day 142; operation deployment.
hm, i wonder if i should really be writing this, but i'm a little too excited not to. i suppose its no secret. mike and i are going to have more babies, duh.
well, we just spent about three hours discussing and weighing options and the best time to try for sprout numero two.
ever since i got the Mirena put in, he has been stressing out. a few days before my appointment he came to me and told me he wasn't sure he wanted me to get it. he liked the risk, and he wanted another baby. its been tearing him apart ever since Ryder was born because he wasnt there, and has already missed so much. Ry right now, is MY baby. to him, and to Mike, they only exist to one another in pictures and skype. it breaks both of our hearts. i know for sure that i do want more, i've already have bouts of baby fever. but i know that i can not handle giving birth and going through the beginning on my own ever, ever again. it's a wonder to me how i got through the first time.
him and i both hate that my life is on hold. i would love to go back to school. but with him bouncing in and out of country, that just isn't an option. i could easily get a sitter while i was in class, but the demands of a little one when i'm home is just too difficult. most days i can barely take a crap without having to rush. the only down time i really have to do anything is when he falls asleep at night and even then, i go to bed far too late. i honestly love being a mommy. thats the only dream of mine that hasnt changed since i was a kid. i knew i wanted to grow up, get married, and have five babies. everything else has changed. from a Marine, to a police officer, now i have been tossing the idea of becoming a psychologist. most days i can barely help myself, but i sure as hell can help others.
a few days ago we got word that Mike might be deploying only a year after he gets back. no time to get started in anything. i told him and myself, that i will go back to indiana. personally, i never ever want to have to go through this without my husband and mom, ever, ever again. it nearly killed me the first time. not so much the physical aspect of it, but the emotional of doing it completely on my own. and if i go back to indiana i can at least coach a few times a week and save up for when we get out of the marine corps.
we have both been tossing around the idea of another baby, all the what ifs, the outcomes, hardships. my main thing was.. it being difficult on my own again. with one being on the move and one being helpless. but i know, i need to do whats best for my husband and what he wants. i know i want more babies, the question is just when. why wait? if he leaves again, it's still going to be hard regardless of Ryder, plus another, or not. if it's going to be tough, why wait longer until things get more smooth, and add another and make it tough again? then they all grow up, i send them off to school, all close together, and then i get ME time. right now. the only thing i know FOR SURE, is that i want to be a wife and a mommy to 3 or 5 babies. everything else is up in the air.
if he deploys more than a year after homecoming, we will try again right hen he gets back until January. if we aren't pregnant by then, we will wait until he gets back from the next deployment. if he deploys less than a year after, we will wait until after next deployment as well. if we get pregnant within those first few months, i will be pregnant with monique more than likely, so i wont be alone. closer to deployment will determine whether i stay here or go to indiana. theres a long list of requirements for staying here. if he does deploy next year and i am not pregnant, i will more than likely go back to indiana for a few months and start saving and getting my own life on track for when we EAS. [which can't come soon enough.]
not to mention, we have all our baby names chosen. so why not?? :)
i love my husband and my son. things have never been and will more than likely never be easy with them. there has been struggles with both Mike and Ryder. and everything happens for a reason. ryder came into our lives, mine especially. when i was left alone for the first time in my life and he showed me more about myself than i ever could have imagined. michael as well, he came him, swept me off my feet and saved my life. he was there when i needed him the most. our little lyvia or jayce will do the same. she or he will come when we need him or her the most. things happen when they need to all fall into place. and this time, having another baby, wasnt really my idea. i love my husband and i know every piece will fall in its place.
he just needs to get home first. <3