Friday, October 7, 2011

day 189; silly little pipe dream.

day 189; operation deployment.

when i think back to two years ago, i never would imagine sitting here, right now, my son three feet away, sound asleep, married, on the opposite side of the country. with the man i swore i'd marry yet, he couldn't have a family of his own further from his mind.
finally; somewhere i belong. 
i had spent 20 years just trying to survive, make a name for myself.
 and i never mattered, to anyone.
i was this, invisible broken little piece of glass. 
i tried so hard, for so many years. to try to get approval of people that never should have mattered in the first place. i made myself be who i thought they wanted me to be. and it turns out, i was just wasting time.
i spent 20 years following footsteps, walking in shadows.
their shadows, never really were big enough for me.

michael and our son, is the only thing i have never had to share with anyone. michael loves me for everything that i am. ryder loves me for everything that i am not. just being alive, being me, has always been good enough. people look at us, and see how we rushed things. how fast we fell in love. and this deployment has really opened my eyes to why.
we were two small beings in the world, with nothing but ourselves.
we were never good enough in anyone else's eyes but each others.
we were pushed around, knocked down, and struggled to survive.
and then we found each other and suddenly, everything just fit.
we didn't have to try anymore.
thats the one amazing thing about the two of us and our relationship.
we didn't have to try to fall in love with each other. we didn't have to know every little piece of the others heart. because i was his missing piece, he, was mine.

i never fit in. i tried to hard to find a place in this world and i never found it. i wasnt smart like my sister, i wasnt this amazing athlete like my brother. the only "odd" i rose above that no one thought i was, was not getting pregnant in high school. nothing i wanted to do met anyone else's standards. i was that tempermental teenage promiscuous girl, that looked in all the wrong people for love. my brother so carelessly, without a thought or care in the world, threw me from his life and hasn't talked to me in over 3 and a half years now. i clung so close to my sister, but she was never really there at all. i wrote her such a heartfelt letter a few weeks ago and i know she received it. but she didn't even let me know she got it, or appreciated it. after over a year, i begged her to add me to facebook so she could be connected to her only nephew.
and tonight, i deleted her.
i felt the pieces of my heart break. but i finally let her go too.

its hard, growing up in a world where you don't belong in. that everyone who has a face makes you believe you're not even good enough to breathe. people that taunt you, make fun of you, make you feel worthless. year after year, you're a doormat. and you just let them. there comes a time where you put a stop to it, hold your chin up.
and stop giving a fuck.

the day i met mike, i was already done with men. i didn't bother getting very pretty, i was just my usual self. i had on jeans and gym shoes as he asked. i was wearing a giant black helmet for god's sake. i stuffed my face with nachos and i shared secrets with him i never told anyone else. and he liked me anyway. the first time i spent the night with him, he kissed my morning breath and wanted to shower together. he saw my messed up frizzy hair, he saw my messy house. he never once, judged me. i didn't have to fit a mld for him to fall in love with me. i was just me, and finally, i belonged.
he's the only ting that has ever really been, just mine.
him and ryder are the only things i have ever been really good at.
amazing how two broken pieces of this world.
come together and form the best thing i have ever know.
and grown to love.

i love you, silly little pipe dream.
thank you for being mine.

1 comment:

  1. I do admit that I always wondered why yall moved so fast. Reading this opened my eyes and it makes perfect sense now! I feel like I should apologize to you and I don't know why.

    I'm glad you finally was able to find your place in this world :) You definitely deserve to have your happy little family!