Friday, July 29, 2011

Day 119; One Year Ago.

Day 119; Operation Deployment.

one year ago today, Michael and i were driving through Colorado towards Denver when our wonderful baby was conceived. our lives changed forever at that very moment, we just didn't know it yet. and Ryder is the best thing to ever happen to us. :)
a year ago yesterday, i said goodbye to Indiana forever. i had and still have no plans to ever return to live, only visit. i left the little yellow house on State street, the house that built me. and i moved across the country with a man i had only known less than a year of my life. it has had it's ups and downs, and some days i wonder what would have happened if i never left. but i know my life is exactly where it needs to be.

whoever reads this, i ask of you, yet again.
before you come and complain to me about your life, please look at mine, and stop.
i lost a "friend" this week because she felt the need to constantly come to me talking about a new guy every few weeks.
while she was in a relationship.
she was recently dumped by the guy she was in a relationship for two years with, and that same day, was texting me about a new guy she wanted to meet. this has been going on for a few months.
i am married, with my husband child. i have been with, looked at, thought about. only one man for the last 2 years. i do not wish to hear about you guy hopping. and she was upet when i told her this. that talk, is for single girlfriends. if you have a relationship issue, with THAT man, not multiple others, i will be glad to help you. be devoted to ONE, that is all.

i am, a different kind of wife apparently. i noticed this on some page the other day.
i am not like a buisnessman's wife. if i was, my husband would have met my son.
same with a cops wife, firemans wife, or anyone else that faces fears during the 9-5 job.
i wish people understood that. 
i also, never complain that my husband is away. Deployment, is a piece of cake to deal with. if all i had to deal with, was him being away for 7 months, I'd be skatin. its everything else that takes its toll and even then, i do my best not to complain. and i have deleted a lot of people from my facebook because they do. especially the ones that don't have kids, and sit and whine during a Deployment. personally, i don't need to see how much you miss your husband thats on DUTY. or how you're sick and need him to take care f you. take some nyquil and take care of your damn self! sure, read this and think I'm a bitch, i long ago stopped caring. i don't need wimpy baby whiners in my life.

also, please don't complain to me, about the things i so wish i had in mine and my sons life. i would love to be irritated with my mom, or have ANY help from Mike whatsoever. i know things get frustrating for others, but do you not understand that i havent seen my mom, or any family member, in a years time? or that i havent seen my husband in 17 weeks, nor has he met his son? be thankful that you have that. that you have someone to hand your kid off to so you can have "me" time. it's just, i don't wanna hear it. ebcause if you were living my life, you couldn't do it, i can almost promise you that. so please find someone else to complain to!

ps. Tatum Dyke is like, my role model during this Depoyment.
i love how positive she is!!

well guys, after a long, long battle.
tonight i have chosen to completely be out of my mother in laws life, as well as my son. Michael can make his own choices. but i do not want her here, in my hometown, in my home, where i can't control when or how she sees my son.
you know i've always had issues with her.
i have tried, really, i have.
especially this Deployment. for awhile i would go out of my way to talk to her about Ry, send her photos, we'd talk once or twice a week. but one day i gave that up and decided, she can come to me. 
she hasn't.
the last two times she has asked how Ryder and i are, she calls him Ryder to me, not Mike. uhm, okay? but, i have filled her in. i told her his developments, his shots, what he did that day, and being polite, i asked her as well, how she was.
immediately, she goes into super long rants and raves about how shitty work is, she talks to me about people, like i know them. which is weird. then she was complaining about Tiffany throwing a party and again, Mikes friends, and telling me she kicked her own daughter out, or threatened to.
i was honestly going to let it go. but after like, four paragraphs of complaints, i had to say something.
i told her that yes, i understand things can get frustrating, but Mike and i have been through hell and back in the last 4 months and we don't really need anyones complaints. so she tells me, how much she loves and worries about Mike, and even Ryder and me. that she watched the news and wonders where he is and his safety every day, that he's still her baby, and what have you. she told me, "i know what it is like"... is she HIGH?! know what.. what is like exactly? being away from Mike? he GREW up, children are suppose t move away and be seperated from them, wives and husbands, shouldn't be seperated. shit, I'm seperated from my mom and she hasn't taken it hard since i left. we talk every day, we're close, best friends. and she's handling all this better! she told me that she doesn't even feel like a grandma because she hasn't met Ryder, and that she promised Mike she wouldnt come out here until he gets back. yes, because we discussed it and even he told me, it'd be awkward for me. if you think about it, she's nearly a complete stranger to me and what i DO know of her, i don't like. it has nothing to do with Mike being the first person to meet him. my parents will be here next week. :)
i just don't get it. it makes my brain hurt.
she says she worries about him everyday and hates watching the news because she doesn't know where he is. i know, every detail to where he is and what he does on a daily basis and she never bothers to ask. and she was online complaining to me, but didn't email her son or anything. 

i have just had it. i will never be respected. with my childs name, or the way she complains or STILL brings up the friends that are long ago dead to all of us. i emailed her a not so nice email but at least i wa honest. and i simply stated. if you want to be in our lives, at least Ryder and I's, then she needed to try a little harder before she lost all the people in her life. Michael will always make his own choices and I'm okay with that. but for right now until my son knows better, I make his choices for him, not even Michael, it's just me.
and that lady.
isn't someone we need around.
in indiana, or here.

i'm done trying, or giving a damn.
i know i'm perfectly fine with being a Monster to them.

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