Day 95; Independence Day.

Day 96; Operation Deployment.

thank you all who serve our country, to keep AMERICA! free.

my husband, Support Company, my friends.

Ryder and i just stayed inside all day.

and actually enjoyed a small thunderstorm. which made me sad but smile at the same time! Rain always reminds me of mike and our October storm where i ditched classes and stayed in bed with him all day, all wrapped out, and then we made smores in the microwave, marshmellows stuck to our faces, and kissing sweeter than the choclate between our graham crackers. or the first time he kissed me in the rain, right before he drove to MEPS. oh, my love, my memories!

Michael called me yesterday morning and i just now remembered something he told me. it makes me smile, so big.

he knows i talk to Ryder about the two of all, all the time. even though Ry has NO idea what i'm saying, i could tell him i'm going to rip his pee pee off with pliers and he would still smile at me. of course, i would never do such a thing!

but he told me, never to tell Ryder about Daddys stories before Mommy.

Now, in my husbands defense, he was never a really bad guy. of course he made stupid decisions when it came to females, and breaking the law, often. but, he has never actually done anything terrible.

so when i asked him why i shouldn't tell him, he said.

"i don't want him to know who i was. because i don't want him to follow in those foot steps of mine before you. i don't want him to be the man i was becoming. because he can't find a woman like you, to come along, and save his life."

oh Michael.

i just choked up typing that.

thats the man, the man i fell in love with.

that isn't the first time he has told me that i saved him from destruction. 

it melts my heart.

i love my husband. thinking back to even a few months ago and how messed up things were, i can not believe how far we have come. and it's all because of the tiny human being that now consumes our lives. i couldn't be more thankful for our amazing memories of the past, and more to come in just a few months!

now, this morning i woke up and was playin on facebook when i read something that REALLY pissed me off. 

most of you more than likely know, but i went through my entire labor and delivery, Cesarean Section, and recovery, on my own. i had the help of my friend Amber when Ryder arrived, but the moment i came home, that was it. it was just me.

how people say you shouldnt walk up stairs, lift heavy things, over do it, yadda yadda, i did it all. i really had no choice. i wasn't happy about it at all, but i knew nothing could be done, i could get no help, so i survived.

one of my friends had her gallbladder removed recently, surgery right? her husband is deployed with mike and they have a 5 month old son.

they're sending him home t help her recover.

i want to rip someones head off!

how is this ANY different than my surgery? and dealing with a newborn?! and they wouldn't do shit about my situation. when things began to get difficult, i emailed our FRO about how i wasn't handling recovery too well, how i was alone, how i was struggling. and she told me to talk to the Chaplain.

but now they're sending a husband home!?

MIKE HASN'T EVEN MET HIS SON!

i emailed our FOR, months, and months before they even left to ask for a month extension. i don't give a shit about Deployment, him being away isn't all that difficult. but me being alone giving birth, was. not just physically, but emotionally as well! i am SO relieved that all went smoothly, i was terrified Ryder would have to be admitted to Balboa for something and it would make everything a million times harder.

[props to the ladies that have to go through that!]

but i don't understand how, i get a "go talk to the chaplain" now.

and "there's nothing we can do about it" months ago.

and she gets to have her husband home to recover?

i was PERFECTLY fine with Mike not being able to be here. i understood and accepted it. but now that i see that my family is being treated differently than anothers family in the same unit? i am livid beyond belief!

one day she will notice that i have blocked her from my facebook, she's such a sweet girl, but reading her oh so happy statuses about her husband being home taking care of her, would just add more fuel to this fucked up fire.

people saying "maybe theres more to the story"

there isn.t

she was sick, she had surgery, she has a family member in this city, they have a young child.

i was pregnant, i had surgery, i had NO ONE, and i had a newborn.

it just isn't fucking fair.

by the time he gets back to California, the healing process will be more than likely almost done, if not bearable. 

good to know the unit only looks out for half of us.

it makes no sense how us Nelsons can never catch a god damn break.

i survived everything i have been through for months.

yes, that makes me stronger, and not a fucking pansy like the people that don't go through what  have been. sure, i'll always take pride in that.

but really?

i have lost all respect, for a handful of people.

and i am completely over this fucking Deployment.

all i need is my husband and my son.