Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Day 47xtwo; Memory Lane.

i told you today i was a mess, well, tonight is just much worse.
but with every single word that i read in my journal beginning with boot camp, i fall more in love with my husband. and i realize, so, so much.
how strong we were after only knowing one another for 3 months, for him to leave for the same amount of time.
i want to blog some things i wrote, as to never forget them.

09 NOV 09.
"in my journal at the beginning of the year i wrote;
One day a man is going to come into my life and sweep me off my feet, never let me go. love me and never change that. see all my scars and believe that I'm beautiful, and love me for everything i am, and everything that I'm not. because no one else is billy. and when that day comes i might as well turn around and just walk away. because i simply have nothing left of myself to give.
and i didn't have much to give. but to Michael, that was always enough. for the past 3 months  havent been able to remember what pain felt like. i have been treated the way i should have been all along. he has seen every scar, and has never thought of me as any less beautiful than the day that we met. he is the most amazing man in the world."

14 NOV 09.
"and there i stood. face to face with my abuser in the form of every memory we had ever made. cleaning my room i ran into memories i have been forever trying to escape. they were bleeding through the floorboards. the one thing i can never erase. i wonder how and why i was so naive to stay with him for so long. and where i found the strength to keep living the time that i did."
[in regards to my year and a half abusive relationship that Michael helped me let go of. i still think it's beautiful.]

14 NOV 09.
[on a happier note.]
"each day my adoration for that man grows. i hope when he gets home he's still that goofy blue eyed kid that comes in at the end of the day smelling of the cool breeze and sweet seat; that little boy smell. i hope he still smiles at me from across the room and thinks that i am beautiful in pjs and a ponytail. the sweet boy that holds me tight every night and rolls around with me in the morning. i hope that when he has to leave again, he misses me even more. and as much as i wonder these things, deep down, i really do know. that some things never change. i day dream about the day we will meet again. what i'll wear. what he'll say. i long for that "next first kiss". i count down the days, 10 more weeks, 10 more Sundays."

16 NOV 09.
"i couldnt be more happy as everyday starts to unfold. i never thought i could ever feel this way. how could i, after what i had just survived? how could i possibly trust a guy, who was such a rebel? but when i think back and look at our memories, the very little pieces of us, i can't help but to fall in love all over again. all i have is our entire book or memories, that will never stop, they are all impossible to forget. they keep me going. i wake up on these lonesome mornings and i keep looking at my phone. our goofy picture. that day i became his cinderella in a pickup truck. our moment. frozen in time. captured. forever, forever."
[and when i talked about the first time we made love i said "it didn't last very long but it was enough to get me to start falling for him." LMAO. i just thought it was humorous!]

17NOV 09.
"i am battling this ghost. the ghost of him. giving me his heart. playing his guitar. every snuggle. all the love, as well as baby making. all our heart to hearts. his room. the kitchen. that shower. i am here. he is not. he is all i need to breathe and i feel like i am suffocating. nothings the same. his room is far too quiet. his phone isn't plugged in. the radio isn't on. he's not laying in his spot. it's so hard not being able to reach out and touch him right now. i look for him. he isn't there. i reach out into nothingness. i call his name. i breathe him all in. our memories. i close my eyes. but i can no longer feel him."

"the only thing i am sure of, is that Michael loves me. nothings been the same since he left. scrolling through all our pictures i am drawn to things i never noticed before. his soft hands placed gently on mine. the way his eyes shine brighter when i look at him. every captured moment, it all seems so different now. i hate that. he had to leave but i couldn't ask him to stay. i wonder how i am possibly getting by without the man i call my life."

