Saturday, July 16, 2011

Day 106; Random Thoughts at 0400.

sometimes i sit and wonder, what would be different if all his friends liked me.
if his sister and i stayed close.
i always think back to before boot camp where her and i would stay up late laughing about the guys. sharing secrets. the time we skinny dipped in the pool and we went running into the house, with the guys in the living room and i fell and busted my shit.
i remember us dancing in the living room, and her sharing her heartache with me. i remember sharing secrets, like some sisters do.
i remember all the guys. and Ryan telling me to, "just do it"
i remember Steve telling Mike i was perfect, all wrapped up in a little 100 pound package.
i remember Doty, and skateboarding, and going to Mikes after school or work to all of them. i thought, we were a family. 
the drunken nights where Steve pulled me aside to ask my advice.
or going to Hessville.
it didn't even matter if Mike was there or not. it was never really ackward. we all just kind of meshed into a group from the get go. i still have no idea why.
we basically knew everything anyone else was doing then.
i remember going to mikes house, when he was out, and going down to our room and doing my homework. or sitting upstairs talking to his mom.
i remember all our inside jokes.
shit, i still have all my little notes on my blackberry of funny shit Ryan always said.
i remember the rush of street racing, having each others backs and pulling each other into the cars and taking off.
we all looked out for one another then. 
no, i can't remember those times.
and i cant remember when Mike left and it all fell apart.
his mom screaming at me and writing me threatening notes.
the guys saying i was obsessive, telling Mike i was cheating on him. saying i started so much drama and i was trying to take Mike from them. i remember worrying how i would get home from the airport after graduation because Tiffany said i wasn't allowed to ride with Jon and Ryan, there wasn't room.
i was scared i would just get pushed aside when he got home. that he would leave me because there were issues between all of us now.

i will always wonder.
what if i had tried harder? what if i cared about Mike less in the beginning? would we all still be close? would i not be terrified to go back to my hometown because i know there will be a lot of issues because they will want Mike to be the same old guy that died August 1st, 2010? it's sad how i don't want them around my son because i have seen the way they had acted around Tyler.
what ifs, will always run through my head. and i know that they shouldn't.
i loved Mike from the very beginning and i gave up everything for him. it didn't matter who knew him longer, we all knew him different. 
in the end, it was never really me. it was a lot of Mike and they way he handled things. he didn't feel he could actually tell them the truth because they always had something to say about it. in the end, i always looked like the bad guy, the monster. the controlling bitch.
and that's fine with me.

even if, things were still the same way as before.
what would be different now?
they would all be in Indiana, living their life. Mike, Ryder and i would be here, living ours. we might all talk more. i might feel a little better about going back to Indiana. we might all be caught up on each others lives. but that's about it.
they still wouldn't have come out here for pre deployment leave.
i would still be missing parts of lives.
no one would be helping me out here, or texting me to see how Mikes son is.
sometimes, i would love a text from them. not even asking about me. asking about our son. 
he's going on three months old now.
and no one, no one. ever cares to ask about him.
and no one ever asks about my husband either.
and that's where i draw the line on who actually cares, and who doesn't.
thats the thing about them. that they seem to have all wrong. it doesn't matter if i hate them or not. i can't keep them from my husband. i can keep them from my son, especially when they don't care enough to check on him every once in awhile. if they cared about Mike, they would. they would also see how i was holding up.
regardless on who likes who.
Mikes old schoolhouse friends, make sure I'm okay. they're, for the most part, up to date of Ryders life. David and Nick are known as "uncles" to our son because they've been a constant in our lives for over a year now. they say hi to me when Mike calls me, or when we're online. they respect me and not only do they let me know they miss me, they tell me, they can't wait to meet our son.
those, are friends.
i will always be a bitch to them, the monster.
but i could never ignore them if they asked me a question.
unless i felt they didn't need to know. which, i don't know what they could ask that i wouldn't answer.
it bothers me that, there are so many ways to contact Mike, their "bro".. and they don't. because it takes too much effort to find a new way to communicate.
him deleting his facebook was such a good idea, for many different reasons.
and i believe this has showed him that they will only contact him when it's easy for them. and if that's gone, then who cares?
it's just. so sad.
but, them thinking i'm filling his head with bullshit. is such a lie. he has two eyes, he can see for himself who cares and who doesn't. constant friends, and convienient friends. and they all expect Mike to come walkin into town and things be the same.
they're dead, wrong. 

everything i have done, has had a reason. and i am no longer ashamed. they were done for my family, with my family in mind. there is nothing selfish about my choices. and nothing will be the same when he gets back. 
and somehow, I'm no longer too worried about him gettin mixed up in the wrong crowd anymore.
because just like they don't care about him, or ask about him, or find a way to talk to him...
he feels the same way.

those old days.
are dead.
the old Mike.
is dead.
"our" old friends.
are dead to us.
the past is the past. i need to learn to let it lie.

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