Friday, August 19, 2011

Day 140; crumbling choices.

Day 140; Operation Deployment.

my husband is the worlds most amazing man and he has proved everyone wrong. everyone told me, that men don't change. or they might for a little while but they always go back. everyone use to say he would never drop his "bros" because of me. and he would never get his priorities straight. and he has proved everyone wrong. talking to him constantly this last week, and being able to skype him twice really made me see him differently. sitting here, i can tell, that he has changed so much and i do believe that he will stay this way. i very much enjoy constantly asking myself "who is this man?" and then i smile. this, this is my new husband. the man that has his head on straight, his priorities right. the one that finally has learned to treat me right, and realize who is and isn't important. the man i have my baby with, and will add more to the bunch, sadly it seems now later than sooner. 
regardless of the past, i promise to leave it all behind us.
the moment he walks off that bus. <3

its funny how a few years and a few life changes, changes everything.
when i was a junior in high school, all i could think about was being a Marine.
lexi and i had this plan to go together.
i didnt go.
kelsey jo and i had the same plan years later.
again, i didn't go.
i was the battalion commander of my jrotc program. i worked my ass off and went from cadet private, to cadet lieutenant colonel in a year.
clearly, the ranking system of a program as mine wasn't that difficult, but there were still things to work for. 
and now that i live around the marine corps and my husband deals with it everyday. i no longer have much respect. and that saddens me.
every friday night, my platoon and i were at football games to show the colors, and helped clean up afterwards. i would shine my boots on sundays while listening to cadences. i lived, breathed, ate, the military. 1SGT Simpson became my mentor, and showed me how to be myself. i took so much pride in the uniform, and i swore to myself that being a marine was the life for me.
and this really opened my eyes to the bullshit of the corps. i know far too many marines, even the most moto ones, and they hate it as well. the men i figured would be lifers when we were young, can't wait to get out. in this extremely selfish world, where no one really seems to matter. it hearts my soul.
tonight, my husband informed me that in a years time, he's due to Deploy again
another 7 months of sitting on his ass, going to the gym, and watching movies. or going on a meu, which is even more pointless.
if he was needed, if there was actual jobs to do, a war to fight. neither of us would mind.
but the fact that he is missing everything, for no reason at all. and will again, and puts our plans for our next child on hold, our entire lives on hold. for no reason, makes me realize that i myself can not wait until november 2nd, 2013. me, the motivated one, he one that always says "oh it isn't so bad" has had enough. i always wanted him to re enlist, it was a good career, a great honor, stability.
i no longer want him in. i would much rather face the uncertainty of the real world, starting over in a city, a town, we've never known with people we have never met, our children in tow.
than ever, ever, have to say another pointless goodbye. ever again.

though i no longer enjoy the marine corps. i couldnt get by in life without a few Marines.
my oki boys, most of all.
i do like the fact that you can meet someone once and over a year later, still be close and in touch with them. i enjoy talking to price and leclair. they are always there when i need them. they check up on ryder and i, and whenever i have a problem, i know i can always go to them. we only talk on occasion and i feel more comfortable, and know them better than some of the people i have known my entire life. they have changed my life this deployment, and helped me understand myself and my marriage better. they really are such goofy characters. and i love the both of them.

this is my happy little almost four month old son.
the absolute light of my life.
he's on the move!
ryder now rolls from back to front with ease, and front to back when he feels like it. he now holds his own bottle 90% of the time, except when he's super tired. he's almost always smiling. and he cracks up when you clap his hands together, like it's the funniest thing in the world. he pulls his own binky out and sometimes gets it back in. if not, he just chews on the side like a cookie. he still has his tummy issues but today, was a fantastic day for him. he LOVES his aunt Mo. she's been such a big help to us the last few months. he's what makes her want babies! he still has Bink 97% of the time, but that's okay. he sleeps through the night, and naps really well, but only sleeps longer if mommy is next to him. nap times with little man are mommys favorite. he babbles all the time, and giggles at the little things.
and he makes me fall more and more in love with him every single day.
i'm going to let him be little, because he will only be my teeny baby once.
i rock him to sleep every night.
and wake up to his smile every morning.
i wouldn't have life any other way!

mommy loves you polie!

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