Thursday, September 8, 2011

day 160; all nighterrrr.

day 160; operation deployment.

ah, the prepping for homecoming!

first. yesterday was my first therapy sesh.
in a whole 45 minutes, i was diagnosed with ptsd. 
and mild anxiety and insomnia.
im not sure what it was that i was expecting, but i dont really think that was it. they focused mainly on billy, and though thats more or less the main thing, theres also littler areas that seemed to be ignored. they tapped into my family history like, if my mother and father loved me. when they asked me why i stayed with billy i said, i didnt want to move home, i wanted to feel loved. so they took that as, my mother didn't love me. she didn't really seem to understand any word that came from my mouth. she transferred me to a ptsd counselor, and i need to call and make another appointment. and i'm not sure i will do that. i knew i had to start somewhere. to help my life, my depression, to let go of the past, and stop looking over my shoulder. and i don't really think counseling is the thing that i need. i need my husband home, he's my protector, the one that makes the past better. ::shrugs:: i gave it a shot, and i may try again, but i'm not sure it's really going to do anything. 
updates another day.

monique watched ryder for my appointment and i went to the library. it felt nice to even get an hour and a half away from him, but i sure did miss him. im ready for mike to be home and share the load. its getting harder to carry so much stuff, plus a carseat, anywhere i go. but i knew he was in good hands.

we decided to pull an all nighter and make homecoming banners for the guys. she leaves in a few days for a week to visit marlena in oklahoma, and then is back for a week and then off to LA, [which, if anyone is willing to dogsit for me for a few days, i would greatly appreciate it!!!!!!] so that i could go with her as our last little get away before the guys get home. it was funny how much we were killing ourselves over these damn signs. we have basically had them planned out all Deployment, when we sat down to do them, we didn't like them anymore. we are so slacking, at least we finally got our last care packages out! so we spent over an hour planning them out and then we got to work. my goodness, i'm not even halfway down with ONE sign. we were exhausted and giggly, and ended up painting her kitchen floor. haha. we were listening to music to keep us awake, and making random jokes. she pulled me outside right before we crashed to see a beautiful sunrise.
everything is changing.

we met back in september. we all went to the water park together and really, we all hit it off right then and there. we hung out quite a bit before the guys left, but nothing like this. we knew each other, but we didn't really know why each other did things, or how we ran things. and we really didn't until that bad day when i thought that ending the friendship, might be better for me. but i was dead wrong. and as much as i can not wait to have my husband home. i'm really upset at the fact that, everything will change again. monique and i hang out almost everyday. we stay up late and eat what we want, and watch tv. we have a certain routine wherever we go, she knows how Ryder ticks, and what to do in every situation. it's going to be weird not having the other in our passenger seat. our leave dates are all scattered, and we won't be seeing much of each other once they're back. at least not at first. and that's really not okay with me. i struggle when she leaves for a week or two, it's just too. weird. i stayed the night at her house last night and it was nice. and i'm very much hoping that we all do it a time or two. it's like a whole new damn relationship when the guys get back home. when were so comfortable where we are right now. we both know they won't keep us away from one another, they can try. but might lose an arm. but its all going to be so different we're so comfortable around each other now, we share shit with each other we didn't use to.we have about a million and a half inside jokes that they guys have no idea what the fuck we're talking about. but i couldn't be more thankful for this deployment bringing us closer together. i'm sure there are going to be days where we're annoyed of one another, but that's just it. that's what family is. we ARE family. all four and a half, plus, a half of a half [soon to be i'm sure.] will be. they might only be here for another year and you better believe we're going to make it the best year possible!!
tacos? cheesburgers?

