Sunday, May 29, 2011

Day 58; Love Is...

Day 58; Operation Deployment.

for almost the first time in my life, i am currently near speechless at all the built up emotions that are locked inside my tiny body.
everything is so jumbled up, i feel like i might throw up every word i have ever said or thought.
there is no right way to spill my heart out.
but i can start by saying this;

I Am Happy.
though i am currently sitting with tears on the verge of spilling out all over the keyboard.

all this Deployment has made me do, is sit, and think.
i went back to the beginning of Michael and I's relationship, the very first day we met, and forced myself to re live every single day we spent together. every goodbye, every hello. every happy moment, but mostly every fight.
since day one, things were never really ideal.
in all honesty, i never imagined myself falling for a guy like Mike.
a skinny kid that listened to rap and carried around a skateboard. honestly, i think it was the motorcycle at first. that's all it was. a silly little dream, dating a bad boy.
never in a million years did i expect things to be this way.
there was so many times in the first three months, that i should have walked away from him. i remember one time, maybe a month and a half into dating. that we were laying on his bed. and i told him, i couldn't do this. i didn't want to be with a man that was going to be gone for more than half of our lives. that i didn't know if i could stay with someone i barely knew, while they were away for three months. and that was just the first time. i remember, getting up and grabbing my MP3 player and walking out of his house. i was a block and a half away when i heard heavy footsteps running up behind me, and Mike reaching for my hand. my shoving him away, telling him, this wasn't what i wanted. him holding me, and telling me it was going to be alright.
honestly, most of our relationship was never really fair to me. i never got my time with him, i have always shared him. i was always treated the same though i had done so much more for him than anyone had ever tried to do. so many times i just held my tongue. so many times there was always two sides to the story. mine; the truth. and theirs; what they wanted to hear. 
i always hoped that one day, he would marry me. 
never had i imagined him breaking up with me.
i should have seen it coming, in March when he came to Indiana. he had tried telling me he wasn't going to put me through this anymore back in MCT. which was only a few weeks before.
i relived that week, that, god awful week. and still i have no idea what happened. i rethought about the rumor that was spread. i cried over it. i threw it back and forth thinking, what if it really was true? that Mike hadn't told me for the sake of the both of us? and what if, years down the line, he sat me down and told me, that it actually happened. what would i do?
that answer is; Nothing.
Nothing will ever happen to us, no matter what has happened. that ONE simple thing, would more than likely hurt less, than some of the emotional battles i dealt with. I can never give up on him, on us.

being with Michael, has never been easy. i don't see it getting any easier any time soon either.
i have dealt with his friends and every harsh word that have tried to throw at me. i let it hurt me for the longest time. no longer does it. the arguments and disagreements of his family and i. they never understood how i could possibly love him so much in such a short time. or how could he. he honestly saved my life in summer 2009. and in retrospect, i also saved his. we survived the break up, that whole week of my heart being shattered. but the moment we were face to face, it all melted away. we have fought of important things and stupid things. we have both said and done mean things to the other, whether realizing it or not. and many, many times, i have wanted to walk away from him. i never gave up. and look where we are now.

the truth is.
Michael and i will forever be part of the other.
i no longer worry that he will change his mind on me.
because honestly, if either one of us ever does.
i know for a fact, that it won't be for good.
i know that all it will take is him coming to get Ryder for the weekend, and our hearts will blend back together. a fire will be relit. 
no, us being apart will never be forever.

people didn't expect us to last through boot camp. they actually even put themselves between us in the situation to attempt to stop it.
we pulled through it, together.
people thought they had finally won in March when what happened, happened. but they don't know what he was whispering in my ear when we were together.
we pulled through it, together.
people thought Mike was too smart to marry me. that he would see me as the monster they made me out to be. they never expected him to chose me, over them.
he did.
and we also pulled through that, together.
we are not fighting our most difficult battle. it's just the three of us now. 
people will never understand it.
and that's what makes it love.

through all our pictures and memories, i have enjoyed watching the two of us grow together. and now, adding our precious son into the mix of our life.
the moment he stepped onto that white bus, everything changed.
and though i was worried that when he came back, things wouldn't be how they needed to be, i no longer have that doubt in him.
he's going to be the most amazing dad to Ryder.
this Deployment has strengthened our love to such an extent that we will be a better husband and wife to the other.
we are no longer fighting against each other, but fighting along side the other. and we are going to make everything work.
he told me today he couldnt wait to meet his little "life changer"
and Ryder, is just that.
when he comes home we start the next chapter of our lives together.
and i can promise you, nothing will ever be the same as before.

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