Monday, October 17, 2011

day 199; all i need.

day 199; operation deployment.

last night on the phone, my mom and i laughed until we cried. how i was a sad excuse for a woman, and it was just like old times. i miss my mom. being here and doing this all on my own, has made me realize how like my mother i am. we are strong, brave, women. nothing for us is easy, and that gives us courage. this deployment has brought us so much closer, i don't know what i would do if i couldnt talk to her every day, laugh with her, make stupid jokes with her, talk about life, and love, our dreams and happiness. more and more everyday i hate that i am 2,200 miles apart from her. she is the one person i lean on the most and it scares me to think that one day i will have to live without her. sitting here, right now, i honestly do not think that is possible.

i have learned so much in the last 6 and a half months without my husband.
i learned how to be independent, and not scared of the things i use to. i use to not be able to sleep at all, when i was alone in a house. i hated the dark, i couldn't go outside at night time because i was convinced someone was going to get me. i survived a city power outage, where the entire city was black, i have survived thunderstorms, which i use to hate too. i adapted to life as i knew i would have to live it and i overcame every obstacle i never thought that i could.

i learned how to be a mom. before having ry, i didn't have much experience with babies. my niece and nephew were born when i was 16 and all i thought about was the army, boys, and gymnastics. i spent some time with them, but never by myself. and from the moment we came home from the hospital, i was alone. i had no guide to help me, no one to pass ryder off to when i needed sleep, or to shower, or to eat. i was completely by myself. i knew how to change a diaper, but that was all i knew how to do. i have fixed belly aches, tummy problems, sleepless nights, now, a runny nose. i have soothed night terrors, learned how to pack a diaper bag, i have YET to be peed on, or pooped on. however, puke and i were close the first few months, lol. i learned my son. i know what makes him smile, what makes him giggle, his tickle spots, his "sweet spots"... i know how to calm him down when he's mad, when hes upset, and when he's sleepy. i know his favorite toys, and how he feels usually before he feels it. i know the tricks to feeding him, and rocking him to sleep. i have taught him how to blow spit bubbles, to sit up, now attempting to crawl, though he's still stuck on pushups. i am an amazing mommy, to ryder, and our next four. :)

i have learned to be, a wife. i have stopped thinking only what i feel is best for me, but also michael and our family. here and now, as well as in the long run. i have shopped for care packages, figured out what he used out of them and what he didn't. i knew just want to send to pull at his heart strings, and what would make him feel better. i knew just how to make him smile. i did my best to bring my two boys closer, from a million miles apart. i was a good wife. while i sat around and watched other wives cheat, steal their husbands money, randomly move houses, go out and party all the time, hang out with other guys, i learned to respect my husband and not worry him by doing such things. i have learned to choose my battles wisely, some things just should not be brought up again. i have learned to attempt to let the past go, though i am not over most of the things he has done, i try not to bring it up, and push them from my mind. i have learned what time michael gets online, or when he would call. and i have proudly, only missed one phone call all deployment, and that was due to my cell phone malfunction. i have evaluated, and re evaluated our marriage, and sorted everything out in my own head, i have learned to talk things through and compromise, rather than demand my own way. i now enjoy being a wife instead of constantly think that i gave up my old life just to settle for this one.

i think i havent been happy a lot of this deployment, and i have felt like i wasn't living my own life. because i havent been. i'm a mommy and a wife and i havent really been able to do both at the same time yet, without michael here. i'm a far away wife, and a mommy here. i know once mike is back, things will be how i want them to be. i enjoy both duties. i will have to be on schedule and keep them going. pack his lunch, get things he needs, i won't be able to sleep all day just because, i'll have things i need to get done before mike gets home. i can't wait to try for baby number two, i live for being a mommy. the thought of being a soccer mom, driving Ryder to soccer practice, Lyvia to dance, wake up before everyone and pack 6 different lunches, then rush to the kids school because Jayce, again, forgot his homework on the kitchen table. i want to rush and make breakfast, go knock on Elyzibeth's door for a 4th time because she likes to sleep in late. i want to trip over baby Bentley's toys all over the living room that i just cleaned up the night before. i want to yell at mike for tracking mud in the house from the stables because he insists on wearing his street shoes to muck the stalls. the lazy sundays sitting on the back porch while the kids play tag, and chase after the dogs, mike and i sipping ice tea laughing at old times. or midnight horseback riding when the kids are in bed, falling in love again, over and over and over. i want to be that mom that takes too many pictures on the first day of school and cry when they get on the bus. i want to be alone, while all my kids are in school, and wish that they were there. i want to have thirty million loads of laundry to fold, 7 sets of plates and glasses to wash, a farm full of animals to feed. and finally getting my quiet time to read a book, look at the clock, and realize i have 15 minutes until the craziness begins again. those are the moments i live for, the future i hope for. the crazy beautiful life... that michael and i create.


because my handsome husband and our beautiful children and of course my mommy, are all i need in life. everyone else... just is no longer important.
thank you deployment.
for teaching me so, incredibly much!
i have never seen my life so clearly, or wanted anything else, ever so much, in my entire life.

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