ah, my mommy and husband.
i love that, he called me on skype when i was talking to my mom, and we all acted the same ole same. it makes me smile how they act together. because my mom is really the only parent he has. well, and my daddy.
they joked around about babies, and told him he better come home and meet his sweet little baby, or she'd kick his butt. the way he smiled when they talked, melted my heart. it always does. just like, the last time they talked before he left, my mom teared up, they talked for about a half an hour. when his mom talked to him for five minutes then made an excuse to get off the phone. 
there's this song called "mirrors" by lil wayne and bruno mars. mo introduced it to me, and it breaks my heart. because i think of my husband. and how he grew up. whenever i sit and think about it all, i little part of my breaks inside, aches for him. everytime he lets me in, and shares a part of his past with me, it tears a whole into my soul. and it makes me thrive even more to show him what a real family is. what real love is. i have no doubt, i never have, that he will be the most amazing daddy to our babies. we might have had our ups and downs as husband and wife, but when it comes to ryder, and our future lyvia, jayce, elyzibeth, and... the last. lmao. i know he will do all that he can for them, with them. and never hurt them, or take that time for granted.
he told me, because of something in his past, that he doesn't even want to drink, at all. not eve a beer here and there, at all. because he grew up with it around him, and he doesn't want his children to do the same. he's so worried, over such little things. it amazes me how much has changed since this little boy came into our lives. in every way, shape, and form.
he's nothing but a family man now. <3

finally, his mom got it. after five total emails.
she IMed mike last night saying she would just see him in april or whenever we go there. i'm pretty sure it was my email that pushed it into her brain. i hate they way she talks to him. it makes me hate her even more. he apologized because his internet was messing up, that he wasn't sure if she had been sending messages. and she told him she was, but apparently they didn't go through. thats it. didnt repeat herself, nothing. which i'm sure it wasnt important. and that was the end of the conversation. she has yet to say anything to me for the last 3 emails i have sent, and one email with a few photos. i told her in this last one, she had another chance to be in Ryders life, but she had to ask about him, neither of us would offer up information. and that if she wanted to be in his life, she needed to try hard and make amends with both mike and i. i have been waiting all pregnancy and deployment for this. if she cant email me back by the end of this weekend. that's it. she doesn't need to see my son. end of story. i hate that it has to be this way but i don't want ryder growing up around people that don't ask about him, don't check up on him, and will see him once every year and a half. i know my mom will call and talk to him, she already does. he will know who Mimi is, we already try to. because she cares, she's my go to person. i can call her at 4 am scared, or worried, and she will calm me down. trish knows NOTHING about ryder, at all. when i have told her countless times. her and i will NEVER get along. i do not like her as a person, as a mother in law or mother at that. but she has a chance to start over and be a grandmother. and she has shown me that she can't even do that. i'm not a bad person. i stopped going out of my way to give her all these updates when she never asked. so, she doesn' get any. but if she sent me an email with everything she wanted to know about my kid, i would sit down and answer every question, if she asked for photos, i wouldn't send them. and i have told her this. that it isn't right to go to someone that hasn't met him yet, wanting information. that if she wanted to know, i would gladly tell her. but she doesn't. i'm so sick of her. and i am greatful we have both put our foots down to her this deployment. i know if my son put his foot down to me when it came to his family, or my sons wife told me that i had a chance to lose privledges with my grandchild [within reason of course. i have every reason here.] then i wouldn't say "fuck you" and just give up. i would try harder and be what everyone needed me to be. but then again, i'd also email my deployed son, and his wife all alone 2,200 miles away with her newborn, a helluva lot more than she does. if she doesn't act like she cares about us, especially when we all need people the most, then why should we do the same for her and allow her to intrude into our time together, in our home, when she just sat back on her ass the last 7 months and basically fell from our lives? hm, i think not.
i'm just glad i no longer have to read, "i can't wait to see you and little michael soon."
i believe hell just froze over.
might have to buy her a parka. :P
i am all for giving that crazy psycho woman another chance. as i said, i wasn't even going to inform her my son was born or when, or send any photos. that was my plan and i had an accidently stupid change of heart that went. nowhere. 
well, glad that's over.

also, my son likes trash cans, lol.
we put him in Mo's new one and he sat and smiled and giggled.
and, hello size two diapers. finally!
lil mans growing sooo fast.
i love my giggly, goofy, tootie, wittle boy!

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