Day 66; Just Once

Day 66; Operation Deployment.

just once, i want things to be okay. 

because the things i thought were okay, we're just a lie.

and when i found out, it was such a slap in the face.

and now, I'm at a loss. I'm at a fork in the road.

and i have no idea where to go from here.

the choice i made Mike make, ended up being false.

but I'm glad i made him choose because there's more going on between the two of them than i had thought.

words that should only be mine, he had been saying to her. only 9 days after our son was born. the time where i needed him the most, he called her beautiful and told her he loved and missed her. those words, they're what he says to me. those are the only things he says to me... and now, they are no longer mine. when i made him choose, he wrote them a message. i was impressed with the message. he did a good job, he said what needed to be said. it touched my heart. but in the next breath he screws it all up. like he always does.

when he called me this morning, i began shaking. i hadn't slept at all the night before. and i called him out. and the fact that he got mad at ME over bringing it all up, just blows my mind.

i can't be kept in a little small box out there in the desert. i should be able to go to him, no matter where he is, and talk to him. not walk on eggshells around him. i was done being scared of talking to him. i sat there and told him how i felt. i cried, i told him, my heart was broken. that this wasn't fair and i didn't know what to do.

he didn't console me. 

he made up more excuses, he made up ore lies, and he turned it all around.

and i think that's when, i decided to just give up.

i wish i could share the whole story but for some reason, i'm trying to keep his name clean, and not say what i really feel. in fear of hurting HIS feelings.

i have no feelings any longer.

and i need to sit down and plan my next course of action. because i am no longer fighting for my marriage. like i have been for the past year. ever since we got married it's gotten worse than when we were dating. you'd think having a baby would change whatever screw is loose in your head, but it didn't.

this has been going on for far too long, my heart has been broken enough.

i will never, never, ever, be good enough.

William Clyde Burk.

he slapped me around like a ragdoll. he emotionally, mentally, physically beat me. for a year and a half. he would have physically cheated on me had i not thrown him in jail the night before his little cheat date would have happened. he emotionally cheated, which was more difficult to handle than him fucking some bitch. every word that came out of his mouth was a lie. i'd catch him up in it and he'd get angry and start a fight. he'd get defensive. he kept absolutely everything from me. and when i had intuition to check things, i always found things i shouldn't have. i lost all my trust in people because of him.

however, all the pain i went through, i no longer regret it.

because Billy made me smart.

When i met Mike, i almost didn't give him a chance. he had grown up with Billy. though i know no one could ever be as bad as he was, i still had my doubts. i told him the story of what i went through and he swore to me he'd never be that way. that i could trust him and he'd never let me down.

that was almost two years ago. 

and i'd have to borrow about four people to count the times he's done this to me on hands.

i lived this life before you know?

except this time he actually made a committment, that doesn't seem to mean much. 

except i gave it all up and moved away from everything and everyone.

and this time, i decided to keep the baby.

i've given everything. i gave it my all. i made mike my world, and he didn't make us his. we are, just part of his world. i came here, to California, wanting a brand new life. with just my new husband, our family. that was all that mattered to me and it sucks he doesn't want the same. i told him, that he wasn't ready for this life. and he told me. no, he wasn't. but it was here and he's making the best of it. our marriage, our baby, was all his choice. if he wasn't ready, why'd he do it? why'd he put me through so much? and why am i sticking around for so long?

no matter what i end up doing. it's going to take awhile to think. i know there's no one else for me. i know that Mike's the one. and if things fail with the one, there won't be another one. i know i wont walk away, even though everything inside my body is screaming at me to start packing and start my own life. my mom stayed with my dad, through everything, for all the same reasons i can't walk away. and it sucks. it breaks my heart. i am completely stuck. i can't sit here every night and convince myself it will be okay anymore, because it wont. when we were dating and shit went down, i told myself. 

we're just dating, things are uncertain and we might not even last. it'll get better when we're married.

when we got married, it just got worse and worse. and i told myself.

when the baby gets here, he will change. he will grow up and make our child his life. he won't hurt me anymore, he will finally begin to understand and we will be a happy family.

Ryder was born and shit is still going on. what next?

the only thing i can tell myself. is that when we both die, thats when things will get better, and that's sad.

you all read my blog posts. as much as i try to, i can't pretend in my blogs. they're what make me, me. and i have been, so incredibly happy with life lately. i had no doubts on us, on our family. the things he was saying to me, and doing, they were really something else. he was really stepping up.

but all this time, everything was just a lie. he was behind my back, doing and saying things he shouldnt. AGAIN. 

while I'm sitting here making care package after care package, spending hours on them, for him. making sure i get his favorite snacks and things to make him feel good. i write him letters, i send him a motomail once a week, i email him and he never checks it. an HOUR before i found all of this one his facebook,  i was thinking of and making cute things to decorate the house with for his homecoming. i was plotting the homecoming sign, trying to decide what onesie design i want for Ryder for when he meets his Daddy.

and then, i read what i read and my heart stopped. my breath caught. my stomach turned and i gave up.

if this as the first time, even the second, i'd be letting it go. i would have brought it up to him and just stopped thinking about it. maybe i would have even believed the bull he fed me. but it isn't the first or the second time. i can't even count what time this is now. and i learned, if i stay, if nothing happens, it'll happen again.

i don't deserve to be just another person in his life. nor does my son.

i have the most difficult handful of decisions to begin making. i only have 4 months or so to make them. i have no idea what i should do, what i can do. but i'm done fighting for it. you can't fight for what isn't even there. i've done enough, i always do. but no matter what choice i make, what happens, where Ryder and i am, it'll be for the best. everything turns out exactly how it needs to be. maybe i had Ryder, not to bring us closer together, but to make myself more independent and give me the strength to walk away. to be somebody. 

the only thing i know, here and now. is that on July 27th, 2010, i gave up, my entire world. i moved someplace i didn't know anyone or anything but my husband. it was the most difficult thing i have ever done.

but that doesn't mean i can't do it again now.