"he's my glue. my put back together. he isn't here. so i play my own humpty dumpty as i sit on this wall. every day i teeter, i taughter, but i can't seem to fall.."
[love this!]
"I can't tell you how dearly i hold all our memories. geesh, that first night ride. that night i remember the most. because it was the night i fell in love with him. something about the way our bodies moved in perfect sequence on all the curves on the bike. my hands placed gently on the hem of his leather jacket, or comfortable around his waist, my head on his shoulder as we rode around Cedar Lake. the jokes on all those empty roads. just him and i, the jokes on all those empty roads. just him and i, we always got so far together, with no destination in mind. i never felt as complete as i did with my Michael. from the very beginning. i think i lost my heart the first time he smiled at me. or the first time he kissed me by the lake. maybe it was those nerdy ass clears. i couldnt tell him, but i knew i loved him then.
I remember almost everything about our summer. my handsome lover. i remember when i kept him in during sex, only two weeks into our story. the look on his face. i thought he was going to be pissed, and i bawled my eyes out as he showered. but he came downstairs and held me. never mentioned the morning after pill. this was it. then it was such an interesting "what if" which matured into a baby name. as well as seeing his eyes light up whenever he play boarded over my invisible belly. how he'd casually mention that i might be eating for two whenever i didn't eat. or made a baby bump with his arms when he stood behind me. each time we risked it, became a little bit more serious. the butterflies in my tummy every single time he told me, we would be safe, but then he chose not to be. because he "wouldn't mind being stuck with me forever" it never happened, and everytime, his face fell. because i changed his mind on everything, including starting a family. but soon enough we will have our beautiful Lakai Ryder Nelson. [and so, Ryder came about. from the beginning of our story.]
I cherish our alone time memories the most. very rare did we use this time for sex. everyone had already heard it, so we used this time for things without all of them. the night they all went to doty. we half watched a movie and joked around. the pillow fight at midnight in the middle of the Meijer parking lot. the night he serenaded me with his guitar. waking up on Sundays, which, from his letters, he says he misses the most. how we'd put on Tom and Jerry and stay in bed another hour. our sweetest day sob fest, epiphany by Staind, no i still can't listen to that song. our snuggles in the fall rain storm, going to Van Tils for marshmellows and choclate for smores in the microwave. dancing in the kitchen to no music, just our heart song. our showers, where half of our time was spent. drilling. talking. me washing his hair, him washing mine. our slick bodies as one. all those little moments like holding hands in the car, everywhere we went. his handsome profile in the summer sunlight. his hands clutching his tyrant skateboad. that's where it all is.
if Michael only knew it. honestly, how very much i loved him. i still wake up every morning, even if i have to wipe tears from my eyes, and wonder how i got so lucky. no longer do i think it's too good to be true. this is all so incredibly real. he's forever, forever. since day one, i've loved him, and him i. i know he knew it then. though at times it gets difficult, it's all worth it.
just knowing at the end of the day, even if the Marine Corps has him, he's still mine. he saw me when no one else saw me, he made me UN invisible. he made me his. he made me fearless. he's made me, me. i cant wait to see him in san diego. kiss him. whisper "baby we made it" he's all i have ever wanted. and i'll never stop loving him."


"Michael always has a way of making me put my foot in my mouth."
[lmao, till true.]

"the only thing i was ver really good at was being invisible. it's not that things feel any different actually, it feels like he never ever left. his hair is shorter, his walk is taller, but he's my same old boy. and once he leaves again, it'll feel like he was never even here at all.

"you know this struggle. falling to pieces on a very ordinary thursday. when i wake up and grab his picture and the last letter he gave me and put them in my pocket. i put on his boot camp company shirt, one of the only one's i've worn since he left. it put it on and feel the property of a us marine dogtag and the mizpah coin, the other half with him, hit me in the chest. my empty chest, because my hearts a thousand miles away. walking through the halls where no one knows your name, where you've been, or what you face. praying to just get through another day. wiping away the tears and putting on your face of brave. and no one really understand what it takes, to be in the Silent Ranks."
[Something you'll never see. my hero has a set of wings. dogtags hang from around his neck. and a pair of boots on his feet.]

"i have never been in love before. love with Michael makes me reach for more. i feel it not only in my heart, but my body and soul. i love everything about him. the way he walks, the way he speaks. the way he smiles and the way he breathe. every second to every day, i think about him, always."

things between Michael and i have changed drastically since we've met one another, not yet even two years ago. we've grown as individuals, and even more so as a couple. these are just a few journal entries i wrote while he was away at Boot Camp. yes, there we're some not so good day one's as well. but these, will forever melt my heart. i will never forget a single day of our life together. reading back to these, i am in awe. through thick and thin, we will always, always, make it through.
i love you, Michael Patrick Nelson.
Forever, Forever.

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