Thursday, April 21, 2011

Day Twenty; haunted radio.

Day Nineteen; Operation Deployment.
ah, i miss my husband, like, uber bad tonight.
it's taken me about 3 weeks to get to this point, and honestly, I'm surprised.
and the thing that broke me?
fucking RAP music.
fuck. my. life.

i chose this picture as the picture today because it's one of the first ones Mike and i took together.
i remember this night clearly.
i went to his house to stay the night before my Evansville drive.
he was sick but that didn't matter. 
i mean this kid was knocked up on cold medicine and was so out of it but we stayed up late making love and snuggling anyway.
it was a friday.
and i was nekked in this picture. but i took it anyway.
we hadn't known each other long but look at the way he looked at me then.

i have decided that i can't really listen to ANYTHING without thinking of Mike.
my skinny scrawny little white boy listens to rap. rap, i hate rap!
but yet i find myself in tears. going back to a time, a place, where he was singing completely off key, more than likely not even singing the right lyrics.
Eminem, Jeezy, Lil Wayne. Kanye.
i guess it's because he keeps telling me he listens to our songs over in Afghanistan.
i wonder if he feels his heart rip into pieces just like i currently am
"Not Afraid" Eminem. our road trip to California. I woke up in Iowa to him screaming this song at the top of his lungs to stay awake. bobbin his head. <3
today was a bad day for the two of us. and realizing how close Ryder was to being here, and we've never been this far apart, when all we really need is to be together. it's really getting to him and i can't be there to do anything to help him through this.
while also, handling myself feeling the exact same way, but trying to hold it all together for my family.
and all we need right now is to be in our bed, just laying there, listening to these songs i have ALWAYS hated together.
i never imagined doing this all without him, my best friend, my shoulder. 
i know he had to go. i will never think it's fair, but i understand it isn't his fault.
i'd do anything. tonight, i just need you.
i fucking miss you, Michael Patrick.

there's so many songs now added to the "no no" playlist.
NOTHING is the same without him.
please come home soon.

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