Thursday, April 28, 2011

Day 26; Emotional Day

Day 26, Operation Deployment.
Day 5; Baby Ryder.
today was a rather emotional day in many ways. 
i woke up early and when Ryder fell back to sleep i took a long shower. the groginess and soreness in my entire body still hasnt worn off.
i hear a weird noise and realize it's my phone ringing and i get to it a tad too late.
i just stared at my phone, ignoring the puddle i was making on the floor, begging him to call back. 
and a few minutes later he did.
i was so thankful to hear from him, even though it's only been a few days. 
i hadn't talked to him since Easter morning and that's when we were still in the hospital.
we talked for half an hour.
he commented on my new "mommy boobies" and wanted a picture, lmao.
only my husband.
just hearing his voice and us talking about Ryder was hard. i had dealt with it fine just on my own but throwing Ry into the mix broke my heart a little bit more.

later when i finally got online, i saw the pictures he had emailed me about last week on Ryders due date. he had flown a flag in his Honor, even though we had no idea when exactly he would be here.
these pictures, are beautiful. i completely lost it when i saw them.
it touched my heart in so many ways, that he would do something like that for our son.
and just the way the picture was taken, him looking up at the flag, past the flag into the sky, the same one all three of us were under, was breath taking.
and the next one was where he was holding the honored flag for Ryder.
and his absolutely beautiful smile.

i had a cranky baby most of the day and i couldn't figure out what was wrong. i knew i had to stay calm and patient, and maybe nothing WAS wrong, he just felt like crying. but being a new mom i felt like i was messing up.
he'd fall asleep for a few minutes then wake up. i was getting frustrated because i actually WANT to breastfeed and not once today did he manage to latch on for more than a few seconds.
i'm already feeling crappy about my body, i just want to heal already and move on with my life. i hate taking the pain medicine they gave me because i can't stay awake.
so, i dealt with a crying baby all day.

but as soon as we get the skype call from Daddy, he stops.
Michael finally got to see his son for the first time. 
that in itself was super emotional.
i haven't seen him really since he left, minus a few minutes two days after.
he looks sooo good, so grown up, so... changed.
my mom says that's because he's a Daddy now, and it's because i was holding his son halfway around the world. 
it was true, i fell in love with him all over again.
seeing the two of them, and Mike just sitting there smiling, saying how tiny he was, but how chunky his cheeks were.
and Ryder sitting in my lap just wide eyed and staring at his daddy, hearing his voice, he remembered.
we talked for only a little bit, he had to get back to work, but promised to try again soon.
i broke down, absolutely lost it.
the pain in my heart was so incredibly great. not just for myself, but for my husband and my son.
i took a picture, the first one, and the only way we can do it, as a little family, for the next 7 months.

so, I'm going to snuggle him and hold him tight.
and wish we may and wish we might.
wish that Daddy stays safe tonight. <3

Michael Patrick, you're my entire world. i love you more than anything.
Michael Ryder, Daddy will tell you he loves you more, but it isn't true. regardless, Mommy and Daddy both love you!!

1 comment:

  1. such a sweet post. brought a tear to my eye. maybe more than one. :)