Thursday, August 25, 2011

day 147; my teenage dream.

day 147; operation deployment.

another school year starts and alot of people i went to high school with have already graduated college.
i look back on their last few years of life and see a lot of parties, a lot of boyfriends and girlfriends, changes in their majors. still in the same old city we grew up in. a lot, still with their parents. some have babies, but not too many have their baby daddys in their lives. i see how unhappy a lot are, or the ones with degrees, they do nothing with. i'm sure those years are fun. and sometimes, i wish i could have gone away to college, have a roommate, gone to parties on the weekends. i could have slept with far more guys than i have, trying to find one to love me.


i married a man that i barely knew.
i said goodbye to him before boot camp after only being in his life three short months. i wrote him a letter every single day, and i flew to San Diego for that next first kiss.
we struggled through a pointless, very painful break up, and i chased him to the east coast and watched him fall in love with me all over again, if he had even fallen out of love with me at all.
that was the last weekend i saw him before he flew home and made me his wife.
three months.
ten days.
emergency leave.
and one weekend.
thats all the time that i got to see my boyfriends face before i became his wife.

exactly one year after meeting Michael for the first time, we arrived across the country from our hometowns, twentynine palms.
we didn't know it yet but at that time, we were pregnant with Ryder.
one year to the day he first kissed me, we moved into our first house together as husband and wife. 
almost a year to the day that we first had our first unprotected sex, baby scare, we had a positive pregnancy test. 
and two years after we first met, Michael was in Afghanistan. 
things haven't been all that easy until he got a reality slap in the face. but we worked every little thing out and things have been almost perfect for a few months now.
and i wouldn't trade it for anything.
i love him more than i have ever loved anyone.

time; oh terrible time
is the one thing that you can never get back. 
i don't see a point in dating for 4+ years before marriage. the person you started dating changed over 4 years time, so you can't ever base a marriage on knowing one person. because that person, won't be that person for very long. 
i watch so many people carefully plan out their lives, with a degree, a steady boyfriend, a long engagement, then a huge wedding. but why? a wedding doesn't prove that you will make it work. years, and time, don't tell you, "hey! they're always going to treat me this way and things will be good!"
because i bet you, they won't be.
so whats the point in waiting?

the best loves in life, are the ones you least expect.
the man you least expect to fall in love with.
i have to admit, i noticed mikes bike before i noticed his face, and at the time, i liked someone else. 
everything in life falls into place.
no matter what.
if one man hurts you, maybe that's not who you're suppose to be with. or maybe it is. because it builds you up, while tearing you apart. you go down this bumpy road until one day you're in this huge clearing, of sunshine and a summer breeze and realize, "this. this is where it should be."
thats exactly what i have.

college, ends.
degrees, go to waste.
parties, die.

true love, never ends.
and neither will my love for my husband and my son.
always, always.

another side note, since a worthless person said to be "family" irritated me.
i  want to point out that the statement, "without family, you have nothing"
is incredibly false.
Michael and I only have our moms, and sometimes our dads, and a sibling, involved in our life. we go over a year without seeing them, he rarely talks to his, i only talk to my mom. we live across the country and we all miss out on each others lives.
he's a pathetic drunk, of 30 years old, lives in his moms old house, clearly, has no priorities, will more than likely never get married or have a family.
decides to tell me that i need to cherish the love and friendship of family and if i didn't hate everyone and think their bitches, i would have a family.
oh, how him and his drunk ass father give Michaels a bad name. tsk, tsk. what a shame.

i sure do have a whole fucking lot without having their "love and friendhsip"
how can i even call them family? when they never ask how i am, or whats new with me. none of them congratulated me on my son. they just judged me for it. and yet they live such sad, pathetic lives. my brother, and three older cousins, don't even have significant others, and will never know the true meaning of family.
i love how my aunt gave us shit at our wedding reception, and her son gave us a box of condoms.
about how "oh, usually you wait a decent amount of time to marry someone that you first bring around your family. we've only met him twice."
bitch, he was in TRAINING.
and i'm sorry that the ones your kids date for "a decent amount of time" can't hold onto someone.
she also told me i was "line jumping"
that marriage should come in the order of the grandkids and ages.
so, my 20 year old cousin that has never been in a serious relationship, my 26 year old brother that has never had a girlfriend, as well as my 24 year old cousin, who has never had a serious boyfriend.. i'm suppose to wait for my "right of passage" before getting married, waiting in line until i DIE?! you've got to be shitting me.
that even pissed Michael off, seeing as that was the day he told me he wanted to stop trying for a baby. and then he was so heated, he said "fuck it, lets do it anyway"
and handed that box of condoms to Jon.

and then when i went back to indiana for my papas funeral, my brother told me that no one cared about what i had to say, i flat out called my aunt a bitch and walked the fuck out of the house, walked 15 miles home in the heat, in flip flops, 8 weeks pregnant because it was better than being around those people.
because being pregnant, she tried judging me even more?!
going back there was a mistake.
and after papa died, the family fell apart. and i am so thankful i wasn't there to watch it.
and never will be.

[p.s. this is my moms side. the Patersons and my dads, i have never had one single issue with. they have supported me and loved me my entire life. they have never ever judged me. i love and miss all of them dearly, and i wish we all talked more often. THAT, is family. the other side.. i don't belong in. never have and never will.]

my family is my husband and our son.
first and foremost.
my mom, and my dad.
my niece and nephew, who, have almost forgotten me.
monique and steven.
my dads side of the family.
and the few close friends i have in my life.
i am happy, healthy, and well. i am stronger than i ever imagined.
how the fuck do i "have nothing"? then?
sad, sad, people.

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