Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Day Eleven, Twelve, and Thirteen; &*!!!@$%#^&




the last three days, i have just been so incredibly stressed out.
and i can't recall ONE good thing that has happened.
Monday, after about 3 hours of sleep, i had a WIC appointment. where they told me i might no longer qualify because Mike is Deployed and he might "make too much"
which really made me angry because that was a load off our shoulders and we could actually finally SAVE somewhere. i'm not worried about my food, I'm worried about the formula. we had that planned and then now it might not work that way.
i get home and call my mom and we talk about it and i calm down.
just to check our minutes and see that i had hit the limit.
and we still have 7 days in the billing cycle.
just awesome!
i had told Mike NOT to lessen our minutes because, especially with him gone, I'll be calling my mom a lot.
so, god forbid i go into labor, no one will know about it unless i text them, or it's after 9 PM!
this is why i never wake up before 11 AM, bad things happen.
so i went back to sleep.
later while I'm on facebook i see Chris's status calling me a skank that had herpes, saying i needed to stop blowing Marines since i had already gotten "knocked up" by one.
which pissed me off even more. like, really?
we've been together almost 2 years now and this shit STILL happens when he leaves. i don't care how many times I'm told "don't let it bother you"
it fucking does, it's annoying. not only that, but now they're creepin on my blogs!
do these people honestly have NO lives??
so, i had to get on Facebook, look up all the people i deleted, and BLOCK them, so that i could be invisible to everyone, and i didn't have to read the nasty comments on my husbands page.
i shouldnt have to do that, especially not with everything else going on!

tuesday i went and picked up our maternity photos and i was slightly disappointed.  i had expected more seeing as we took a lot of pictures.
and that is currently the only way that i could see my husband.
i was looking forward to seeing a couple more, that we'rent on the disk.
and the events of the day before still hadnt worn off, so i was angry.
i just went to friggen sleep after that. 
i went to Amber and Travis's [okay, i lied. being there was the one good thing for the week.]
and had a great time. honestly, i have no idea what i would do without them.
on my drive there, Monique, my supposed closest friend out here, that has been telling me since October that we were going to be in this birthing process together, we had this tight knit plan, tells me, OH! she's going to L.A. to visit her family until Easter Sunday.
what. the. fuck?
i knew she had a baby shower this weekend but to be gone that long, RIGHT by my due date, when you have been telling me this entire time about our plan?
you tell me you'll be back this weekend, then now extend it a week? then have the nerve to joke and say that he better wait until after Easter to make his arrival?!
i was so incredibly mad. must be fucking nice to get to see your family often.
i haven't seen mine since SEPTEMBER, and I'm the one that needs to.
it's a 2 and a half hour drive. you made a commitment to be there for me. go to the baby shower and come back.
i mean, if she was going to see other family she hasn't seen in awhile in another state, i could actually understand! but when they're less than 3 hours away and you can go see them whenever you want, and you JUST saw them, i can't.
it really put a whole other impression in my mind. i was completely let down.
i don't know what i would do without the Tilseths.
oh yeah i do, TAKE A FUCKING CAB TO DELIVER MY SON!
it just shocked me that this is happening, right now. 
when I'm already broken down!
i know, she means well, and i don't think she really knew that it would effect me and upset me THIS bad. seeing as she's been there for me for a really long time, but it really does hurt. 
 was really counting on her. and I'm jealous she gets to see her family so much.
just wish someone could and would always be there for me.

finally, last night, i got almost a full nights sleep.
waking up a few times to go pee, because this child likes playing with my bladder.
i wake up and FINALLY get a phone call from Mike.
knowing we have no minutes, i answer anyway and just decide to pay for the minutes we use.
how can i sit there and let my phone ring and NOT answer it?
maybe because it was that i kept having shitty days, but the phone conversation was NOT what i needed to hear at all. we talked about a few important things, he told me what he wanted in a care package, then asked if i have started one yet.
no Mike, I'm waiting until payday. you know, when i actually CAN.
as if I'm not already preoccupied with getting things ready for our son to be born, I'm sorry that sending a care package isn't first on my list this week.
this, coming from the guy who told me not to send anything often, to save money.
he tells me to send him a calling card as well because he only had 20 minutes left on his.
which reminded him to ask me how long we'd been talking, because he needed to make another call.
uhm, what?!
so i sit here and wait all week, when i could already have the baby, and you tell me all you want in this care package, and that we can't talk as long as you can because you needed to call someone else?
we didn't talk about much, some important things when it came to the house, but what could you POSSIBLY have to say to someone else? 
get online, find internet, and email them.
this could be the last time i talk to him before i give birth to our son, i've had a shitty few days, and then you rush off the phone to call... who exactly?
I'm assuming his mom. but to say what?!
I'm sure she knows you're safe and busy. shouldn't you want to talk to your wife?
yeah i know, maybe I'm selfish, but i really needed him. i really needed to hear him say that this was just a tough few days and it'll get better.
but i just got an "i love and miss you, talk to you soon, bye." at the end.

