Day One; Post It's.

 

Day One; Operation Deployment.

Michael bought me this pack of Post It Notes the day before he leaves.

he tells me that if i number them, take them down one day at a time, that he will be home before the door is empty.

The package said it contained 200 Post It's.

unless i miscounted, there was actually 204, but i messed one up so now there's 203.

two hundred and three days.

i can not tell you what day that leads to. i can no tell you if he will be gone longer, or shorter. 

i myself, have no idea when he will come home.

therefore; i disregard OpSec. 

Today was Day One of my wonderful Husband being gone.

he hasn't been gone for 24 hours yet.

and i miss him so incredibly much.

i got home about 0530 this morning from saying goodbye and took a bath.

and fell asleep and woke up at 1130 or so and went and got free baby books and toys.

though i had no appetite, i went and got mcdonalds anyway.

i babysat my friend Sara's baby boy Connor for a little while.

it was like a fast forward to November, when i will see Mike and be holding our own son. and it hurt a little bit inside.

getting ready to go to Mo's for Spaghetti, i heard his ringtone going off on my cell phone. i looked at my phone and saw his face on the screen, i answered in tears.

he was at his last stop before leaving the United States.

i told him right away that i loved and missed him. knowing he might have to rush off the phone, i plan to always do that when he calls. 

hearing his voice, so far away, was really difficult.

here i was in a state thats about 95 degrees, I'm sweating, and he's in an airport with snow.

i wanted him to be beside me, sweating as well, even if it made him all smelly, i'd take it if i could!

after we got off the phone we texted for a little while. his phone gets shut off tomorrow. he wanted to make sure while he could, he'd talk to me.

i saved all his texts, him telling me he missed and loved me, and that he couldnt wait to see me again.

it honestly melted my heart. i love that boy so, so much.

i went to Moniques afterwards and we just talked about everything.

thats what i love about her, we talk about good things, bad things, in between things, but yet we never really break down.

i'm really really glad to have her in my life, and have her staying in 29 Palms.

and I'm so glad that our boys are going to be together, just like us.

when i got home, i did the laundry room door.

i know when Mike sees it he will laugh and call me silly.

but i know he will smile and think it's cute.

i really, really miss him today.

it doesn't feel like he's gone for that long, but yet that's all i can think about.

i don't want to clean my house yet, all his stuff still where it was yesterday.

but his gear room is empty.

there are no scrawny legs occupying his pajama pants.

or a cute blond haired boy sleeping, and drooling, next to me in this bed.

i havent cried other than when i talked to him, i'm more so numb at everything going on.

but i feel so much more love for him now more than ever, and i wish i could have told him that when he was here.

throughout this deployment, i want to work on things. i want things to be perfect when he comes home, and we can begin our journey as a little family.

because i know, that not everything is his fault.

him and i, in all reality, are all that we have for the other.

there's no one else there that gets it, we're a team, a pair, a perfect match.

and i have no reason to feel some of the ways that i do, most of the time.

i trust him, with my entire life. not only mine, but our sons.

i have to trust him to never hurt me again, or hurt Ryder, with the little stupid impractical things that he does. i won't let my feelings get squashed over something that shouldnt matter to me in the first place.

harmless little stunts that should never get between us, but sometimes, i let them.

after this Deployment, when the three of us are standing there, clinging to one another. thats the moment it will all fall into place.

the hurt disappear, the trust be there, and never leave.

he is all that i need.

i am all that he needs.

for now, and for always.

Michael Patrick, stay safe, my perfect little butthead.

Ryder and i are waiting patiently for you!