Thursday, October 13, 2011

day 196; deployment changes everything

day 196; operation deployment.

six months ago.
i sat here, before this blogger website.
i wanted to leave my husband. i was tired and fed up with everything he had put me through. how much he had let others put me through. i felt nothing for the man who was the father of my son. i wouldn't allow myself to feel anything. i had been wronged one last time. and i was ready to walk away. something kept telling me to give it one more chance. i didn't want to. i couldn't. after being ripped apart time, and time, and time again. i wasn't going to let this happen to my son.
our son.
the slab of glue that held us together.
ryder was all we were both clinging to. 
on opposite ends of the world, i fell out of love with the man that i married. the man that i barely knew. i was pissed. i was stuck in a city i barely knew, alone, away from my mom. and i gave birth by myself. i was in a situation i didn't believe i could handle and i struggled. i absolutely struggled for over half of this deployment. i was pissed that i wasn't appreciated, that i was still getting walked on by people that i shouldn't. i was hurt. i was feeling pain from over a year ago, pain that had never been fixed. that it was just let go to linger inside of me.  i had nothing left...

somewhere during the time that i was giving up.
something inside of the man i married, began to change.

sitting alone out there in a desert country, on a bed not his own, in the boots that were not home. he closed his eyes and though of the wife that waited all alone.
he thought of the infant that not know his face. a man that loved him, from a far off place. a little boy that shared his name. his being away was the Marine Corps blame.
emails and pictures were sent, heartfelt letters were written. when i read them, i couldn't help but feel smitten. my head and my heart played a game of tug of war. but he showed me the man i use to adore. 
as time started to pass, huge changes were being made. little did i know, our marriage was being saved. something inside that man began to realize. with me and our son was where his future lies.
as we watched our baby grow, i watched my husband too. having a son, he now knew what he had to do. he wanted anything to have Ryder see, that he was safe with his daddy and me. he wanted to make sure, by the time he got home. that his little boy knew, he was never alone. he wanted nothing more than to make his family whole, patch things up with the wife, that was his goal. 
time passed too slowly, on his countdown to home. to hold his wife and son, who waited patiently alone. minutes like hours, hours like days. he hated every second that he was away. the moment he steps off that bus, his new life begins.
he's gonna make his wife fall in love again. <3

sitting here ow, i can't imagine myself anywhere but here. the changes i have seen in michael will never cease to amaze me. i honestly don't think a man can ever change as much as he has. i have watched him grow up in the last six months. i honestly don't think he was much of an adult before he left. he has a great head on his shoulders, he thinks for ryder and i before himself. he lives for his little boy, and it's the most amazing feeling. hearing him talk about his son gives me butterflies. our perfect little gift. i am happier than i have ever been in a relationship. i finally, truely, feel respected. at this moment i am not worried about any other girl getting in the way, as i have been in the past. i am attempted to keep the past where it belongs, but it does creep up on me sometimes. i am at the point of finally being able to move past what he has done. and lack thereof. i have come to the understanding that marriages really are hard work. love isn't enough to hold everything together at most points in time. but i am too young and beautiful to be hurt as i was. i have every bone in my body crossed that things stay this wonderful when he gets home. for awhile i thought it would just go back to how it was, but now i have more hope that it will stay good. his family is currently out of our lives until they can learn to respect me as his wife, as ryders mother, and prove to me that they can change too. michael has chosen not to talk to them for quite some time. he will no longer be speaking to his old "friends" in indiana, as they are still saying terrible, terrible things about me. nor have they been there for mike whatsoever, or cared to know anything about his son. i refuse to let any single one of them back into our lives. tough titties. i gave up my old life, he has no problem giving up people for our marriage. it is, what it is.

i am honestly glad that i stayed. i knew i couldn't keep my boys from each other, i just figured i would "settle" like my mom and my sister did, and give up my chance at happiness for the sake of our son. i am very glad now that i no longer have to do that. i can't believe the "men never change" rule anymore, because men that honest to god want to make things work, they change. oh, do they. someone asked me if i felt he tried so hard because he didn't want to lose his son, and honestly. i think he would have tried just as hard if it was just me.  hard to fucking believe. but someone actually wants to spend forever with me...
gosh, i love that man.

i always look at our old pictures and i always wonder how we got from there to here. we were two just goofy ass kids without a care in the world. we broke ALL the rules, we viewed life so differently. this kid that only listened to rap, went too fast on a motorcycle, didn't want a wife or kid weighing him down. has turned into this... family man. who wants to come home and knock me up already, and have five babies, even if that means he has to work forever. a man that cared what his friends thought, all the time. and was too nice when they hurt me. he carelessly threw them away. now, do i honestly believe he sees things the way i did and do with everything that has happened? that we agree on why these people are bad for us? or just how badly they hurt me? no. i'm not so sure on that. regardless, it doesn't much matter as to the why, but to the whats happened now. 

i remember one time, him and i, and his friend went to the beach. we had just started dating maybe, three weeks prior. we spent the night at ryans house, where the night before he pinky promised and sealed with a kiss that we would be together forever. like we were.. twelve. we drove to the beach and were there maybe, a whole twenty minutes. it started raining. we sprinted back to his car, getting soaked. and when we got in, we looked at each other and just couldnt stop laughing. we both looked a hot mess, my hair everywhere and frizzy. and he looked at me. and he said that i was beautiful. and he kissed me. that rain soaked kiss. i remember all of it. forever.

michael patrick.
do you remember when i was sitting on the edge of the bowl at whiting skate park?
i was wearing my favorite jeans and my white indiana hoodie. (what ever happened to that anyway?)
with my skater shoes with our matching lace dangling over the edge?
you were standing next to me, holding your skateboard between your fingertips like always?
i looked up at you.
you smiled at me.
i told you, "you're falling."
you replied, "so what if i am."
i said, if you were, you would kiss me.
you know what you did?

that's right. you got got on one knee, right there.
and you kissed me. 


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