Monday, September 12, 2011

day 164; september 11th.

today, ten years ago.
i was in the 7th grade and it happened shortly after band class. i remember half the day, everyone was talking about it. some teachers had the tv's on, but i didn't pay attention. i didn't pay attention then and i rarely pay attention now. honestly, i don't know if there is any more to the story than two terrorists flying planes into the two towers, killing a shit ton of people. thus began the war with iraq. and the guy behind it all, is now dead. because of this day, we lost greg sanders in the war in iraq. and because of this day, my husband has yet to meet our son.
i don't give a shit about what happened.
and i hate that this entire world, comes together one day out of the year to mourn what happened. when they never step back and recognize all the troops that are still sacrificing their lives and fighting this pointless war. i worry, every since day, i support, all the time. the men and women of our military. i did ever before i married into it. no one thinks, every day, that there are more than 20 different casualties. 
what about the ones that are still alive? they never get thought about, very rarely, by the world. i hate that, unless there is a tragedy, no one gives a damn. unless a marine or soldier dies, no one even thinks about whats going on, not only in another country, but whats going on here. today i saw a million status updates on "rip, always remember those who were killed on 9/11." but i NEVER see "i support our troops and everything they do."
i still can't watch the news. it took all i had to watch the speech on osama's death. i don't keep up to date with this world, there isn't a need to. this world is so chaotically jacked up. it just isn't important.
and to my piece of shit brother who decides to update saying thanks to greg for defending our country and making the sacrifice, but failing to remember that his brother in law is currently in afghanistan serving his country, and hasn't even met his son yet.
kevin, go FUCK yourself.
you no good piece of shit. 
too bad you never had the balls to do anything great in your life, fucking pansy.

i love how excited my mom gets when we talk and she randomly says "NEXT MONTH" like, she's living my dream with me. haha. she's pretty freakin cute that way. but yes, next month, my family will be complete.
anyone that wants to OPSEC me, go suck some balls.
you got 31 days next month to try and figure out when Supports coming back, good luck.
i digress.
things around here are getting pretty nerve wracking. everytime we skype, something feels different. i can no longer close my eyes and see him, or smell him, or remember what it's like to lay next to him. i'm so use to just sleeping with ryder. so use to driving everywhere and having the truck whenever. or randomly driving to mcdonalds. and hopping in the shower and not thinking of anyone else. i'm so use to creating my own schedule, bedtime, when i wake up. buying groceries for only me. what i like, instead of thinking what he would want to eat. i have certain ways of handling ryder, taking care of him.. and it's all about to change.
shit, i thought entering this world, and deployment was scary.
this could even be worse!
why do emotions get the best of you? why do i feel like i'm fine on my own right now? that i could do back to back deployments and be fine.
[minus the sex, of course. i'm BEYOND ready to "get some"]
why does your mind trick you into forgetting?
i know, once he steps off that bus and i wrap my arms around his neck, everything will be perfect. right back into place. when he gets home, i know it will be like he never even left. then why do i feel this NOW?! maybe once the window dates are out i will feel more excited than wanting to throw up. haha.
this feels so unbelievable. like it isn't real. like it isn't happening.
just wake me up when september ends!


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