Day 26; I Mish You.

Day 26; Operation Deployment.

Day 4; Baby Ryder.

Clearly, i don't get on here as often. taking care of a newborn and remember to eat, sleep, and shower, is a little difficult. but i embrace the task at hand, i really am superwoman and i don't know how i recovered so fast.

i suppose i just didnt have a choice. Adapt and Overcome, OORAH!

there really isn't use in attempting to be strong anymore.

so much changed the moment that i had Ryder, and i miss my husband now more than ever.

someday, i just need my best friend right by my side.

EVERYTHING reminds me of him.

and I'm so tired of wanting to call him up, text him, or run in the other room and tell him what cute thing Ryder did.

or when things would get difficult, i'd like a set of pass him off to, but i HATE asking others for help, it isn't the same, they aren't my husband. and though i appreciate it more than they know, sometimes people just make it harder.

i hate emailing him updates because i know it breaks his heart to read them, but i know it would hurt too, not to get them at all. so i am torn between the two.

i hate that i no longer remember hi touch or scent, though it's only been a month. i can't close my eyes and picture his hand on my face anymore. i can't stand though, that he haunts my dreams. some of the dreams are the ones i had during pregnancy with the hormone changing and they are NOT good dreams to have on Deployment.

but even the good ones, hurt the most.

this isn't fair, him missing everything. we need him here more than that stupid place needs him there, where he isn't even doing anymore but longer hours and less showers. he's away from us for no damn reason.

please, come home.

i was perfectly fine until Ryder and i got home from the hospital.

that's when it all finally hit me.

 that something will be missing for the next 7 months.

the car radio isn't my friend anymore.

our bed and shower don't feel the same.

everywhere i look i see him there, only he's now a blur.

so much has changed.

i don't care about the little fights we use to have.

i don't give a fuck about his friends or his family. i don't even care that he still talks to them.

none of that even matters anymore. i want my husband home. i just want to be held, and taken care of. 

telling myself every single night before i go to bed that "i can do this" has worn off. 

i can't do this anymore, but i HAVE to, and that, i will.

Michael Patrick, please come home soon.

i'm losin it here without you.

[on a better note.]

Doctor gave Ryder and i a check up today and we are both perfectly healthy. they're still wondering how i managed to pull off the superwoman routine, after how much blood i lost and how I'm recovering AND taking care of a newborn by myself.

i got his birth certificate stuff good to go, and will finish doing all the paperwork stuff next week.

for once in my life, i just went home, i didn't want to overdo myself. yeah, that never happens.

i bought my first nursing bra and nipple cream and i still amaze myself that i enjoy breast feeding as much as i do, though i will also be formula feeding when it's more convenient.

[don't preach on my choices, you'll be deleted.]

Ryders doing well and handling life outside like a pro.

and i am absolutely loving mommyhood.

i just wish he would stay this tiny and cute and smelly good FOREVER!