Saturday, October 22, 2011

day 205; my heart is broken.

day 205; operation deployment.

i do not think my soul and heart can bear to lose one more person i have ever loved in my life.
i was 13 when my aunt beth died.
not too long after, the father figure i had set for myself, dan meanovich, was killed by a train.
we lost greg sanders to the war in iraq, so shortly after he went over there.
then i lost joey to suicide. which was the hardest thing to get through.
greg and joey were my brothers best friends. i was around them often at track and cross country meets.
i looked up to them so much. 
a friend i sat next to in study hall and bullshitted with, didn't show up to school one day my sophomore year. he blew his brains out the night before.
one of my closest friends in elementary school, in 5th grade, was hit by a train my junior year. we hadnt talked since middle school, but it still affected me greatly.
my grammy passed away right after my 18th birthday. i have yet to actually grieve my loss, i have been so strong for my mom, i was all my mom had left. i remember everything about that week in the hospital, she fills my life every single day, and i know she is forever watching over my family and i.
my baby cousin bryce died, a few years later.
when i was with billy, everything about me died, even though my heart was still beating.  and in losing myself, i lost a life that didn't even begin.
when i moved out to california, my papa passed away.
during this deployment, a friend of mikes that he went through boot camp with, was killed in action.
a girl near my old hometown was murdered.
and now.
i loved sam, most of my life. he was such an amazing person, so bright and outgoing. with the perfect sense of humor.
he was a corpsman stationed at lejuene. him and i started talking again when mike and i were going through our rough patch. we wanted to see each other when i went to jacksonville but our schedules didn't really work out. i could have chosen sam, over mike. he was my long term crush growing up. and i honestly wondered, if i should be with him over mike. finally, i had my chance. and i passed it up.
sam and i stopped talking mainly because of mike. i was married and had moved out to california, and we just kind of faded from one another, but i still thought about him from time to time.
sam, died in a car accident this morning in tennessee.
i haven't been able to pull myself together after hearing the news. here i am, sitting, awaiting my husbands return, and such a big part of me died this morning.

growing up, i was so afraid to love anyone, to care about anyone. i pushed everyone away because i was just afraid that they would end up leaving me. my heart was shattered after each and every loss. my grammy, hit me the hardest. i was at the age where i could understand what was happening, being in the room, watching everything. and i became my mothers rock. watching my mother fall apart after losing her sister, her mom, then her dad. i hate being 2,200 miles away. just a voice over the phone. but i can see now, that out of everyone. my mom and i are closest. i love my mom, she's my best friend and i can not imagine my life without her. and i get scared, all the time. she doesn't take care of herself, she's depressed often, she chain smokes, and isn't in the best of health. i have to constantly push away the feeling of pushing her away because i know one day, i won't be able to handle her being gone. she is the one person i lean on the most, and i will not be able to live without her. i have done my best to kick the thoughts of pushing my loved ones away.
but today, that feeling came back.
and i have no idea what i have to do anymore to remove those thoughts from my head.
if you don't love anyone, or care about anyone, if you have just yourself.
when some leaves you, or dies... how can you be hurt?

i look down at my son, my beautiful, six month old baby. whom i fall in love with every single day, over and over again. i can't imagine not loving him, or his daddy. but some nights, i stare at him and i wonder, what would happen if he just, stopped breathing? what if, six years from now, something happens to him and i lose him too? i think, what if mike just, doesn't make it back? or if he does, what if he gets into a motorcycle accident and he leaves me too? everyone i love leaves me, or dies.
and it scares the living piss out of me.

i can not live like this.
but i can not stomach the thought of losing anyone else. people my age, are dying, left and right. kids i grew up with, played on the playground with. their parents knew my parents, we had the same friends, grew up in the same neighborhood. what is the reasoning behind all this?
and who's next?

rest easy bud,
i miss you already.
i miss texting and talking shit about the marine corps. and how you'd text me way too early in the morning because of the time difference.
and i will never, ever, forget that hour long late night phone call.
i took everything for granted and now i can never get it back.
you'll always be a hero of mine.
please, watch over mike for me. <3

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