Monday, October 10, 2011

day 193; two schlubs in love.

day 193; operation deployment.

as deployment comes to a close i am mixed and filled with a bajillion different emotions. and it's funny how my best friend lindsay can bring that out of me in the middle of the night. talking to her made me realize so much, as it does every time we talk. which is why we're soulmates.
if someone asked me the craziest thing i have ever done in my life. 
i'd roll my eyes and look at my husband.
and i would stare at him, glare at him, then smile.
michael patrick nelson.
does that answer your question?
i fell in love with this immature crazy ass kid that owned a motorcycle, carried around a skateboard, didn't have a job, drank too much, cared very little about important things. never wanted to get married, never wanted to have kids. wasn't really looking for love.
and i married him.
boy, was i a dumbass. <3

oh, michael. that sweet smile whenever i walked into a room, that goofy ass grin and giggle. blushing whenever he said he loved me in front of his friends. that crazy kid that drove me 160 MPH on his bike, without helmets, down a highway at night. he wasn't what i wanted. and for awhile i didn't know why i stuck around. 
and i look to the right of me. at this tiny sleeping boy.
with blonde hair and blue eyes matching his daddys.
and i know, it was all worth it.

i barely knew that boy when i married him. 
in all reality i had seen him face to face for 3 months.
ten day boot leave.
three out of ten days of emergency leave.
and one weekend.
the next time i saw him, i became his wife.
what little i did know about him, i didn't really like. we were complete opposites. i was podunk to his rap and metal. i would rather stay in bed all day and read a book, to his street racing and skateboarding. i cared about my career, he cared about having fun. his friends always got in the way. we didn't want the same things out of life. i wanted to settle down while he stayed carefree. we had different goals, hopes, and dreams. and somehow, in the mix of it all, we stopped caring about all of that.
mike and i fell in love quickly. that's who i was, i got too attatched, too fast, fell too hard, all the time. him, well, i don't know why he fell in love with me too fast.
we have made a lot of stupid mistakes.
and honestly, people still talk about my "forcing" him to have a baby. but that first pregnancy oops really changed our entire relationship right from the start. people can sit here and think it was all me. but i remember mike, getting excited toward the time we would find out, him whispering in my ear that i better eat, because i might be eating for two. the way he would eye my belly and make a pretend bump when he was behind me, with his arms. i knew there was something about him when all that happened and from the second it was over, he stepped up. he told jon no, that i wasn't going to get the morning after pill, he was just going to see where all this went instead. and that's why we just didn't prevent anything from happening after that. him and i risked everything the second week we were dating... we risked our entire lives together. and look where we are now.
in all honesty, i still don't know much about my husband.
and i am very much looking forward to getting to know him in a few weeks. him, as a brand new person. and him as a first time daddy. 
he has decided that he wants to TTC right when he gets back for a few months, and we would worry about next years deployment in a few months and see where things take us.
it won't be easy if i have to go through another deployment with a year and a half year old and a few month old. but there is nothing that i want more than to expend our family more and more. i left that choice up to him. it's been tossed around all deployment, so, here goes.

michael and i havent always gotten along. we have had some really difficult battles. we have both given up quite a few things on each our ends, to make things meet in the middle. at the beginning of this deployment, i honestly didn't see us making it any farther than halfway before i got fed up and went back to indiana. he saw how done i was, and started to realize he shouldnt have done a lot of the things he had recently done and all it took was ryder... seeing ryder for the first time on skype. for him to step up and change. he hasn't slipped up in months, he has been making all sorts of good choices for us and our family. he usually thinks before he speaks now, and he has grown up, so, so much. and i couldnt be more happy with the man that he has become. i'm no longer AS nervous about our marriage and family as i was before. so that helps these last few ticking weeks to go a little more smooth. 

since meeting mike and moving away, i had to grow up myself. i couldnt run to my mommy anymore. i couldnt ask her for money or financial help. she was a phone call away, but only sometimes because our schedules conflicted. i was on my own, with a new husband, and a baby in my belly. i had to learn to cook, clean, shit, even do laundry. i wasn't that spoiled little mommys girl anymore. i was thrown head first into life. i had to learn to be a wife and a mom, basically, on my own. we struggled, we went through some hard times. this deployment has royally fucked my asshole. and it has been anything but easy. but i grew up too.
i realize now who and what is important.
i don't tolerate people, whatsoever. turns out i'm also not much of a people person.
i know right from wrong, i know what i should and shouldnt mess with.
i learned how to care for a baby all on my own! changing a diaper was easy, juggling it all on a few hours of sleep wasnt so much. i dealt with some colic, acid reflux, a baby that couldnt keep ANY food down and wasnt gaining anything. i learned how to get to doctors appointments on time, how to pack a diaper bag, i learned how to be responsible and not forget anything. i had to care for a whole new person that can't talk and tell me anything.
i know how to handle life a million times better now. all because i uprooted myself and left an easy life.  and i have grown up to be such an amazing woman, wife, and mother, because of that.

i don't ask people to understand.
people will always have their opinions.
that i married him for the money.
military doesn't pay shit.
that i married him to get out of my moms house.
...i miss my mom.
she's my best friend and has been for years and it's killing inside and out to be away from her. 
because i married him for all he has?
lmao. he was unemployed. i worked my ass off. i would have been downgrading myself if i left all that for that reason. come on people, lets be serious here.
love makes you do bass ackwards things.

we rushed into things.
over 2 years later we're still together.
we're making it work, day by day.
because our love is strong enough to do so.
that's all i have to say about that.

i have fallen in love with him all over again.

yes, i met my husband and fell into that little thing called puppy love.
i married a man i barely knew.
i left the only life i have ever known and moved across the country.
i got pregnant.
i had our son on my own during an Afghanistan Deployment.
i struggled, for six and a half months.
when my husband walks off that bus, in all reality, it will be like the first time we met... and we will have to get to know each other for the first time.
call my crazy.
but all this is the best thing to ever happen to me.



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