Sunday, September 18, 2011

day 169; ended battle.

day 169; operation deployment.

the battle with my mother in law, is over.
she emailed me last weekend and i had an email typed out and i just, deleted it. i had given her until last sunday to contact me back after over a month. sunday evening she finally emailed me back trying to justify herself, and telling me she wanted another chance for ryder. figuring she wouldnt email back, i had already cut emotional ties. it just wasnt right or fair of her to come and go and do as she pleases. not to me, i dont even care. but ryder. i dont want her to be a grandparent when she wants to. and him growing up wondering why she doesnt care much about him. i told michael about my decision and he understood and supported it. i was really peeved at how, in her email, she claimed to know what i was going through. that even made mike angry, because she doesn't have a clue. yes, she got divorced, mike was six. the first few years, she had troy, no matter how little he seemed to be around. she also lived a mile from her own mom. and though yes, she raised the kids by herself, if she needed a break she had that option. i have been doing it completely and solely on my own. i havent been away from ryder for more than an hour in 5 months. i do not have my mom, i do not have my husband.
how is this the same!?
she texted me later in the week asking how ryder and i were doing. i really had nothing to say. it had bugged me that i chose not to respond back to her email, and now her text message. i was actually beating myself up because of it. regardless of my dislike for this woman, i do have a heart. and it had been a struggle on what i should do. and then today, one of her friends adds me to facebook. i'm not friends with trish on there, and our named aren't searchable because theyre one, so how did she find us, if it wasnt because of trish? and why would i add someone i had never met? why would they even think this stuff was okay!? someone must think i'm stupid. the last thing i wanted was to cause issues between my husband and i over her. so finally, i broke down and talked to him about it.
he told me not to even worry or bother with her until he got home. that she causes me more stress than i need right now. and even he doesnt really care about the situation. sadly, this deployment has showed him who and what is really important. good for ryder and i, bad for everyone else.  he sees where i am coming from with all of this. and he shared with me some info that didn't really settle with me about her from his childhood. i just, can not get passed any of it. i have tried so hard.
i cant forgive her for literally screaming in my face for one minor mistake when it came to indy and him being a puppy right before mike left.
i cant forgive her for putting everything i had in mikes room in a box after the left for bootcamp, threatening to call the cops if i didn't give the keys mike had given me back to her.
i cant forgive her for telling us indy could stay at her house while mike was gone so long as i took him to the vet, and bought everything he needed, and didnt even give me that chance to do so. 
i can't forgive her for constantly making things awkward for both mike and i.
or forgive her for causing so much drama between us and keeping me away from him the one time he needed me the most.
i can't forgive her for coming at me, thinking us getting married and not telling anyone was MY fault.
and i won't forgive her for calling me an immature bitch and blaming me for taking mike away from the ones that really cared about him.
i can't forgive her for when she was here, and the drama before she was here, and her saying she was staying in a hotel and didn't. 
she always tried to get mike t be on her side and of course that would cause problems between the two of us.
and i can not, will not, and never will forget. the lack of giving a damn when it came to mike and this deployment. for not emailing him more, encouraging him more, boosting his spirits. for not sending him an actual card on his birthday, or sending just him something special. instead of making up excuses and complaining about everything in her life. i can never forget her for mikes childhood, and the way he feels now because of it, or the way she treats him. 
i always said that everyone deserves a second chance and i gave her one when ryder was born. i had told myself that when mike left, that was it. i wouldnt talk to her until she got back. i wouldnt even tell her that ryder was born. but i did the right thing. where did it get me? really, nowhere. so, i'm done.i have tried for so long and have gotten nowhere. i will never be good enough for mike to anyone but mike himself, and my family. mikes real family.

everytime ryder smiles, i know i have to protect him. when i hear his cry or see his lip quiver, i know that i can never let anyone hurt him. what if she does to ryder, what she has done to us? i never want to see my baby hurt. i love him too much. i never want his feelings to get hurt, or to be yelled at. or to wonder why daddys mommy never calls. i have to protect them. both of them, my beautiful boys. 
the first moment i held ryder, i promised him that i would protect him for the rest of his life.
what kind of mother would i be, if i lied?
oh, right....

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