Day 99; fresh.

Day 99; Operation Deployment.

i am at a place in my life, that i havent been at in a really long time. i know it's taken me awhile to get here and i have all finges crossed that it stays this way.

my husband and i are back n the same page. it's been about a month since i last felt hurt by the things he has done. he has proved himself well, ever since. 

and that's, a really good feeling.

this is when i have decided, i should have stuck to my guns on everything since the beginning of Deployment and not tried to do the right thing like i always do. there comes a point when doing the "right thing", doesn't pay off anymore.

i have been getting flustered and irritated over people in his life, and i shouldn't have to. that isn't fair anymore. i have dealt with it for too long.

i let them back into my life to try to become a family. what kind of family is it when we don't speak to one another unless we need something, we don't plan anything together, we don't know another about the others lives, except the fact that Ryder pushed us together?

i felt the need to keep certain pictures from them on my facebook because i didn't know what would have been done with them. i don't believe they need to be completely involved in our lives anymore. it got to the point where i was so fed up and they couldn't see over half of my profile, that i just got rid of it completely.

really, what's the point?

i didn't have my baby so that we would get closer, or that i would finally have some ounce of respect. i didn't marry mike to be the middle man when he only contacts me.

i didn't delete my husbands facebook, but i'm damn glad he did it himself. and sitting there all butthurt about it, does no good. there are other ways to contact him.

i honestly think that's when all this started.

when tiffany texted me asking me why i, ME, deleted his facebook. instead of asking me what had happened. the fact that once again, it was my doing, my fault.

i'm so tired of always feeling like I'm being blamed for thing. that my wishes will never be respected.

why keep them around when i text them asking how they're doing and only get a response half the time, when i stare at my phone and struggle with what to say. why do i ALWAYS go out of my way to contact them, send them pictures, see how THEY are, when it's still always me stretching my arm out for them? it got a little bit better right after Ryder was born, but i knew it was only because Ryder was born and we really had no choice.

but i have had enough.

when they visit, when we visit, that's when they can be involved in Ryder. i found myself thinking about it the other night, and what's keeping them involved currently, really doing? they don't really know my son, my son will never really know them. just like my own parents. i don't talk to Ryder about them like i do his Daddy, i talk about Mike to him all the time. so that he learns and gets to know him, even if he isn't around.

what the heck am i suppose to say to Ryder about my in laws? when i know nothing about them. hell, i don't even know what Mikes mom wants Ryder to call her. and Ry's 2 and a half months old. so when i do say something about her to him, i always stumbled and say, "uh, er, hmm. well, your Daddys mom."

it's just all an awkward situation.

and being involved with them doesn't make me feel like a better person. it still makes me feel like crap. they can be fake, i can't. that's just how it goes.

Ryder has brought our family closer together. Michael, Ryder, and i.

that is, our family.

and that is the only family i am currently worried about.

i talk to my mom everyday still, she's my lifeline to get through this Deployment. she still sends care packages, so i can say to Ryder "mimi sent you this. mimi bought you this outfit. mimi says hi" they talk on the phone sometimes. and i trust my mom to go to her with a question. that's just MY mom.

but if she wronged me, or hurt my feelings constantly. if she was JUST around for my son, she'd be kicked from my life too.

i have no remorse for what i am doing anymore. i am tired of extending myself out to rude people, people only being nice to me to be in my sons life. it isn't benefitting me any, and eventually, Ryder will know that Mommy is being fake.

i can be polite and cordial, i refuse to be rude, i refuse to talk bad about them. they are my husbands family, they are my sons family. but being married and having a child together, doesn't really make them mine.

i've done perfectly fine without much family the last year of my life. i don't really need any more, especially the ones that stress me out.

Shenley says, "you have to act like a family in order to be a family."

acting like strangers, just doesn't work out for me.

just ask my ex brother. :)

but yes, i am perfectly content with the way things are, my new life. and i don't need anyone messing that up.

my house is becoming a home, and i am beginning to love it.

my son grows and changes everyday, he even rolled over once last night!

[i had to tell Mike first, so i didnt post anything about i.]

getting to know him is amazing, a feeling i can't begin to explain.

and my husband. geesh babe. he's become the sweetest man ever and knows just how to tug on my heartstrings.

all is right in the world.

start over F.R.E.S.H.

:)