changed, as well as i. i guess it got to the point where we both grew up, became adults, husband and wife, and a mommy and daddy. as much as i wish my husband was here with us every night, and waking up to him every morning, i am also very thankful for this Deployment and all that it has brought us. i can honestly say, i believe this saved our marriage.
and little man just so happens to be the glue that fixed most things.
and the hand that slapped him in the face to change.

when this Deployment is over, the one thing i am looking forward to the most, is getting to know my husband. i know that sounds extremely silly, but it's completely true. when he comes home it's a fresh start. because we are now two completely different people. some days it feels like i'm married to a ghost. i honestly can not believe we have been together for over two years. nor can i believe we got married after "knowing each other" very, very little, after nine months. 
three months before boot camp.
10 day boot leave.
10 day emergency leave.
a weekend in jacksonville.
that's all, before we got married. that is the only times i have seen my husbands face before i said "i do"
absolutely crazy.
but when you know, you know.

i always knew he was the one i would be with, honestly.
even when i wanted to walk away from our marriage. i knew all it would take is one night, one measely night, of him coming to get Ryder for the weekend, for our eyes to meet once again, a lingering stare, and bam, i'd fall back in love. i know it would be the same for him as well. because, together or not. everyone still has their one person they will love forever, and nothing can ever change that. not miles. not time.

Michael, is that one.
Two years ago.
and Always. 

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