Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Day 60; my Strong and Steady.

Day 60; Operation Deployment.
first, before i start talking about my day, since i post this on facebook, i want to know how many people ACTUALLY read this. so, if you do, please "like" below. :)

So, i have been trying to decide what to do to get away from this place and Michaels ghost. well today, i just had him followin me even more. BUT, i managed to get out of twentynine damn palms.
oddly enough on the way home, i was happy to be back. funny how when you leave, you always want to run back.

just getting into the truck was a feat for me. the radio is always haunted with old songs, no matter WHAT i listen to, it somehow has him in all the words.
except Spanish, i never know what the hell they're saying.
not to mention i was headed to places we've been before.
i was nervous, because i had never driven farther than yucca myself, but, holding my breath and all through the zigzag, i faced my fear and made it.
we stopped off at Ballards and bought my BOOTS.
if you have been around me the last week or two, you'd know how excited i was.
Mike and i stopped in there during predeployment leave and i was so stoked. but, my feet were hugely swollen due to the wee man in my belly, so they didn't fit. and i knew that whatever size i got, i couldn't wear until now, and they might be too big.
so, iwent and i got them. and instantly they won my heart. i haven't felt that way since i got my Brooks. it was an amazing feeling. yes, falling in love with two pieces of hard leather, don't judge me!
then, we were off to the mall. i was a little nervous on a California highway, but i quickly got over it. it wasn't much different than 80/94. 
we went to the mall where i was in search of jeans.
and let me tell you, yourself, with a baby, and no one else, basically sucks. 
i attempted manuevering this stupid stroller through stores and kept running into things because most places, have NO room.
i wanted to punch slow walking people in front of me that took up the entire walkway so i couldn't pass.
then, he was hungry, right after i sat and had lunch myself, while he slept.
i hated sitting there at a table stuffing my face alone. not to mention trying to push a stroller and juggle a plate of food. and whenever i went to sit down at a table at the end, some random ONE person, that apparently couldnt walk a few more feet to an inside table, sat down. and i wasn't about to squeeze through people and chairs, so i walked around like an idiot for a few minutes, playing musical fucking chairs. you'd think that'd make me eat more, you know, eating my feelings? no. i got tired of the food fast, sighed, and kept walking.
so anyway, my hungry baby. i couldn't very well take him out, and he was yelling so i didn't feel like battling mannequins and displays to get back to the food court and feed him in the family lounge. so with one hand i held his bottle to his mouth, while pushing the stroller, and looking at clothes.
i ended the trip getting me some jeans and shorts, seeing as i have one pair of jeans that still fit, and two pairs of shorts. neither base appropriate, lol. and some outfits and jammies for Ryder.
which i realized, i have a skinny kid and it will be extremely hard to find pants that fit him in the future, just like his daddy. a pair of 0-3 month jammies, i could fit TWO of him in.
and i swear he's like daddy's little banker. he got fussy towards the end like "mommy, lets go. no more buying!"
the drive home, i was weaving in and out of traffic, like we use to do.
i was following a blue crotch rocket, like i use to. just, clearly, wasn't my husband or his bike.
the radio was still poking at my heart.
driving long distances reminds me of Mike anyhow. the first week we met, i drove six hours to Evansville to see Kelsey Jo, him and i texting the entire way there.
the roads are the roads we use to hold hands on.
i smiled, i laughed, and i cried, going to and from Palm Springs.
i'm turning into such a big baby. but yes, everything reminds me of him. things are getting more and more difficult with him being gone, not easier like you'd assume. i suppose that's the second stage of Deployment? can i make a list of all these damn stages? because i know they're true, i know they apply! and not just to me.
the mix and wheel of emotions we go through during the 7 months their gone. it's retarded.
all i wanted to do was get out of this city, and have his ghost stop following me for a few hours, i figured, maybe i could breathe. that wasn't the case. the trip made things harder. i couldn't wait to get back.
but when i was back, i was happy because i had my boots, lmao.

Mike has always been my strong and steady. when i met him, i was a mess, just a bunch of pieces scattered down roads i never want to go again. but he came along and glued them all back in place, and places his heart in the middle. i've been trying to be okay without him. without talking to him during the week. and days usually past fairly quickly. but being here without him just isn't the same. i've never lived completely on my own. the entire last year i have depended on him, in some way. his touch, his face, his voice, his letters, to get through the day. and now, i get nothing most days and it's tough. that's the beauty of it all.
at least, through all of this i can honestly say. it hasn't changed the way i look at my husband. a lot of people need to talk to them everyday, or their minds start to change, they might sway and stray a little. but not me. in fact it makes me love him and appreciate him more. though i miss him i know I'm lucky to have him to miss. i just, would really like my husband home now. it sucks being a solo parent with the ties of loving someone so much and they can't be there.

Michael Patrick, Hurry Home.

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