Thursday, May 26, 2011

Day 56; I Love This Life.

Day 56; Operation Deployment.
Day 35; Baby Ryder.

i can honestly say that everything in my life is in it's right place.
i love my husband now, more than ever. i am seeing such amazing changes in him and i know that when he comes back, everything will be different. we will be better, we will make an amazing team. he has shown me so incredibly much lately and i couldn't have higher hopes for the daddy is will come home to be. as well as a husband. re reading through all our old memories, looking at our old photographs, and watching old videos, i still marvel at the fact on how far we have come as a couple. how all the battles to stay together, and the battles between him and i, have gotten us to this strong point in both our lives. reliving our memories makes me fall in love with him more and more each and every day. even if we currently can't talk often. i know nothing can ever tear us apart now. it's my boys and i against this world.
try to break us.

being in this house without him, in this city. 
everything reminds me of him. it's beginning to make my heart ache. his shadow is always with me, walking right beside me. whether it be a song, a flashback, any memory. he is always here. it makes me miss him more. i barely sleep anymore, knowing he's waiting for me in my dreams and my dreams are always playing tricks on me. i tell him all my dreams, he tells me i need to stop drinking at night, lol. and says i have nothing to worry about. and for once, i know that's true.

i love my friends. i honestly couldnt have asked for a better family away from my own. Monique and i hang out almost every day that she's here. we've taken up Zumba together. we sit around and talk about Mike and Steven, and we've gotten SO incredibly close, that each others husbands are almost our own. we get their names mixed up all the time, though, Mikes a scrawny little white boy, and Stevens a meaty black guy.
it just works for us, lol!
we were sitting in Lisettes living room, surrounded by boxes and paints and decorations and care package items the other night when we decided to start playing with Mo's video camera on the TV.
up popped my husband that, can't dance. and Steven and Reyes dancing on xbox kinect. there was videos from the Boyds old house. and then we watched the night right before they left, how she videos her conversation with Steven. just the things he said, i laughed, i cried. 
we cry over each others husbands, that's just how close we are now.
at the concert when Mike was IMing me, he told me something personal and Monique actually read it before i did. i looked at her and her eyes were all teared up. then i read it and i did too. we have no shame. we're our own little family.
it's nice having someone to do care packages with, to talk to that's going through the same exact thing at the same exact time. in a land where our husbands are doing the same exact thing. 

everything about this Deployment has already changed me, not even two months in. 
i have become more of an independant strong woman, when it came the time to raise a newborn all on my own. not only did i have to become a Solo Mommy for a little while but i was also wife, daddy, a husband, a dog walker, a housekeeper, a cook, a grocery shopper, a bill payer, and a laundry specialist. honestly, it hasn't been easy. there are some really rough days. but then my son does something that just takes all the pain away from me. he is honestly, my partner in life. he's my best friend, my little man. we do everything together and i have no idea where i would be right now without him.
i have grown up and realized the important things in life. first and foremost, my family. i HAVE to do whats right for my two boys now. that's the only thing that really matters. sure, i might not be too happy with the way things have gotten, or the people that i have lost, but i did it all for a reason. there's one in particular that i miss talking to. but she's linked to the posionous people in Michaels life that i simply can not subject my son to.
he counts on me in every way possible to protect him.
when you have an almost 9 pound life to protect, you throw your own feelings aside and sit and thing and do what you think is right. no matter what that means. 
my life revolves around my husband and my son.
a little boy that carries around his teal binky, and an amazing man that carries around a rifle.
my heart just swells when i think about what an amazing life i'm living. and how much better it will be when he gets back. 
i am so thankful that every piece is falling into its place and that when he does get back, nothing will be the same as before. a fresh start, a brand new page.
just the three of us.

i love you Michael Patrick,
and i love you, Michael Ryder.

No comments:

Post a Comment