Day 68; Wake Up Call.

Day 68; Operation Deployment.

i woke up this morning, after maybe a few hours of sleep, to "bust a move" playing on my cell phone.

it was my husband.

i didn't know what to say to him when i picked up.

he was concerned, asking me if i was okay, what was wrong. because he got my motomails telling him i wasnt doing so well, to call when he could. but he was outside the wire on Monday so he couldn't call.

honestly, i had a whole list of things i wanted to say, but i told him, it didn't matter anymore. i didn't want to make him upset, that i wanted to have a nice conversation without argument. seeing as he got mad at me the last time we talked.

he told me no, he was worried about me, to let it out. he didn't want me to keep it all inside. so i gave it a whirl.

i told him i wanted to walk away, that every fiber of my being was screaming at me to leave. but i couldn't do that to him and Ryder. i promised him that i would be here when he got back. but that i honestly didn't know where that would go. i told him i felt we were strangers now, and that i couldn't trust him. that i was constantly wondering and worrying and have been literally sick. that i had no idea what to do. i was hurt, and that's all i knew.

he, surprised me.

he told me, that i could trust him. that all that crap was in the past. that i shouldn't walk away and that was his biggest fear. he worries too. if i'm alright, how I'm handling things, if I'm still in 29, or if i fled back to Indiana. when he got the moto mails he was so scared, he couldn't wait to see what was wrong and comfort me. Ryder and i are the only things he cares about. and if he doesn't have us to come home to, it's not worth coming back at all. he told me he was changing stuff just for me so that we could live happily and people wouldn't hurt me anymore. though he knows that he's the one hurting me now. that he didn't want to butt heads anymore and for both of us to be on the same page. he told me, "because we both know we want all this to be good and im willing to do anything to make it that way, i dont want to hurt you i changed my ways so much i cant believe it and still changing them. building a soild career and life to start our loving family and just needs to be tweaked a bit" he said i was safe with him, and had nothing to worry about anymore. that he understands what he did hurt me, and he was sorry. that all he did was love me, that was all.

"well its gone and never happening again, may as well concrete that statement because its not, and this recent thing had nothing behind it. no i did not tell them because i dont hate them but i did stop talking to them and dont plan to start. The only thing im starting anymore is our new lives when i get. I love you kimberly sue nelson and that is the only person i am in love with. no need to feel insecure about anything it will all be good by the time i get back, i just wish i could be there for you now" he told me that all he wanted was to come home to the two of us in one piece and a changed man. and to stop worrying and keep my chin up, up, up.

and with all of that, he deleted his facebook to alleviate anything else between us.

my heart and head are now even more jumbled up. how can i just trust him again? i have to keep my guard up. i've been waiting months to hear this from him. there was always something else that totally blew my mind, but that will stay between the two of us. but if Michael reads this, babe, 5, not 10! i know that, i want nothing more than to be with him. but i can't just let everything go, yet again. when that happens, he continues to mess up, my heart gets broken, and i can't do it. it isn't fair to me. why now? is he only saying these things because he's afraid i'll leave? or does he actually, finally, mean it? 

::sighs:: god damn you Michael Patrick.

regardless. thank you, for saying all of these things.

i know you're too dumb to pull that shit outta your ass.

so i know your heart was in it. :)


Ryder Update!
so, my wittle baby smiles now!
and he is very much occupied by his hands. he just kind of, grabs one another and waves them in front of his face.
and he tares at the ceiling and is perfectly entertained!
yeah, he's Mikes kid. Little Tweak.
he's usually always a happy boy, and if you tell him, "daddy wuvs you, yes he does!" he starts cheesin.
no love for the mamas!
his pacifier is no longer a pacifier, its name is Bink. he is very rarely without it, so it grew its own name, and his face still hasn't outgrown it. lmao.
hes beginning to coo and giggle, especially in his sleep. he gets that from me.
since Daddy talks about formations and mechanic things in his sleep, lol!
almost 2 months down and i have yet to be pee pee'd on, he's very polite.
he loves snuggling to sleepies at night and when hes fighting it and needs comfort, he pats my face or arm or hand, just runs his fingers along them. it soothes him.
we wake up often and his face is rooted into my armpit.
he's growing up fast and changing so much. but he remind me of his Daddy more and more everyday!
Mommy and Daddy love you bubbyyy!