Wednesday, August 10, 2011

day 132; Goodbye.

Day 132; Operation Deployment.

this morning at the crack of dawn, after going to bed hours before, and us holding hands as we fell asleep.
Ryder and i stood outside and watched my mom and dad's van pull away.
for some reason, and i'm not sure how bad it makes me sound.
but saying goodbye to my mom, is always harder than saying goodbye to Mike.
maybe its because we both cry, and cling to one another. while with Mike, he never cries. but i felt the biggest part of my heart break and it took all i had to get out of bed after they left. i felt so numb. 
my mom, has always been my best friend. we didn't always use to get along but these past few years, past year especially. everything changed. i talk to her on the phone every night, she's been my shoulder to lean on whenever Mike and i would have a fight, which use to be almost every other day. i would go outside barefoot and just talk to her for hours. she knows everything about me, and she doesn't judge me for it. and i know there will come a day, where i won't be able to talk to her at all anymore. that days grow shorter, years pass, she gets older. and i have never been more terrified to lose someone in my entire life.
last night i watched her holding my son, sitting in the rocking chair, just rocking him back and forth. there were tears in her eyes, and i felt the same in mine. she looked down at my sleeping son and told him, to take care of me, and be good for me, because he was all his mommy needed. and she cried when she asked him, to not forget about her, even though she knew that the next time he saw her, he wouldn't understand who she was. it broke my heart. and it took all i had, not to pack up a few bags, and get in the van with them and leave this town behind me. i don't think anyone understands how close my mom and i are. she is the only reason i hate it out here, because she is so far away. and i never want to go back to indiana because of other people, theyre tearing my mom and i apart. i have never realized how much i had changed in the past year until she was standing inside my home, telling me she was proud of me. in that moment, everything clicked.
i will never be the same.

having my mom here, and sitting down talking to my parents about my in laws and the way i felt, i have come to the decision, that they will never set foot in my home again. that when Michael comes home, he is free to go to Indiana, or stay in a hotel with them here, but i will never feel uncomfortable in my own skin, or own home, that i have worked for the last 4 months to achieve, again. i can honestly admit, how much of a bitch this makes me. but at this point, after two years, i no longer care. and i no longer care what Mike thinks about that. he is perfectly capable of visiting them on his own if he wants to, no hard feelings at all. because i do understand. however, i have had enough. and I'm so tired of everyone saying "when you married Mike, you married the people in his life." i can't help but laugh, seeing as, i can't marry people that were not present, or knew nothing of what was happening. i only married my husband. i also feel like, i no longer care what he feels about this, because he will never feel like this. my family is so loving and accepting to him. granted my mom doesn't go far out of her way, and has only sent him a birthday card, but whenever they talk, he's her son. he's told me more than once, "your mom is more of a mom to me, than my own." and he calls mine, mommy, his own, ma. 
ever since i started getting hurt by these people, he has always asked why i cared, why i even tried, that they didn't need a second chance and they would never change. i have tried so to open their eyes to how much i love my husband, and what a responsible wife i was. but nothing can change that. i will forever be a bitch and a monster, someone that controls Mikes life, in their eyes. when i have tried so hard to just be "okay" in their book. so i figure, if none of that will ever change, why not, be the monster?
in mikes last email from his mom she wrote "i can't wait to see you and your son."
as if i wasn't even in the picture. when i'm the FIRST person in the picture. but she's going to have to wait until April, because she won't be coming out here, or know leave dates, until they are long, long gone.
it's time to put my foot down.
stick to my guns.
and finally, get what i deserve.

this past week has been the best week that i can remember. i have grown and changed so much. seeing the way my own mother looks at me while i hold my child, makes me feel like the amazing woman and mother i have become. she made me realize that, i am doing a great job on my own, and having Ryder in my arms is all i will truely ever need. that it will forever be just him and i against this world. no matter what.
her and i, are one in the same. her, just years wiser, us both, stronger than rocks. i could not ever imagine my life without my mother in is. she is the one person that keeps me breathing. and having her here, means the absolute world to me.

i will never forget this past week, of staying up late, waking up early. our late night talks under the stars, sliding down the stairs on our butts, putting my books on the shelf, hanging ryders clothes, watching her, watch him, watching her feeding, changing, bathing, rocking, carrying him. fuzzy naval wine coolers, popping space bubbles on kinect, watching soul surfer at 2am. my mom, callin me baby. i will always be her baby first. eating popcorn the way we like it, linking arms on the boardwalk. my head on her shoulder.
i love my mom.
and i'm so proud to be her baby.
always, her lil squirt. :)

also, i found this funny.
i got emailed the august clb7 newsletter today and as i was reading my husbands company part, where i read that there was a contest going on about who could do one pull up with Mike on their back. my husband, is a 5 foot 9 scrawny man weighing in at 136. no one has succeeded yet, but i thought it was funny how it made the newsletter, lmao.
good job babe!

No comments:

Post a Comment