so i went to the MCX because i really want Photoshop. i was going to buy myself something for once!
when i asked about the stupid wifi booster he told me was 30 bucks that he really wanted so he could actually get online and talk and skype.
yeah, that shit was 80 bucks.
so yeah, i sat there and i bought it and didn't even bother looking at Photoshop.
and of course that irritated me because I've always put what i wanted aside for him.
call me crazy but i lived for him once. i wrote him in boot camp EVERY day, only receiving ten letters myself. and he came home with 16 unopened envelopes.
over a year later, they're still unopened in a box of letters we have. 
i spent so much time on them, pouring my heart out to him, telling him all he needed to hear to get by and they went unread. so excuse me for not jumping at the chance to do that all over again when I'm trying to prepare for the arrival of our son, by myself. when a ton of things are getting messed up!
as much as i love him, he's been gone 2 weeks. he knows i have a lot going on and will get to getting him things when i possibly can.
asking me the progress on care packages only makes it worse when I'm trying to fix everything here.
i wish there was more time, instead of his "other phone call" because he's missed a week of things, because he hasn't checked his email.
so there's a ton of crap he doesn't even know about, that isn't comforting!
i also called T Mobile to add minutes to our plan.
i wasn't worried about anything because when Mike suspended his line, he told the guy to put me as the primary on the account. i heard him say this.
well, apparently, I'm not. and there's nothing i can do to the account over the phone.
i have a POA, but i have no way to fax it as proof, and no way to drive an hour and a half away to do it myself. seeing as even a drive to and from base is comfortable anymore i can't handle it.
so i have another 5 days until i can actually use my phone before 9 PM.
how awesome is that?!

i've just had enough. i don't give a shit if you're sitting here reading this saying "oh, thats nothing, that's just life."
FUCK LIFE, then.
i can be strong, i can be tough, clearly I'm holding down the fort JUST fine.
but one thing one top of another, on top of another, and yet another. gets to be a little much.
i know I'd be handling this completely different if i wasnt 39 weeks pregnant, no signs of labor, not knowing what's going on with my body, or how to get hold of my husband, or a backup plan in case something goes wrong, AGAIN, if i could actually email my husband and him bother to check it, if he actually cared about whats important to me, and i didn't have to run around to everyone else, help everyone else, and just focus on me.
i think i have a right to bitch and moan from time to time.
tonight, is that time!

Magic Hour by Kristin Hannah is the current book I'm reading, though it exhausts me to do so. it's the only thing that'd gotten me through the last few days.
that, and The Sims 3. :)
so, that's my picture for the last three days.
i'm almost done with it, so I'm going to end my shitty post and go read the last few chapters.
and i'm going to hope tomorrow is a better day.
because at least i have a positive outlook that things WILL get better.
just not tonight.

p.s. i love you Michael.
even if you kind of make me mad sometimes.
i know you mean well, always. just don't forget about the two waiting at home.
<3


3 comments:

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  2. Wow...sounded like I was reading a replay of our first deployment...sending lots of *hugs*. I know you dont know me very well but I can truly say I have been where you are and I am here if you need anything. That offer for newborn photos is still good...no cost to you. My cell number is 712-253-5219 and my email is bbuggymama7@gmail.com. Wish I would have thought to vent like this...may have helped me more.

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  3. Hey girly,
    I know were not that close but,
    You can fax stuff from the library on base and if you needed me to pick you up and take you there I wouldn't mind! I know how uncomfy it is to drive that pregnant. Sounds like you have a had a rough couple weeks! My husband uses Spawar which is a calling card but it is all online and a lot cheaper then using calling cards and a lot easier for you cause you just have to put minutes on it online. As for cell phone minutes Cameron and me go threw them like crazy, especially during deployments and this time we got a house phone which has long distance and we only pay 19.99 a month for it. If you need anything at all feel free to text me 760-898-3404. <3Alyssa

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