Monday, July 18, 2011

Day 110; AHA!

Day 110; Operation Deployment.

my biggest fear in this Deployment, above all others.
is that Michael will come home and i will feel like, i no longer need him in my life.
after doing EVERYTHING on my own. 
and honestly, have been doing better financially and everything else, since he left.

before he left, we were living paycheck to paycheck. we have a matter of two bills.
phone and cable/internet.
the end of the month, car insurance is suppose to come out.
along with Mikes old bike debt.
and somehow, we would have 10 dollars to last us a week, you know. the moments that make you sweat? yeah. we did that far too often.
and the shitty thing is, we got paid more then.
since he's been saving out in Afghanistan, the paychecks are cut short. and i have no problem with that. but i still live comfortably.
once paid, i get everything taken care of the first few days, save some in our savings, save some in cash, and still have a good $100 or so left for next check.
this is with diapers, and now baby food because WIC doesn't cover it yet.
i have been paying bills right when i get them, and getting things done far before they're due to be done.

when we get paid i fill up the truck that lasts me until next pay period, and even then I'm not low. i go out to Walmart for care packages items and baby things. i usually go to the Commissary a week later and spend 100 or so on food. as i said, i pay tmobile and time warner right when i get it. and his debt and insurance comes out of the check itself so i don't have to worry about it. 
tonight again, i was blindsided by something he failed to take care of and/or mention to me. and it boils my blood.

before he left, i asked him to get taken care of, a lot of things. he only accomplished one of those and that was to stock up on things so i didn't have to go out right after Ryder was born. i swear, the toilet paper we got will last WELL after he gets back, haha.
the dogs only got the minmum shots, and that was only because they got out and someone called Animal Control because my hyperactive dog was "too skinny"
so they had us take them to the vet. neither one of them was fixed, hence why I'm sure, before Holly got out, she was pregnant.  and also plays a huge role in Indys hyper factor. i still worry about him, i know he needs a better checkup. however, i can not handle a baby and Indy. and, I'm still on my own.
i had to wrestle with him for MOL and MyPay passwords, when i needed a copy of his LES for WIC. we almost got kicked off WIC because of it, but they gave me another 30 day extension.
he didn't tell me that i would have to renew his motorcycle insurance, which i'm sure i should have known. but i have taken care of the plates, and the insurance already and they're not due until the end of August. so he could come home and not have to worry.
he called to make me the primary on the T Mobile account, and i guess the guy never set it, so now there isn't anything i can do about my phone that no longer works. i had been telling him he needed to make sure and do it sooner than a day before he left. but he didn't until he had to, to suspend his line until he got back.
oh, I'm sure there's more.
but i have dealt with it all. i can not begin to express the stress i have dealt with in the last almost 4 months. i swear i feel like a 40 year old. but i have dealt with it all, and it's made me realize, i wear the pants now. and i will control everything so that i am no longer in the dark, or blindsided by things.

fact; he set me up for failure when he left.
when i asked him to make it easier, he made it harder.
fact; that's just made me stronger.
add in a little resentment.
makes for one strong ass woman.

just another thing to knock me down. but i ain't lettin it completely get to me. and i am doing fine just Ryder and i. 

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