Day 104; The Art Of Words.

Day 104; Operation Deployment.

i want to start my post by saying, if you do not like what i wreite, please do not read my blog. and please don't spread my blog to people that do not need to be involved. i have gotten so much drama from this blog, completel unneccessary. it is my own personal thoughts and feelings, that i post to my own personal facebook when i am finished. i never mention anyone by names, nor so i ever say anything harmful for anyone or to myself. so let it lie and leave it alone. my email is

MRyderN11@yahoo.com.

if you have an issue with a post, please bring it up to me, and me alone. it is an open blog, if i could block certain people from it, i most certaintly would. however, i can not. so if what i say offends anyone, then click the little ex in the right upperhand corner of the screen.

have at it.

i'm pretty upset with my cell phone. :(

Michael called me this morning and it kept going into airplane mode so it kept hanging up the call so i didn't get to talk to him. it was pretty irritating and i hope the problem gets solved soon! seeing as we can't skype. and only have email on my phone or this... ghetto internet deal going on, haha.

but then again, i don't mind sending letters that he will get three weeks later either, lol!

i have realized that, i am here solely for my husband. i told myself coming into this that, if i didn't make friends, i would be okay. and if i did, then great! i have my Support wives, ones going through the same exact thing, at the same exact time, while our guys are over there, doing the same. my goal in life, especially Deployments, is to support my husband, and make sure he has nothing to worry about over there. i have sent 7 care packages and about a dozen letters. i email him every other night at least and i motomail him at random so he can hear from me. his happiness and things between us, really are the only things that matter to me. i need no one else in this world but him and Ryder. however, the friends i have made here, even just on facebook, and the ones that are there for me, i do thank you. :)

ah, words.

i have lived on words for as long as i can remember.

i have always been an avid book worm, and i started writing poetry in the sixth grade. i have journals dating back to my prepubescent years, talking about a new guy every week that i had a crush on, until now, going through one of the most difficult times in my life. i will never stop writing, no matter how many people get me down. it's my sanity, and it cleans my steel-like soul. i know that for some people, my blogs make a difference. they read what i have to say and it's what they have gone through, or are going through. reading it, makes me feel less alone. especially with my strength blog. i have gotten nothing but good reviews. so the few people i have gotten crap from, mean so little in my writing world. knowing i have helped one, or two, have touched the hearts of even one lonely soul. that is enough for me to continue on writing. because one day, i WILL make a world of difference.

my Great Aunt Aggie emailed me, what could possibly be the most heartfelt email i have gotten from a family member. i no longer talk to the majority of family that i have. i have my mom, and my dad, and everyone else, just comes and goes.

when i was growing up, i had the worst temper. my grammy would always call me "brat baby." and that, i was. i had anger issues in high school, and i never knew what i was angryat. being a teenager was rough. my mom wanted to take me into a therapist and i refused.

i refuse therapy.

i have gotten myself out of so many difficult times in my life. maybe i just have too much pride. or maybe i don't need some wack job asking me how i feel every five minutes. for awhile, i really believed that i needed Zoloft to shut my brain up. but none of that is true. all i needed then, and now, and in the future. are my words. my audience is my therapist, that is so much better than any professional help i could ever receive.

sorry, i got off topic.

here is a portion of what was emailed to me, that melted my heart, and my soul burst from my chest.

it was all i ever needed to hear.

"I know Kevin hasn't talked to you.  He hasn't discussed you with me at
all.  I think it was your mom who told me that he is angry at you because
he warned you you were getting into a bad situation.  You described
yourself "Grammie's Brat Baby" and some see you are quick to anger and
sometimes don't think before you speak and people's feelings get hurt.
But that isn't the real you.  I have always thought that.  If you write
your feelings down unedited before to talk to people, that will give you a
chance to step back and cool off.  How do I know that, because I was also
quick to anger when I was young and I have a journal with my anger and
frustration that I need to burn before I go into outer space.  I have
always seen into your heart and I understand that there have been reasons
for your anger and frustration with how your earlier life has been.  But
as you wrote me earlier, you now have the life you have always wanted.  I
know you will nuture that life.

Your parents have worried about you.  I talked briefly about you when I
was in Indiana in June.  I said that your getting married and going to
California was the best thing for you and that you are a "tough cookie,"
meaning you will make a good life for you and your little family.  I think
they'd like to see you closer to them.  But you needed to get out of
Indiana to a plade where you can be your real self, not be what some other
people think you are."

and she is absolutely right.

you can never fully understand who you are, until you have left the only place, the only people, the only YOU, you have ever known.

my family, everyone but my mom, grammy, and aunt aggie.

has told me that writing is such a waste of a living.

that my cousin scott went to college for writing and now he writes sports articles that barely pay.

but what is money when you're doing something that you love? when you're making a difference? when you voice yourself, instead of keeping hold of this beautiful person that lays deep inside your skin?

that, will never be me.

Aunt Aggie told me, i never had to use my real name for anything. but i am not ashamed of who i have become, or who i was back then. i will forever use my real name, the name that i have become, and has become me.

the best advice i have ever received is;

"write what you know"

and ver since the 7th grade, i have.

and right now, it might not have taken me to big places, maybe i havent been published.

but, words are my greatest accomplishment in this world.

and no one, can ever get me down.

thank you mommy, grammy, aunt aggie, and Michael, for always believing in me.

that writing isn't just some silly little pipe dream.

it's my own reality.