Thursday, July 21, 2011

Day 112; love through another eyes.

Day 112; Operation Deployment.

you know, i never knew this feeling, the one that i have had the past two days.
i put myself through March of 2010 again, i relived it. i re read every text message, and i cried myself to sleep. because it still hurts, i think, in a way, it always will. no matter what Michael tells me, i think we both know the truth on some of what happened. i haven't let go, i may never forgive him for many things in those ten days.
but oddly, sitting here... it no longer matters at all.
if he emailed me, called me, wrote me a letter explaining every detail to me, i would read it, and my heart would break. if he told me, he had slept with those girls on our little break up, i would. be so disappointed. however, i can honestly say, that it wouldn't affect us at all. it would not make me hate him. it wouldn't make me look at him differently. i wouldn't cause a fight over it. when we were done talking, and i knew the whole story, i would spill my heart out in millions of tears. and i would never bring it up again. the past is the past and i have a big issue allowing it to stay there. it's hard to get over something when you don't know all the pieces, when you've been guessing for over a year. and no, it no longer matters.
but since i re read those texts, and cried, and then woke up. i swear, the craziest thing happened.

i began to love him even more.

i am amazed how how much i have grown up in the last year of my life. and maybe our son has done that to me. but i can never, and will never be the same.
i love my husband, for everything he has done for me, good and bad.
each mistakes made us stronger in the end.
whatever happened in those ten days of emergency leave, mean nothing to what we have now. if he did what everyone says he did, what does it matter? he doesn't talk to either one of them, hell, he doesn't talk to anyone but us anymore.
i've wondered what would have happened had i not got on that plane.
and you know what?
i can almost guarantee, that the next time he came to Indiana, which would not have been much longer after. he would have rode to my house, got down on his knees, and apologized to me whole heartedly. in the end.. we are exactly where we should have been.
married, with our beautiful boy.
regardless of how it happened, or maybe should have happened. it did, and i regret nothing.

looking at Ryder everyday, and going through this Deployment.
god, i don't know.
it's changed every part of me.
i have grown more patient, i have loved deeper than i ever though possible, i think of myself as a super wife and mommy. i no longer take everything, or anything, for granted. i have learned, why complain when you can't change anything? just survive until you can. i no longer worry about anything in my marriage, or going to Indiana. because for once, i know it will go as needed to be. i stopped giving a shit about other people and if i don't want them in mine or my sons life, including some family members, they won't be. i can make that happen and i show no remorse. because i run this shit now.

my mom told me the other day, she is shocked by all my actions, and how i handle things. she knew me in my darker days, and that i had the quickest temper, the dirtiest mouth, no patience at all, i threw fits nonstop.
and now... none of that happens.

as much as this Deployment sucks, i am proud at how i am not letting it kick my ass, instead, i am kicking ITS ass, all 7 months. i do believe that... it happened at the best time and it helped Michael and i as a couple, and me as an individual. and, him as well I'm sure. it's sad to say, but if i had one wish for my future daughter, i would want her, to have to be a mom on her own like i have been. you get such a sense of self worth, you learn to rely on no one but yourself, you don't take things for granted, you gain a sense of pride. it builds your self confidence and the littlest things make you so proud.
Ryder wasn't feeling well today due to his shots yesterday. he was throwing a fit and i could hear in his cry that he wasn't feeling well. i held him. i rocked him, i sang to him, i kissed him a million times and he calmed down. and he fell asleep. and i just, continued to hold him and stare at him.
one little thing, calming a screaming baby, YOUR, screaming baby.
is worth, every hard time you have ever gone through.

Michael really is my best friend. in the letter i got earlier this week he told me that, i never had to worry about him hurting me again. that being so far away has shown him who and what is most important, and that is, and always will be, Ryder. and i. he too, has grown up tremendously, even since he left. watching him, and our son grow... truely is the most amazing thing i have ever experienced. and i love them both so, so much.
mistakes, fights, hurt and tears, miles apart.
screaming, crying, temper tantrums, poopie diapers, and all.
these boys are my entire world.
our life, right now. this very moment.
is exactly where it needs to be. should be. was meant to be.


and, for all you creepers i have blocked from my facebook.
here's a few photos of our son.
i'll add more when my laptop is up and running.

Michael Ryder is now 10 lbs and 6 ounces.
and is 23.5 inches long.
he is in the lower percentile of his age.
tiny like mommy and daddy.
yes, he still has red hair, after the Patersons.
and yes, that is a tattoo that has my husband signature on my arm.
Ryder now rolls over from front to back [when he wants to.]
blows spit bubbles, makes farting noises. [he's oh so talented.]
he loves hims baby naners, and bubble baths with mommy.
he sleep through the night from between 10-11 PM to 7-8 AM.
he loves his super teddy blankie, and he can't fall asleep unless it's over his head.
he still has to have that annoying giant green binky.
he giggles, is starting to laugh out loud. and sounds like he's trying to start "talking"
he scootches every so often.
he grabs your thumbs and tries to pull himself up into a sitting position.
he grabs things. mainly, mommys hair and necklace.
he would rather watch SVU than cartoons. and i think he has a small crush on Selena Gomez.
and the icing on the cake!
he gets to meet his Mimi and Pops in...

everyday, i love hims more, and more!

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